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post #1 of 58 (permalink) Old 12-18-2019, 01:55 PM Thread Starter
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Maybe the worst marriage EVER

Hi.

Terry, married, Male, mid-30's. Wife the same but female, we'll call her Bob.

And i feel like I've been sucked into a black hole.


I met Bob about 20 years ago. She was dating a friend. I didnt notice her much at the time, she was my friends gal and that was that. I had other gals. As the years went by, my friend and I became good friends, even went in on a house together. Bob, she went off to college and they no longer dated. A few years later they got back together and had a child. And then sadly, my friend, a brand new father, passed away. He was a sort of glue between our group of friends and we dissolved. I didnt see any of them or her again for 6 months. That is when we all took a trip to Florida, and Bob, made it VERY clear she had missed me and things happened and here we are 12 years later with 4 children. The oldest being my friends daughter whom i've raised as my own. Thats the beginning and now, why I'm here is the near suicidal life i've been living in between.

See Bob is an addict, and I didnt learn this until she was pregnant with our 2nd (3rd) child. The first few years we were together she was hiding an opiod dependency and feeding off her grandmothers pain killers. After her grandmother passed away and the supply went away she turned to alcohol. This was much more noticeable, especially since at this point she was pregnant. She was drinking 12 packs of beer or bottles of vodka 2-3 times a week. Needless to say i was furious. I eventuality got CYF involved and she started rehab and drug tests. Our daughter was born, healthy by a miracle (although 7 now and showing sign of serious behavior issues).

After she was born, Bob went back into counseling and was eventually diagnosed with depression, anxiety and ADHD. In my on professional opinion, all things you can fake to get XANAX and Adderall. Fast forwarding many years of adderall and further alcohol abuse, we're up to the last year. The hardest year so far. January, here old boyfriends death day, she goes completely crazy and binge drinks. She actually ended up smashing up my show car in garage because i knew she was drinking and went to my brother in laws (her sisters husband) to avoid her. May, his birthday, more of the same, except this year she went back to his grave, then to a bar, and then never came home. ( I suspect she cheated on me). In august she got in a fight with me while i was trying to take the kids away from her, she was belligerent and being really nasty to them, especially the oldest. She came at me with a knife, i wrestled it from her, called the police and had her arrested. This was the start of another stint at rehab. Court ordered and for the most part she did very well, stayed sober, went in everyday and promised myself and her family things were going to be better. That lasted until the end of her probation. AA, rehab, sober, all came to a screeching halt. She found a new doctor to give her the adderall, her PCP actually. She doesnt take the adderall and alcohol together, she prefers the adderall. But they go fast. 90 pills in 4-5 days usually, no sleep, and then a huge crash that last 3-4 days. After that she drinks, and its been this way month after month for 8 years.

Theres been 2 more major episodes, in November she got smashed, cut her arm real bad trying to break into garage again after my car, she fled to a Hotel. But left the computer logged into her facebook account where i watched her message our daughters friends dad to come meet her there. Fortunately he's a better person than her. Bu that was the final straw for me ever trusting her again.

Theres 1 more episode i havent blocked out yet. But first i want to explain, I'm no Saint. 3 or 4 years ago we got into a bad argument where she was drunk, screaming in my face and then told me how she couldnt wait to **** other guys. Years of hate and resentment let go at that point, i slapped her across the face, i slapped her hard. I instantly regretted it. Not only was i upset i hurt her, but now I was to blame as well since i was now a physically abusive husband. We've had tussles before where she'd get drunk and attack me, never violent, but i've had to push her off or subdue her, but the time i slapped her, it was intentional and it was meant to hurt her. That was the only time i ever meant to hit her. More recently while trying to lock myself in bedroom away from her, she kicked the door in, and while trying to push her back out of the room to close the door, she tripped and fell backwards, hitting her head on the wall. A total accident, but still an excuse she carries with her everywhere.

The latest episode a few months ago. Our daughter has caught on to moms drinking, now when she gets home, can tell moms drinking, she leaves. But on that day mom was tired of her leaving. She called the police on our daughter for running away. She even told the police where to find her. At a friends down the street. At this point i'm just getting home from work, I already knew the situation because daughter called me to explain where she was going until i got home. The police at this point have been to our house many times, and they know Bob well. After a lot of screaming, yelling and drunkeness, Bob was hauled back off to jail for public drunkeness and resisting arrest. After she was subdued, i talked to the police, who i give credit, stayed very calm and professional. She was very violent in the back of the squad car, and after her sister arrived, older sister, we decided there was enough evidence to 302 her. (involuntary admitting to physc ward)

11 days in the hospital, round the clock care and many hours in therapy, they diagnosed her with a "mood disorder", not want to call it bipolar disorder) and started her on lithium. Lithium was a drug i thought would be perfect for her years ago but i dont have a Dr's pen, and nor was i ever allowed to be part of or know about her "ADHD" treatment. She came home and for the first few weeks was doing VERY well, normally bubbly self (when sober, shes a very sweet, outgoing, bubbly person). I saw change and I myself wanted to change, the resentment was starting to lift, i was helping her do things around the house more, calling her from work more. Things were going well, I had hope again.

And then everything crashed back to the ground. At here 1 month, first physc appointment since the hospital, she was put into a new office with a new doctor. After 45 minutes, this new doctor sends her home with 2 new scripts of adderall, I wonder how that happened. The sleep stopped, her eyes darkened again and we were right back to where we have been. The adderall lasted 4 days, and for the last two days, i have smelled alcohol on her. Like always, she adamantly denies drinking, but i know what i smell. She's still taking the Lithium, 300mg a day, but i dont think its enough. And now I'm at a point where i'm ready to throw in the towel, this "through sickness and in health" **** just aint for me anymore.

Thanks for reading, therapy is $60 a week these days

(site wont let me reply, just edit)

I dont know why i stay, maybe becasue thats all i know, I was raised in a similar situation, 4 kids, drunk farther. Or i know i cant trust kids with her, but i cant handle 4 kids alone, or becasue my oldest is my step daughter, and i dont know how things would effect her staying with her siblings, I just dont know, which scares me, everything scares me.


Last edited by terrycjr; 12-18-2019 at 02:39 PM.
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post #2 of 58 (permalink) Old 12-18-2019, 02:02 PM
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Re: Maybe the worst marriage EVER

Why are you continuing to stay with her then? Sounds awful for you and all your kids.

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Originally Posted by terrycjr View Post
Hi.

Terry, married, Male, mid-30's. Wife the same but female, we'll call her Bob.

And i feel like I've been sucked into a black hole.


I met Bob about 20 years ago. She was dating a friend. I didnt notice her much at the time, she was my friends gal and that was that. I had other gals. As the years went by, my friend and I became good friends, even went in on a house together. Bob, she went off to college and they no longer dated. A few years later they got back together and had a child. And then sadly, my friend, a brand new father, passed away. He was a sort of glue between our group of friends and we dissolved. I didnt see any of them or her again for 6 months. That is when we all took a trip to Florida, and Bob, made it VERY clear she had missed me and things happened and here we are 12 years later with 4 children. The oldest being my friends daughter whom i've raised as my own. Thats the beginning and now, why I'm here is the near suicidal life i've been living in between.

See Bob is an addict, and I didnt learn this until she was pregnant with our 2nd (3rd) child. The first few years we were together she was hiding an opiod dependency and feeding off her grandmothers pain killers. After her grandmother passed away and the supply went away she turned to alcohol. This was much more noticeable, especially since at this point she was pregnant. She was drinking 12 packs of beer or bottles of vodka 2-3 times a week. Needless to say i was furious. I eventuality got CYF involved and she started rehab and drug tests. Our daughter was born, healthy by a miracle (although 7 now and showing sign of serious behavior issues).

After she was born, Bob went back into counseling and was eventually diagnosed with depression, anxiety and ADHD. In my on professional opinion, all things you can fake to get XANAX and Adderall. Fast forwarding many years of adderall and further alcohol abuse, we're up to the last year. The hardest year so far. January, here old boyfriends death day, she goes completely crazy and binge drinks. She actually ended up smashing up my show car in garage because i knew she was drinking and went to my brother in laws (her sisters husband) to avoid her. May, his birthday, more of the same, except this year she went back to his grave, then to a bar, and then never came home. ( I suspect she cheated on me). In august she got in a fight with me while i was trying to take the kids away from her, she was belligerent and being really nasty to them, especially the oldest. She came at me with a knife, i wrestled it from her, called the police and had her arrested. This was the start of another stint at rehab. Court ordered and for the most part she did very well, stayed sober, went in everyday and promised myself and her family things were going to be better. That lasted until the end of her probation. AA, rehab, sober, all came to a screeching halt. She found a new doctor to give her the adderall, her PCP actually. She doesnt take the adderall and alcohol together, she prefers the adderall. But they go fast. 90 pills in 4-5 days usually, no sleep, and then a huge crash that last 3-4 days. After that she drinks, and its been this way month after month for 8 years.

Theres been 2 more major episodes, in November she got smashed, cut her arm real bad trying to break into garage again after my car, she fled to a Hotel. But left the computer logged into her facebook account where i watched her message our daughters friends dad to come meet her there. Fortunately he's a better person than her. Bu that was the final straw for me ever trusting her again.

Theres 1 more episode i havent blocked out yet. But first i want to explain, I'm no Saint. 3 or 4 years ago we got into a bad argument where she was drunk, screaming in my face and then told me how she couldnt wait to **** other guys. Years of hate and resentment let go at that point, i slapped her across the face, i slapped her hard. I instantly regretted it. Not only was i upset i hurt her, but now I was to blame as well since i was no a physically abusive husband. We've had tussles before where she'd get drunk and attack me, never violent, but i've had to push her off or subdue her, but the time i slapped her, it was intentional and it was meant to hurt her. That was the only time i ever meant to hit her. More recently while trying to lock myself in bedroom away from her, she kicked the door in, and while trying to push her back out of the room to close the door, she tripped and fell backwards, hitting her head on the wall. A total accident, but still an excuse she carries with her everywhere.

The latest episode a few months ago. Our daughter has caught on to moms drinking, now when she gets home, can tell moms drinking, she leaves. But on that day mom was tired of her leaving. She called the police on our daughter for running away. She even told the police where to find her. At a friends down the street. At this point i'm just getting home from work, I already knew the situation because daughter called me to explain where she was going until i got home. The police at this point have been to our house many times, and they know Bob well. After a lot of screaming, yelling and drunkeness, Bob was hauled back off to jail for public drunkeness and resisting arrest. After she was subdued, i talked to the police, who i give credit, stayed very calm and professional. She was very violent in the back of the squad car, and after her sister arrived, older sister, we decided there was enough evidence to 302 her. (involuntary admitting to physc ward)

11 days in the hospital, round the clock care and many our in theropy, they diagnosed her with a "mood disorder", not want to call it bipolar disorder) and started her on lithium. Lithium was a drug i thought would be perfect for her years ago but i dont have a Dr's pen, and nor was i ever allowed to be part of or know about her "ADHD" treatment. She came home and for the first few weeks was doing VERY well, normally bubbly self (when sober, shes a very sweet, outgoing, bubbly person). I saw change and I myself wanted to change, the resentment was starting to lift, i was helping her do things around the house more, calling her from work more. Things were going well, I had hope again.

And then everything crashed back to the ground. At here 1 month, first physc appointment since the hospital, she was put into a new office with a new doctor. After 45 minutes, this new doctor sends her home with 2 new scripts of adderall, I wonder how that happened. The sleep stopped, her eyes darkened again and we were right back to where we have been. The adderall lasted 4 days, and for the last two days, i have smelled alcohol on her. Like always, she adimitley denies drinking, but i know what i smell. She's still taking the Lithium, 300mg a day, but i dont think its enough. And now I'm at a point where i'm ready to throw in the towel, this "through sickness and in health" **** just aint for me anymore.

Thanks for reading, therapy is $60 a week these days

Ciao,

Spicy
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post #3 of 58 (permalink) Old 12-18-2019, 02:04 PM
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Re: Maybe the worst marriage EVER

You are living in hell.

What are you thinking of doing about all this?

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post #4 of 58 (permalink) Old 12-18-2019, 02:21 PM
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Re: Maybe the worst marriage EVER

Why are you letting your children grow up in this appalling situation? Its your job to protect them and get them away from her.
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post #5 of 58 (permalink) Old 12-18-2019, 02:46 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Maybe the worst marriage EVER

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Why are you letting your children grow up in this appalling situation? Its your job to protect them and get them away from her.
I dont know. I feel like theres hope, but then i look at the last 8 years and question if she will ever get help. Anytime she's ever gotten help it was becasue CYF or the Court has made her, and its only lasted as long as they are in the picture. When she's sober she's a terrific mom, puts them to bed at night, says prayers with them. But we never know when the next episode its going to be. most of the monthly episodes are contained to her just laying in bed or just telling me im a terrible person. But then theres months where she'll drink 3 bottles of wine and a bottle of Fireball as soon as the kids get on the bus. I feel she just needs something in her systems, when its adderall, she doesnt sleep, but the house is SPOTLESS. But then she withdraws and turns to alcohol, a little more each day until the next adderall script. Shes a good person, she doesnt deserve to lose her kids, but she has ZERO control over her actions. It's like if we had a round the clock baby sitter for her, things could be great.
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post #6 of 58 (permalink) Old 12-18-2019, 03:07 PM
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Re: Maybe the worst marriage EVER

Sorry you're going through this.

Unfortunately, as I'm sure you've been told, Bob won't change until she wants to change.

Sure, everytime she's forced to abstain due to trouble/forced abstinence she'll say all the right things just passing time.

Key point is you can't make her decide to change and you can't change for her. If so, many loved ones in similar situations could share how but it's an absolute impossibility.

I won't go into details as I'm sure you've been advised the same by multiple healthcare professionals through the years.

At some point you'll have to focus on you and kids and separate, let her live her life on her own.

It's sadly best you do this before someone is physically irreparably hurt. There's already emotional hurt in the kids and you. It will be lifelong for the kids unless you change their environment.

No easy choices but some necessary hard decisions coming either by choice or a tragic event that forces it.

You have to let her deal with her own consequences and make her own choices for a while.

Or you'll end up in a nut house or in jail because of her.

Hang in there.

I hope she makes her decision and sticks to it while you're together but you have to be prepared for her to not to.
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post #7 of 58 (permalink) Old 12-18-2019, 03:11 PM
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Re: Maybe the worst marriage EVER

I have lived this... I could write 50 pages about living with an addict.

But you know that already.

Bottom line, get out now. TODAY is not soon enough. It hardly ever gets better.

Save your children and yourself.

You have already done damage to your children by staying in this marriage, I lived that too.

File for divorce, get some therapy for yourself and your kids. Then figure out why you allowed yourself to stay in this marriage.

GET OUT...
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post #8 of 58 (permalink) Old 12-18-2019, 03:19 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Maybe the worst marriage EVER

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I have lived this... I could write 50 pages about living with an addict.

But you know that already.

Bottom line, get out now. TODAY is not soon enough. It hardly ever gets better.

Save your children and yourself.

You have already done damage to your children by staying in this marriage, I lived that too.

File for divorce, get some therapy for yourself and your kids. Then figure out why you allowed yourself to stay in this marriage.

GET OUT...
God, i wished it was that easy, and maybe it is. I dont know. PA doesnt make it easy either, twice I've actually filled out the papers. They you have to wait 90 days, that just turns into 90 days of manipulation and guilt from her which alwasy seems to work on me. If divorce was free, didnt involve lawyers, and could be instant at time of fault. Id been long gone. But instead i file papers, read online, see how much lawyers are going to be, and then freak out at the thought of me having to support her somehow or having to not see my kids for days. Its like i have to take on twice the responsibilty and cost to leave her and she gets off with vacations from the kids and payments.
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post #9 of 58 (permalink) Old 12-18-2019, 03:24 PM
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Re: Maybe the worst marriage EVER

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Originally Posted by terrycjr View Post
I dont know why i stay,
Yes you do.
Quote:
maybe becasue thats all i know, I was raised in a similar situation, 4 kids, drunk farther. Or i know i cant trust kids with her, but i cant handle 4 kids alone, or becasue my oldest is my step daughter, and i dont know how things would effect her staying with her siblings, I just dont know,
sounds like rationalizations to me.
Quote:
which scares me, everything scares me.
And there's your reason right there.
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post #10 of 58 (permalink) Old 12-18-2019, 03:28 PM
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Re: Maybe the worst marriage EVER

"I met Bob about 20 years ago. She was dating a friend"...................I stopped right there, you should have too.
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post #11 of 58 (permalink) Old 12-18-2019, 03:29 PM
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Re: Maybe the worst marriage EVER

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Originally Posted by terrycjr View Post
God, i wished it was that easy, and maybe it is. I dont know. PA doesnt make it easy either, twice I've actually filled out the papers. They you have to wait 90 days, that just turns into 90 days of manipulation and guilt from her which alwasy seems to work on me. If divorce was free, didnt involve lawyers, and could be instant at time of fault. Id been long gone. But instead i file papers, read online, see how much lawyers are going to be, and then freak out at the thought of me having to support her somehow or having to not see my kids for days. Its like i have to take on twice the responsibilty and cost to leave her and she gets off with vacations from the kids and payments.
Dude, it is that easy. Get a Lawyer and file for divorce, and ignore her. Call the cops when she is out of control. Or when she lays hands on you. I don't know if you said it in your OP but I will lay odds that she had physically abused you and you were too embarrassed to call the cops.

You understand that you are codependent and damaged, I mean you get that, right. I know how this stuff works.

You can make a MILLIOIN excuses, for a million years, and nothing will change.

How about this, how about when she is wasted she runs over one of the kids, how would you feel about that. Or when she loses her mind and kills you or somebody else.

How about a million other things.

Listen, this is not about you being too weak and codependent to divorce her, we all see that.

This is about your kids now. The question is are you man enough to protect your children or not.

Because she is a danger to you and your kids, do you not ****ing understand that?????

My ex had several, "fender benders" with the kids in the car when they were small. I did not realize it was because she was wasted...

Dude, wake up and protect your kids, and get into therapy... You don't even know what a healthy relationship looks like.

WAKE UP...
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post #12 of 58 (permalink) Old 12-18-2019, 03:33 PM
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Re: Maybe the worst marriage EVER

You need to get your children, and yourself, away from this woman. You know you can enable someone to death, right? Maybe you need to get to some Al-Anon meetings for yourself. File for divorce and temporary full custody of your kids, and supervised visitation only for your wife. You have stayed in this way too long, you dont want your kids to think that this is what is normal, they need to grow up in a better environment than you did. Give that to them, if you cant seem to leave for yourself, or out of tough love for her.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.


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post #13 of 58 (permalink) Old 12-18-2019, 03:46 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Maybe the worst marriage EVER

Any ideas on what to do about my 12 year old step daughter? Her grand mother has had grandparents rights since her father died. Shes a nice woman but she's aging and lives in a ****ty area. The 12 year old goes over her house for visitation almost every week, i feel she would get custody of her and take her from us and her siblings if I split with mom. They dont have a problem with me, she calls me dad but I dont know what would happen if they found out Bob and i were splitting and i was taking ALL the children.

I doubt i would move, were close to my wifes family and they are very supportive of me. More so than my own family, but my family doesnt know much. My mom would probably bury my wife if she knew what was going on.
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post #14 of 58 (permalink) Old 12-18-2019, 04:21 PM
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Re: Maybe the worst marriage EVER

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Originally Posted by terrycjr View Post
Any ideas on what to do about my 12 year old step daughter? Her grand mother has had grandparents rights since her father died. Shes a nice woman but she's aging and lives in a ****ty area. The 12 year old goes over her house for visitation almost every week, i feel she would get custody of her and take her from us and her siblings if I split with mom. They dont have a problem with me, she calls me dad but I dont know what would happen if they found out Bob and i were splitting and i was taking ALL the children.

I doubt i would move, were close to my wifes family and they are very supportive of me. More so than my own family, but my family doesnt know much. My mom would probably bury my wife if she knew what was going on.
Brother, think about this... She is 12, and probably will live with her GM. Do you think that her GM is going to withhold your SD from you. She knows what is going on. It will work out, you have got to stop doing this....

What is "this" you say????? MAKING EXCUSES...

What you just did there was go.... Oh, oh, um, aha.... I can't get my other kids and myself out of harms way because of my SD... What will happen to her... Stop it, it will work out...

Do you see that. I told you I know what this was about... I DID THE SAME THING...

You are wasting time, file for divorce...
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post #15 of 58 (permalink) Old 12-18-2019, 04:23 PM
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Re: Maybe the worst marriage EVER

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"I met Bob about 20 years ago. She was dating a friend"...................I stopped right there, you should have too.
Ever heard of the guy code? There's a reason.
Ummm....maybe you should have read a bit more before hopping on that high horse of yours.
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