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post #1 of 14 (permalink) Old 01-14-2020, 08:00 AM Thread Starter
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Hello Everyone

My marriage and my own self-confidence and self-worth are really struggling right now due to my wife's lack of sexual desire. I'm looking for advice.

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post #2 of 14 (permalink) Old 01-14-2020, 08:54 AM
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Re: Hello Everyone

Some additional details would help.

Details such as how long you been married, if you have children, sexual frequency, the reason you feel your frequency is down, whether or not sexual frequency was always low, as well as some of the discussions you've had with your spouse would be very helpful.

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post #3 of 14 (permalink) Old 01-14-2020, 10:57 AM Thread Starter
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Married for almost 13 years, 2 children ages 6 and 10. The frequency now is once in the last 2 months. For the year or so prior to that it was averaging bi-weekly. For the first 7-8 years of our marriage (except immediately after childbirth) I would say closer to once a week.

I have have had a lot of discussions about it. I am especially troubled by the sudden drop off. It wasn’t as much as I ever wanted, but now it’s completely gone to almost nothing and it seems like it happened overnight. I know she is not having an affair, there is nothing suspicious on any of her electronic devices. She stays at home during the day and quite honestly is not the type that would put herself out there for that.

Most of the discussions round back to “I don’t feel like it. I can’t make myself want to do something I don’t want to do.” When I ask her how she can address those issues I get met with “I don’t know how to fix it.” I suggested sex therapy and she said absolutely not.

We are currently in marriage counseling but just started. The third session is this week.

She claims now that she never really wanted to have sex but was just doing it for me. She seemed to enjoy it at the time though.

I will add that she is on an SSRI, but has been on it for over 20 years. She frequently blames the medicine for her lack of desire. But since she was on it before I’m just not buying that all of a sudden it has caused her to never want to have sex.

I help with the kids and am a sole provider for our family.

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Originally Posted by farsidejunky View Post
Some additional details would help.

Details such as how long you been married, if you have children, sexual frequency, the reason you feel your frequency is down, whether or not sexual frequency was always low, as well as some of the discussions you've had with your spouse would be very helpful.

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post #4 of 14 (permalink) Old 01-14-2020, 01:09 PM
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Re: Hello Everyone

SSRI's could be a large part of the problem. The way one's body reacts to them can change over time. There are some that do not decrease libido.

How many hours a week do the two of you spend together in quality time, just the two of you without the children or anyone else?

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post #5 of 14 (permalink) Old 01-14-2020, 02:36 PM
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Re: Hello Everyone

Quote:
Originally Posted by redraider00 View Post
Married for almost 13 years, 2 children ages 6 and 10. The frequency now is once in the last 2 months. For the year or so prior to that it was averaging bi-weekly. For the first 7-8 years of our marriage (except immediately after childbirth) I would say closer to once a week.

I have have had a lot of discussions about it. I am especially troubled by the sudden drop off. It wasn’t as much as I ever wanted, but now it’s completely gone to almost nothing and it seems like it happened overnight. I know she is not having an affair, there is nothing suspicious on any of her electronic devices. She stays at home during the day and quite honestly is not the type that would put herself out there for that.

Most of the discussions round back to “I don’t feel like it. I can’t make myself want to do something I don’t want to do.” When I ask her how she can address those issues I get met with “I don’t know how to fix it.” I suggested sex therapy and she said absolutely not.

We are currently in marriage counseling but just started. The third session is this week.

She claims now that she never really wanted to have sex but was just doing it for me. She seemed to enjoy it at the time though.

I will add that she is on an SSRI, but has been on it for over 20 years. She frequently blames the medicine for her lack of desire. But since she was on it before I’m just not buying that all of a sudden it has caused her to never want to have sex.

I help with the kids and am a sole provider for our family.
A couple questions:
1. just so I have it, your "normal" is once a week for the first 7-8 years, then it went to every two weeks 14 months ago, and then it stopped two months ago?
2. she sounds depressed. Is this possible?
3. in the first two sessions of therapy, what was discussed?
4. when you were having sex, what was her behaviour like? Was she an active participant?

And, most importantly, what happened 14 months ago, and what happened 2 months ago?
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post #6 of 14 (permalink) Old 01-14-2020, 10:36 PM Thread Starter
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Quote:
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redraider00 View Post
Married for almost 13 years, 2 children ages 6 and 10. The frequency now is once in the last 2 months. For the year or so prior to that it was averaging bi-weekly. For the first 7-8 years of our marriage (except immediately after childbirth) I would say closer to once a week.

I have have had a lot of discussions about it. I am especially troubled by the sudden drop off. It wasn’t as much as I ever wanted, but now it’s completely gone to almost nothing and it seems like it happened overnight. I know she is not having an affair, there is nothing suspicious on any of her electronic devices. She stays at home during the day and quite honestly is not the type that would put herself out there for that.

Most of the discussions round back to “I don’t feel like it. I can’t make myself want to do something I don’t want to do.” When I ask her how she can address those issues I get met with “I don’t know how to fix it.” I suggested sex therapy and she said absolutely not.

We are currently in marriage counseling but just started. The third session is this week.

She claims now that she never really wanted to have sex but was just doing it for me. She seemed to enjoy it at the time though.

I will add that she is on an SSRI, but has been on it for over 20 years. She frequently blames the medicine for her lack of desire. But since she was on it before I’m just not buying that all of a sudden it has caused her to never want to have sex.

I help with the kids and am a sole provider for our family.
A couple questions:
1. just so I have it, your "normal" is once a week for the first 7-8 years, then it went to every two weeks 14 months ago, and then it stopped two months ago?
2. she sounds depressed. Is this possible?
3. in the first two sessions of therapy, what was discussed?
4. when you were having sex, what was her behaviour like? Was she an active participant?

And, most importantly, what happened 14 months ago, and what happened 2 months ago?
I don’t know what happened. Desire has just fallen off.

She could be depressed. I really don’t know. She sees a shrink and hasn’t been diagnosed with it.

Therapy in my opinion has been a waste of time. The therapist seems to be chalking up our issues to normal ebb and flow of relationships. I don’t think she is really grasping what a problem it is for me. She has definitely not done anything to challenge my wife’s way of thinking or doing things. She has basically reinforced the idea that sex is something that it done to keep men happy but serves not much purpose for a woman.

She seemed to enjoy sex in the past but now she just says she never really enjoyed it that much.

Just to add: my discussions with her go nowhere and simply turn into “I don’t know what’s wrong.” It infuriates the hell out of me.

I want someone to desire me and be excited about sex. Not someone going through the motions once a month. Is this normal in a longer term marriage??
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post #7 of 14 (permalink) Old 01-14-2020, 11:36 PM
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Re: Hello Everyone

Quote:
Originally Posted by redraider00 View Post
I donít know what happened. Desire has just fallen off.

She could be depressed. I really donít know. She sees a shrink and hasnít been diagnosed with it.

Therapy in my opinion has been a waste of time. The therapist seems to be chalking up our issues to normal ebb and flow of relationships. I donít think she is really grasping what a problem it is for me. She has definitely not done anything to challenge my wifeís way of thinking or doing things. She has basically reinforced the idea that sex is something that it done to keep men happy but serves not much purpose for a woman.

She seemed to enjoy sex in the past but now she just says she never really enjoyed it that much.

Just to add: my discussions with her go nowhere and simply turn into ďI donít know whatís wrong.Ē It infuriates the hell out of me.

I want someone to desire me and be excited about sex. Not someone going through the motions once a month. Is this normal in a longer term marriage??
Something happened 14 months ago and then accelerated 2 months ago.

Therapy will indeed be a waste of time... if you donít find out what that was. It could be hormonal, it could be something you did, it could be an affair, it could be something traumatic happened to her. It could be anything.

Youíre just guessing without more data. What was your life like 14 months ago and how was that different than 15 months ago?
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post #8 of 14 (permalink) Old 01-14-2020, 11:42 PM
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Re: Hello Everyone

Brother, open up and talk quietly and respectfully to he about this. If she gets defensive, frustrated that you are not hearing or understanding her feelings or responses. Just step back and rephrase your side. Donít push it. Ask if you both would benefit from a sex therapist or councillor?

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post #9 of 14 (permalink) Old 01-14-2020, 11:58 PM
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Re: Hello Everyone

Quote:
Originally Posted by redraider00 View Post
She claims now that she never really wanted to have sex but was just doing it for me.
In other words she married you to be her provider and security. Imagine if you told her you only married her for sex, how that would go over. I would give it a little more time and then move on.

The only caveat I would say is what kind of shape are you in? If you got grossly out of shape then you need to fix that, it's part of your responsibility to your spouse to say in reasonable shape.

Also try to emotionally bond with your wife. Did you do things in the past like notes or romantic stuff? Try that. Do you tell her she is hot, try to turn her on?

Besides that that quote would be the death sentence to any marriage from a guys point of view.

You hear all the time that the BS has to eat a **** sandwich, but most of the time the WS -- IS the **** sandwich.
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post #10 of 14 (permalink) Old 01-15-2020, 05:10 AM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Marduk View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by redraider00 View Post
I don’t know what happened. Desire has just fallen off.

She could be depressed. I really don’t know. She sees a shrink and hasn’t been diagnosed with it.

Therapy in my opinion has been a waste of time. The therapist seems to be chalking up our issues to normal ebb and flow of relationships. I don’t think she is really grasping what a problem it is for me. She has definitely not done anything to challenge my wife’s way of thinking or doing things. She has basically reinforced the idea that sex is something that it done to keep men happy but serves not much purpose for a woman.

She seemed to enjoy sex in the past but now she just says she never really enjoyed it that much.

Just to add: my discussions with her go nowhere and simply turn into “I don’t know what’s wrong.” It infuriates the hell out of me.

I want someone to desire me and be excited about sex. Not someone going through the motions once a month. Is this normal in a longer term marriage??
Something happened 14 months ago and then accelerated 2 months ago.

Therapy will indeed be a waste of time... if you don’t find out what that was. It could be hormonal, it could be something you did, it could be an affair, it could be something traumatic happened to her. It could be anything.

You’re just guessing without more data. What was your life like 14 months ago and how was that different than 15 months ago?
I have asked repeatedly what happened and why are things different. All I get is “nothing.” She says I didn’t do anything to her. I don’t get it.

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post #11 of 14 (permalink) Old 01-15-2020, 07:57 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redraider00 View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marduk View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by redraider00 View Post
I don’t know what happened. Desire has just fallen off.

She could be depressed. I really don’t know. She sees a shrink and hasn’t been diagnosed with it.

Therapy in my opinion has been a waste of time. The therapist seems to be chalking up our issues to normal ebb and flow of relationships. I don’t think she is really grasping what a problem it is for me. She has definitely not done anything to challenge my wife’s way of thinking or doing things. She has basically reinforced the idea that sex is something that it done to keep men happy but serves not much purpose for a woman.

She seemed to enjoy sex in the past but now she just says she never really enjoyed it that much.

Just to add: my discussions with her go nowhere and simply turn into “I don’t know what’s wrong.” It infuriates the hell out of me.

I want someone to desire me and be excited about sex. Not someone going through the motions once a month. Is this normal in a longer term marriage??
Something happened 14 months ago and then accelerated 2 months ago.

Therapy will indeed be a waste of time... if you don’t find out what that was. It could be hormonal, it could be something you did, it could be an affair, it could be something traumatic happened to her. It could be anything.

You’re just guessing without more data. What was your life like 14 months ago and how was that different than 15 months ago?
I have asked repeatedly what happened and why are things different. All I get is “nothing.” She says I didn’t do anything to her. I don’t get it.
If your youngest started kindergarten in the last year, that change could lead to depression. What is her day-to-day life like?
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post #12 of 14 (permalink) Old 01-15-2020, 12:14 PM
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Re: Hello Everyone

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Originally Posted by redraider00 View Post
I have asked repeatedly what happened and why are things different. All I get is ďnothing.Ē She says I didnít do anything to her. I donít get it.
I'm not asking you to ask her. I'm asking you if anything objectively changed at the 14 month mark. New job? Medication change? New gym? New friends? Anything happen?
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post #13 of 14 (permalink) Old 01-15-2020, 10:55 PM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redraider00 View Post
I have asked repeatedly what happened and why are things different. All I get is “nothing.” She says I didn’t do anything to her. I don’t get it.
I'm not asking you to ask her. I'm asking you if anything objectively changed at the 14 month mark. New job? Medication change? New gym? New friends? Anything happen?
No. That’s why I asked her because I don’t know. Nothing objectively has changed.
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post #14 of 14 (permalink) Old 01-16-2020, 11:04 AM
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Re: Hello Everyone

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No. Thatís why I asked her because I donít know. Nothing objectively has changed.
Then you're either not paying attention, or you've missed something.

Something happened that totally altered your marriage. I suggest you find out what it was.
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