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post #1 of 153 (permalink) Old 01-27-2020, 12:57 PM Thread Starter
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thoughts on casual sex and ONS

Hello everyone.

Im a male, 35 years old and I'm writting this post just to have another point of view from other people on casual sex and One night stands. As the relationship i have in mind is now over i'm not trying to seek any advice however although i wouid welcome suggestions of how otherwise i could have handled the situation.

I was single for a few years before me latest relationship and then i met somone in december. We used to get along quite well and never had any major argumens. My then girlfriend was quite upfront about her past and told me the she was into casual sex and also one night stands before meeting me and at first i was ok with it although never very comfortamble around it. During our time together however i'd hear different details and stories of her past and I started to feel more and more uncomfortable about it. Finally i had to end our relationship as i decided it was going to be very upseting for me in the long term having to re think some of the detalis that my ex told me.

That is pretty much the story. I would appreciate if I were to hear thoughts on the matter, other points of view and any type of constructive contribution.

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post #2 of 153 (permalink) Old 01-27-2020, 01:08 PM
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Re: thoughts on casual sex and ONS

Donít ask.
Donít tell.

When someone says itís not the money itís the principle,itís always the money.
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post #3 of 153 (permalink) Old 01-27-2020, 01:16 PM
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Re: thoughts on casual sex and ONS

If promiscuity concerns you then do not date promiscuous people. Nothing wrong with having boundaries.

ďYou're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.Ē
― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road
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post #4 of 153 (permalink) Old 01-27-2020, 01:20 PM
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Re: thoughts on casual sex and ONS

I'm not into ONSs, but am fine with casual sex. I prefer to seek some kind of ongoing relationship, even if it's just friendship, FWB, or similar, and never becomes a lasting romantic relationship. Of course, when dating, sometimes you may have sex and decide to move on after one time. Some people may prefer that, actually, if they want variety and no commitments. I do NOT want to hear about it from someone I'm dating, except in very general terms just to know their mindset re: sex and relationships.

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post #5 of 153 (permalink) Old 01-27-2020, 01:21 PM
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Re: thoughts on casual sex and ONS

Just make sure with the next gf that you get a complete accounting before you get serious. Which might be difficult, given the fact that many women know that doing so will create just the kind of response your last gf received when she was honest with you.

That's not me telling you that you're wrong, only that this topic can be a relationship minefield to those who are sensitive about it.
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post #6 of 153 (permalink) Old 01-27-2020, 01:27 PM
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Re: thoughts on casual sex and ONS

This sounds like dating. You are entitled to not move forward for any reason. I suspect lots of people (many who think sexual history should have no bearing on your choices) would have a different take if you were to bring up who you vote for.

You are entitled to have requirements and no one has the right to shame you for them.
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post #7 of 153 (permalink) Old 01-27-2020, 01:31 PM
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Re: thoughts on casual sex and ONS

I've had casual sex and ONS, so I'm fine with a partner who has done the same.

You, however, are different and that's ok. Seek out partners who share your values and who haven't been promiscuous.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #8 of 153 (permalink) Old 01-27-2020, 01:33 PM
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Re: thoughts on casual sex and ONS

Quote:
Originally Posted by Yeswecan View Post
If promiscuity concerns you then do not date promiscuous people. Nothing wrong with having boundaries.
I think the problem wasn't with promiscuity but she couldn't seem to keep her mouth shut about how many miles of penis she went through and some of the "bumps" she had along those miles.

He should be upfront and honest about his boundaries and it looks like one of them would be to not go on about past penis pogo competitions.
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post #9 of 153 (permalink) Old 01-27-2020, 01:41 PM Thread Starter
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Re: thoughts on casual sex and ONS

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Just make sure with the next gf that you get a complete accounting before you get serious. Which might be difficult, given the fact that many women know that doing so will create just the kind of response your last gf received when she was honest with you.

That's not me telling you that you're wrong, only that this topic can be a relationship minefield to those who are sensitive about it.

She was aware that I would not like what she had done as she would usualy start talking about such things with first making me promise that i would not be upset. She also wanted some kind of reward from me for telling the truth but the way i see it, she was obliged to tell anyway out of human decency.
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post #10 of 153 (permalink) Old 01-27-2020, 01:50 PM
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Re: thoughts on casual sex and ONS

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Don’t ask.
Don’t tell.
Thank goodness he DID ask. And she DID tell. Because if these are things that bother him (and it's up to HIM, nobody else, to determine what bothers him), then he avoided a much greater amount of pain down the road. This was a relationship that had little chance of turning out well.

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Originally Posted by Yeswecan View Post
If promiscuity concerns you then do not date promiscuous people. Nothing wrong with having boundaries.
Right! But instead of saying "promiscuous" maybe we could just say those who have very different ideas about sex and relationships. This is a personal thing, not a value judgement for humanity at large.

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Originally Posted by Cletus View Post
Just make sure with the next gf that you get a complete accounting before you get serious. Which might be difficult, given the fact that many women know that doing so will create just the kind of response your last gf received when she was honest with you.

That's not me telling you that you're wrong, only that this topic can be a relationship minefield to those who are sensitive about it.
For the OP, a complete accounting is relevant and required. For many others, it wouldn't be.

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Originally Posted by sokillme View Post
This sounds like dating. You are entitled to not move forward for any reason. I suspect lots of people (many who think sexual history should have no bearing on your choices) would have a different take if you were to bring up who you vote for.

You are entitled to have requirements and no one has the right to shame you for them.
Exactly. I think OP handled it perfectly. He may be feeling some remorse but that's a lot better than coming back here years later looking for help with a sexless marriage or that he no longer "desires" his wife.

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post #11 of 153 (permalink) Old 01-27-2020, 01:50 PM Thread Starter
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Re: thoughts on casual sex and ONS

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I think the problem wasn't with promiscuity but she couldn't seem to keep her mouth shut about how many miles of penis she went through and some of the "bumps" she had along those miles.

He should be upfront and honest about his boundaries and it looks like one of them would be to not go on about past penis pogo competitions.

It wasnt quite the fact that she could not keep the mouth shut but a lot of details came up naturally in the conversations that we had together. We used to get on well with each other, and never had any fights, not even even during the break up so a lot of information was exhanged.

I was upfront about my boundaries and did make an effort to kind of outstep them to keep the relationship going but in the end decided that it would be impossible in the long run, she pretty much knew that too.
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post #12 of 153 (permalink) Old 01-27-2020, 01:51 PM
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Re: thoughts on casual sex and ONS

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Originally Posted by barry35 View Post
She was aware that I would not like what she had done as she would usualy start talking about such things with first making me promise that i would not be upset. She also wanted some kind of reward from me for telling the truth but the way i see it, she was obliged to tell anyway out of human decency.
The only problem I have with this is that it puts a person in relationship jail for life.

If you were ever promiscuous, I want nothing to do with you. If you are not honest with me about your past promiscuity, I want nothing to do with you.

I look at this from the behavioral economics perspective - what incentives have you created with this position? You have certainly created an incentive to "not be promiscuous", but this is not actionable because it's in the past. You have also created an incentive to lie, as your partner (who may no longer desire promiscuity) has no way to have a relationship with you and be honest at the same time.

Your past gf tried to be honest, and was punished for the effort for something over which the present her has no control to change. I would say she was quite courageous in at least trying.

All of which you are allowed to do. You're not wrong - but your position does have consequences and incentives that you should be well aware of.
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post #13 of 153 (permalink) Old 01-27-2020, 02:00 PM Thread Starter
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Re: thoughts on casual sex and ONS

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The only problem I have with this is that it puts a person in relationship jail for life.

If you were ever promiscuous, I want nothing to do with you. If you are not honest with me about your past promiscuity, I want nothing to do with you.

I look at this from the behavioral economics perspective - what incentives have you created with this position? You have certainly created an incentive to "not be promiscuous", but this is not actionable because it's in the past. You have also created an incentive to lie, as your partner (who may no longer desire promiscuity) has no way to have a relationship with you and be honest at the same time.

Your past gf tried to be honest, and was punished for the effort for something over which the present her has no control to change. I would say she was quite courageous in at least trying.

All of which you are allowed to do. You're not wrong - but your position does have consequences and incentives that you should be well aware of.
You are very right, there are no winners in this picture.

She did ask me when we broke up if there was a way for her to fix it, and i had to reply that there isn't a way so i had no option but to break up. I also explained her that i was not doing it as a punishement to her but only because i felt i had no choice.
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post #14 of 153 (permalink) Old 01-27-2020, 02:07 PM
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Re: thoughts on casual sex and ONS

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You are very right, there are no winners in this picture.

She did ask me when we broke up if there was a way for her to fix it, and i had to reply that there isn't a way so i had no option but to break up. I also explained her that i was not doing it as a punishement to her but only because i felt i had no choice.
Oh, and one other thing - I hope that you never had a "wild oats" phase in your past, and that you're not being a hypocrite here.
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post #15 of 153 (permalink) Old 01-27-2020, 02:07 PM
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Re: thoughts on casual sex and ONS

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Originally Posted by barry35 View Post
It wasnt quite the fact that she could not keep the mouth shut but a lot of details came up naturally in the conversations that we had together. We used to get on well with each other, and never had any fights, not even even during the break up so a lot of information was exhanged.

I was upfront about my boundaries and did make an effort to kind of outstep them to keep the relationship going but in the end decided that it would be impossible in the long run, she pretty much knew that too.
Ok, so you really don't want a partner with a certain past? Promiscuous to be clear?

It sounds like a good and open communication relationship?
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