hurting, looking for men's advice with similar please please
I married at 25 years old an 18 year old, wonderful person in 1995. Home schooled, as a young girl sexually abused. We had a daughter in 1999, lost a child in 2000 and had a son in 2001. She and I never did fight, and we also never really communicated well. I've always known that. No warning signs of an issue, she never told me her feelings much. Fast forward to 2013 and in that spring her Dad was diagnosed with kidney cancer. He came to live with us, and died on Christmas day of that year. Tough 5 months. She spiraled into a massive depression that nobody could help with. She grew distant, would not seek counseling. In 2015 she wanted to start college. In 2017, she wanted this group of friends, all guys, to study with and I agreed. She had become a runner, had male friends, it was an easy ok. I trusted her 100%.
Spring 2018 she graduated community college, moving on to a 4 year degree. This one kid from that group hung around. We'd helped several women by bringing them into our home who had marital issues etc, and she said this kid was like our own. In fact, she had at the time, my 19 year old daughter dating this 21 year old. As 2018 progressed, I noticed only like twice a linger in a hug of a touch, she easily lied those away. I never looked for things, didn't really suspect. Just didn't like the kid hanging around 3 nights a week.
Spring 2019, she went for a traditional yearly camping trip with all women friends/family. The day before she went to prep at a farm they camp on, at a bluff her and I spent many a magical night on. She slipped that evening and said "we" when talking about the day .. and it was the Kid with her. I was not happy. When the weekend ended I said enough, no more him around, he's hurting our marriage and wants to get in your pants. Deny, lies, ya'll know that.
For the next 6 weeks I was ever more suspicious. I almost caught them one day at a lake she ran out all the time. On May 2, 2019, I was home early for some spontaneous surprise passion and caught an incoming text that said how much he loved her. It took 3 hours of asking before she finally admitted an emotional/sexual affair. I was stunned. I thought maybe at the most kissed him.
So starts my real story. We started counseling, and I had planned a weekend getaway to reconnect. On that getaway she reached out to him. Later I'd find out every day she did. I found out she was meeting him in the mornings, recording things on a zip drive, letters and notes. The audio files I found through bugging her vehicle were terrible to hear. A man shouldn't hear his wife speaking to someone else that way.
I'd asked her what could I do and she said help her through summer school. I had asked her to not see him or communicate ever again and she broke that promise the next day I later found but me? I worked hard, from 5:30 to 9:00 pm at night with cooking breakfast, driving her to classes, working out with her. She had an internship and because of a GPS tracking device I'd attached to her truck, I found out she was still meeting him. The truck I bought her then because our car was something they'd done things in and I couldn't stand it. I bought her a $1000 iphone on my July birthday. Counseling was hard, because I was told things I'd been doing wrong all the years. I am a person of action, my acts define my love. She never wanted that, I never knew that my caring and loving wasn't ever enough.
In Sept after summer school finished, we went to FL for a 5 day trip and it was fantastic. When we got back, I had a means to view her texting and found an email she'd sent a friend. Devastating, the most amazing words to describe this 21 year old and their magical, once in a lifetime love. It crushed me hard
But I didn't leave. I stayed, I tried. Credit to her, she did wane from seeing/talking to him as far as I know, and things got better.
Nov 1st I sat her down and though she'd once asked me to forgive her (not serious because she went back to him the next day) I forgave her for it all. I needed it. I'd dropped to 145 pounds, I was unhealthy as a person and my soul was. That night I offered her a chance to come clean on anything, and she said when I was out of town with my son, she'd have him over spending the night at my house. So ... for 7 months she held that huge lie, lying about it constantly. I forgive her.
I went on a trip and came back Nov 10 and told her and the counselor I was done with weekly counseling for 2 reasons. #1, I was told every week I needed to change, we never talked about her. #2, I didn't want a life where I could talk to my wife 1 day a week between 2 and 3 pm. I drew a heart and said this is mine, and you want it 100% and she said yes. I drew a box in it and said this is your heart and that's the adultery in the middle and she said yes. I said I cannot live with that.
We spoke of it again twice in Dec, both time her saying she couldn't give me 100% of her heart. During this time, she entered 1 on 1 abuse counseling and I encouraged it.
3 weeks ago, I saw text messaging from the kid, and she said she has no idea how his phone was unlocked. I found out she was "following" him on a social media page and he her, and they could see each others pics. She said she has no idea how that happened.
The final nail, as she told me she didn't if she wanted to stay married. I had legal documents written up that would have given her about 15% of our worth (which isn't much, but she's had $2500 a month to finish school)
She was mad about it, said she felt like she was worthless, cheap and not valued. She came back and said she wanted 50% of everything and I said no way. We talked about where she was, where I am, and she says she doesn't want a divorce, can't take my offer, I can't take hers .... today I moved into a spare bedroom. There is silence here.
Our counselor said, in 18 years, she'd never seen a man as heartbroken as I was. I know who I was as a husband, and she and I both contributed to a marriage that while good, wasn't great, but her choice to affair was all hers and that destroyed our marriage.
I see no resolution. She has no fight for me at all. While accepting her choices are wrong, she'd say but she wants to hold it in her heart as beautiful and wonderful. I cannot live with that.
What I am asking ... has anyone had a marriage end like that? Where 24 years, the woman just goes crazy, has an affair with a 21 year old kid, blames everyone, rewrites our marriage past almost to justify her actions, has a husband who tries for 8 hard months everything he can to stay ............ I fought SO hard. I have forgiven her. She is at a place and will not change, and I can't live with how she has become as much as I still love her.
Why did she do it all? I'll never know, she sure didn't have enough love for me not to, no consideration, no respect. More baffling, she had me fighting hard for her for the most part, when it should have been her fighting for me.
I'll say this - 100% trust and faith is supposed to be given but when its violated? wow ... there is nothing like it, because it shatters the soul. She was a very religious young woman, always the highest morals and ethics. Kind, generous, someone everyone admired. After her Dad died she changed, her sister and brother both used the same words - broken. I admit I was unable to reach her and I stopped trying. My faults were never knowing how to comfort her, and her not telling me I wasn't, I just thought I was doing enough.
I have grown as a person in these 8 months, I am capable of massive changes for her. But its over now, and I'm still crushed
Last edited by Arkansas; 01-29-2020 at 08:11 PM.