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post #1 of 179 (permalink) Old 01-29-2020, 07:59 PM Thread Starter
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hurting, looking for men's advice with similar please please

long story

I married at 25 years old an 18 year old, wonderful person in 1995. Home schooled, as a young girl sexually abused. We had a daughter in 1999, lost a child in 2000 and had a son in 2001. She and I never did fight, and we also never really communicated well. I've always known that. No warning signs of an issue, she never told me her feelings much. Fast forward to 2013 and in that spring her Dad was diagnosed with kidney cancer. He came to live with us, and died on Christmas day of that year. Tough 5 months. She spiraled into a massive depression that nobody could help with. She grew distant, would not seek counseling. In 2015 she wanted to start college. In 2017, she wanted this group of friends, all guys, to study with and I agreed. She had become a runner, had male friends, it was an easy ok. I trusted her 100%.

Spring 2018 she graduated community college, moving on to a 4 year degree. This one kid from that group hung around. We'd helped several women by bringing them into our home who had marital issues etc, and she said this kid was like our own. In fact, she had at the time, my 19 year old daughter dating this 21 year old. As 2018 progressed, I noticed only like twice a linger in a hug of a touch, she easily lied those away. I never looked for things, didn't really suspect. Just didn't like the kid hanging around 3 nights a week.

Spring 2019, she went for a traditional yearly camping trip with all women friends/family. The day before she went to prep at a farm they camp on, at a bluff her and I spent many a magical night on. She slipped that evening and said "we" when talking about the day .. and it was the Kid with her. I was not happy. When the weekend ended I said enough, no more him around, he's hurting our marriage and wants to get in your pants. Deny, lies, ya'll know that.

For the next 6 weeks I was ever more suspicious. I almost caught them one day at a lake she ran out all the time. On May 2, 2019, I was home early for some spontaneous surprise passion and caught an incoming text that said how much he loved her. It took 3 hours of asking before she finally admitted an emotional/sexual affair. I was stunned. I thought maybe at the most kissed him.

So starts my real story. We started counseling, and I had planned a weekend getaway to reconnect. On that getaway she reached out to him. Later I'd find out every day she did. I found out she was meeting him in the mornings, recording things on a zip drive, letters and notes. The audio files I found through bugging her vehicle were terrible to hear. A man shouldn't hear his wife speaking to someone else that way.

I'd asked her what could I do and she said help her through summer school. I had asked her to not see him or communicate ever again and she broke that promise the next day I later found but me? I worked hard, from 5:30 to 9:00 pm at night with cooking breakfast, driving her to classes, working out with her. She had an internship and because of a GPS tracking device I'd attached to her truck, I found out she was still meeting him. The truck I bought her then because our car was something they'd done things in and I couldn't stand it. I bought her a $1000 iphone on my July birthday. Counseling was hard, because I was told things I'd been doing wrong all the years. I am a person of action, my acts define my love. She never wanted that, I never knew that my caring and loving wasn't ever enough.

In Sept after summer school finished, we went to FL for a 5 day trip and it was fantastic. When we got back, I had a means to view her texting and found an email she'd sent a friend. Devastating, the most amazing words to describe this 21 year old and their magical, once in a lifetime love. It crushed me hard

But I didn't leave. I stayed, I tried. Credit to her, she did wane from seeing/talking to him as far as I know, and things got better.

Nov 1st I sat her down and though she'd once asked me to forgive her (not serious because she went back to him the next day) I forgave her for it all. I needed it. I'd dropped to 145 pounds, I was unhealthy as a person and my soul was. That night I offered her a chance to come clean on anything, and she said when I was out of town with my son, she'd have him over spending the night at my house. So ... for 7 months she held that huge lie, lying about it constantly. I forgive her.

I went on a trip and came back Nov 10 and told her and the counselor I was done with weekly counseling for 2 reasons. #1, I was told every week I needed to change, we never talked about her. #2, I didn't want a life where I could talk to my wife 1 day a week between 2 and 3 pm. I drew a heart and said this is mine, and you want it 100% and she said yes. I drew a box in it and said this is your heart and that's the adultery in the middle and she said yes. I said I cannot live with that.

We spoke of it again twice in Dec, both time her saying she couldn't give me 100% of her heart. During this time, she entered 1 on 1 abuse counseling and I encouraged it.

3 weeks ago, I saw text messaging from the kid, and she said she has no idea how his phone was unlocked. I found out she was "following" him on a social media page and he her, and they could see each others pics. She said she has no idea how that happened.

The final nail, as she told me she didn't if she wanted to stay married. I had legal documents written up that would have given her about 15% of our worth (which isn't much, but she's had $2500 a month to finish school)

She was mad about it, said she felt like she was worthless, cheap and not valued. She came back and said she wanted 50% of everything and I said no way. We talked about where she was, where I am, and she says she doesn't want a divorce, can't take my offer, I can't take hers .... today I moved into a spare bedroom. There is silence here.

Our counselor said, in 18 years, she'd never seen a man as heartbroken as I was. I know who I was as a husband, and she and I both contributed to a marriage that while good, wasn't great, but her choice to affair was all hers and that destroyed our marriage.


I see no resolution. She has no fight for me at all. While accepting her choices are wrong, she'd say but she wants to hold it in her heart as beautiful and wonderful. I cannot live with that.


What I am asking ... has anyone had a marriage end like that? Where 24 years, the woman just goes crazy, has an affair with a 21 year old kid, blames everyone, rewrites our marriage past almost to justify her actions, has a husband who tries for 8 hard months everything he can to stay ............ I fought SO hard. I have forgiven her. She is at a place and will not change, and I can't live with how she has become as much as I still love her.

Why did she do it all? I'll never know, she sure didn't have enough love for me not to, no consideration, no respect. More baffling, she had me fighting hard for her for the most part, when it should have been her fighting for me.


I'll say this - 100% trust and faith is supposed to be given but when its violated? wow ... there is nothing like it, because it shatters the soul. She was a very religious young woman, always the highest morals and ethics. Kind, generous, someone everyone admired. After her Dad died she changed, her sister and brother both used the same words - broken. I admit I was unable to reach her and I stopped trying. My faults were never knowing how to comfort her, and her not telling me I wasn't, I just thought I was doing enough.

I have grown as a person in these 8 months, I am capable of massive changes for her. But its over now, and I'm still crushed


Last edited by Arkansas; 01-29-2020 at 08:11 PM.
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post #2 of 179 (permalink) Old 01-29-2020, 08:17 PM
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Re: hurting, looking for men's advice with similar please please

I think it can be made simple: She cheated on you and left you. That means that she never was the wonderful person you thought she was. Its a terrible blow, but the reality is that the person you loved never really existed in the first place.

Find someone worthy of you.
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post #3 of 179 (permalink) Old 01-29-2020, 08:38 PM
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Re: hurting, looking for men's advice with similar please please

when someone does things that are not "normal" for them, not "normal" for expected human behaviour, our view of the world is turned upside down.
We begin to doubt our view of reality, our world implodes.
It is a very, VERY difficult reality to face.
Please give this some time. Your reality has been rewritten, I suspect this is what you are dealing with.
It can shake you to your core.
Be gentle with yourself right now. Seek counselling please to help you come to terms with this.
The first time the counsellor starts to even HINT that you had some responsibility in this, change counsellors IMMEDIATELY.
If you can, go to a gym or workout or whatever exercise you can do.
Limit your contact with her to absolute BARE MINIMUM. You need time to come to terms with this and heal.
When you are ready, you will file for divorce.
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post #4 of 179 (permalink) Old 01-29-2020, 09:06 PM
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Re: hurting, looking for men's advice with similar please please

Me? No, I didn't have that happen.

But my ex did emotionally and physically abuse me, cheat on me, and then leave me... all with no explanation, and no acknowledgment that she did anything wrong.

So while I can say that I wasn't probably as heartbroken as you, and was a lot younger, it did suck.

But then I rebuilt my life, and would never ever regret the fact that she left. I'm glad she did, because she did me a favour by getting herself the hell out of my life.

If you want help rebuilding, this is the place. But I don't think you're going to get any advice here about how to get back with a lying, cheating, emotionally abusive wife that will just do those things more to you, and has probably already done it to a number of other guys.
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post #5 of 179 (permalink) Old 01-29-2020, 11:25 PM
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Re: hurting, looking for men's advice with similar please please

Quote:
Originally Posted by Arkansas View Post
What I am asking ... has anyone had a marriage end like that? Where 24 years, the woman just goes crazy, has an affair with a 21 year old kid, blames everyone, rewrites our marriage past almost to justify her actions, has a husband who tries for 8 hard months everything he can to stay ............ I fought SO hard. I have forgiven her. She is at a place and will not change, and I can't live with how she has become as much as I still love her.

Why did she do it all? I'll never know, she sure didn't have enough love for me not to, no consideration, no respect. More baffling, she had me fighting hard for her for the most part, when it should have been her fighting for me.


I'll say this - 100% trust and faith is supposed to be given but when its violated? wow ... there is nothing like it, because it shatters the soul. She was a very religious young woman, always the highest morals and ethics. Kind, generous, someone everyone admired. After her Dad died she changed, her sister and brother both used the same words - broken. I admit I was unable to reach her and I stopped trying. My faults were never knowing how to comfort her, and her not telling me I wasn't, I just thought I was doing enough.

I have grown as a person in these 8 months, I am capable of massive changes for her. But its over now, and I'm still crushed
Yup, your situation has many many parallels with mine. After two decades of what I thought was a good relationship, my ex found someone two decades younger than us, kept it secret for over a year until I figured it out, and then took the affair underground while claiming to be working on our marriage. And it certainly felt like I was doing all the work.

Some people are just broken and don't value their integrity as much as they do their desires. Having an affair meant she had TWO men to admire her, you on the home-front, supporting her schooling and doing her chores, and this kid on the side to make her feel young again.

Your wife is selfish, and is willing to cause you pain, the person she vowed to love and honour most, so that she can get those heady limerence feelings from this kid.

It might seem like her father's death was a catalyst, and it was, but not in the 'broken' sense. His death triggered her feelings that life is short, that she should throw caution to the wind and go after what she wants, no matter who it hurts.

This isn't your fault. She took the beautiful gift of your loyal love, and threw it away.

If you're like me, you'll never be able to trust her again. That's no basis for a marriage. Start the divorce process, and with it, start healing.

You loved the person you thought your wife was. Now that she's shown you she's an evil twin who murdered that dream, grieve your loss and move on.
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post #6 of 179 (permalink) Old 01-30-2020, 12:11 AM
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Re: hurting, looking for men's advice with similar please please

Wow, she has treated you brutally and cruel. I am so sorry for all you have been through. Please don’t ever let her convince you to take her back again.

Ciao,

Spicy
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post #7 of 179 (permalink) Old 01-30-2020, 05:03 AM
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Re: hurting, looking for men's advice with similar please please

Child sex abuse victims often, not always, do what your wife has done.

Have you told your children and your family? You really should.


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post #8 of 179 (permalink) Old 01-30-2020, 05:34 AM
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Re: hurting, looking for men's advice with similar please please

@Arkansas, so sorry but it really is time to move on. She put a bomb under your marriage and made the choice with eyes wide open. Work on yourself, get as much therapy as you need, become the best man you can be and get divorce papers and move on. She does not deserve your love nor time.

The life you have, is the life you create
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post #9 of 179 (permalink) Old 01-30-2020, 06:15 AM
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Re: hurting, looking for men's advice with similar please please

My now husbands first wife of 23 years met another man and had an affair. Like you he found it hard to believe that she could act that way, like your wife she largely excused it and blamed him, don't accept that, you sound as if you were a good and supportive husband.

You gave her chance after chance after chance, but she has acted appallingly. Don't accept the excuse that she was abused, I know many people who were abused as children who are faithful loving spouses.

Just to give you some encouragement, my husband and I are in a happy 14 year marriage, and he is loved by a woman who has never and would never cheat and he trustsme 100%. So yes its devastating but you will get though it and come out the other side as we have done and many here have done.
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post #10 of 179 (permalink) Old 01-30-2020, 09:29 AM Thread Starter
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Re: hurting, looking for men's advice with similar please please

Hopeful Cynic

That's very much how it goes.

I offered a separation/divorce and she said it wasn't enough. She wants 1/2 of everything which seems incredibly unfair. I WANT to end this nice, but .... I lost my wife, I'm losing her family which I've been close to, I'm 51, I'll be alone, ... I wanted something I could say hey, I got a little win of some kind out of this.

So she doesn't like my offer, I don't want to give half. I moved into a spare bedroom, minimal contact, I took control of all our finances and in the coming days I am going to get off any/all credit cards that has her name. My lawyer said make it uncomfortable, don't be a butthead too much .... its so against my nature to that. For 24 years I've done everything for her with her and ..... its hard.

I was cold last night in bed. I had no one to snuggle to. Its crushing

I want her to settle with me, give me something, and go. I want to rebuild my life somehow. truth is .... I wanted her to fight for me, to rediscover her love for me ..... its not going to happen, so here we are

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post #11 of 179 (permalink) Old 01-30-2020, 09:39 AM
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Re: hurting, looking for men's advice with similar please please

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I offered a separation/divorce and she said it wasn't enough. She wants 1/2 of everything which seems incredibly unfair.
Based on her actions, I doubt being fair is very high on her list of priorities. There are many other things she's done which are very, very unfair. I'm surprised she's only asking for 50% instead of the full 100%. But from a legal standpoint, is there any reason she wouldn't get 50%? We all understand the unfairness of that, but you may be fighting an extremely difficult uphill battle if you try to get a settlement where she only gets 15%.

Some states consider adultery as part of the divorce. Is your state one of those? Maybe that would be a consideration if so.
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post #12 of 179 (permalink) Old 01-30-2020, 10:10 AM
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Re: hurting, looking for men's advice with similar please please

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I wanted something I could say hey, I got a little win of some kind out of this.
You will your self respect. And all things you seek will come. Believe if you must on her reasons for doing this, but it just simply a flaw she has. Your not to be blamed. She's the f***up and good riddance to her. She'll never ever be good enough for you. There's not enough hot water to clean her.

Do tell the family and don't expect much consideration from them, not to worry she'll make you out to be the bar guy. Get your shark lawyer and speed up the process, like yesterday and do take half of your wealth and put it into a separate account noting it to your lawyer.

Shake this feeling for her, she's hot for the 21 yr old, so your 51 and she close to that what in God's green earth make you think some ahole of a kids wants to see a old woman every day it will be short lived and then will want to come back to the comfort of steady and reality. Don't let her back in and due tell the children and her friends and even the stupid kids parents. Just to get yourself off a bit.

Lasted why would you want this thing back? She's one of the worse beings out there. And you're better off without that anchor dragging in the mud.

If your not the object of your lovers heart, then your just an object.
If you think the grass is greener on the otherside it's not, what you see are the weeds.
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post #13 of 179 (permalink) Old 01-30-2020, 10:11 AM Thread Starter
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Re: hurting, looking for men's advice with similar please please

legally yeah, after a long battle she'd probably get 50% minus all the costs of her lawyer etc

there is another cost ... the damage a long battle would do to our kids, to our families, everyone would know just the depths of what she did .......... I thought that would have value

I guess I thought after 24 years, after all she's done to me .... maybe she's have a soft place left to give me something
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post #14 of 179 (permalink) Old 01-30-2020, 10:18 AM
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Re: hurting, looking for men's advice with similar please please

$2500 a month for school?

Did all that go for school, or was baby boy finding a sugar momma?

ETA: Do you have and accounting for those expenses?
If she was spending on the boy might could help regarding divorce proceedings and the amount she could get.

Does she really want her affair to be spoken of in court for all the world to hear of her character?


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post #15 of 179 (permalink) Old 01-30-2020, 10:20 AM
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Re: hurting, looking for men's advice with similar please please

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legally yeah, after a long battle she'd probably get 50% minus all the costs of her lawyer etc

there is another cost ... the damage a long battle would do to our kids, to our families, everyone would know just the depths of what she did .......... I thought that would have value

I guess I thought after 24 years, after all she's done to me .... maybe she's have a soft place left to give me something
Nothing say more than a woman gone!! She's not into you anymore tell the kids and show them you are above her trash level. Don't worry your kids will love you just for trying as you have already done. They know they would not want a spouse who does this to them. It really that simple.

If your not the object of your lovers heart, then your just an object.
If you think the grass is greener on the otherside it's not, what you see are the weeds.
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