Here we go!?! - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 21 (permalink) Old 02-02-2020, 11:07 PM Thread Starter
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I Miss having a wife and a family with our animals as we have no kids and I’d really like to reconcile with her and give her one last shot but from my other post in other threads tam users don’t think that’s the best idea she won’t even speak with me she had blocked me and all my friends on all social media platforms. Read divorce and sep post for other info on the probs..I got my things from the house recently and since moved to another place and she hasn’t said anything but has unblocked my friends to supposedly see what I’m up too?her mom contacted me lately and asked me to stop by and see them as she would always communicate with me during the whole separation.. what do you think my wife’s motive is ? I am already in the process of divorce etc I won’t stop that . but would rather possibly date her and work on our problems that lead us here. is there a way to go about this from my stand point or just continue to walk the road alone and work on myself and find someone new I really love my wife but she has also done me so wrong and at this point I don’t have much trust or respect for her at the moment but I’m willing to work on it etc I know a lot it also takes two to be in a marriage but looking for advice please refer to other post for full details..


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post #2 of 21 (permalink) Old 02-03-2020, 02:24 AM
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Re: Here we go!?!

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Originally Posted by Islandguy1242 View Post
I Miss having a wife and a family with our animals as we have no kids and Iíd really like to reconcile with her and give her one last shot but from my other post in other threads tam users donít think thatís the best idea she wonít even speak with me she had blocked me and all my friends on all social media platforms. Read divorce and sep post for other info on the probs..I got my things from the house recently and since moved to another place and she hasnít said anything but has unblocked my friends to supposedly see what Iím up too?her mom contacted me lately and asked me to stop by and see them as she would always communicate with me during the whole separation.. what do you think my wifeís motive is ? I am already in the process of divorce etc I wonít stop that . but would rather possibly date her and work on our problems that lead us here. is there a way to go about this from my stand point or just continue to walk the road alone and work on myself and find someone new I really love my wife but she has also done me so wrong and at this point I donít have much trust or respect for her at the moment but Iím willing to work on it etc I know a lot it also takes two to be in a marriage but looking for advice please refer to other post for full details..
I don't see how you can reconcile with her if she won't talk to you. She seems to have made it very clear that she does not want to be in contact with her. Has she ever told you not to contact her?

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post #3 of 21 (permalink) Old 02-04-2020, 10:04 AM
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Re: Here we go!?!

Why would you even give this consideration to someone who has treated you this way? The unblocking of your friends is just so she can keep tabs, because she doesnt want you but doesnt want anyone else to have you or for you to move on to any happiness without her. Not because she loves you so much but because she is that selfish and ego centric. Do yourself the biggest favor and get the divorce over with quickly and dont look back.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.


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post #4 of 21 (permalink) Old 02-04-2020, 10:17 AM
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Re: Here we go!?!

Here ya go


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post #5 of 21 (permalink) Old 02-04-2020, 10:30 AM
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Re: Here we go!?!

I have dealt with a similar situation: In short, she was nasty. She was entitled. She was Daddy's little princess who could do no wrong. He, at least to my knowledge was a good man. He worked, contributed to the housework. Cooked. Shuttled the kids to and from every single activity. However, for all of his effort, he got nothing but flack. Nothing was ever good enough. He did not do enough. His food was sub-par. He did not make enough money. He did not dress well. He was paunchy. She took a nice guy and gave him a depression that could put a laughing Hyena on a psych ward. Finally, he said to her, "I can't make you happy, so I' m beaten. Go find someone who can make you happy, I seem to be making you unhappy." With that, he left. Completely ghosted her. Walked out of the house and she did not hear from him for weeks. In the mean time, she cooked, she cleaned, she took the kids to activities, she did not have a spare moment to herself. She missed all of her hair, and spa appointments. She could barely stay awake at work. Then the emotional isolation hit. She was used to him trying to be a husband. Intimacy. Relief from the kids so she could go out with friends. Her world condensed into two places, the house and the office. She had no time for anything else. She started missing him big time, and finally realized that she had pushed him out the door. It took her a solid month of communicating through his family for him to even listen to her. She had to admit that she was ignorant and entitled and thought that it was her right to do to her husband much like she saw her mother do to her father. It hit her hard that her father was a beaten down shell of a man whose wife ran roughshod over him. She realized she did not want a shell of a man and did not want to make him into one. Two months he stayed away. She invited him out for coffee. What she got was two hours of him laying it all out for her. He did not feel loved, he felt like a servant, he felt like a nothing. She was devastated. She had turned a good man into a pile of quivering jelly. He said that he did not think he could be with her, as she cut off his balls every time she opened her mouth. She made a deal with him. She would go into therapy, and in a month they would meet. He said he held out very little hope. He assured her that when he divorced her, he would be gentle. The mention of the word divorce sent her reeling. She did this. She was responsible. She looked everywhere for suggestions to shore up this sinking ship. In the end she just got honest. She admitted that she hurt him. She offered to set him free. She called herself every name in the book, and kept a diary of what happened in therapy. She convinced him several times to put the divorce on hold. Eventually, he said to her that she finally became the wife he wanted, it took him blowing it all up to get her to see what she had wrought.

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post #6 of 21 (permalink) Old 02-04-2020, 10:57 AM
 
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Re: Here we go!?!

You have to take a very serious and very long timeout for yourself. You have to answer the question: "What is it that has caused me to have such a low self-image? What has happened in my past that causes me to not only endure but to seek out abuse?"

You can't do the above in your current mindset. Get some help.


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post #7 of 21 (permalink) Old 02-04-2020, 11:22 AM
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Re: Here we go!?!

If someone wants to divorce or reconcile, I really don't care. It's their life and their choice. I'm not "pro-divorce", but I really don't think there is anything here to salvage here man. It's normal to go back and forth and I know how easy it is to do that, trust me. Don't lose sight of the facts, though:

Quote:
Iíve tried to communicate with her while separated on and off without being overwhelming she wasnít interested. We havenít communicated in the past 3 months.
Quote:
She said I think we should separate. I asked to maybe try counseling and tried to ask her why she was feeling this way etc. She told me she doesnít love me anymore sheís not attracted to me anymore and that she was a divorce.
Quote:
I did propose marriage counseling to her and she wasnít interested and said it was a waste of time.
Quote:
She also used to be angry with me as I got off of work earlier than her
Quote:
she said all the things I did for her didnít mean much of anything
Quote:
When I spoke to her parents before I left they said she has done this to her previous last two boyfriends
And for good measure, remember this as well:

Quote:
Your right I shouldnít settle to be the pick me guy at all Iím a good looking guy Iím in shape
Quote:
I agree sheís not nice at all.
Quote:
I'd definitely say sheís a narcissist and thinks sheís always right
Quote:
I also have a feeling that she married me to prove a point to the guy I initially caught her with that someone (I) would marry her
On top of that, she cheated and she wants what seems like a very unfair divorce.

Stop second-guessing. You can ruminate until the cows come home but that doesn't change the truth. Your wife does not want to be with you. She is not attracted to you. She does not want to do marriage counseling. She does not want to talk to you. She initiated the separation. She is not a nice person. She is treating you unfairly. She cheated on you. She already has another man in her life, and he isn't even the first OM. She has a history of treating men poorly. You were warned not to marry her. And on, and on.

Chances are she hasn't filed yet because she KNOWS she will not get what she's asking for. So she's putting it off as long as she can and hoping that you leave it alone and allow her to keep everything. Or she will move money around, blow through it, keep spending it on her new man, etc.

Even if you were able to convince her to reconcile, chances are it wouldn't be a true reconciliation. Unless she is on the ground begging to fix things and do everything possible, there isn't a chance. Do not chase her. She wants to be gone, so let her go. You've suffered long enough, don't tack on any more time. Whether you want it or not, most of the time divorce hurts but it will get better. You seem to care more about the dogs than her anyway.

And I hate to break it to you, but every 24 year old thinks they are SO mature for their age. They are not. At your age I was married, owned a house, in my career, had a kid and one on the way, and I thought I was SO ahead of the game and mature. In reality, I was incredibly immature, just a different variety of immature than my friends.
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post #8 of 21 (permalink) Old 02-04-2020, 11:23 AM
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Re: Here we go!?!

Attempting to reconcile with someone that has left you and blocked you on everything isn't reconciling.

It's stalking.

Let go.
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post #9 of 21 (permalink) Old 02-04-2020, 11:28 AM
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Re: Here we go!?!

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Originally Posted by 3Xnocharm View Post
Why would you even give this consideration to someone who has treated you this way? The unblocking of your friends is just so she can keep tabs, because she doesnt want you but doesnt want anyone else to have you or for you to move on to any happiness without her. Not because she loves you so much but because she is that selfish and ego centric. Do yourself the biggest favor and get the divorce over with quickly and dont look back.
@Islandguy1242

The above, and:

She wants something from you and/or her current guy/relationship isn't turning our the way she hoped.

The real world may be smacking her in the face like a wet mackerel. So she's at least reopening doors that would let her reach back to comfort and reinforcing she is still desirable, a catch, has value, etc.

But make no mistake. She's shown that when she has an opportunity will go astray again. As soon as her confidence is reinforced she's off again.

This is a typical circumstance. Only you know all the ins and outstanding but don't immediately think she is thinking of your welfare.

Very likely her mind it's still all about her.
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post #10 of 21 (permalink) Old 02-04-2020, 12:01 PM
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Re: Here we go!?!

I understand the love and longing for what once was and it's very painful....like a punch in the gut.

However, remember...never forget....Don't Beg. Don't do it. I don't even know what's transpired between the two of you but not pleading should be obvious.

If she wants to come to you, she will. It's natural to wonder what an ex is up to....but hold your place, your ground, your chin up. If she doesn't come to you, then so be it.

I'm sorry for your pain. Spend this time apart thinking about you....and not her. It can be life changing in a good way.


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post #11 of 21 (permalink) Old 02-04-2020, 10:11 PM Thread Starter
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So shes been talking to me here and there mainly regarding business things like taxes and me picking stuff up and transferring things etc I asked her if I could have the dogs on and off since I’m going to be living up here etc she told me she would think about it.. I was wondering if I should offer to meet at a dog park with the dogs to walk and talk not to get back together or plea but to understand where it all went wrong in her eyes . Is this not a good idea should I just forget about it?
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post #12 of 21 (permalink) Old 02-04-2020, 10:58 PM
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Re: Here we go!?!

Forget it. Itís irrelevant. What matters is that she has crapped all over you and doesnít want to be with you. Donít allow yourself to look weak in front of her. You deserve much better than her.




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post #13 of 21 (permalink) Old 02-04-2020, 11:15 PM
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Re: Here we go!?!

Forget itall and, by the way there are alot of rescue pets that need a home.

And l not talking of you STBX

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post #14 of 21 (permalink) Old 02-05-2020, 12:15 AM
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Re: Here we go!?!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Islandguy1242 View Post
I Miss having a wife and a family with our animals as we have no kids and I’d really like to reconcile with her and give her one last shot but from my other post in other threads tam users don’t think that’s the best idea she won’t even speak with me she had blocked me and all my friends on all social media platforms. Read divorce and sep post for other info on the probs...
You give people "one last shot" when they're pursuing you. She's not close to pursuing you. In fact, she's running away from you, so I don't understand the context of this sentence.

I really love my wife but she has also done me so wrong and at this point I don’t have much trust or respect for her

Not sure it's good to remain married to someone you can't trust and respect. In addition to love, the love and respect are prerequisites to a marriage. You can account for 1 (love) of the three, when in fact all three are absolutely necessary, not optional or bonuses.

Last edited by colingrant; 02-05-2020 at 12:21 AM.
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post #15 of 21 (permalink) Old 02-05-2020, 12:53 AM
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Re: Here we go!?!

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Originally Posted by Taxman View Post
I have dealt with a similar situation: In short, she was nasty. She was entitled. She was Daddy's little princess who could do no wrong. He, at least to my knowledge was a good man. He worked, contributed to the housework. Cooked. Shuttled the kids to and from every single activity. However, for all of his effort, he got nothing but flack. Nothing was ever good enough. He did not do enough. His food was sub-par. He did not make enough money. He did not dress well. He was paunchy. She took a nice guy and gave him a depression that could put a laughing Hyena on a psych ward. Finally, he said to her, "I can't make you happy, so I' m beaten. Go find someone who can make you happy, I seem to be making you unhappy." With that, he left. Completely ghosted her. Walked out of the house and she did not hear from him for weeks. In the mean time, she cooked, she cleaned, she took the kids to activities, she did not have a spare moment to herself. She missed all of her hair, and spa appointments. She could barely stay awake at work. Then the emotional isolation hit. She was used to him trying to be a husband. Intimacy. Relief from the kids so she could go out with friends. Her world condensed into two places, the house and the office. She had no time for anything else. She started missing him big time, and finally realized that she had pushed him out the door. It took her a solid month of communicating through his family for him to even listen to her. She had to admit that she was ignorant and entitled and thought that it was her right to do to her husband much like she saw her mother do to her father. It hit her hard that her father was a beaten down shell of a man whose wife ran roughshod over him. She realized she did not want a shell of a man and did not want to make him into one. Two months he stayed away. She invited him out for coffee. What she got was two hours of him laying it all out for her. He did not feel loved, he felt like a servant, he felt like a nothing. She was devastated. She had turned a good man into a pile of quivering jelly. He said that he did not think he could be with her, as she cut off his balls every time she opened her mouth. She made a deal with him. She would go into therapy, and in a month they would meet. He said he held out very little hope. He assured her that when he divorced her, he would be gentle. The mention of the word divorce sent her reeling. She did this. She was responsible. She looked everywhere for suggestions to shore up this sinking ship. In the end she just got honest. She admitted that she hurt him. She offered to set him free. She called herself every name in the book, and kept a diary of what happened in therapy. She convinced him several times to put the divorce on hold. Eventually, he said to her that she finally became the wife he wanted, it took him blowing it all up to get her to see what she had wrought.
I would have cheered for this guy, except itís pretty ****ty of him to walk out on his kids without a word for two months just to punish their mother.
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