husband addicted to spying - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 10 (permalink) Old 10-03-2011, 11:01 PM Thread Starter
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husband addicted to spying

Throughout my 9 year marriage my husband has spied on me using various techniques i.e. putting spyware on my iphone, hiding audio recording devices in my car, putting software on my computers to find out my passwords so that he could read my email. I need to say that I have never cheated on him, never. Every time I find out that he's spied on me we get in a huge fight which results in him promising that he'll never violate my privacy again. But what he does each time is only tell me part of the truth i.e. he says he figured out my iphone password which let him see my texts but in actuality he jailbroke my phone and purchased a spyware package to be able to track my gps, read all my texts, etc. I recently found out, yet again, about more lies and spying. He promises, yet again, to never do this again. What should/can I do? I love him and can definitely understand some of his insecurities (we both suffer from insecurity-I just don't get into his stuff) but I can't handle being lied to and violated. Plus-this type of behavior makes me think that HE'S cheating...you know (and I did also just find out that he has been secretly looking at internet porn and paying for it)? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I posted this thread here because I DO think that he has a type of "spying addiction". Thanks.
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post #2 of 10 (permalink) Old 10-04-2011, 10:31 AM
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Re: husband addicted to spying

Insecurities are not attractive or even healthy traits. The two of you need to take an inventory of yourselves. Find out what it is you like and dislike about yourselves. Highlight the good things, and lay out a plan to overcome the bad things.

Begin complimenting yourself and maybe each other on the good things. Reassure each other by actions that the two of you are for each other and no one else. Avoid making sarcastic comments that while might be laughed at initially, tend to poke at people secretly.

And if you are not able to take a thorough inventory of yourself and begin working through your own personal issues, go and get some help through counseling.

The spying is a symptom. Don’t focus on treating the symptom. Get to the root of the illness.
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post #3 of 10 (permalink) Old 10-04-2011, 04:41 PM Thread Starter
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Re: husband addicted to spying

Thank you, that's some great advice. He does make sarcastic comments a lot along with hurtful teasing. We've been working on this for years. I still believe the spying is an addiction and does need to be worked on. He says he's always had these habits and started spying on me with no cause. But yes, we are trying to be more honest with each other, more romantic, and communicating more. I'm just scared because we go through this pattern again and again: he spies, I find out, huge fight, make up, begin communicating/working on things, he spies again, I find out again, etc... I have changed some of my behaviors that he claims are the reasons for him spying (although these behaviors were not there in the beginning or even the 1st half of our marriage yet he still spied) but he hasn't made any changed is his behaviors.
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post #4 of 10 (permalink) Old 10-04-2011, 05:05 PM
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Re: husband addicted to spying

My wife and I know each other's passwords for email, facebook, etc. We don't have passwords on our phones.

I think total transparency from you would help him with his insecurities.
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post #5 of 10 (permalink) Old 10-04-2011, 09:52 PM Thread Starter
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Re: husband addicted to spying

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Originally Posted by SadSamIAm View Post
My wife and I know each other's passwords for email, facebook, etc. We don't have passwords on our phones.

I think total transparency from you would help him with his insecurities.
I really like that you and your wife can share passwords for those kinds of things, I wish my husband and I could as well. But due to the nature of both of our jobs we cannot allow each other access to emails and phones. I just don't accept that becoming a married person means that you have to give up all privacy. I don't want to give my husband my facebook password because I want to have private conversations with my girlfriends/family. I think he should trust me, not force me to give up my privacy.
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post #6 of 10 (permalink) Old 10-04-2011, 11:09 PM
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Re: husband addicted to spying

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I really like that you and your wife can share passwords for those kinds of things, I wish my husband and I could as well. But due to the nature of both of our jobs we cannot allow each other access to emails and phones. I just don't accept that becoming a married person means that you have to give up all privacy. I don't want to give my husband my facebook password because I want to have private conversations with my girlfriends/family. I think he should trust me, not force me to give up my privacy.

Like Mr. & Mrs. Smith (2005) - IMDb ? He's working for the other side?
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post #7 of 10 (permalink) Old 10-04-2011, 11:40 PM
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Re: husband addicted to spying

What conversations do you have with girlfriends and family that you can't share with your husband?
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post #8 of 10 (permalink) Old 10-05-2011, 03:06 PM
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Re: husband addicted to spying

Yes, what would you possibly be saying to friends and family that could not be heard? A marriage is much more than a relationship. Your private life is inclusive of him. Now you can go out with your girlfriends and visit your family, but if there is secrecy, there will be jealousy. That choice is yours. Do you want jealousy, or do you want to remove jealousy? Curiosity killed the cat. Why do you think that phrase exists???
And by the way, no matter what you think, anything you put on the internet is no longer private. I don’t care if you have it safeguarded with passwords etc. It is no longer private domain. And is open to be public knowledge. If there is something you don’t want the rest of the world to see, including your hubby. DON’T PUT IT ON THE INTERNET!!!

Now, if he has an “addiction” to spying, then instead of focusing on the negative aspects of it, and having it be a source of fights… Turn it into something fun and sexy. Maybe have him spy on you in the shower, or through the window. Enjoy what you can in your relationship, and don’t allow petty things to get in the way of a lifetime of happiness. Sometimes we are our own worst enemies.
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post #9 of 10 (permalink) Old 10-18-2011, 09:51 PM
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Re: husband addicted to spying

I am new on here and was searching for a problem like this. Except I am the husband who has problems with anxiety, spying and mistrust. I can tell you from the other pint of view, that having these thoughts and needing to spy..SUCKS!

Have you considered that maybe he has an anxiety problem? I see a therapist and he believes I have separation anxiety disorder (my mother died when I was 16). So when my wife does things that do not include me, I have to find a reason why. Instead of just accepting that we can't do everything together.

As far as passwords, i can tell you that I let my wife know what mine is but she doesn't let me know what hers are. She says that she should still have her privacy. This feeds the problem.
“Romance and more" makes good points.
I think is important for the 2 of you seek help together.
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post #10 of 10 (permalink) Old 10-21-2011, 07:16 AM
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Re: husband addicted to spying

OP perhaps you are looking at his behavior as some type of restraint that you refuse to let him have over you? I hope not because that was my wife and she was rebellous and we never were a team. And after all,a married couple has become one instead of two separate individuals.
But here is what I want to say....have you ever considered that in his mind,his actions may be as innocent as a newborn baby and that he means absolutely no harm or wrong towards you by doing what he does? Have you thought one time that he may not be doing this as an offensive act but rather because he loves you more than you realise and is afraid of losing you? If you refuse to be transparent he will be a sad man. I know,have known for over 38 years of marriage to a cheater that hid everything.
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