Husbands lifelong porn addiction is taking its toll on me. .. - Talk About Marriage
Relationships and Addiction Whether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.

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post #1 of 23 (permalink) Unread 01-06-2020, 03:30 AM Thread Starter
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Husbands lifelong porn addiction is taking its toll on me. ..

My husband & I have been together for 11 yrs/married for 6. We have had a pretty great relationship, hes always treated me like a queen, and we have a pretty darn good sex life lol. But its definitely had its bumps in the road... Trouble is, he's been addicted to porn/masturbating his whole life... He's gotten better, he doesn't look at porn as much as he used to. As far as masturbation, well I don't really know for sure, just what he tells me, & that's that he doesn't do it everyday anymore... But as far as the porn, whenever we have our kid free weekends, just us, we like to (don't judge pls) do some recreational party favors lol and kick back or do whatever. Well that's when he likes to look at it the most. And I usually tell him its ok, for just a little bit. Next thing you know, its been hours, and I want to snatch his phone & smash it. Ive only always said its ok to make him happy, so he's not "bored" and I don't feel obligated to entertain him lol.
But he also has the habit of being a hoarder... He'll save the pics/gifs he looks at. I check his phone sometimes, he'll have a couple hundred saved... Makes me sick. A few years ago , he had taken off his jeans to change, and while he stepped into bathroom, something was drawing me to that little pocket on his jeans. And what do I find... A micro SD card. When I got the time to look, it had at least 1,000 videos & pictures...
We've fought/argued so many times, and he'd use my addictions (had an opioid addiction, doing great now!) against me, said he didn't like it, but I wouldn't quit. Tried convincing him it wasn't near the same...the pills didn't make him feel like less of a husband!
We've argued so many times over the porn, but I'm just to the point where Idk what to do. Its going to he a battle to get him to quit, since its been a part of his life for so long.... But I can't see myself dealing with this, the way it makes me feel, for the rest of my life. But I love this man like no other!
One big thing that I've realized is, when it comes to sex, I don't think he's capable of maintaining slow love making... Yea, we have wild sex, its fun & I love it. But there are days where I just want that slow, sweet stuff. But 1-2 min in, and he's already speeding things up, goin faster. If he does slow down, his member goes back to sleep.... (I've read that's an affect of porn)
Im just so lost! I can't take this anymore. Even with the fact that he makes me feel like the most beautiful woman & I know he loves me, loves every part of my body... I just want to be the only one that turns him on. He doesn't understand what's so wrong with his addiction, "he's not cheating"....
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post #2 of 23 (permalink) Unread 01-06-2020, 03:32 AM Thread Starter
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I should also throw in there that he's a (never admitted that he is tho, but its obvious) sex addict..
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post #3 of 23 (permalink) Unread 01-06-2020, 11:25 AM
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Re: Husbands lifelong porn addiction is taking its toll on me. ..

You must explain to him how you feel about his addiction and why this is a problem for you.

Movies on this channel seem helpful.



I found a great website that can help, you can download a free e-book quite right. http://addictedtointernetporn.com/


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post #4 of 23 (permalink) Unread 01-06-2020, 07:00 PM
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Re: Husbands lifelong porn addiction is taking its toll on me. ..

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Originally Posted by BeautifulDisaster2020 View Post
He doesn't understand what's so wrong with his addiction, "he's not cheating"....
So he minimizes his porn addiction and also minimizes your concern about it.

Doesn't sound like he wants to give it up. Same with any addict and their addiction. Until they see for themselves that it's unhealthy, they won't stop.

Does he hoard anything other than porn?

I refuse to make anyone a priority in my life who considers me nothing more than an option.

You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.
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post #5 of 23 (permalink) Unread 01-06-2020, 07:53 PM
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Re: Husbands lifelong porn addiction is taking its toll on me. ..

I’m a bit confused.

You have a great relationship and it doesn’t seem that he’s neglecting you sexually or emotionally.

What is it that is bothering you so much with his porn habit? How does it impact you? Is it the lack of slow and sweet sex? The amount that he views it? That he hides it from you? That he saves it?

Your statement that you want to be the only one that turns him on is what is particularly concerning to me here - because for many people, that will never be the case.
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post #6 of 23 (permalink) Unread 01-06-2020, 10:28 PM
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Re: Husbands lifelong porn addiction is taking its toll on me. ..

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Originally Posted by BeautifulDisaster2020 View Post
My husband & I have been together for 11 yrs/married for 6. We have had a pretty great relationship, hes always treated me like a queen, and we have a pretty darn good sex life lol. But its definitely had its bumps in the road... Trouble is, he's been addicted to porn/masturbating his whole life... He's gotten better, he doesn't look at porn as much as he used to. As far as masturbation, well I don't really know for sure, just what he tells me, & that's that he doesn't do it everyday anymore... But as far as the porn, whenever we have our kid free weekends, just us, we like to (don't judge pls) do some recreational party favors lol and kick back or do whatever. Well that's when he likes to look at it the most. And I usually tell him its ok, for just a little bit. Next thing you know, its been hours, and I want to snatch his phone & smash it. Ive only always said its ok to make him happy, so he's not "bored" and I don't feel obligated to entertain him lol.
But he also has the habit of being a hoarder... He'll save the pics/gifs he looks at. I check his phone sometimes, he'll have a couple hundred saved... Makes me sick. A few years ago , he had taken off his jeans to change, and while he stepped into bathroom, something was drawing me to that little pocket on his jeans. And what do I find... A micro SD card. When I got the time to look, it had at least 1,000 videos & pictures...
We've fought/argued so many times, and he'd use my addictions (had an opioid addiction, doing great now!) against me, said he didn't like it, but I wouldn't quit. Tried convincing him it wasn't near the same...the pills didn't make him feel like less of a husband!
We've argued so many times over the porn, but I'm just to the point where Idk what to do. Its going to he a battle to get him to quit, since its been a part of his life for so long.... But I can't see myself dealing with this, the way it makes me feel, for the rest of my life. But I love this man like no other!
One big thing that I've realized is, when it comes to sex, I don't think he's capable of maintaining slow love making... Yea, we have wild sex, its fun & I love it. But there are days where I just want that slow, sweet stuff. But 1-2 min in, and he's already speeding things up, goin faster. If he does slow down, his member goes back to sleep.... (I've read that's an affect of porn)
Im just so lost! I can't take this anymore. Even with the fact that he makes me feel like the most beautiful woman & I know he loves me, loves every part of my body... I just want to be the only one that turns him on. He doesn't understand what's so wrong with his addiction, "he's not cheating"....
I see your point of view, it compounding because you don't use porn to get you going. So it's because you can refrain from that being your starter you expect this same result from your lover. Is there something wrong with this? No l don't think so and I would want my spouse to desire me without looking at porn. Or magazine of nudes. So what effort is your H willing to do? To keep you in sync with him. Have you told him you will be with him each step of the way.

Have you tried alternative methods to slow him down, other than PIV. Maybe lotion rub downs to slowly allow him to lose himself and enjoy the moment. You say he fills you in every other way. Then you have a good base and also have you thought of the little blue pill for him when you want him to go slower if he's got the desire it should work for him.

I see how you respond to these questions to see if l have more to offer you in your quest.

If your not the object of your lovers heart, then your just an object.
If you think the grass is greener on the otherside it's not, what you see are the weeds.
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post #7 of 23 (permalink) Unread 01-07-2020, 09:20 AM
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Re: Husbands lifelong porn addiction is taking its toll on me. ..

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Originally Posted by Marduk View Post
Iím a bit confused.

You have a great relationship and it doesnít seem that heís neglecting you sexually or emotionally.

What is it that is bothering you so much with his porn habit? How does it impact you? Is it the lack of slow and sweet sex? The amount that he views it? That he hides it from you? That he saves it?

Your statement that you want to be the only one that turns him on is what is particularly concerning to me here - because for many people, that will never be the case.
Perhaps I'm not condoning the degree of it but I believe I've found a post by @Marduk that I do agree with his first sentence and his concept of good line of questions.

Food for thought.
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post #8 of 23 (permalink) Unread 01-07-2020, 09:32 AM
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Re: Husbands lifelong porn addiction is taking its toll on me. ..

The problem is, him watching porn is devaluing him in her eyes. He going from a 9 to a 6....
It's a bit like an eating disorder that makes him fat.
Their sex is not what it could be.
Her desire for him is diminished and he's losing grip on what intimacy truly is and it's benefits.

He needs something better to do....he needs to use up his time doing something better.
Get him out of the house. He won't be jacking at the zoo.
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post #9 of 23 (permalink) Unread 01-07-2020, 09:38 AM
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Re: Husbands lifelong porn addiction is taking its toll on me. ..

OP, I guess a few questions:

Is is using porn *instead* of paying attention to you (sexual or other), or only using it when you are busy with something else. If the first, the I believe its clearly a problem if the second, then there is some question.

Does *he* think he as an addiction? Some people who are addicted are very aware that they are, but are unable to figure out how to stop. BTW - by their nature "addictions" can be extremely difficult to avoid. If you have never been addicted to something it can be difficult to imagine what it is like to know that you don't want to do something, but to be unable to stop yourself.

His sexual behavior might be a result of lots of porn. I think the key is not when he gets an erection - that is not completely under control, but his unwillingness to engage in slow lovemaking (of some sort that doesn't require an erect penis). Does he know that this is important to you?

I do think you have a good reason for concern, but that its worth being clear with yourself what specifically the issues are so that they can be addressed.
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post #10 of 23 (permalink) Unread Yesterday, 03:30 PM
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Re: Husbands lifelong porn addiction is taking its toll on me. ..

I wonder why we don't consider porn addiction as cheating? In a way, it is, from the betrayed spouse's viewpoint. If it's a chronic solo habit on the part of the porn addict, it leaves the other spouse feeling inferior, and unwanted. Just like emotional and physical affairs, if we're honest.

I had something else posted, but deleted it in favor of this. If my husband were addicted to porn, or stopping at strip clubs, and what not, I'd feel like where did I go wrong? How did I marry such a sleazy guy? I find the behavior to be low class, and part of me wonders if that would bother me more than thinking he was interested in other women, besides me.

I have a friend whose husband ''stops'' at strip clubs on the way home from work, sometimes. I don't say anything to her, but I can tell it bothers her. It would bother me to be married to a classless guy, personally and a guy who sits in hiding from me, masturbating to porn all day...yuck.

At some point OP, you have to reflect on why you have accepted this 'lifelong' habit? He may never change, but you can change your situation, for yourself.

Every now and then, you fall in love with the most unexpected person at the most unexpected time. - unknown

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post #11 of 23 (permalink) Unread Yesterday, 04:42 PM
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Re: Husbands lifelong porn addiction is taking its toll on me. ..

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Originally Posted by *Deidre* View Post
I wonder why we don't consider porn addiction as cheating? In a way, it is, from the betrayed spouse's viewpoint. If it's a chronic solo habit on the part of the porn addict, it leaves the other spouse feeling inferior, and unwanted. Just like emotional and physical affairs, if we're honest.

I had something else posted, but deleted it in favor of this. If my husband were addicted to porn, or stopping at strip clubs, and what not, I'd feel like where did I go wrong? How did I marry such a sleazy guy? I find the behavior to be low class, and part of me wonders if that would bother me more than thinking he was interested in other women, besides me.

I have a friend whose husband ''stops'' at strip clubs on the way home from work, sometimes. I don't say anything to her, but I can tell it bothers her. It would bother me to be married to a classless guy, personally and a guy who sits in hiding from me, masturbating to porn all day...yuck.

At some point OP, you have to reflect on why you have accepted this 'lifelong' habit? He may never change, but you can change your situation, for yourself.
I agree, but she did marry him knowing what he was like. There is no way that I would put up with this, but then I wouldn't marry a man who thought it was ok to act this way.

OP, a lady I knew gave her husband an ultimatum, the marriage or the porn, guess what he stopped. Not saying that your husband will, but its never going to stop until you stop enabling it.
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post #12 of 23 (permalink) Unread Yesterday, 04:58 PM
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Re: Husbands lifelong porn addiction is taking its toll on me. ..

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I agree, but she did marry him knowing what he was like. There is no way that I would put up with this, but then I wouldn't marry a man who thought it was ok to act this way.

OP, a lady I knew gave her husband an ultimatum, the marriage or the porn, guess what he stopped. Not saying that your husband will, but its never going to stop until you stop enabling it.
Yea, but 22 years? lol I have a feeling she thought he'd phase out of it, eventually. I think porn addiction is a real thing, but it has become an excuse of sorts for men to not try to break free from it. Like all addictions, he will have to learn new habits and new ways of channeling his energy, and needs for escape into cyber sex.

I know people who have given ultimatums, and I'm not a fan of them. It's like cheating spouses who are caught and only return to ''reconcile'' with their betrayed spouses, because they are too afraid of being kicked out of their lifestyle. An ultimatum feels like that to me - it's like the WS is doing the betrayed spouse a favor by 'choosing' them. Thaaaaanks.

But, you can make your feelings strongly known OP, and see if your husband changes his behavior. Not in a mean way, of course, but he has to realize that you're very unhappy and that it's not the marriage you envisioned having. Good luck with this situation.

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post #13 of 23 (permalink) Unread Yesterday, 05:03 PM
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Re: Husbands lifelong porn addiction is taking its toll on me. ..

Sometimes a situation comes down to deciding that you can't be happy with things the way that they are, and that things are unlikely to change. He knows you are unhappy about his porn use. Whether he can't or won't stop really doesn't matter that much, it sounds like this will continue. You probably cannot convince him that what he is doing is "wrong" and he can't convince you that it is "ok".
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post #14 of 23 (permalink) Unread Yesterday, 06:39 PM
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Re: Husbands lifelong porn addiction is taking its toll on me. ..

Quote:
Originally Posted by *Deidre* View Post
I wonder why we don't consider porn addiction as cheating? In a way, it is, from the betrayed spouse's viewpoint. If it's a chronic solo habit on the part of the porn addict, it leaves the other spouse feeling inferior, and unwanted.
You could say the same thing about a hobby or a job too but you wouldn't call it cheating. I personally don't see looking at porn as cheating because it's still a singular activity that you do alone (at least in this context). Also not talking about interactive cam girls. There are also lots of marriages where the partners use it together. Women get addicted too by the way.

Strip clubs are also different because there is a human interaction. Most people look at porn alone.

Now that is not to discount the problems it can cause in a marriage but it's not cheating at least in my book.

What I don't get it she says there sex life is good and they have a good marriage, so is it just the amount of time he spends doing it? I mean if that is the case I guess you could post the same thing about Online Gaming or Facebook. All of those things if done too much can cause problems.

You hear all the time that the BS has to eat a **** sandwich, but most of the time the WS -- IS the **** sandwich.

Last edited by sokillme; Yesterday at 06:44 PM.
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post #15 of 23 (permalink) Unread Today, 04:31 AM
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Re: Husbands lifelong porn addiction is taking its toll on me. ..

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Yea, but 22 years? lol I have a feeling she thought he'd phase out of it, eventually. I think porn addiction is a real thing, but it has become an excuse of sorts for men to not try to break free from it. Like all addictions, he will have to learn new habits and new ways of channeling his energy, and needs for escape into cyber sex.

I know people who have given ultimatums, and I'm not a fan of them. It's like cheating spouses who are caught and only return to ''reconcile'' with their betrayed spouses, because they are too afraid of being kicked out of their lifestyle. An ultimatum feels like that to me - it's like the WS is doing the betrayed spouse a favor by 'choosing' them. Thaaaaanks.

But, you can make your feelings strongly known OP, and see if your husband changes his behavior. Not in a mean way, of course, but he has to realize that you're very unhappy and that it's not the marriage you envisioned having. Good luck with this situation.
In the ladies case I mentioned it was a last resort. She has tried for years to deal with it, and she was ready to leave. He knew she was serious and he stopped which just goes to show that even if its an addiction its perfectly possible to stop if you want to enough.
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