[quote=Hellomynameis;17248425]Maybe if I'd had a few positive experiences before him I wouldn't have settled for that, but because I didn't know it could be good I never even questioned it. And I think he was glad I didn't know better because he could be selfish and get away with it.[/quote @Hellomynameis
- wow, your story really struck me. I too was a virgin when I met my wife and I had never had sex with anyone else. And I didn't discuss it with others. For me it was not quality, but sex frequency that was an issue. I was led to believe that infrequent sex was normal once you marry. Whenever I asked therapists, I got this vague bullcrap answer that it is whatever the two of you can mutually agree on. Nobody would dare directly answer it. This was a colossal disservice to me. The inability of therapists to answer this question more directly, has cost me a decade of wasted effort and frustration. Sure, once a month sex is fine if you're both LD (Low Desire), but the truth is there is a right answer. Generally, happy marriages seem to be around 3X/week.
What made me come to this estimate is talking to people here and in real life. But the first time I realized something was really wrong was the day I read a scientific paper about the impact on marital sex after a sexual injury. What was interesting was once recovered from injury... These should be near normal... but the table showed very frequent sex was normal with a drop off by age. The top age group was 70+ and they had sex a few times a month. That hit me like a ton of bricks. Because the next age group is dead people. So I literally thought to myself, I have sex with my wife as often as dead people 0-1x/month.
Note: I don't believe I am a selfish or crappy lover. I read a lot, and bought a lot of toys. My goal is always to give my wife an orgasm and I am almost always successful. Sex is a great and fun experience to share with someone you love (as it was when we dated). She just doesn't want them. It makes me wonder if that makes her a selfish lover for denying me loving sex in marriage. Also, the once a month sex was not usually loving sex, but more duty sex because it became impossible to justify our marriage in her mind after a month or two of rejection.
I actually think back 11 years ago and think my first therapist failed me. She should have laid it out very clearly, either privately or in front of my wife, that we should NOT have children until we work out our sex issues. She made it seem like this is normal and suggested to my wife that she "try harder to be open to sex", which never addressed the issue and suggested duty sex. My wife didn't change and a few years later, was pregnant. Now, the solutions are far more complicated.