hhttps://pdfs.semanticscholar.org/f1d...f8f08d5407.pdf

While trying to better understand my wife, I came across a rather remarkable thesis someone wrote about the effect of the more conservative church's teachings about sex, specifically to women, and the damage that can do. The context is what the church is teaching younger women, high school and college. It's a lengthy paper; 313 pages in all, but the key points will be found in the sections marked. Page numbers are for the document (what's shown on the printed page) and don't line up with the acrobat page numbers. I'm posting a few relevant sections below as well.

Identity Conflicts (starts on page 111)
Sexual and relationship problems with men (starts on page 181)
Affect dysregulation (page 212)

Fathers, lovers, and attention seeking with men. All women identified their
fathers were distant. None noted physical or sexual abuse by their fathers. Five women
identified their fathers as emotionally abusive, and two stated their fathers had mental
illness. Each woman linked this lack of attention and affection to their low self-esteem
and subsequent vulnerability to male attention.

Six of the women indicated craving positive male attention so strongly that by the
time they reached college, even though they worked hard to maintain their virginity in
high school, they had sex easily with their first boyfriend there. Four of the six women
reported being mistreated by these initial boyfriends, pressured into sex, and cheated on
throughout their relationship. All six women stated their self-views were so low that the
positive attention from these men greatly, albeit temporarily, increased their self-esteem
and made them feel better. As Kristen stated, “I had such a poor self-image, that male
attention, a male wanting me was so addictive. It felt so good to be wanted, to be found
attractive . . . I felt like I owed sex to them for giving this attention” (Kr,2,398). Three of
the women claimed their self-esteem was so low, that they would have married the first
man who wanted to marry them. Cheryl, who married at a young age, and later divorced,
claimed, “I married him because he gave me flowers. That was the thing. I was ugly, and
he gave me flowers” (Ch,2,496).

Dating as sexual acting out. Two key messages were internalized that
influenced how they entered the dating world: a woman’s sexuality was her
power, and if she were to engage this power, she would not be wanted by a good
man. As Becky recalled:

I realized at a young age . . . I’m coming to this time of definite dawning
that I am very low in the totem pole . . . but that my sexuality was a trump
card. And so there was a great deal of power involved (Be,2,325).
She continued, “I was essentially told that I had no power, but that I could bring
down a kingdom by showing a little clavicle” (Be,2,341).

Nine of the women indicated their dating relationships comprised mostly
of sexual acting out (the remaining two were virgins and also had fears of relating
with men). Interestingly, for all nine women in the study, all of their dating
relationships (save their marriages) were with non-Christian boys and men who
did not share their faith and were not men they would marry. One slight exception
included a woman whose first sexual experience was with her first boyfriend in
college, whom she loved; however, after this, all of her subsequent sexual
relationships were mostly sex-driven and with non-Christian men. Another
exception included one woman whose first sexual partner was a Christian boy her
senior year in high school in a brief relationship.

Hiding. Struggles with identity and shame often resulted in hiding parts of
themselves and living compartmentalized lives, exacerbating a disconnected, shameful,
and isolated experience for the women. Hiding was often exhibited through secrecy,
lying, and compartmentalization.

Secrecy. Several mentioned secrecy and lying as a major theme in their sexual
story. Several shared of having secret boyfriends due to lack of approval by friends and
family. Most reported not only concealing their sexual activities, but some mentioned
overtly lying to friends and family in efforts to cover up their sexual activity. Kristen,
who did not have sex until college, in talking about her high school experience, shared, “I
was two different people and that kind of ties in with that Madonna/***** – what if they
knew what I was doing on Friday night? I kept secrets. I kept secrets” (Kr,2,308). She
also mentioned a time in college when, in response to the devastation of her “bad-boy”
non-Christian boyfriend breaking up with her, with whom she’d been having sex, she told
a family member that he broke up with her because she wouldn’t have sex with him. She
shared, “I can’t believe I said that lie, but I wanted so desperately for it to be true,
because I felt so dirty” (Kr,1,519). Beth stated, “I put a lot of energy in snowing my
parents” (B,1,855). Cheryl, who had a few sexual relationships prior to her marriage,
reported, “with the sex is an evil practice of necessity . . . obviously I hid my premarital
sex” (Ch,2,496). Many of the women mentioned the great isolation and anxiety they felt,
because they hid their sexuality from their close friends. They revealed lying to their
Christian friends about having sex with their boyfriends, so they would not be rejected by
their friends.

Many women mentioned their hiding as related to the lack of an emotionally safe
place to process sexual feelings and experiences. Beth shared, “There was no place in my
life where that was okay. Just none, you know? Certainly not in my family or my church”
(B,1,803). When asked of some if they had regrets in not talking about their sexual
struggles to their family or friends, they responded with an emphatic, “No, that would not
have been good,” citing the consequences they would have received for their openness,
primarily the end of Christian friendship and the end of reverence and respect within their
Christian community.

For many of the women, the fear and shame at sharing sexual information with
friends and husbands currently remains high. Many confided sexual information for the
first time during the interviews, and others stated that their first sexual disclosures
occurred with their counselors later in their adult life. Several women reported still
having significant sexual information they had yet to tell their husbands 15+ years into
their marriages or still feeling mortified if anyone knew they were not virgins when they
married. While many continued to struggle in sharing their sexuality, others shared of the
journey in opening up and facing the ingrained fear of rejection and abandonment for
disclosing their sexual stories. For Beth, “It bothers me that it’s still a fear, just because
I’d like to be able to be more open – just generally. I’d like to be able to be more open
with people” (B,1,834).

Compartmentalization. Compartmentalization about sexuality often dictated how
these women experienced much of their lives as Christians. Many talked about having
two types of friends growing up, Christians with whom they withheld their sexual
information, and non-Christian friends they could talk to about their sexuality. For fear of
rejection from their Christian community, their sexuality and sexual behaviors were
separated out from the rest of their lives and kept in secret. Once married, most claimed
their sexual lives with their husbands have never been shared with others and have thus
been in the dark. Many, however, identified counseling as the conduit for beginning to
talk about their sexuality, yet revealed that much of their sexuality had yet to be
addressed in counseling, due to fear and shame - if not asked, they didn’t share.

Even during the interviews, many were surprised at how different it was for them
to share sexual information. One woman, who was a prolific writer and thinker on these
issues, mentioned she has managed to write quite a bit on the topic of women, religion,
and sexuality but has done so without having to self-disclose. She stated, “I feel a little
embarrassed that I wasn’t able to keep this academic somehow . . . women, religion, and
sexuality – those are things that I’m very interested in and passionate about, but I guess I
didn’t expect it to stir up so much personal stuff” (B,3,8). Almost all of the women,
though, expressed gratefulness for sharing during the interviews, noting it made them feel
valued that someone would be interested enough to ask.

A woman’s need for rescuing. Six of the women believed being in a relationship
was critical in making them feel more stable as women. Describing their own
insecurities, they were drawn to relationships with men in order to feel better about
themselves. Two of the married women shared of such significant insecurity in college
and afterwards that they admitted to dating anyone who would take them, that being in a
relationship made them feel more secure. Both mentioned they were lucky to have
married good husbands, as they would have married “anyone” out of need for
relationship. Four of the six women who were single or divorced identified meeting a
man as what would most help them feel more valuable and more secure as a woman. All
of the women indicated they were taught that the end-goal for them was to find a man.
Combined with the shame they experienced for being “sexually loose,” if left to their
own devices, many women either explicitly stated or implied that finding a man was
loaded for them with desperate feelings of wanting to be “made right.” Several stated
directly that being married either had or would make them feel more legitimate in their
churches.

Depression and confusion. In addition to fear and shame, emotional suppression
and avoidance was used to regulate sexuality. Often, emotional suppression and denial
was spiritualized as a form of godliness. To feel fear, sorrow, or anger was to not trust
God. For many of the women, mistrust of emotions was a core religious tenet. Emotions
were what led you astray and led you to sin and away from God, not toward God. For
many, this contributed to a dysregulated emotional state of depression and confusion,
often requiring them to dissociate, to detach from self-awareness and emotions in order to
cope. Susan, whose fear regarding sexual sin and desire to please has kept her from
dating her adult life, shared:
The whole ‘guarding your heart,’ which I don’t know what that means, but
that was something I bought into as well with dating, like girls, you have
to guard your heart. I don’t even know what that means . . . and you can’t
trust your desires, like, we can really be led astray by our desires.

Developmentally, many mentioned college as a beginning point for depression; a
mixture of emotional dysregulation and sexual acting out that often resulted in a spiritual
crisis of despair. Throughout their lives, some shared they felt blamed by their religious
leaders for their depression. Cheryl felt great confusion and shame when her pastor told
her she was not praying enough and trusting God enough, stating, “’Don’t let anybody
tell you that you need medication for depression’”

Eight of the 11 women reported some level of depression at the time of the study.
For one woman, her church has been the most healing for her. Counseling for many has
been helpful in normalizing their sexual feelings and emotions in general. Beth stated that
she had just begun working through these deeper feelings, believing much to be related to
her sexuality. She shared:
I’ve been in counseling since June. And I went to counseling, because I
was very depressed, and I have issues with anxiety anyway, but I feel like
a lot of the last year has been like being a burn patient, you know, when
they’re constantly scraping off dead tissue, and I just haven’t hit the
healthy tissue yet, I don’t think B,3,677).
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My wife found herself written about in several places. This is an amazing piece of work. You can see how much damage is done by teaching a binary set of values; you are either good and live within the teachings of the church, or you are bad and outside. What happens, in a nutshell, is that you hide one side of you from the other. You're a good girl in church, but you deliberate deal with bad boys outside, whom you don't have to see in church. And you're looking for a way out, a way to move past the sin of premarital intimacy. The effect can be life-long and has been referenced in a number of threads, including my own.

You didn't have to teach your daughters to pee, did you? You only had to teach them where you wanted them to pee. We don't have to teach people inherent behavior. We wouldn't spend so much time telling girls that they're naturally monogamous if they really were.....We are still trying to control their sexual behavior....So men could ease their insecurity about paternity.

This is a staggered excerpt from the book "Women's Infidelity: Living In Limbo." The book is written as a conversation the author had with a male friend, whose wife was having an affair, so the context of this excerpt was about girls being taught men are not monogamous but women are naturally monogamous, which isn't true.

Swap the term "monogamous" with "sexual", and it's the same that girls/women have been taught throughout the ages - that they are not naturally sexual beings but men are, as the dissertation discusses.

It's incredibly frustrating. I don't have a problem with girls and boys being taught to remain pure until marriage, but the things I hate the most are the double standard, the fears that are instilled in order to be convincing, and the fact that women have always subscribed to and perpetuated men's concepts of women and female behavior, even in today's societies, religions, and cultures. Like in the dissertation, not just men but women were also and still are the leaders and teachers conveying these messages. It's insane to me.

I didn't read that, but I wanted to ask why it's religion's fault and not your parents' fault? Religion didn't force you to go there and those who are not religious seem to be more open than others.

I don't blame women or men for their adventurous nature, but I find them to be incompatible for me. I was raised in the church and as far as I know, I'm the only one(among my siblings) who didn't have an adventurous sexual life with plenty of partners.

So, how do I reconcile that with the idea that it is all religions fault? I don't. Something else happened and I don't know what it was.

As troublesome as some of the Judeo-Christian church's teachings (as practiced) 'can be', and sometimes are, it is the major bulwark against rampant promiscuity.

Good moral turpitude is dependent on having the best practices of societal behavior demonstrated, taught and encouraged. And enforced.

We need some sort of glue to keep the wall of humanity from collapsing and falling into that steamy pit of random sex and drugs.

We are always two generations away from Bohemia, from Babylon. Religion is that glue.

Many in this world are 'lost' souls.
With many aimless, and flailing around for some deeper meaning.

Without religion we are even 'more' lost.

Not all religious teachings are bad.
Not even close.

I visited Babylon, in Iraq in 2003. I found it in shambles and in ruins.
This is a good example of what can come to any country, maybe the world.


THRD- transmitted by a friend.

ISTM that you are starting from the position that society ought to be as you wish it to be - and that achieving what you perceive as ideal is to be reached without regard for truth and evidence-based thinking - both of which many of us would regard as essential to a morally defensible society.

You pick a single country and claim your experience validates your attitude. Perhaps it does but you might spend some time looking at professionally gained and analysed data (Pew Research?) - consider that much of Northern and Western Europe where religion is in decline and is much more liberal and socially accepting (though well less than perfect) is not in "need some sort of glue to keep the wall of humanity from collapsing and falling into that steamy pit of random sex and drugs". Also think on the evidence that high abortion rates, low educational achievement and greater levels of religious practice seem to co-exist in a manner which suggests there may be some cause-and-effect in play. (Pew again?)

"We are always two generations away from Bohemia, from Babylon. Religion is that glue." I don't think that is the lesson of history - though lessons from history aren't worth serious consideration. The UK Victorians in power enforced a church-going, work-ethic, guilt-ridden society based on knowing one's place, accepting God's will (as interpreted by those in power) and relying on an unevidenced deity complete with afterlife alternatives unsupported by fact or reason - and what happened - Edwardian England, The Great War the 1920s and 1930s. I wonder how that reality sits with your contention.

"Without religion we are even 'more' lost." I doubt it - you have evidence?
Without religion we would not expect the false promises that many religious proponents make to happen - and therefore would not be "lost" when they failed to occur. I know about "creating the need" - it is a common sales technique amongst those without a product that meets actual need.

"Not all religious teachings are bad.
Not even close."

Some are good - but none are owned by any particular religion. Just because a religion adopts some good teachings doesn't mean that we need the religion. The Ten Commandments (two of the three Biblical versions at least) reflect commands that predate Judaism - consider the Pharoic Law and the Code of Hammurabi. And if good teachings could validate religious belief they would validate not only Judeo-Christian practice but also Islam, Hinduism, Sikhism etc. etc.. Actually the Bible's main contribution to religio-moral thought seems to be the introduction, via the tenth commandment, of guilt for unwanted thought - one dodgy dream and you're going to hell. (And lets not forget the condoning of slavery through rules to mitigate the very worst of the owner/chattel relationship). All I've known who profess a religious conviction based on a text or texts fail to get past the pick-and-mix stage. I'm not doubting their sincerity and many are lovely people but their attitude to the text is the same as mine was sixty+ years ago faced with Woolworth's sweet counter on Saturday morning. I'll have some of those and couple of them, don't like the pink shrimps and can't have those - they make me sick- etc. etc. etc.

Additional point - unless one proposes to teach/enforce practices which one admits are based on unsupported speculation - any insistence that religiously inspired thoughts are validated by their origin is, in itself, morally indefensible. Religion-based totalitarianism would be morally bankrupt, would stifle human exploration and achievement, validate current economic inequality and impoverish humanity - now and in the future.

Final thought - just occurred to me. Can you name something good that religion has caused - not something that humans have caused and credited to religion - something beneficial to humanity that could not have happened without religious belief.

God bestowed the gift of sex to us as the means for procreation and to lovingly share and enjoy under certain parameters!

Guilt is usually only purveyed by those who erroneously apply biblical precepts!

@cp3o, a very well written reply. I see you have in you, some, maybe a lot of distaste of, maybe hate, for religion, likely mainstream JC teachings.

You are not alone in feeling these thoughts. I had them....too. Until, I did not.

Every religion was predated by some other theism, some other philosophy.

Ah, Hammurabi, preceded Socrates by some ~1300 years. Hammurabi's were the oldest 'recorded' laws. These were enforced, as Codes of behavior.

What YOU would prefer or desire becomes that shoulda, woulda, coulda.

Yes, it would be preferable to have a better, more realistic set of 'moral rules of behavior'. To have a better philosophy for mankind to aspire, to follow.....to.

Here comes the 'but'!

Good luck in bringing about a new and improved religion or Code of Living.

The present religions are solidly entrenched. It would be 'easier' to build off of those, to reform JC teachings, rather than to create a new one from scratch.

The interim period is always the worrisome time period. Going from established religions to no religions, then to a New Era one.
Wishful thinking, methinks.

FYI, I am not a member of any religion.

I do believe in a Creator, or (One, God Head). 'All that is', fits under THIS umbrella.

I know, I know....what about Leprechauns?
Do they exist? I fear to say otherwise!!



THRD- transmitted by a friend.

Moved content to post at top of page

. . . I felt like I owed sex to them for giving this attention”

I'm not getting the connection. Wouldn't they just hug dad and do something nice for him? How does that translate to sex with their boyfriend?

I identify with this part. My father was an alcoholic and my mom was mentally ill, so she'd start in on her raging, the two of them would fight, my dad would leave and be at the bar all night, she'd be angry and take it out on us kids and beat us, and after I went to bed dad would stumble home from the bar. He didn't care if we were screamed at for hours or hurt. He didn't want to be so he left, and that left us kids to bear the brunt of a mentally ill mother.

Soooo...when I went to college, my very first college "party" was in the dorm, and I got literally black-out drunk (I wasn't used to drinking), and when I "came-to" a guy I didn't know was on top of me finishing. After he was done, he just zipped up and left--didn't say anything--just walked out of the room. This pretty much blew my mind because even though I wasn't a perfectly good girl in HS (I had a bf and we made out and even did some experimental type things in the back seat)...I wasn't promiscuous by a LONG SHOT. After I was raped, in a way I just kind of gave up, because I thought: "Well there's no point now." I still didn't sleep around, but mainly that was because no one like me back...I was that girl everyone would talk to about the crush they had on my roommate or the girl who'd play poker with the guys, you know? I did fall in love with one of my dorm-mates though, and we did sleep together.

Then along came my first husband. I was living in my own apartment and he was the security guard for my complex. He asked ME out and like the ladies in this study, he paid me attention so I felt like I owed him sex. And like the ladies, I married the first guy who would have me...I had no self-esteem whatsoever, so it seemed to me like he'd be the best I could do.

The point being that my dad was and still is a charming man (to his buddies at the bar and on a surface, casual level), but as a father, he still doesn't pay any attention to me whatsoever. I don't think we've spoken in years...he doesn't make any effort to talk to me at all. So before I went to counseling and learned of my own self-worth and value, I did crave male attention AND if a male gave me attention, I figured the price of attention was sex.

I did not read this article. But I wanted to talk about my specific experience and how it affects my sexual relationships. Obviously I was taught to wait till marriage to have sex, which I did with my exH. But what my church/religion taught us was... only you can sexually fulfill/please your spouse. And sex is super important. I hesitate to say it’s our job but it kind of is our job to make our spouses sexually happy. Of course there are always limits to this.

My church has done lots of talks on marriage and basically they put it like this... we’re suppose to love everyone, but your spouse is an extra special person that you chose and give them extra love, extra kindness, extra forgiveness etc. basically we should be treating our significant other extra special for life.

I guess my point is that my religion has taught me to be selfless and to try to be a blessing to my spouse.
It has not causes me to feel guilty (except when viewing porn and other sinful things). It has not given me a poor body image, or caused me to feel shame in anyway.

You haven't connected the two. You have connected being black out drunk with the likelihood of some ****ing ******* raping... basically like having sex with a corpse. ****ing dirty rotten bastard. I hope he gets his comeuppins. Sorry, I got angry with your rapist.

But, I'd be pissed at dad. I'd assume any guy would not give a damn about me. I surely wouldn't want to give myself to them with that in mind. This personal experience would back being a lesbian. I don't see the connection to giving a decent guy more than a dozen chocolate chip cookies you baked. Hope that makes sense.

.

Truth be told, I don't know my rapist's name. I don't really remember much about him. It was kind of fuzzy at the time, and I remember clearly the sound of the zipping, but I didn't have the brains to look at his face clearly. But it's in the past, like almost 40 years ago. So I appreciate you're getting mad on my behalf.

The connection of "lack of male attention" to sex is that if you don't get much male attention as a child (I didn't), then you CRAVE some kind of male attention. Then when you get older, and lawd help me but I have bodacious tatas, you realize that one way to GET male attention is via sexuality. See that connection there? Now, church says sex=bad, wait to marriage, etc. but to get what you crave (male attention) you use what ya got...and then feel guilty about it.

Yeah that makes sense! I suspect lots of people go that way. I will admit that for YEARS I wondered what the heck was wrong with me that my own parents didn't love me! I mean, that **** is esteem demolishing! But for me, rather than thinking, "No male is gonna give a damn about me, so I'm batting for the other team" what I did think was that I am not worth giving a damn ABOUT (maybe even by me). I was not comfortable being female because feminine girls are just cheap and fake ... and I honestly was not cheap. So I was a tomboy type, and I did not have a lot of love interests except another girl in my dorm. It took me to about 30yo to realize that I could be female and be feminine and still have some value and be comfortable with who I was and how I was.

Now, I had a very good HS bf--we were friends as kids in Sunday School--and we agreed that instead of doing all that "in love" drama, we'd just go together and do what teenagers do. It was a good relationship built on friendship. Next in college, I learned that I am attracted to the person's heart and who they are...not their gender. I married the first man who showed me attention, and he was abusive...so I learned that I had self-worth and value (via years of therapy and support groups). I married Dear Hubby, and he was a very good man...so I learned that there can be kind, loving men in the world and that it can last over the years. And THEN I met Beloved Hubby and all my life's lessons were made for that day.