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post #1 of 7 (permalink) Old 07-24-2019, 12:51 AM Thread Starter
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Feeling confused

I need some advice. I’m sorry if this is long. I’ve been married for almost 13 years, together for 15. We have two kids, 10 and 6. It has been a very rough marriage for most of the time. There were actually things that happened before we got married, some red flags I didn’t see until years later. A few years into the marriage, I noticed he was always in a bad mood. Griping about everything. My kids and I walked on eggshells just trying to keep the peace. My daughter told my mom that all her daddy does is yell. They didn’t want me to tell him anything that happened or things they did wrong because he would yell at them for everything. I couldn’t voice my opinions about anything or stand up for myself because it just ended up in a knock-down, drag out fight. He’d yell and cuss. It was easier to just keep my mouth shut and let him have his way. When we would fight, he wanted to win. To prove me wrong by any means possible. I always remembered situations incorrectly and he was always right. l give a few examples of things that happened with us. We’d been holding our freezer door shut for almost a year with a child lock because it wouldn’t stay shut. Fridge food was freezing and freezer food was thawing constantly. We had to replace the child lock every 3-4 weeks because it would break. I finally asked for a new $1200 fridge and was told we couldn’t afford it. Then, a week later, he told me he wanted a $1300 gun. I reminded him that he said we couldn’t afford a new fridge and he got mad and started a huge fight. He bought the gun, then told me we could get the new fridge. Like we could afford both. I put an $80 mug that he got me for Christmas in my desk at work, because I didn’t have a locking cabinet and didn’t want to take it in the bathroom. Yuck. It got stolen and he yelled at me and told me it was all my fault and how pissed he was that I let it get stolen. I wanted to get a new used car because my 9 year old car had cost us almost $6,000 in repairs for head gaskets ($2800 two separate times), transmission went out at 65,000 miles, it flooded through the sunroof drains every time it rained which shorted out my fuse box twice, kept overheating with my kids in the car and causing me to have to pull over, etc. I asked to trade it in and was looking for used cars around $17,000. He told me we didn’t need to get a different car and told me I was acting like a spoiled brat. He freaked out and started yelling and cleaning the house one night, which was the only time he cleaned about once a month. I was cooking dinner and washing dishes, after working full time. He told me that he was embarrassed about how the house looked, as always. I started crying and said I couldn’t work full time, do everything for the kids, and keep it clean all by myself. He said, “Why not? Single moms do it all the time.” After telling him that the waitress at our usual restaurant charged us for an extra 2 drinks, he asked, in front of her and our kids, if I was sure I wasn’t wrong because she didn’t usually make those kinds of mistakes and was I sure I didn’t have more than I thought and that she wouldn’t make that kind of mistake. She wouldn’t make that mistake, but the wife and mother of your children is more likely to be wrong than the waitress?! He always talked bad about my parents and the rest of my family. How stupid their decisions were, how he didn’t want to hang around them, etc. The list goes on, and on, and on. I was ready to leave. I was done. I’d been asking for a year and a half to go to marriage counseling. He wouldn’t. He realized I was going to leave him. Now all of a sudden he wanted to get help, like that day. He was frantically trying to get an appointment with a therapist. He was told he needed individual therapy. He went and almost immediately started acting nicer, helping around the house, etc. He would get frustrated when I didn’t start responding right away. I’d been treated like crap for over 9 years. I just felt nothing. I was emotionally numb. Anyway, it’s been almost 2 years later, he’s quit helping around the house as much, quit doing as much for the kids, and is in a bad mood a lot, again. I still feel nothing, like I just don’t care. We haven’t had sex in over three years (the first 1 1/2 years was him turning me down and the past two has been because I don’t feel any desire to), we don’t hold hands, kiss, etc. He’s tried the past 2 years, but I just don’t feel comfortable with it. It feels awkward, like kissing my brother. My daughter has started has started telling my mom that all her dad does is yell, how she wished he would move in with husband newly divorced friend, that she doesn’t know why he even bothers coming home because he’s always mad, etc. Am I just being stubborn by not being able to “just get over it”, as he stated? Did too much happen before he decided to help and I was already done for good? What is wrong with me. He became everything I’d wanted for over 9 years and it just didn’t seem to matter anymore. I struggle with my emotions and conflicted feelings on a daily basis. I don’t feel anything for him, but I don’t want to leave and mess my kids up. Can my marriage be saved? Do I want to save it? Ugh! I’m so confused! I need help, advice, something. Again, sorry it’s so long!

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post #2 of 7 (permalink) Old 07-24-2019, 01:57 AM
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Re: Feeling confused

Quote:
Originally Posted by wife101 View Post
I need some advice. Iím sorry if this is long. Iíve been married for almost 13 years, together for 15. We have two kids, 10 and 6. It has been a very rough marriage for most of the time. There were actually things that happened before we got married, some red flags I didnít see until years later.

A few years into the marriage, I noticed he was always in a bad mood. Griping about everything. My kids and I walked on eggshells just trying to keep the peace. My daughter told my mom that all her daddy does is yell. They didnít want me to tell him anything that happened or things they did wrong because he would yell at them for everything. I couldnít voice my opinions about anything or stand up for myself because it just ended up in a knock-down, drag out fight. Heíd yell and cuss. It was easier to just keep my mouth shut and let him have his way.

When we would fight, he wanted to win. To prove me wrong by any means possible. I always remembered situations incorrectly and he was always right.

l give a few examples of things that happened with us. Weíd been holding our freezer door shut for almost a year with a child lock because it wouldnít stay shut. Fridge food was freezing and freezer food was thawing constantly. We had to replace the child lock every 3-4 weeks because it would break. I finally asked for a new $1200 fridge and was told we couldnít afford it. Then, a week later, he told me he wanted a $1300 gun. I reminded him that he said we couldnít afford a new fridge and he got mad and started a huge fight. He bought the gun, then told me we could get the new fridge. Like we could afford both.

I put an $80 mug that he got me for Christmas in my desk at work, because I didnít have a locking cabinet and didnít want to take it in the bathroom. Yuck. It got stolen and he yelled at me and told me it was all my fault and how pissed he was that I let it get stolen. I wanted to get a new used car because my 9 year old car had cost us almost $6,000 in repairs for head gaskets ($2800 two separate times), transmission went out at 65,000 miles, it flooded through the sunroof drains every time it rained which shorted out my fuse box twice, kept overheating with my kids in the car and causing me to have to pull over, etc. I asked to trade it in and was looking for used cars around $17,000. He told me we didnít need to get a different car and told me I was acting like a spoiled brat. He freaked out and started yelling and cleaning the house one night, which was the only time he cleaned about once a month. I was cooking dinner and washing dishes, after working full time.

He told me that he was embarrassed about how the house looked, as always. I started crying and said I couldnít work full time, do everything for the kids, and keep it clean all by myself. He said, ďWhy not? Single moms do it all the time.Ē

After telling him that the waitress at our usual restaurant charged us for an extra 2 drinks, he asked, in front of her and our kids, if I was sure I wasnít wrong because she didnít usually make those kinds of mistakes and was I sure I didnít have more than I thought and that she wouldnít make that kind of mistake. She wouldnít make that mistake, but the wife and mother of your children is more likely to be wrong than the waitress?!

He always talked bad about my parents and the rest of my family. How stupid their decisions were, how he didnít want to hang around them, etc. The list goes on, and on, and on.

I was ready to leave. I was done. Iíd been asking for a year and a half to go to marriage counseling. He wouldnít. He realized I was going to leave him. Now all of a sudden he wanted to get help, like that day. He was frantically trying to get an appointment with a therapist. He was told he needed individual therapy. He went and almost immediately started acting nicer, helping around the house, etc. He would get frustrated when I didnít start responding right away. Iíd been treated like crap for over 9 years. I just felt nothing. I was emotionally numb.

Anyway, itís been almost 2 years later, heís quit helping around the house as much, quit doing as much for the kids, and is in a bad mood a lot, again. I still feel nothing, like I just donít care. We havenít had sex in over three years (the first 1 1/2 years was him turning me down and the past two has been because I donít feel any desire to), we donít hold hands, kiss, etc. Heís tried the past 2 years, but I just donít feel comfortable with it. It feels awkward, like kissing my brother.

My daughter has started has started telling my mom that all her dad does is yell, how she wished he would move in with husband newly divorced friend, that she doesnít know why he even bothers coming home because heís always mad, etc.

Am I just being stubborn by not being able to ďjust get over itĒ, as he stated? Did too much happen before he decided to help and I was already done for good? What is wrong with me.

He became everything Iíd wanted for over 9 years and it just didnít seem to matter anymore.

I struggle with my emotions and conflicted feelings on a daily basis. I donít feel anything for him, but I donít want to leave and mess my kids up. Can my marriage be saved? Do I want to save it? Ugh! Iím so confused! I need help, advice, something. Again, sorry itís so long!
How long was he "good" for after he started the therapy? Is he still in therapy?

No you are not just being stubborn, because the problem is NOW. Right NOW your daughter is saying all daddy does is yell. How can you "get over" what is currently happening? Even if he did become a great guy (which odds are .00000001% of ever happening) you may be so shell shocked by the emotional abuse you've taken for year that no, you couldn't get over it. And why would you want to? You could go be that SINGLE MOTHER he spoke about and have your house as dirty-but-happy as you want.

Also, if your children are living in a house where dad yells all the time and they are saying they'd rather live with your divorced friend, why do you think getting out of that horrible environment would "mess them up?" Sounds more like it might save them to me.

The only thin "wrong" with you is that you are living with an abusive, mean, selfish, insecure bully who is gaslighting you and making you feel crazy. You probably have PTSD from being exposed to him, and your daughter is probably very unhappy and feeling unstable in a home with him and this drama.

Hang in there. I'm sure more people will weigh in tomorrow with some really good advice.

PS - when typing, press the enter key on your computer or phone a couple times every few sentences so your text appears in paragraphs, it makes it much easier to read. People will resist reading really long one paragraph posts because they are hard to follow with your eyes.
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post #3 of 7 (permalink) Old 07-26-2019, 02:24 PM
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Re: Feeling confused

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Anyway, itís been almost 2 years later, heís quit helping around the house as much, quit doing as much for the kids, and is in a bad mood a lot, again. I still feel nothing, like I just donít care. We havenít had sex in over three years (the first 1 1/2 years was him turning me down and the past two has been because I donít feel any desire to), we donít hold hands, kiss, etc. Heís tried the past 2 years, but I just donít feel comfortable with it. It feels awkward, like kissing my brother. My daughter has started has started telling my mom that all her dad does is yell, how she wished he would move in with husband newly divorced friend, that she doesnít know why he even bothers coming home because heís always mad, etc. Am I just being stubborn by not being able to ďjust get over itĒ, as he stated? Did too much happen before he decided to help and I was already done for good? What is wrong with me. He became everything Iíd wanted for over 9 years and it just didnít seem to matter anymore. I struggle with my emotions and conflicted feelings on a daily basis. I donít feel anything for him, but I donít want to leave and mess my kids up. Can my marriage be saved? Do I want to save it? Ugh! Iím so confused! I need help, advice, something. Again, sorry itís so long!
This is because you are DONE. I am not sure why you think you are confused, because you arent. You are conflicted.. because what you want is no longer jiving with what you believe you are SUPPOSED to want or do. You dont want him any more, sexually or emotionally. And no wonder! He's horrible! I have been exactly where you are, with someone exactly like him, more than once even. You didnt respond to his "changes" because not only were you already done, but you knew deep down those changes were not real, that isnt who he really is. And he proved you right by going back to exactly how he was before.

Quote:
Originally Posted by WorkingWife View Post

No you are not just being stubborn, because the problem is NOW. Right NOW your daughter is saying all daddy does is yell. How can you "get over" what is currently happening? Even if he did become a great guy (which odds are .00000001% of ever happening) you may be so shell shocked by the emotional abuse you've taken for year that no, you couldn't get over it. And why would you want to? You could go be that SINGLE MOTHER he spoke about and have your house as dirty-but-happy as you want.

Also, if your children are living in a house where dad yells all the time and they are saying they'd rather live with your divorced friend, why do you think getting out of that horrible environment would "mess them up?" Sounds more like it might save them to me.
This! Your kids are not living in a happy or healthy home! You are being told by the most important people in your life that your situation sucks! Surely this is not the life you want for them. Surely this is not what you want them to think is normal when they are grown and going into their own relationships. This is what they know, this is how they think marriage works. Get them out!

Quote:
Originally Posted by WorkingWife View Post
The only thin "wrong" with you is that you are living with an abusive, mean, selfish, insecure bully who is gaslighting you and making you feel crazy. You probably have PTSD from being exposed to him, and your daughter is probably very unhappy and feeling unstable in a home with him and this drama.
Exactly this! You are being abused, and have been all along. Please snap yourself out of this "confusion" and get moving on getting away from this man. Is this where you want to be 10, 20 years from now?? Just picture that in your mind! Then picture being in a house with just you and your kids. Doesnt take rocket science to know which is the more healthy, peaceful scenario!

You can do it!

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.


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post #4 of 7 (permalink) Old 07-26-2019, 05:04 PM
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Re: Feeling confused

@wife101

Please watch the below video. I stumbled upon it last night and it was chilling how much it described how I felt and acted toward my ex (trying to make him happy, trying to get love, never able to...) -- And my ex sounds now where NEAR as bad as your husband. Does this remind you of your situation?

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post #5 of 7 (permalink) Old 07-26-2019, 07:11 PM
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Re: Feeling confused

The way you feel is perfectly normal. After being mistreated, bullied, disrespected, verbally/emotionally/mentally abused, there is no way I would want to be intimate with him ever again. I wouldn't even want to be nice to him or have to speak to him at all. I wouldn't want to have to look in his face ever again. I would cringe and be totally disgusted at JUST THE THOUGHT of him touching me. I would rather cut my own lips off than to kiss him or rip my arms from my body than to hug him. And I wouldn't do any of those of things because I wouldn't still be living with him.

Believe me, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you.

But let me tell you that children are very much affected when they have to live with someone like that. Take my word for this because my father was a mean old cuss to my mom and he often yelled at us kids too. But with my mom, he was also physically abusive. I was 11 years old when I decided the last time he attempted to hit her was going to be the VERY last time he ever attempted to hit her. I was so sick of him. I was so sick of him that I felt exactly the same way your daughter feels. I hated when he came home from work. And I don't know how to describe the dread I felt when I overheard him and my mom discussing his retirement. I was only 10 years old and couldn't believe he was going to retire and be home all day every day. I felt sick to my stomach. A year and half later, on Christmas Day I might add, he and my mom got into yet another incredibly ridiculous argument, and he began ominously backing her into a corner in the kitchen. He kept yelling while she tried to calm him down, and it was obvious he was hankering to hit her, but I wasn't having it. He was backing her into a corner, but I stayed right on his heels. I was begging him "Don't hit her, daddy! Please don't hit her!" But to myself I was saying "If you hit her, I'm going to hit YOU!" And so, when he raised his arm toward her, I jumped on his back and tried to choke the life out of him. He fell to his knees and when he fell, I landed on my feet behind him. Then my two older sisters jumped in. I heard my little sister screaming, so I grabbed her and my nephew and ran them upstairs and put them in a closet to hide and went back downstairs to find him crying and trying to push his knee back into socket. He kept saying my older sisters hit him and said he thinks I hit him too but wasn't sure. I didn't care what he thought. The only thing I cared about was that he wasn't going to ever hit my mother again. And he never did.

That is not something an 11 girl should ever have to do. That is no way for a child to have to think or feel. You think you are doing them some kind of favor, but "for the kids" is just an excuse to avoid having to live with better decisions. There are some abused women who stay because they don't want to face the responsibilities of life alone, so "for the kids" becomes their martyr cry. Ask yourself if that is you because you're not doing your children any favors. Your children are sick and tired of the situation they have to live with at home. They want - and deserve - a peaceful existence and home life. They DON'T deserve having to live in fear and walking on eggshells. This is what you are subjecting them to. He may be the mean one, but you're the one subjecting them to him. The mother who is truly a martyr would get her children out of that environment knowing that is what's actually best "for the kids."

Just to let you know, I was most affected in 2 ways: The first was that I became determined no man would ever mistreat me in any way whatsoever. I've only had two who tried, and they both still bear the physical scars of their own regret. The second way I was affected was to lose a little bit of respect for my mother. I hated that she tolerated him all those years. I hated that I had to live like that. She was a very good and strong woman in many respects, but this made her weak in my eyes.

For most kids though, the cycle of abuse repeats itself between generations because ordinarily, children learn what they live. Boys who live that kind of environment grow up thinking that is how men are supposed to treat women because that is what they see their only male role model doing, or they become apprehensive and tolerant because what they see is your apprehension and tolerance. Girls who live like that grow up thinking women are supposed to accept being mistreated because that is what they see their only role model doing, or they think it's okay to be abusive. It just happened to be that it affected me in the opposite way, but that is mostly rare and I don't know if it's ever mentioned in the research journals or discussed among sociologists or socio-economic professionals. I can't even say I've heard or read about it. All I have heard and read is "abuse is generational."

All you're doing is perpetuating the cycle and setting your children up to either be abusive or to tolerate being abused.
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post #6 of 7 (permalink) Old 07-27-2019, 01:13 PM
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Re: Feeling confused

I can relate to @StarFires post completely. My home life growing up was similar, except there was no physical abuse. I can also remember dreading my father coming home from work, and the general unhappy feeling in the house whenever he was home. He was so horrible to my mother. I wished for them to divorce for so many years, and when I was around 14 they finally did. I can remember promising myself that I would never let anyone treat me the way my dad treated my mom. When I managed to marry two different men who both ended up treating me very badly, I initiated divorce both times. I may have a ****ty picker but I donít stay when I get treated like crap. I am hoping for better for myself in the future, to find a real partner who respects me and will treat me as well as I treat him.

Your children deserve better.




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post #7 of 7 (permalink) Old 07-27-2019, 02:58 PM
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Re: Feeling confused

I wouldn't even want to go on a weekend fishing trip with the guys with him.

I'm not sure why you are feeling confused about not wanting to be married to and live with him.

So guys were never meant to have family and don't actually like having kids around or a mother who wants help with kids.

If he's employed enough to pay some child support, then there's really no reason you can't just pack up and live in peace on your own with your kids.

Since he doesn't want to have sex with you, I'm not sure what's in it for him to stay married. It doesn't sound like he likes having the kids around much and only sees you as a maid and someone that is supposed to keep the kids out of his hair.

It doesn't even sound like the kids want him around.

Offer him to let you and the kids go in peace in exchange for keeping the kids out of his hair and only asking for a minimal amount of child support required by law so no one starves or has to live with roaches and rats and offer him his freedom from the responsibilities of having a home and family.

You and the kids can live in peace and he can do whatever he wants without having to put up with all of you.

Tell him you'll only ask for minimal child support so that he can afford to have a maid come in a couple times a week if that is all he is interested in.
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