How important is sex when choosing a mate? Need serious advice - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 65 (permalink) Old 01-19-2016, 02:03 AM Thread Starter
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How important is sex when choosing a mate? Need serious advice

So I'm a divorced man but I'm currently engaged to the love of my life. She has all the qualities that I believe I want in a wife. She's 25, has no children, very family oriented, attractive, educated, and I believe she will be with me to the end. The issue I have with her is sex sucks. She is from a cultural background where the majority of the women do not give blow jobs. They think it's disgusting. She is the same nationality as my ex-wife so that part didn't bother me too much since I kind of knew what I was getting into. On top of this, sex with her is very mediocre and boring. I think she tries her best to please me but I'm always the one to initiate and she could easily go days or weeks without having sex. I will say that she doesn't deny me sex and she does mostly what I ask outside of anal and blowjobs. Still, I overlook those things. Again, it's more of a cultural thing rather than a personal one for her. I've brushed off the sexual issues simply because I felt like she would fulfill all the other aspects that I'm looking for in a wife.

Things changed recently when I met another woman. This woman is the same nationality of my fiance. The difference is that she is very in touch with her sexual side. If she told her friends what she enjoys in bed, she would definitely be considered an outcast. She enjoys all the sexual things I wish I could get and then some. This woman is a bit older at 27, has one son, and is also very attractive. I'm not considering sleeping with her or having a relationship with her but our conversations have left me confused. I'm sure this woman could satisfy me sexually although I don't know if she would be as good as a mate as my fiance. So how much weight should sex have when choosing a mate? I love my fiance but I find myself thinking about this other woman and what she could do. In my experience, sex is best before marriage. After that, it's all downhill from there. I'm thinking if sex with my fiance is already mediocre, it will flat out suck 10 years from now. I would then be living with a excellent woman while having a nonexistent sex life. I thought I could look over these sexual issues but this new woman has brought these issues to light. Again, I have not slept with this other woman and I don't plan to. she just has me rethinking my relationship with my fiance and I'm wondering if I should continue to overlook our mediocre sex life in return for a better marriage. I'm hoping someone with some life experience on these issues can give some advice.
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post #2 of 65 (permalink) Old 01-19-2016, 02:15 AM
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Re: How important is sex when choosing a mate? Need serious advice

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I'm hoping someone with some life experience on these issues can give some advice.
Three women, all of the same exotic nationality? You would appear to have a type.

You ask how important sex is in a marriage. Well, it is obviously important to you, or else you wouldn't be here asking about it. You basically have two choices: You can marry your fiancée in the hopes that either she will change or you will come to accept her shortcomings. Or, you can dump her and marry this new girl who will fulfill all your wildest sexual dreams.

Honestly, I don't know what to advise. If you go through with marrying your fiancée, you will become increasingly frustrated with her as you try to change her (which you will never be able to do) or as you try to accept terrible sex (which you will never be happy with). Marry this other girl, though, and the sex could easily fizzle out as well, and then you'll be stuck married to a girl with whom you're not nearly so compatible with as a life partner.

Why did your and your first wife divorce? Also, if you're not considering sleeping with this new girl, then why in the world are you having conversations with her of a sexual nature?

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post #3 of 65 (permalink) Old 01-19-2016, 02:29 AM
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Re: How important is sex when choosing a mate? Need serious advice

In my opinion, sex in a marriage is much, much better for a variety of reasons. You are I'll advised if you're told otherwise. If you ask, I'll enumerate.

Yes, it's a big deal.

Should you marry this woman if you think ANYONE else might do? Not a chance. Nationality, from what I've seen hasn't got a lot to do with sex, but I'm not overly experienced with every race or whatever.

If she can do without sex for weeks, she is LD and definitely that would be a deal breaker for me. Multiple times a day is not too much for some women.

You're adding up the numbers with your gf. When you find the right one, the only numbers you'll be adding up are how many more days you think you can stand to go without marrying her.

My suggestion: keep looking, or you may just not be ready or even right for marriage. Not everyone is.
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post #4 of 65 (permalink) Old 01-19-2016, 02:31 AM
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Re: How important is sex when choosing a mate? Need serious advice

If there's anything I've learn is you need to be in a relationship where you are at least relatively the same ground sexually in terms of frequency and variety. If you aren't, someone will eventually feel rejected or pressured and resentment will build. And no matter how good you think you might be at hiding it, you aren't. Nor should you be.

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-The key to a great marriage is making your spouses every want something you need to give them, and vice versa.
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post #5 of 65 (permalink) Old 01-19-2016, 02:50 AM Thread Starter
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Re: How important is sex when choosing a mate? Need serious advice

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Three women, all of the same exotic nationality? You would appear to have a type.

You ask how important sex is in a marriage. Well, it is obviously important to you, or else you wouldn't be here asking about it. You basically have two choices: You can marry your fiancée in the hopes that either she will change or you will come to accept her shortcomings. Or, you can dump her and marry this new girl who will fulfill all your wildest sexual dreams.

Honestly, I don't know what to advise. If you go through with marrying your fiancée, you will become increasingly frustrated with her as you try to change her (which you will never be able to do) or as you try to accept terrible sex (which you will never be happy with). Marry this other girl, though, and the sex could easily fizzle out as well, and then you'll be stuck married to a girl with whom you're not nearly so compatible with as a life partner.

Why did your and your first wife divorce? Also, if you're not considering sleeping with this new girl, then why in the world are you having conversations with her of a sexual nature?
Me and my first wife divorced because she cheated............twice. I couldn't take it anymore so I divorced her. You're right, I guess sex is important to me or else I wouldn't be here. In my mind, it seems rather shallow for me to say " XYZ was a nice girl but I didn't marry her since she didn't do bjs". I guess I'm trying not to seem shallow and overlook the horrible sex. Either way, it looks like I have a tough choice to make I guess.
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post #6 of 65 (permalink) Old 01-19-2016, 02:53 AM Thread Starter
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Re: How important is sex when choosing a mate? Need serious advice

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In my opinion, sex in a marriage is much, much better for a variety of reasons. You are I'll advised if you're told otherwise. If you ask, I'll enumerate.

Yes, it's a big deal.

Should you marry this woman if you think ANYONE else might do? Not a chance. Nationality, from what I've seen hasn't got a lot to do with sex, but I'm not overly experienced with every race or whatever.

If she can do without sex for weeks, she is LD and definitely that would be a deal breaker for me. Multiple times a day is not too much for some women.

You're adding up the numbers with your gf. When you find the right one, the only numbers you'll be adding up are how many more days you think you can stand to go without marrying her.

My suggestion: keep looking, or you may just not be ready or even right for marriage. Not everyone is.
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It hurts to read your last sentence because I've been thinking this. My fear is that I will call things off with my fiance and I will never find a woman that's as good as her. It hurts a lot but I like to play it safe so I think that unless something changes soon, I'll just have to settle with her.
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post #7 of 65 (permalink) Old 01-19-2016, 03:30 AM
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Re: How important is sex when choosing a mate? Need serious advice

It shouldn't be a tough choice. If she is great every other way, and you really love her, accept it and stay with her. On the other hand, it is going to be something you think about and that forbidden fruit will tempt you more and more and you'll wind up frustrated and cheat on her. I'm dealing with a similar situation and it wears on me. Best of luck in whatever you do.
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post #8 of 65 (permalink) Old 01-19-2016, 03:55 AM
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Re: How important is sex when choosing a mate? Need serious advice

Since sexual activity is a naturally recurring activity for a married couple, or in the very least, should be, it is a very important decision upon which to base a choice for a marital partner! Keep in mind that by asking her to marry you, you have in essence asked her to spend the duration of her life with you, preemptively until such time that one of you meets death. That's what marriage is all about ~ or should be!

For as long as she respects and loves you and chooses in her heart to "do" acceptable sexual things that are both pleasing to you and to her, that is really all that you can ask for!

On that light, sexual compatibility is a most important criteria in the choosing of a marital partner!

Given that, the last woman you have seen seems to more than meet this most important criteria the most! But the greatest criteria of all is that, in your heart, you truly love her and that she truly loves you! If that happens, in the vast majority of cases, loving acts of mutual sex will usually take care of itself!

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post #9 of 65 (permalink) Old 01-19-2016, 05:43 AM
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Re: How important is sex when choosing a mate? Need serious advice

The answer to your question is: sex is as important in choosing a mate as sex itself is to you.

In other words, if you didn't care about sex, then it wouldn't matter in choosing a mate. Of course, if it mattered to your potential mate, then it would still matter in the relationship, but we're talking about what matters to you.

As for me, because sex is quite important to me, I would never marry anyone with whom the sex wasn't good.

Note to any potential haters: no, I wouldn't divorce my wife if there was some physical problem that kept us from having sex. But we're discussing deciding to marry, not what happens after getting married.

Always remember the LD motto: "Sex isn't important!!!"
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post #10 of 65 (permalink) Old 01-19-2016, 07:31 AM
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Re: How important is sex when choosing a mate? Need serious advice

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Originally Posted by lawdawg View Post
It hurts to read your last sentence because I've been thinking this. My fear is that I will call things off with my fiance and I will never find a woman that's as good as her. It hurts a lot but I like to play it safe so I think that unless something changes soon, I'll just have to settle with her.
I think you may have just answered your own question here...

Never settle for somebody.

It's obviously a big enough issue, pre-marriage, that you're coming here asking for advice. It's obviously important to you.

My advice - you need to talk with your fiancee about your sex life. Not what you want her to do, per se, but simply that it's important to you and that you have long-term concerns about your compatibility with each other.

You will learn volumes by how she handles a conversation of that sort.

So, if I read correctly, it's not that she won't do oral or anal, it's that she's relatively passive in bed, as well as not being outwardly sexual in general. It's not the amount of sex, nor even the quality of sex you're concerned about.

What it appears to be is that she shows no sexual desire for you, whereas this other woman, apparently, would. It also seems as though, according to you, it's a cultural thing, in that women are likely taught to be somewhat submissive, perhaps? As in, don't turn your husband down, but wait for him to come to you, etc.

To be blunt, that kind of attitude is no fun (trust me...). What you want is to be desired, and to not be the only one who shows any interest in sex. Never turning you down, and otherwise doing everything in bed that you ask (minus oral and anal) is not what you want.

You see this other woman who is not like that, and it's understandable. And now you're questioning the whole thing.

But again, you used the word "settle", so you've answered your own question, IMO.
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post #11 of 65 (permalink) Old 01-19-2016, 08:00 AM
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Re: How important is sex when choosing a mate? Need serious advice

Sex is, for most people, the one and only thing you do with your SO that you do not do with anyone else in the world. Sexual compatibility is extremely important! If you are not happy now with your sex life, it will only get worse. My suggestion to you is to have a frank discussion with your fiance about your expectations. She may be waiting for you take the lead down the road of exploration or she may shut down. Either way you will have an answer.
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post #12 of 65 (permalink) Old 01-19-2016, 08:55 AM
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Re: How important is sex when choosing a mate? Need serious advice

You should communicate these things as deal breakers to the girl you are with and see if her culteral aversion to sex is more important than her desire to be with you.
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post #13 of 65 (permalink) Old 01-19-2016, 08:59 AM
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Re: How important is sex when choosing a mate? Need serious advice

Woman here. My advice for you? No BJs, no marriage.

I'm not saying that EVERY woman has to give BJs. But since they are important to you, YOUR wife should be someone who is happy to give them.

Keep looking.

P.S. Why are you having conversations of a sexual nature with the 27-year-old woman? Is she telling you explicitly what she likes in bed? If so, those kinds of conversations seem out of bounds since you are already engaged.

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post #14 of 65 (permalink) Old 01-19-2016, 09:03 AM
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Your sex life is more than blow jobs.
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post #15 of 65 (permalink) Old 01-19-2016, 09:11 AM
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Re: How important is sex when choosing a mate? Need serious advice

Sexual mismatch destroyed my first marriage. Sexual compatibility is as important as everything else - perhaps moreso, since almost every other need in a relationship can be satisfied elsewhere through friendships. Someone highly compatible except for sex is at best a friend. I want someone who is also a lover, who wants to please me as much as I want to please her.

My advice: move on. You can do better, but if this is a cultural issue, you may need to find someone from a different culture than you've been dating, or someone of that ethnicity/nationality who grew up in a more liberal culture.

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

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