Declining oral sex after marriage - Page 16 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

User Tag List

 222Likes
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #226 of 246 (permalink) Old 05-15-2016, 11:54 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 2,179
Re: Declining oral sex after marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by Catherine602 View Post
If a female member poster a similarly insulting post about men, she would be castegated. You are appearently able to live this emotionally transient life, because sex is the most important thing in your life. You view women as interchangable sex objects not whole people.

I read this a lot to encourage men to D. Maybe I know only loser D men but I don't think they would agree with you.

I'm sure there is easy sex if you hang out at bars often enough to get lucky or a sure bet hire a prostitute/call girl or if they are really lucky, pick up a women who needs money and a place to live.

What you are saying is terrible and confirms the notion that men only care about sex. Words are powerful, women hear. There is a basis for a wife believing this about her husband.

We like to ignore that and blame the whole concept on women. There are apprearently some men who are this way and they are married at some point.

It is possible that sex problems in marriage are not about sex only and may be due to the man and woman. D will not solve relationship problems. Women can't be picked out like a pair of socks.

You have to relate to them like human beings and they don't just give because you want, you have to give as much.
Posted via Mobile Device
I totally agree with this post. If sex is your ONLY goal then why date at all!? Just hire a call girl or join a sex group and be done with the whole dating thing. I enjoy sex way more when I am emotionally attached to my partner. Yes, a ONS is okay, but it's rarely as fulfilling as sex with someone you are attached to emotionally.

Dating someone, then breaking up just so you can move to another partner is kind of cruel.

I am perfectly happy in marriage. I don't need new women every month to be happy. My wife is LD, but I am okay with that. We have had sex three days in a row now which is a record I think, but I'm not complaining. I'm going to go for four tonight!
TX-SC is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #227 of 246 (permalink) Old 05-15-2016, 12:44 PM
Member
 
Married but Happy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Reno, NV
Posts: 5,726
Re: Declining oral sex after marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by Diana7 View Post
So you think its better and more enjoyable to have sex with multiple partners than to be in a good marriage with someone you love dearly and who loves you? Wow. I couldnt disagree more, unless you think that life is just about getting loads of sex no matter who with. Most men I know who have been divorced and widowed were married again a year later, which goes to show that most men dont like being alone and like being married. Men are also happier healthier and live longer than unmarried men studies have shown, so clearly its not that good being single.
I'd much rather be in a good marriage than have multiple partners. However, if the sex is significantly lacking or mismatched, then IMO it's no longer a good marriage. I would leave a sexless marriage, because I KNOW I can do better and be much happier. In that case, I'd date - and have multiple partners over time - until I found someone who was both compatible in all important ways, including sexually. At this point, I might not marry again, but would happily have a LTR and would consider marriage if things continued to go well.

I'm fortunate in that my second marriage is fantastic in every way AND continues to include lots of wonderful sex even after 16 years - it IS possible to continue to have a great sex life, but it doesn't seem to be common in many/most marriages.

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

CELIBACY IS NOT HEREDITARY.
Married but Happy is online now  
post #228 of 246 (permalink) Old 05-15-2016, 03:06 PM
Member
 
Catherine602's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 6,360
Re: Declining oral sex after marriage

Leaving a marriage because of incompatibility is the right of any free human being. I doubt that dating and trying out different women is as easy as a Google search for a woman with the preferred bra size.

Finding and keeping a loving relationship is not a spectator sport and the man is not the only one doing the selection or rejection.

Are women really lined up and fighting to be first in line for a tryout by any man who fancies her?. I just can't understand where this comes from. Men claim to have more success than they actually have but this seems way out there.

If men bring the attitude That their wives are easily replaceable then they expect the wife to work to keep them happy. They don't need to do anything except work and come home.
Posted via Mobile Device

My magic wand would remove shame from sexuality for all! Anon Pink

Last edited by Catherine602; 05-15-2016 at 04:13 PM.
Catherine602 is offline  
post #229 of 246 (permalink) Old 05-15-2016, 06:34 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Midwest
Posts: 4,349
Re: Declining oral sex after marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by Catherine602 View Post
Leaving a marriage because of incompatibility is the right of any free human being. I doubt that dating and trying out different women is as easy as a Google search for a woman with the preferred bra size.

Finding and keeping a loving relationship is not a spectator sport and the man is not the only one doing the selection or rejection.

Are women really lined up and fighting to be first in line for a tryout by any man who fancies her?. I just can't understand where this comes from. Men claim to have more success than they actually have but this seems way out there.

If men bring the attitude That their wives are easily replaceable then they expect the wife to work to keep them happy. They don't need to do anything except work and come home.
Posted via Mobile Device
I've read other posts by PAPS18 and he doesn't seem like a guy that just expects his wife to service him (that doesn't mean that he comes off well here).

However, women losing interest in sex in longer relationships does look like it's a "thing". If the husband is doing the same things he used to do; if he still makes an effort to satisfy her needs; she may still lose enthusiasm for sex. This is simply because the newness of a relationship can be a large part of a woman's sexuality. It isn't a quid pro quo. She's not necessarily having sex less because she's "getting back at him"; she may just not want as much sex now as she used to. She's not trying to make her husband unhappy; she really doesn't spend much time thinking about his happiness one way or the other.

I'm sure that there is a female equivalent where the husband stops putting effort into doing things to make his wife happy that he did in the early days. If that happens do we tell the wife that if she starts putting out more then he'll be more inclined to stop watching sports in his underwear while drinking a six pack and start taking her out to romantic dinners?

Some people (men and women) are just givers. They just naturally care about their partner's happiness. It's who they are. The givers give; the takers take. Eventually the giver resents doing all the giving and none of the taking while the takers just keep obliviously watching the game in their underwear (or spending all their time on their cell phones). Takers don't function the same way givers do. They need to be given some motivation to change.

The husband who cares about his wife's happiness doesn't spend endless hours in front of the TV swilling beer and farting.

The answer is not for the givers to give more.

It's pointless to complain that takers only take.

The givers have to make sure that they don't give to much of themselves. They need to give the takers a reason to consider giving occasionally.
Buddy400 is offline  
post #230 of 246 (permalink) Old 05-15-2016, 07:41 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 525
Many relationships start out with great frequent sex and many if not most become less frequent as time marches on. Sex can still be great but may not be as frequent as one might want. If you are in an otherwise good marriage why would you leave in search of more frequent sex? While you may get it initially you may well end up in the same situation you left.
Okguy is offline  
post #231 of 246 (permalink) Old 05-15-2016, 11:54 PM
Member
 
Catherine602's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 6,360
Re: Declining oral sex after marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by Okguy View Post
Many relationships start out with great frequent sex and many if not most become less frequent as time marches on. Sex can still be great but may not be as frequent as one might want. If you are in an otherwise good marriage why would you leave in search of more frequent sex? While you may get it initially you may well end up in the same situation you left.
There are other things that should matter besides sex. There are other people in the relationship that need to be considered.

Are the odds high that a D man will get sex and bj on demand? Doesn't that mean that a wife is not worth anything because it's less trouble to live without her.
Posted via Mobile Device

My magic wand would remove shame from sexuality for all! Anon Pink
Catherine602 is offline  
post #232 of 246 (permalink) Old 05-16-2016, 12:21 AM
Member
 
Catherine602's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 6,360
Re: Declining oral sex after marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by Okguy View Post
Many relationships start out with great frequent sex and many if not most become less frequent as time marches on. Sex can still be great but may not be as frequent as one might want. If you are in an otherwise good marriage why would you leave in search of more frequent sex? While you may get it initially you may well end up in the same situation you left.
What works for us is that we make sure our lives don't become predictable and routine in general. We learn new things together. There is something about helping each other succeed.

We enrolled our children in only one activity in the summer. You avoid hrs in driving and busy work. Besides, although children are important members of the family they should not overindulge. We go on enriching trips with them instead and learn about nature and people.

It doesn't t take a lot of money to keep life from becoming mundane . Nature and parks are free, becoming an expert cook cost nothing, and decreasing the number of children's activities will save time and money.
Posted via Mobile Device

My magic wand would remove shame from sexuality for all! Anon Pink
Catherine602 is offline  
post #233 of 246 (permalink) Old 05-19-2016, 03:41 AM
Member
 
frusdil's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,671
Re: Declining oral sex after marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mclane View Post
The biggest obstacle to sex, especially sex that involves effort, is marriage.

It's not like this is any great news.

You want great sex and lots of BJs, then don't get married, it's that simple.

...

Marriage is a sex killer. There's no question about it. Now some may read this and shake their heads and think "marriage didn't damage my sex life" and I will nod and agree with you. Mine didn't either. There were other problems of course but sex wasn't one of them.

But we're in the minority.
Seriously?

I'm married, have great sex and will give my husband oral morning noon and night if he wants it. Marriage made our sex better if anything!
frusdil is offline  
post #234 of 246 (permalink) Old 05-19-2016, 08:44 AM
Banned
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 684
Re: Declining oral sex after marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by frusdil View Post
Seriously?

I'm married, have great sex and will give my husband oral morning noon and night if he wants it. Marriage made our sex better if anything!
Great! There are exceptions to every rule. My marriage was almost 20 years in duration and the sex including oral was great right up to and even during our divorce.

But many suffer. Especially over time.

How long you been married for?

By the way if things ever go south drop me a pm. Just kidding. Mostly.
Mclane is offline  
post #235 of 246 (permalink) Old 05-19-2016, 04:42 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: California
Posts: 3,439
Re: Declining oral sex after marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by Catherine602 View Post
If a female member poster a similarly insulting post about men, she would be castegated. You are appearently able to live this emotionally transient life, because sex is the most important thing in your life. You view women as interchangable sex objects not whole people.

I read this a lot to encourage men to D. Maybe I know only loser D men but I don't think they would agree with you.

I'm sure there is easy sex if you hang out at bars often enough to get lucky or a sure bet hire a prostitute/call girl or if they are really lucky, pick up a women who needs money and a place to live.

What you are saying is terrible and confirms the notion that men only care about sex. Words are powerful, women hear. There is a basis for a wife believing this about her husband.

We like to ignore that and blame the whole concept on women. There are apparently some men who are this way and they are married at some point.

It is possible that sex problems in marriage are not about sex only and may be due to the man and woman. D will not solve relationship problems. Women can't be picked out like a pair of socks.

You have to relate to them like human beings and they don't just give because you want, you have to give as much.
Posted via Mobile Device
To be fair, when men post such a post they are usually castigated by some, not all. When women post the equivalent, they are castigated by some, but not all. I have posted where is seems most of what I write is caveats and then told off for making a generalization.

While he may have written crudely, I did not get the impression that he was writing about women generally, but only some. There are plenty of manipulative people out there, men and women, who have to play games to make the world fit to their inner screw-ups.

Whoever is the least needy regarding any aspect of a relationship has the most power. In a healthy relationship, there is not power struggle, so this does not matter. When people are obsessed with their own weakness, it comes out. It might be that men try and control my dictating rules and financial control, women would perhaps use sex and their husbands need for that. This does not relate to men or women, but to people acting in such a manner.

I do not believe the post was intended in the way you read it (I could well be wrong). I tend to hesitate on giving advice on relationships with men as I have never had a relationship with a man. However, I am very wise on relationships with women as I have made loads and loads of stupid mistakes (irony fully intended). I think the post was coming from the same perspective.

Otherwise, we do have plenty of posters who believe that problems in relationships are always the fault of the other sex. We also have some men who believe that they can master relationships and control them so they always work, which is also a little unhealthy.
Mr The Other is offline  
post #236 of 246 (permalink) Old 05-19-2016, 04:50 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: California
Posts: 3,439
Re: Declining oral sex after marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by Diana7 View Post
So you think its better and more enjoyable to have sex with multiple partners than to be in a good marriage with someone you love dearly and who loves you? Wow. I couldnt disagree more, unless you think that life is just about getting loads of sex no matter who with. Most men I know who have been divorced and widowed were married again a year later, which goes to show that most men dont like being alone and like being married. Men are also happier healthier and live longer than unmarried men studies have shown, so clearly its not that good being single.
I was married. She is not a bad person, but she had her own things to work out which meant she not no interest or capacity or be concerned about me in the least. It was a lonely and miserable time. I am currently seeing people casually, but am started to feel really valued and loved in a way I have not felt for many years. From having sex every few months to more than once a day has helped in that, along with conversation, spending time together, being emotionally open and helping each other.

The studies are mixed. Married men are typically earning more and healthier. That could show that marriage is wonderful for them, or that jobless, unhealthy men are going to struggle to get married. It is probably a bit of both.

The healthiest men are often those that have been married and divorced. That could show that women are terrible, or reflect that men who got married are likely to have the income for it and be fairly healthy, then have less responsibility. I am visibly healthier than when I was married, I have far more time and money and can take the time to exercise and eat properly, which was not possible before, as well as being in a more emotionally healthy environment. That is not a typical of men, there are also plenty of women who are better off divorced.

For most people, a happy relationship with someone you deeply care about and someone who cares about you is the best way.

In the post you reply to, the last line does make me rise an eye-brow.

Last edited by Mr The Other; 05-19-2016 at 05:05 PM.
Mr The Other is offline  
post #237 of 246 (permalink) Old 05-19-2016, 04:56 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: California
Posts: 3,439
Re: Declining oral sex after marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by lifeistooshort View Post
Can you imagine a woman being told to dump her guy because he has some ED? Or his drive is down because he's working to pay bills?

Or even better, that she should dump him if he isn't able to financially bring to the table what he used to?

The poster you're addressing certainly doesn't view sex as a way of connecting to his wife, just as the most convenient hole.

Fortunately I think many men do not see it like that.
Posted via Mobile Device
I can imagine it. I can imagine both of those things. However, that is from very selfish people.

I can certainly imagine the advice being to dump a man who is not willing to provide financially, unless he gets his way, or if he thinks him providing would be exploitation. Clearly, such a man would be a terrible match and thankfully there are very few of them. Equally, there are some women, but thankfully few, who will withhold sexual affection unless they get their way or treat expectation of sexual intimacy as being a bit rapey. It is very rare, but manifestations of the same attitude.

In the case of the OP, if he resents giving oral sex he should not give it. If he wants to receive oral sex, he can be explicit in that, but little more. If it is a sign of some deeper problem, then look into it.

Again, I am not familiar with the writings of the poster to whom you reply, so I am sorry that I might well be missing context. Also to @Catherine602 @lifeistooshort @Diana7
Mr The Other is offline  
post #238 of 246 (permalink) Old 05-19-2016, 04:57 PM
Member
 
arbitrator's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Central Texas/Brazos Valley
Posts: 16,179
Re: Declining oral sex after marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by frusdil View Post
Seriously?

I'm married, have great sex and will give my husband oral morning noon and night if he wants it. Marriage made our sex better if anything!
frus: Regarding the apparent openness of loving sex within your marriage, well let's just say that regarding any possibility of a third marriage for Ol' Arb, that as a prerequisite for that to ever occur again, then "I'll have what you're having"!
Posted via Mobile Device

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story!
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
arbitrator is offline  
post #239 of 246 (permalink) Old 05-19-2016, 05:01 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: California
Posts: 3,439
Re: Declining oral sex after marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mclane View Post
The biggest obstacle to sex, especially sex that involves effort, is marriage.

It's not like this is any great news.

You want great sex and lots of BJs, then don't get married, it's that simple.

If you're already married and you're in the same position as the poor guy who started this thread, you have two options.

1- live with it and understand it aint never gonna change no matter how much you complain/threaten/work hard around the house/do other things to please her.

2- divorce her and get a girlfriend.

I know what I did. It wasn't for that reason but I can tell you from personal first hand experience that post divorce sex is readily available and there is a lot of enthusiasm out there in the world of single women who get more sexually active rather than less as they get older- and we're talking 40s and 50s here. I'll report back in another 7 years about how it is in the 60s but I have no reason to think it suddenly gets worse.

Marriage is a sex killer. There's no question about it. Now some may read this and shake their heads and think "marriage didn't damage my sex life" and I will nod and agree with you. Mine didn't either. There were other problems of course but sex wasn't one of them.

But we're in the minority.
Marriage can be a sex killer, but clearly it is not a direct link.

Once married, people can think they no longer have to make any effort. They have "made it" and that part of their life is done. For all I ridicule @MachoMcCoy, this is what he writes about men doing.

Sexual intimacy, good communication and sensitivity to your partners needs are part of a healthy relationship and neither are automatic, effort is needed (people who think they are naturally amazing at any of these are often amongst the worst).

There are plenty of people who make effort and have a partner who makes an effort and a great, fulfilling relationship generally results.
Mr The Other is offline  
post #240 of 246 (permalink) Old 05-20-2016, 08:31 AM
Member
 
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 98
Re: Declining oral sex after marriage

I believe I might have caused some anger with my post and if so my apologies. I think Mr The Other did a good job in summarizing my thoughts IF I were to be single again, see below. I don't agree with him that you can't have a good marriage without a match in the sex department-I think you can but certainly I believe the person that has to compromise or do without sex can become resentful-it takes a lot of positive thinking to sometimes get away from all the negative that can build up over time. Let me add, I have no intentions of being single again, I love my wife more than anyone in the world and our relationship is based on a lot more than sex. That being said, the sexual part of our relationship is frustrating and as thus, if I were single again and looking back on my marriage, I would be seeking someone that was more into sex and it would take a lot of thought and conversation for me to ever get married again.

I'd much rather be in a good marriage than have multiple partners.... In that case, I'd date - and have multiple partners over time - until I found someone who was both compatible in all important ways, including sexually. At this point, I might not marry again, but would happily have a LTR and would consider marriage if things continued to go well.
PAPS18 is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in










Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Lack of sex and intimacy Raveslave Sex in Marriage 18 03-10-2016 08:10 PM
How Important is Oral Sex to you... Lovemywife83 Sex in Marriage 55 03-10-2016 02:34 AM
Sex with my husband is ruining our marriage sheron Sex in Marriage 43 03-07-2016 11:48 PM
Oral sex (Lack of) ladyj1204 General Relationship Discussion 29 02-12-2016 06:30 AM
What to do? Ray83 Sex in Marriage 32 12-31-2015 10:44 AM

Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome