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post #31 of 48 (permalink) Old 06-17-2016, 12:33 PM Thread Starter
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Re: How to increase sexy?

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Originally Posted by LadybugMomma View Post
This is what worked for me. H and I have no children together, but I have three from my previous marriage. My ex avoided the stretched stomach area at all costs. My H touches, kisses and rubs my stomach often telling me this is where I carried my three children, that it's a part of me, it's a beautiful thing, he loves it and me.

I remember the very first time I got naked in front of H. I turned all the lights off and then took my clothes off. It was pitch dark in the room. All I heard was "are you serious, can I please turn the lights on and SEE you?" LOL I was reluctant, but I gave in. I'm glad I did. I've never felt good about myself. This man has changed that.
Exactly,
That's what I have been doing with my wife for 25 years.
Progress is very slow.
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post #32 of 48 (permalink) Old 06-17-2016, 12:36 PM
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Re: How to increase sexy?

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That's actually not a bad idea.
I think I get you now. Maybe going out shopping with her and buying some elegant, sophisticated clothes might bring her out of her shell, on her own.

The fact of the matter is, I don't know any 50 year old women that look better than my wife. I can see it plain as day, while she cannot. The clothes might help her.
UMP, I'm 44 years old. I, if at all possible, shop in the Jr's dept of all clothing stores. If you go from the Jr's section to the woman's section, there is a big difference in clothes. I don't buy the short shorts (although H wouldn't object) but rather more appropriate for my age, but trendy. It makes me feel better about myself. Maybe encourage her to look in that dept, if she doesn't already.
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post #33 of 48 (permalink) Old 06-17-2016, 02:01 PM
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Re: How to increase sexy?

This is a sticking point in my marriage.

Husband often tells me to do something sexy or will say that I'm not acting very sexy. It's a turn off and definitely does NOT make me feel like being sexy.

I understand where your wife is coming from. I don't feel naturally sexy, and when I try I just feel awkward, scrutinized, and clumsy.

It's just not me. I am a tom boy, I don't wear makeup, or own any jewelry. I was never super feminine, and he knew this the entire time. While I have no problems wearing lingerie, or keeping the lights on, etc. I don't feel like I extrude confidence or sexiness. I can't bat my eye lashes, or do a strip tease with a straight face. I have to ask for a lot of feedback when I'm controlling the positions and I get embarrassed if it doesn't seem to be turning him on.

The only thing I feel good at are blow jobs, and even those can be hard to do when my TMJ starts locking up and it gets painful.

I think my issues go back to when I was rejected a lot. I felt like I wasn't good enough, or sexy enough to be desirable. While things are a LOT better now. I still think that sometimes. I want to be different, I want to be sexy, I really do. But when he mentions that he wants me to be more sexy, or he says that I "just lay there." It really makes me feel exactly the opposite. One negative can offset many positives.

So I don't have the answers. But I can sympathize with your wife. Be patient with her, and gentle when/if you bring it up. Honestly I would avoid saying anything that makes her feel like she isn't good enough or not sexy, even if it's said in a nice way. Instead do what other people have suggested and just continue to encourage and compliment her. If you genuinely show her she is sexy to you, I think she will gradually feel more sexy to herself. It's not going to be an overnight change.

My LONG story:
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post #34 of 48 (permalink) Old 06-17-2016, 02:31 PM
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Re: How to increase sexy?

@UMP,

Your question "How to increase sexy?" is the equivalent of "How do I get my spouse to lose weight?" . The answer to both questions is you don't; they'll do it when they are ready to do it. All you can do is support them on their journey. My 2Cents.
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post #35 of 48 (permalink) Old 06-18-2016, 07:23 PM
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Re: How to increase sexy?

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Originally Posted by DellaStreet View Post
One thing that could make a woman feel insecure, is if she knows you look at porn a lot. Just about impossible for a woman to live up to those bodies and images.

Don't know if that applies to you or not, just a suggestion.
The porn thing is different for everyone. I don't have a problem if MrH watches it, I'm not jealous and I watch it too but neither of us watch it much these days.

UMP I know you don't consider it an issue but are you 100% positive that your Tue/Fri pre sex porn viewing is not a sexy killer? Got to say that even though I am HD and there is abundant sex here if he had to watch porn to get it up so he could have sex with me would decrease sex here to around about zero.

I tend to agree with whoever mentioned "classy" a woman of her age may well be more at ease with classy and elegant than sexy. IMHO you have set yourself up for failure with needing porn to be able to have sex with your wife, very counter intuitive.
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post #36 of 48 (permalink) Old 06-18-2016, 08:03 PM
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Re: How to increase sexy?

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Originally Posted by DellaStreet View Post
One thing that could make a woman feel insecure, is if she knows you look at porn a lot. Just about impossible for a woman to live up to those bodies and images.

Don't know if that applies to you or not, just a suggestion.
This 53 year old woman feels a rock hard erection is a hell of a lot more sexy than exactly how it got that way.

I guess once you deal with ED, as a woman and a wife, it's the results that are important, not the process. He can tell me how unbelievably sexy I am all day long but if we're wondering if ED is gonna appear tonight, porn, gymnastics, naked yoga...whatever works baby!

"Some women are blessed with multi-orgasmic ability for a reason and I'm damn sure not going to waste a blessing" ~FrenchFry

"Vaginas are tricky creatures." ~Lucy999
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post #37 of 48 (permalink) Old 06-18-2016, 08:29 PM
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Re: How to increase sexy?

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Originally Posted by DellaStreet View Post
I think that sounds so sad. But if you are okay with it, good for you.

But it's UMP's wife we're concerned with here. So, it's possible that it's not working for her?? I mean, she might say it's okay for UMP to watch porn so that he can get an erection. But in her heart, she knows she isn't what's turning him on. That can be very painful emotionally.
Not likely considering UMP's wife has given him a blow job while he was watching porn.

I don't know how old you are or if your man has ever had ED, but one thing you learn when your man has ED is that the relative sexiness of the woman in bed with him has little to no bearing on getting that erection.

Your next question no doubt is, "well if porn can help him get an erection why not with you?" And that would be a logical question. Unfortunately, penises are not logical body parts.

One time my H and I made a video together, then had great sex. Later on I was playing some game on my iPad while my H had started to watch the movie we just made, which got him hard again and we had sex a second time that night. The last time we had sex twice in one night was....never. It wasn't me that got him hard again, it was the porn. It was the extreme novelty of watching his wife in a porno staring his penis. I could have done all of those things to him that he saw in the porno we made, but it wouldn't have gotten him hard less than an hour later. It was the porn. The visual, the uniqueness.

"Some women are blessed with multi-orgasmic ability for a reason and I'm damn sure not going to waste a blessing" ~FrenchFry

"Vaginas are tricky creatures." ~Lucy999
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post #38 of 48 (permalink) Old 06-20-2016, 10:45 AM Thread Starter
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Re: How to increase sexy?

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Originally Posted by MrsHolland View Post
The porn thing is different for everyone. I don't have a problem if MrH watches it, I'm not jealous and I watch it too but neither of us watch it much these days.

UMP I know you don't consider it an issue but are you 100% positive that your Tue/Fri pre sex porn viewing is not a sexy killer? Got to say that even though I am HD and there is abundant sex here if he had to watch porn to get it up so he could have sex with me would decrease sex here to around about zero.

I tend to agree with whoever mentioned "classy" a woman of her age may well be more at ease with classy and elegant than sexy. IMHO you have set yourself up for failure with needing porn to be able to have sex with your wife, very counter intuitive.
I appreciate your view on this.
I guess my wife thinks more like Anon Pink. She more interested in what is offered up vs. how I concocted the meal.
My goal is to walk into that bedroom door like a raging bull.
Keep in mind that I am 54 and am on much medication due to my heart disease, including Viagra.
Also remember, I do not masturbate to conclusion. I always save that for my wife. The porn not only wakes up my penis, but it wakes up my mind. My wife seems to like the result.

How many people do you know that are having the best sex of their lives 25 years into their marriage? That's us.
However, every time I try to make it better than the last time.
Sometimes I succeed, and sometimes I fail. However, the trend has been up.
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post #39 of 48 (permalink) Old 06-20-2016, 03:15 PM
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Re: How to increase sexy?

Quote:
Originally Posted by UMP View Post
My goal is to walk into that bedroom door like a raging bull.
Keep in mind that I am 54 and am on much medication due to my heart disease, including Viagra.
Also remember, I do not masturbate to conclusion. I always save that for my wife. The porn not only wakes up my penis, but it wakes up my mind. My wife seems to like the result.
I would argue that by using porn you are pleasing yourself and taking away the opportunities for your wife to be sexy. I'm not saying porn is bad, but stop for a moment and think...

In life it is often much easier to please others than to allow them to please us. This is often summed up in the notion that "it is better to give than to receive." While it may seem like using porn and viagra to ramp up your physical receptiveness for sex is an ethical thing to do, by doing so you are taking away all the natural queues that would lead up to sex outside the bedroom. Or in other words the natural queues that would lend towards your wife understanding how to be sexy for you. You in essence you not allowing her to give to you. It is like she is sitting in a room full of roses you have given to her, but it is YOU that never lets her give you a gift which perhaps makes her feel awkward.

Do this... tell her you are going to refrain from porn as an experiment and focus solely on her as the object of your affection for a short period of time. ...tell her you are going to forgo viagra and allow yourself to respond naturally. ...tell her deep down it is likely you that lacks the confidence to still feel loved if you are unable to perform for her. ...ask her how she would feel if you tried this experiment as a way to continue improving the quality of your intimacy together.

Of course perhaps sneak in a little porn here and there to see compare how you are responding.

...at the end of the day, being honest is sexy too! This could help her learn to be more sexy for you! When it comes to sex, giving is not always better than receiving. Sharing is way better than giving or receiving. This includes sharing the parts of us that we may feel are less than desirable.

I GOT IT! Try for at least one week as an experiment to allow her to decide when/what/if you watch any porn, and hand her your bottle of little blue pills. Imagine how sexy it would be for HER to hand you one! Imagine how sexy it would be if she wanted to make love to you without those things even if it were challenging.

Cheers,
Badsanta
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post #40 of 48 (permalink) Old 06-20-2016, 03:27 PM
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Re: How to increase sexy?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Anon Pink View Post
This 53 year old woman feels a rock hard erection is a hell of a lot more sexy than exactly how it got that way.

I guess once you deal with ED, as a woman and a wife, it's the results that are important, not the process. He can tell me how unbelievably sexy I am all day long but if we're wondering if ED is gonna appear tonight, porn, gymnastics, naked yoga...whatever works baby!
Question @Anon Pink?

Let us say as a wife were NOT given the option to help your husband deal with ED. Let's assume he took that burden completely onto his own shoulders and would NOT share it with you. He gets over it all on his own and comes running into the bedroom like a raging bull, but you have little or no say so regarding how he goes about that.

Would that change how you see your husband's rock hard erection? Are you OK if he still wants to make love without one?

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post #41 of 48 (permalink) Old 06-20-2016, 05:16 PM
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Re: How to increase sexy?

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Originally Posted by badsanta View Post
Question @Anon Pink?

Let us say as a wife were NOT given the option to help your husband deal with ED. Let's assume he took that burden completely onto his own shoulders and would NOT share it with you. He gets over it all on his own and comes running into the bedroom like a raging bull, but you have little or no say so regarding how he goes about that.

Would that change how you see your husband's rock hard erection? Are you OK if he still wants to make love without one?

Badsanta

Okay so from the perspective of the wife in your scenario, I only know that my husband sometimes has ED. Right?

He comes on to me with a raging boner. ....where's the problem?

Later on I discover he watches porn before we have sex and that's how he gets an erection so we can have sex. Since I have no problem with porn I have no problem with how he gets erect.


Second scenario, husband sometimes has ED. We begin to make love and when it's time for penetration his penis isn't cooperating. Right!

So penis is being a little d!ck and won't cooperate...we quickly move to plan B and pull out my fantastic Lilo vibrating dildo with a vibrating clit attachment and instead of have 1 or 2 more orgasms that intercourse would have provided I have about 5 more until I need to break for some water. ...again, not seeing a problem.

"Some women are blessed with multi-orgasmic ability for a reason and I'm damn sure not going to waste a blessing" ~FrenchFry

"Vaginas are tricky creatures." ~Lucy999
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post #42 of 48 (permalink) Old 06-20-2016, 05:34 PM
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Re: How to increase sexy?

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I am having great sex with my wife of 25 years. However, I have always wanted more sexiness from my wife. She has ALWAYS, from the day I met her thought she was not sexy in the least. All her sisters (4 of them) are all jealous of her and tell her she "doesn't have a sexy bone in her body." (think Cinderella)

She is a beautiful woman, but believes she is not sexy. I always give her compliments especially when we have sex.

No matter what, she has much difficulty believing it.

Is there anything I can do to get her to believe in herself?

Sexiness (IMO) comes from the soul. She definitely has the body to pull it off, but is all thumbs, in her mind.

For example. She will put on lingerie and then walk toward the bed cowering as if she is the ugliest woman on earth and should never wear such things.
When you try to encourage your W that she is sexy, how do you do it? You're not fat, no, you look good, why don't you ever wear lingerie? Yes, I think you are sexy...

If so, an approach that shows her she turns you on might be more convincing. (It sounds like she has low self esteem based on the pasta dish scenario too).

Something like "OMG, your a$$ looks so hot in those jeans!" or "Your eyes are so beautiful, I'm getting hard just looking at you."

sorry, I'm not a guy and my H doesn't seem to find me that sexy so my examples may not be the best, but what I would want is to hear words and get a reaction where I can FEEL that he is turned on by ME.

I know my husband thinks I am good looking and have a good body, and he tells me so. But I do not believe he finds me sexy, because I just don't feel that kind of passion coming from him. Of course if I try to do a strip tease or anything sexually aggressive he laughs and gets nervous like "what are you doing...! Stop that!" so I'm kind of screwed there.

But if you do find your wife sexy I would make comments about exactly what you find sexy that is unique to her, and not just when you want sex, but all the time. For example, most guys are turned on by breasts. Paying attention to her breasts during sex does not mean you find HER sexy. But if you said something about how hot her breasts look "in THAT bra when she leans over like THAT..." maybe that would get through to her.

Maybe there is something sexy about her voice, or laugh, or certain things she says/does.
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post #43 of 48 (permalink) Old 06-20-2016, 05:39 PM
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Re: How to increase sexy?

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Originally Posted by Anon Pink View Post
Okay so from the perspective of the wife in your scenario, I only know that my husband sometimes has ED. Right?

He comes on to me with a raging boner. ....where's the problem?


My own wife's answer to this question... If I were to come at her with a raging boner, I better be ready for it to explode! If it is not, then there is a problem!

If I were to have issues, she enjoys her vibe too as long as I am not trying to force myself afterwards.

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post #44 of 48 (permalink) Old 06-21-2016, 08:35 AM
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Re: How to increase sexy?

Lingerie doesn't really make me feel sexy to be honest. We do it for our partners. What makes me feel sexy regardless of how I am looking is 'kink'. Doing things with my husband that are novel and experimental makes me forget that I am no longer a gorgeous young, skinny thing and it is just about sex and sexuality. Doing the same things every time decreases my feelings of sexiness. Exploring and experimenting is way sexier than dressing up in lingerie (which from my point of view is a lazy way of demonstrating sexuality - we sometimes need to dig deeper).
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post #45 of 48 (permalink) Old 06-21-2016, 10:14 AM Thread Starter
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Re: How to increase sexy?

Quote:
Originally Posted by badsanta View Post
I would argue that by using porn you are pleasing yourself and taking away the opportunities for your wife to be sexy. I'm not saying porn is bad, but stop for a moment and think...

In life it is often much easier to please others than to allow them to please us. This is often summed up in the notion that "it is better to give than to receive." While it may seem like using porn and viagra to ramp up your physical receptiveness for sex is an ethical thing to do, by doing so you are taking away all the natural queues that would lead up to sex outside the bedroom. Or in other words the natural queues that would lend towards your wife understanding how to be sexy for you. You in essence you not allowing her to give to you. It is like she is sitting in a room full of roses you have given to her, but it is YOU that never lets her give you a gift which perhaps makes her feel awkward.

Do this... tell her you are going to refrain from porn as an experiment and focus solely on her as the object of your affection for a short period of time. ...tell her you are going to forgo viagra and allow yourself to respond naturally. ...tell her deep down it is likely you that lacks the confidence to still feel loved if you are unable to perform for her. ...ask her how she would feel if you tried this experiment as a way to continue improving the quality of your intimacy together.

Of course perhaps sneak in a little porn here and there to see compare how you are responding.

...at the end of the day, being honest is sexy too! This could help her learn to be more sexy for you! When it comes to sex, giving is not always better than receiving. Sharing is way better than giving or receiving. This includes sharing the parts of us that we may feel are less than desirable.

I GOT IT! Try for at least one week as an experiment to allow her to decide when/what/if you watch any porn, and hand her your bottle of little blue pills. Imagine how sexy it would be for HER to hand you one! Imagine how sexy it would be if she wanted to make love to you without those things even if it were challenging.

Cheers,
Badsanta
That is an interesting idea.
One problem with it. My wife is queen of responsive desire. If I show up limp and basically put all the onus on her to get me going, all I see is a bunch of needless pressure being put on both of us.

What my wife really, really likes is if I walk into a room, lock the door, rip her clothes off and devour her. This is what she finds most attractive. The more I throw her around, the better.
I find this very difficult to do without "help."
PLEASE remember that I am old and have heart disease.
That's a big ask.
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