I am reading this thread with extra attention as I have been/am going through something similar with my husband. He too is a great man - he is kind, is a loving husband, and a very involved and loving father and grandfather. He is my best friend and is totally devoted and loyal to me - to a fault. We have been married a long time and are in the empty nesters stage (most of the time - although they still tend to fly home with their own brood and stay (a little too long) now and then). Like the OP, I also love and adore my husband. Most people do - cause he is awesome in many ways.
Like the OP, I am struggling with our sex life right now too. I won't bore you with the long details of our marital sexual life, you can read them in my threads if you want to be bored to tears some night. Suffice it to say - I was a sexually repressed denier for almost 30 years. My husband just accepted it - and while he did what many husbands do who live in a sexual desert- kept trying to get sex as often as possible, accepted pity sex when offered, moped, pouted, masturbated as needed etc, etc - he never once discussed the situation head on with me the whole 30 years. But that is his way - he is very non-confrontational. In his words - he just assumed that most women were that way - and while not satisfied or truly happy - he just accepted it as his lot in life.
A little over 10 years ago - I had a sexual awakening because of some hormonal changes that made me really really horny all the time - not from anything he did or didn't do. During this time, I dealt with my repression issues and for about 8 to 10 years explored sex a lot with my husband. I drove the exploration and he was happy to go along for the very pleasurable ride. And what a ride it was. It was awesome! We had some major frustrating bumps in the road brought on by menopause and the natural aging process but got passed them because I researched and found solutions and answers to most of them. We were like newly weds - we flirted, sexted, teased, touched, kissed, made out - etc. several times a day. It was great. During this time - we also focused on our health, we exercised and followed a lower carb diet and lost weight and kept it under control. Again, I also was the driver of that boat I was the navigator and my husband rode along with me. This is a common pattern of his personality - in case you have not figured this out yet.
A couple of years ago, when we did a major remodel - which took almost a year (don't ask) - and at the same time had to deal with a very time consuming and emotionally stressful issue with one of our adult children, our eating healthy habits suffered, my husband quit exercising and let his weight spiral- he gained back all the weight he had lost plus added lot more - mostly around his middle and face. Somehow, I managed to keep my weight down by continuing to exercise and trying to eat mostly healthy the majority of the time.
During this time my sex drive started to wan because of the stress and I also was diagnosed with a health issue that I had to deal with. I just didn't have the energy to be the initiator. Plus - my husbands weight became an issue - which I admit was/is a major turn off for me and caused me to worry about his health. It also has had an effect on his sexual performance.
So gradually I quit steering the boat - and hubby did what he always does - stayed in the boat with me and let it float where ever it went. I stopped exploring and initiating and our sex life has gradually diminished - from daily, to 3 to 4 times a week, to twice a week, to once a week - to now about twice a month. Neither of us are happy with where we are now. My husband tries to have sex more often - but his initiating tactics - for whatever reason - have the reverse affect on me - they totally turn me off. He knows that, but continues the same tactics, for whatever reason - and wonders why they don't work! (slap my forehead with my hand)
I know I have built up resentment issues over having to drive the boat in a lot of areas of our marriage (not just the sexual area). Don't get me wrong - he is very happy and willing to help - all I have to do is suggest - i.e. tell him what to do - over and over. He is an intelligent man, he has a good career and is well respected and liked by his co-workers. But in our home - he seems to want to be submissive and let me be in control. Perhaps I have conditioned him to be this way. Like I said he avoids confrontation.
Anyways - somehow this short version is getting long.
Bottom line - I want my husband to take the lead in the bedroom at least some of the time. I would like him to make suggestions and try new things on his own - not just because I ask him too. I have given him all the books as I purchased them over the years and asked him to read them. He has read none of them to my knowledge. I suggest he try to be more dominant, he tries half heartidly a few things once or twice, but does not put much effort into it. I have told him the things that he does when he initiates that turns me off - but he still does them on a regular basis. Some of the problem is that these things turn him on. I am not sure how to handle that - when what he does turns him on - but does nothing for me but annoy me. ??? For example, He is a breast man and goes right for my breasts every time - kneeding them roughly with his hands. This gets him going. Since menopause - man handling my breasts does not feel good at all. I like my breasts - or more succinctly - my nipples played with gently and teasingly if they are lubricated AND I am aroused - and then more roughly when I am close to climax, but when not turned on - his grabbing them and kneeding them actually is a little painful. He knows this - has been told many times very directly - and sometimes not so nicely - yet he still does it!!!
I just purchased the two books suggested. I am not optimistic that he will read them either. Right now I am at the point of not caring - and feel like if he won't get into the drivers seat for awhile - then so be it. We will float wherever - even back to the sexual desert. But this time - its on him. I like sex and want to have it more - but a reactive desire has to have something to react to!
I love my husband and this is not a deal breaker in any way shape or form. It's a frustration - but one I will live with. We get along well most of the time - spend a lot of time together. He has a great sense of humor and makes me laugh. We have some fun hobbies we do together. So my glass is more than half full - and I do realize what a gem I have - even with the flaws. I am not perfect either and I am sure he can fill pages on my flaws and imperfections. So life goes on - just not much sex these days in that life.
I don't have much in the way of advice to the OP - but I can relate and I do feel your frustration! I hope you find some answers - and i will keep reading looking for some answers of my own. Good Luck!