Not thrilled with our sex life - Page 6 - Talk About Marriage
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post #76 of 99 (permalink) Old 05-25-2017, 06:23 PM
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Re: Not thrilled with our sex life

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Ok so we talked a bit last night. I was replying to another reply and I didn't see him over my shoulder, he read that he wasn't being dominate enough. He sat me down and made me talk to him. It was difficult, and I didn't open up like he wants me to, so shy about it, but we made some progress, he's going to read the book I bought, wants to try different things and says he will try to be more assertive. He says he's not sure he can, I've seen him get turned on when he has been assertive and saw my reaction. I'm thinking he's not going to have a lot of issue there. I think we just need to get more into my wants for him to understand, which is going to suck cause talking last night was not comfortable for me at all!


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I do a lot of things for Mary which don't turn me on, except in the fact it turns her on.

It's a gift I give her, to make her happy. And I revel in her enjoyment. My wife does things like that for me, such as the occasional blow job. I don't take her up on that gift very often, but when I do I don't fool myself into thinking she's getting off on giving me a blow job.

Mary told me once there's a reason they are called blow jobs. It's because they are real work!

She gives me massages often. I know that's mostly work for her, and a gift to me. I accept that.

The least I can do is make sure her needs are met, even if it isn't something that turns me on.

There are plenty of hours in the day for me to do anything for her, and then for me to enjoy whatever I enjoy. Mary sure never runs out of energy.
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post #77 of 99 (permalink) Old 05-25-2017, 08:22 PM
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Re: Not thrilled with our sex life

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Why is it that people must do things they hate?I would never expect my husband to do something that he didn't like. That would be just mean.
1. Porn doesn't involve others in the marriage. But we get it, according to you porn, fantasies, and non procreative sex are to be avoided. We get it.

2. No loving spouse would demand the other do something they hate. Her husband seems to love oral sex, he just doesn't like giving it. Seems he can get over his aversion when it involves his orgasm but not when it involves hers. I don't know about you but that doesn't seem very Christian to me.

3. Having a sexual hang up, or aversion to some specific sexual act, doesn't make for a very good marriage. Except in the unlikely event two prudes marry each other, then they can claim to have banging sex within the confines of their extreme limits.

Sex should be fun, explorative, and playful. If you have an aversion that prohibits any of those three, you should work on that.

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post #78 of 99 (permalink) Old 05-26-2017, 01:12 AM
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Re: Not thrilled with our sex life

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I don't recommend looking at porn, surely the imagination is better and it doesn't involve others on the marriage.


OBVIOUSLY not as OP's H can't actually imagine what she wants. The man needs a road map. Have you ever been expected to dominate your partner @Diana7? How far did you go? Did you choke him a little? Did you use a little nasty language? Did you get rough, bend him over the bed and take him because you just felt like it? Was it too much? Was it too little? Did you humiliate him or just rough him up a bit? Were the ropes too tight? When did you get it exactly right? Do tell because we're all waiting to know how you imagined what your H had in his head.


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post #79 of 99 (permalink) Old 05-26-2017, 01:18 AM
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Re: Not thrilled with our sex life

I am reading this thread with extra attention as I have been/am going through something similar with my husband. He too is a great man - he is kind, is a loving husband, and a very involved and loving father and grandfather. He is my best friend and is totally devoted and loyal to me - to a fault. We have been married a long time and are in the empty nesters stage (most of the time - although they still tend to fly home with their own brood and stay (a little too long) now and then). Like the OP, I also love and adore my husband. Most people do - cause he is awesome in many ways.

Like the OP, I am struggling with our sex life right now too. I won't bore you with the long details of our marital sexual life, you can read them in my threads if you want to be bored to tears some night. Suffice it to say - I was a sexually repressed denier for almost 30 years. My husband just accepted it - and while he did what many husbands do who live in a sexual desert- kept trying to get sex as often as possible, accepted pity sex when offered, moped, pouted, masturbated as needed etc, etc - he never once discussed the situation head on with me the whole 30 years. But that is his way - he is very non-confrontational. In his words - he just assumed that most women were that way - and while not satisfied or truly happy - he just accepted it as his lot in life.

A little over 10 years ago - I had a sexual awakening because of some hormonal changes that made me really really horny all the time - not from anything he did or didn't do. During this time, I dealt with my repression issues and for about 8 to 10 years explored sex a lot with my husband. I drove the exploration and he was happy to go along for the very pleasurable ride. And what a ride it was. It was awesome! We had some major frustrating bumps in the road brought on by menopause and the natural aging process but got passed them because I researched and found solutions and answers to most of them. We were like newly weds - we flirted, sexted, teased, touched, kissed, made out - etc. several times a day. It was great. During this time - we also focused on our health, we exercised and followed a lower carb diet and lost weight and kept it under control. Again, I also was the driver of that boat I was the navigator and my husband rode along with me. This is a common pattern of his personality - in case you have not figured this out yet.

A couple of years ago, when we did a major remodel - which took almost a year (don't ask) - and at the same time had to deal with a very time consuming and emotionally stressful issue with one of our adult children, our eating healthy habits suffered, my husband quit exercising and let his weight spiral- he gained back all the weight he had lost plus added lot more - mostly around his middle and face. Somehow, I managed to keep my weight down by continuing to exercise and trying to eat mostly healthy the majority of the time.

During this time my sex drive started to wan because of the stress and I also was diagnosed with a health issue that I had to deal with. I just didn't have the energy to be the initiator. Plus - my husbands weight became an issue - which I admit was/is a major turn off for me and caused me to worry about his health. It also has had an effect on his sexual performance.

So gradually I quit steering the boat - and hubby did what he always does - stayed in the boat with me and let it float where ever it went. I stopped exploring and initiating and our sex life has gradually diminished - from daily, to 3 to 4 times a week, to twice a week, to once a week - to now about twice a month. Neither of us are happy with where we are now. My husband tries to have sex more often - but his initiating tactics - for whatever reason - have the reverse affect on me - they totally turn me off. He knows that, but continues the same tactics, for whatever reason - and wonders why they don't work! (slap my forehead with my hand)

I know I have built up resentment issues over having to drive the boat in a lot of areas of our marriage (not just the sexual area). Don't get me wrong - he is very happy and willing to help - all I have to do is suggest - i.e. tell him what to do - over and over. He is an intelligent man, he has a good career and is well respected and liked by his co-workers. But in our home - he seems to want to be submissive and let me be in control. Perhaps I have conditioned him to be this way. Like I said he avoids confrontation.

Anyways - somehow this short version is getting long.

Bottom line - I want my husband to take the lead in the bedroom at least some of the time. I would like him to make suggestions and try new things on his own - not just because I ask him too. I have given him all the books as I purchased them over the years and asked him to read them. He has read none of them to my knowledge. I suggest he try to be more dominant, he tries half heartidly a few things once or twice, but does not put much effort into it. I have told him the things that he does when he initiates that turns me off - but he still does them on a regular basis. Some of the problem is that these things turn him on. I am not sure how to handle that - when what he does turns him on - but does nothing for me but annoy me. ??? For example, He is a breast man and goes right for my breasts every time - kneeding them roughly with his hands. This gets him going. Since menopause - man handling my breasts does not feel good at all. I like my breasts - or more succinctly - my nipples played with gently and teasingly if they are lubricated AND I am aroused - and then more roughly when I am close to climax, but when not turned on - his grabbing them and kneeding them actually is a little painful. He knows this - has been told many times very directly - and sometimes not so nicely - yet he still does it!!!

I just purchased the two books suggested. I am not optimistic that he will read them either. Right now I am at the point of not caring - and feel like if he won't get into the drivers seat for awhile - then so be it. We will float wherever - even back to the sexual desert. But this time - its on him. I like sex and want to have it more - but a reactive desire has to have something to react to!

I love my husband and this is not a deal breaker in any way shape or form. It's a frustration - but one I will live with. We get along well most of the time - spend a lot of time together. He has a great sense of humor and makes me laugh. We have some fun hobbies we do together. So my glass is more than half full - and I do realize what a gem I have - even with the flaws. I am not perfect either and I am sure he can fill pages on my flaws and imperfections. So life goes on - just not much sex these days in that life.

I don't have much in the way of advice to the OP - but I can relate and I do feel your frustration! I hope you find some answers - and i will keep reading looking for some answers of my own. Good Luck!
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post #80 of 99 (permalink) Old 05-26-2017, 09:55 AM
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Re: Not thrilled with our sex life

@mary35

No wonder we cross paths and seem to have very similar POV's, we're married to the same man, driving the same bus (or in your case a boat) and are not pleased by the passivity of our husbands.

We do have some differences in that I lucked out and just happened to get him a book about him for him before I got him any others. Since it was about him for him, he read it. No More Mr Nice Guy. He was shocked at how he embodied every single trait described.

I was able to get my husband to "Dom it up" in the bedroom and the results were quite satisfying. Like you, menopause and other events but the hault on my desire to drive the sex bus as well as every other bus (except financial, he has complete control on finances) in our lives together.

The basic issue we both have in our marriages is our husbands passivity compared to our drive. There is a great disparity between the two and that disparity is a problem. So I focused on his passivity and passive aggressive tendencies. It worked for a while but when my back was turned by other events he went right back to his normal state. It cause a complete snap and the tenuous connection broke. I now longer drive any mutual bus at all.

Sexually, he is not as passive as your husband but his go to routine is not as off putting. We still have sex 4-6 times a month, where it used to be per week. That's okay. I can deal with that.

Anyway, I don't know any woman who satisfactorily solved this problem because, I believe, the problem is not ours to solve. The choices, as I saw it, were to alter our expectations and learn to be content or to lay it out in very plain language that passivity in this area won't be tolerated each and every time a half assed passive approach is made.

The first choice is what I went with, sexually, because I like sex and want to have sex so I close my eyes and pretend the initiation sequence happened the way I liked it. But...I could make this choice because the bond/connection is gone and sex is just sex. There is no emotion involved. I am getting the equivalent of duty sex and as long as I get my orgasms, I'm okay with it. I'm not looking for, nor will accept love.

I don't recommend this choice because it is a slow death. If you still have some fight in you, I'd suggest you take the reigns and force him to read what you want him to know. Your husband is being selfish and you know it but aren't addressing it...because you love him and are defending him. Ask yourself if you knew something turned him off and something else turned him on, which choice would you make? Selfish. It is what it is and when you shed some light on his selfishness and name it for him, his passivity will now look more like passive aggressive vindictiveness because he knows you don't like it, but he is pissed at not being accepted unconditionally.

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post #81 of 99 (permalink) Old 05-26-2017, 10:53 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Not thrilled with our sex life

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OBVIOUSLY not as OP's H can't actually imagine what she wants. The man needs a road map. Have you ever been expected to dominate your partner @Diana7? How far did you go? Did you choke him a little? Did you use a little nasty language? Did you get rough, bend him over the bed and take him because you just felt like it? Was it too much? Was it too little? Did you humiliate him or just rough him up a bit? Were the ropes too tight? When did you get it exactly right? Do tell because we're all waiting to know how you imagined what your H had in his head.


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This is exactly why I need to really talk with him about what my needs r, because if he doesn't know, and went too far or something that would be bad. That and not having a clue would put me at a complete loss as to how to proceed. I have said I want him to be more assertive take control, he did yesterday. Grabbed me after I got out of the shower and left me with a smile so it's a start!


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post #82 of 99 (permalink) Old 05-26-2017, 11:49 AM
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Not thrilled with our sex life

Well, interesting read.

Let me say I am very Dominant. I guess my wife picked right. I initiated sex every day and never thought that was a problem. It was obvious from the first days of our dating Mary liked to be taken and I was always willing to take her.

And I demanded she communicate with me. I always told her what I wanted, and asked what she wanted. But with her illness, pathological lying, and submissiveness she would not tell me.

She allowed herself to get bored, and ended up having that one time fling. It could have been avoided if she had just communicated with me somehow.

During the time I was furious with her over the quagmire of lies she kept telling I finally lost my temper. I grabbed her by the hair and drug her to the bedroom, stripped her, and spanked her. The results of that amazed me.

If only she had talked to me before. I'm not wired that way. I never thought to try anything like that. Hurting her hurt me too. But I've learned to roll with it.

It's all about communication.

Last edited by WilliamM; 05-26-2017 at 11:55 AM.
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post #83 of 99 (permalink) Old 05-26-2017, 11:56 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Not thrilled with our sex life

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Well, interesting read.

Let me say I am very Dominant. I guess my wife picked right. I initiated sex every day and never thought that was a problem. It was obvious from the first days of our dating Mary liked to be taken and I was always willing to take her.

And I demanded she communicate with me. I always told her what I wanted, and asked what she wanted. But with her illness, pathological lying, and submissiveness she would not tell me.

She allowed herself to get bored, and ended up having that one time fling. It could have been avoided if she had just communicated with me somehow.

During the time I was furious with her over the quagmire of lies she kept telling I finally got really fed up one day. I grabbed her by the hair and drug her to the bedroom, stripped her, and spanked her. The results of that amazed me.

If only she had talked to me before. I'm not wired that way. I never thought to try anything like that. Hurting her hurt me too. But I've learned to roll with it.

It's all about communication.


Something similar happened with us. I didn't realize it myself, but I was just angry as hell and threw a gigantic fit, screaming at him for nothing really. He did the same thing, and not only did it calm me down, but we had great sex afterwards and my anger was gone. My mood was sexual frustration. This is one of the reasons I think he will be ok with being more dominant, because he was obviously really turned on by spanking me. He did so yesterday too, and I looked up at him in the mirror and he was staring at me, yeah he liked it...a lot lol


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post #84 of 99 (permalink) Old 05-26-2017, 12:03 PM
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Re: Not thrilled with our sex life

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Something similar happened with us. I didn't realize it myself, but I was just angry as hell and threw a gigantic fit, screaming at him for nothing really. He did the same thing, and not only did it calm me down, but we had great sex afterwards and my anger was gone. My mood was sexual frustration. This is one of the reasons I think he will be ok with being more dominant, because he was obviously really turned on by spanking me. He did so yesterday too, and I looked up at him in the mirror and he was staring at me, yeah he liked it...a lot lol


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post #85 of 99 (permalink) Old 05-26-2017, 12:42 PM
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Re: Not thrilled with our sex life

When I spanked Mary it didn't do a thing for me, but Mary went crazy with lust. She absolutely loved it.

I discovered a little pain applied occasionally at the right time creates a real sexual rush for Mary. Not every night, but she starts finding sex boring after a few days without it.

It's something I never would have thought of.
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post #86 of 99 (permalink) Old 05-26-2017, 02:03 PM
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Re: Not thrilled with our sex life

@Anon Pink

I wrote my above post late at night when my frustration was getting the best of me. However, your response has given me some important reminders and things to think about and put my frame of mind back where it needs to be. So I thank you for writing it.

"I don't know any woman who satisfactorily solved this problem because, I believe, the problem is not ours to solve. The choices, as I saw it, were to alter our expectations and learn to be content or to lay it out in very plain language that passivity in this area won't be tolerated each and every time a half assed passive approach is made."

In a way you are right, but while it may not be my problem to solve - because it is causing problems between us - it is a problem I need to deal with in a way to keep the problem from damaging our marriage.

Yes - these are two choices - and while the last choice is not something I can live with - I very well may have to learn to alter my expectations and learn to be content. However, I have not completely given up on the idea that he can be persuaded and taught to at least meet me half way. But first I have to get my resentment under control - because at the moment I am turning the tables and practicing a little passive aggressive approach myself. Sooo not healthy - but at the moment it feels good!

While I did not think I was defending him last night - I guess I do think that perhaps I should give him the benefit of doubt that he is not purposely doing what he is doing and explore other reasons for it. Perhaps he simply is that clueless some times or his mind is on other things and he is just feeling the moment and doing what feels good to him - forgetting that I have told him those things don't feel good to me. Also because we are dealing with a lot of stress right now from making some major life changing decisions and transitions - I wonder if he is operating on overload - I know I am. Another factor I feel I need to take a look at is that like the OP - I am not always good at communicating my sexual needs with him. I tend to give him more of a don't list without supplementing it with a do list. So perhaps - I need to better communicate what i want with him.

I do still carry a lot of guilt and regret over him having to deal with my repressed sexual issues and my not meeting his needs for so many wasted years - and i sometimes feel I don't have any right to complain about him not fulfilling my needs now so I hold it in until it builds up and then bursts out - usually in an angry or hurt way. Clearly this is not a healthy way to deal with issues or a good way to get him to hear me. Also in his defense, when menopause hit, my body changed and became really hard to read and took a lot of effort to get it to respond - heck sometimes I didn't know what I wanted or needed to get it to work. That is not the case any more -I am very responsive - when given something to respond to. But, maybe he feels I didn't appreciate the efforts he made and has built up some resentment of his own. Maybe he still carries some resentment for all the years I failed him sexually. He says he does not feel any resentment - but I find that hard to believe. Yeah - so maybe I am making excuses for him. Knowing him the way I do - I find it hard to believe he is doing this intentionally to get back at me - at least on a conscious level. Perhaps subconsciously that is what is happening.

However - having said all of the above - I do think he has a tendency to be a lazy and selfish lover - not always but often enough, but so do I sometimes. I also know he has the capability of being a very caring and giving lover - and when we were/are in sync the connection was/is amazing. The past couple of years we have gotten more and more out of sync to the point where we are rarely in sync anymore - and I really miss that amazing connection with him. I think he misses it too.

"The first choice is what I went with, sexually, because I like sex and want to have sex so I close my eyes and pretend the initiation sequence happened the way I liked it. But...I could make this choice because the bond/connection is gone and sex is just sex. There is no emotion involved. I am getting the equivalent of duty sex and as long as I get my orgasms, I'm okay with it. I'm not looking for, nor will accept love."

This paragraph made me sad, especially the last sentence! I AM looking for love and will not accept or stay in a marriage without it. Fortunately, I don't have too - because the one thing I do know is that we do still have a lot of love for each other. We both have our flaws, we both can be incredibly self focused and self centered at times - but when push comes to shove - I have no doubt we would cover each others backs. In spite of my resentment and frustration with our sexual life - I am still totally committed to making our marriage work. And I know without a doubt that my husband is also committed to me and our marriage. However, I have been around enough to know that enough resentment build up that is not dealt with properly can be a real love killer and can quickly destroy a marriage. And once love dies - it can be near impossible to rebuild it.

So - there in lies my answer - I just need to stop my own passive aggressive behaviors, deal with my resentment issues head on and try to work this out with my husband in a more healthier way! We have some long driving trips coming up - I will use the time to talk about these issues and see if together we can come up with some solutions that make our sex life better for the both of us. If we can't fix this - then I guess I will have to choose to accept him the way he is, accept what he is willing to offer sexually - and learn to be content. It's the least I can do - cause he certainly has had to do the same with me for way too many years of our marriage! Besides - as a total package, he really is a keeper, and I am not that big of a fool to let him go!!
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post #87 of 99 (permalink) Old 05-26-2017, 03:53 PM
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Re: Not thrilled with our sex life

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1. Porn doesn't involve others in the marriage. But we get it, according to you porn, fantasies, and non procreative sex are to be avoided. We get it.

2. No loving spouse would demand the other do something they hate. Her husband seems to love oral sex, he just doesn't like giving it. Seems he can get over his aversion when it involves his orgasm but not when it involves hers. I don't know about you but that doesn't seem very Christian to me.

3. Having a sexual hang up, or aversion to some specific sexual act, doesn't make for a very good marriage. Except in the unlikely event two prudes marry each other, then they can claim to have banging sex within the confines of their extreme limits.

Sex should be fun, explorative, and playful. If you have an aversion that prohibits any of those three, you should work on that.
It's entirely possible to have a really good and varied and enjoyable sex life without one or two things that one or the other spouse doesn't like. I would say that most people have one or two things they wouldn't do that some others do.

Being that we are both past childbearing age, your comment on non-procreative sex is crazy. Sex has so many other benefits apart from having children. It's fun and brings the couples closer together.
Porn does bring others into the marriage, many other people.

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post #88 of 99 (permalink) Old 05-26-2017, 04:34 PM
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Re: Not thrilled with our sex life

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OBVIOUSLY not as OP's H can't actually imagine what she wants. The man needs a road map. Have you ever been expected to dominate your partner @Diana7? How far did you go? Did you choke him a little? Did you use a little nasty language? Did you get rough, bend him over the bed and take him because you just felt like it? Was it too much? Was it too little? Did you humiliate him or just rough him up a bit? Were the ropes too tight? When did you get it exactly right? Do tell because we're all waiting to know how you imagined what your H had in his head.


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Haven't a clue who you asked me this, but he isn't into domination.
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post #89 of 99 (permalink) Old 05-26-2017, 07:43 PM
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Re: Not thrilled with our sex life

If its one or two things, I think you are generally right, but even then: wouldn't most people be unhappy with a partner who never engaged in PIV, or who never kissed?

Sometimes its a lot more than one or two things. Some people will turn down essentially every sexual activity that doesn't directly give them pleasure.

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It's entirely possible to have a really good and varied and enjoyable sex life without one or two things that one or the other spouse doesn't like. I would say that most people have one or two things they wouldn't do that some others do.
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post #90 of 99 (permalink) Old 05-26-2017, 07:48 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Not thrilled with our sex life

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If its one or two things, I think you are generally right, but even then: wouldn't most people be unhappy with a partner who never engaged in PIV, or who never kissed?



Sometimes its a lot more than one or two things. Some people will turn down essentially every sexual activity that doesn't directly give them pleasure.


Yes but that's not on debate here, oral really isn't the main point I was making either. It is possible, very possible to have a great sex life if one partner doesn't want to do a certain sexual act. I, for instance will never let DH anywhere near my butt, does that make me a selfish lover? Nope. I do other things to please him. That's what is being worked on here. Other needs I want fulfilled, if those needs r met, I won't even think of the fact that he doesn't do that one thing. That's what I am trying to work on being able to talk with DH about.


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