Continue to talk, or let it lie? - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #1 of 32 (permalink) Old 08-14-2017, 06:12 AM Thread Starter
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Continue to talk, or let it lie?

This all started back in my senior year of high school. I grew up a very heterosexual male, and as many guys my age, very focused on sex. My father is and was a pretty perverted guy so I grew up with that influence constantly. My last semester of high school, I started noticing that I would randomly start looking at other mens genitals during P.E. At first I thought I was just comparing myself to other men, but I began noticing that i would often fixate on it and was constantly curious about it during shower time.
At the time, I didnt think much of it. Even though I noticed it had evolved into more than just comparing myself, I thought it was normal and had no bearing on my sexual orientation. After that semester, I began college at State. I began noticing that my "curiosities" began to get stronger and more frequent. This honestly really scared me, so I did my best to ignore it and supress it. That was the wrong thing to do, as it just made things stronger and more frequent. I dated a few girls during my two years at University. It should be noted that my first roommate and I didnt really get along. At first we did, but then he started telling our mutual circle of friends that I was gay and so I ended up moving out.
After that first two years, I transferred to a different college. Things hadnt gotten any better. The curiosities and fantasies still there, even stronger. The curiosity would eventually lead to viewing adult videos containing sex acts between two men and a woman. Some heterosexual, some homosexual. I would meet my wife at College. While sexually active with her, I would notice that my urges would lessen to a degree. Although, she had made comments a few times questioning my sexuality. She played it off as a joke, but i knew she was honestly wondering.
Her making comments, along with my own confusion led to me seeking out opinions and advice from mutual friends and family members of ours. Biggest mistake of my life. It backfired so bad that it eventually got back to my wife that I was talking with people other than her. That would lead to us discussing it a few times. At first she thought I was trying to tell her I was gay, which is not true at all. After some discussion, I was able to help her understand that I am/was curious. I wish i could go back and not have spoken to so many people about it. One of these people, who was her best friend in college and in our wedding wont speak to us now because of it. I think it is because I put her in an awkward position by asking her for advice on how to approach my wife on the matter.
I guess i am just wanting more clarity and less confusion when it comes to my sexuality. I had chances to experiment before I met my wife, but never followed through. I feared that if i tried it, and liked it..I would instantly turn homosexual and not love women anymore. Stupid fear, right?
I also want to not feel so much fear and anxiety when it comes to talking to my wife about it in the future. I am sure at some point we will, but the times we have to this day, I become really anxious and nervous. Scared even that she is going to leave me.
Fast forward to a few days ago, and we had big talk in which i explained that i am sexually attracted to men, and she asked if i was bisexual. I replied with "yea i think so". She was pretty supportive and understanding, but concerned and wanted to make sure i was being honest with myself about being bisexual.
Ever since we have talked, my sexual interest in men has skyrocketed. What do i do?
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post #2 of 32 (permalink) Old 08-14-2017, 06:37 AM
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post #3 of 32 (permalink) Old 08-14-2017, 06:47 AM
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Whether you are attracted to men or women or both is beside the point. Do not cheat on your wife,she had been nothing but supportive to you and doesn't deserve a cheating husband on top of everything else.
If you want to sleep with men then get a divorce first.

When someone says its not the money its the principle,its always the money.
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post #4 of 32 (permalink) Old 08-14-2017, 07:52 AM
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Re: Continue to talk, or let it lie?

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Whether you are attracted to men or women or both is beside the point. Do not cheat on your wife,she had been nothing but supportive to you and doesn't deserve a cheating husband on top of everything else.
If you want to sleep with men then get a divorce first.
I totally agree. Being bisexual doesn't give you the right to have sex with anyone outside your marriage any more than being heterosexual does.

I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more. ― C.S. Lewis

FINE PRINT: My post is simply my own opinion (unless indicated otherwise).
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post #5 of 32 (permalink) Old 08-14-2017, 08:10 AM
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Re: Continue to talk, or let it lie?

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I think you start divorce proceedings.
An amicable, friendly divorce. No hard feelings. You just shouldn't be married to a woman.
I'm sorry, but that's not good advice at all, and I mean that respectfully.

OP, if you're attracted to both men and women, and your wife is okay with that, then you have to make sure you respect her in this regard. If she accepts that you're bisexual - then great. If she doesn't accept that you can "experiment" - then you need to absolutely respect that.

If those urges to experiment are too great, and your wife is not okay with that, that's when you need to make a choice - but please involve your wife in it. Cheating is cheating, no matter what the reason - or genders involved.

You need to look at it this way: if you're attracted to both men AND women, you're married, love your wife, are attracted to her, and she is not okay with you going outside the marriage to "see what it's like" - then that's the bed you've made and you respect your vows. Don't take apart someone else's life for your own urges.

"Every time I read your posts about your wife I want to swallow strychnine."
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post #6 of 32 (permalink) Old 08-14-2017, 09:01 AM
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Re: Continue to talk, or let it lie?

Your options as I see them.

1) Remain married to your wife and understand that means total monogamy for life.

2) Remain married to your wife, cheat, and pray you don't get caught.

3) Remain married to your wife and negotiate some kind of non-monogamy agreement.

4) Amicably divorce your wife.


I, personally, recommend #1 or #4.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #7 of 32 (permalink) Old 08-14-2017, 09:33 AM
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Re: Continue to talk, or let it lie?

.

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post #8 of 32 (permalink) Old 08-14-2017, 09:34 AM
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Re: Continue to talk, or let it lie?

And absolutely DO NOT ever again involve other friends, particularly other women, in very important, extremely personal and potentially life-altering, things you should be discussing with your wife. Going to other women behind your wife's back to discuss your sexuality is a profound slap in the face to your wife. If you cannot respect her enough to discuss important topics with her instead of, or at the very least before and afterward only with her consent, going to other women with them, then you shouldn't be married.

You'll find that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly upon our own point of view. - Obi Wan Kenobi
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post #9 of 32 (permalink) Old 08-14-2017, 11:07 AM
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Re: Continue to talk, or let it lie?

I'm "other women" curious. I occasionally think / fantasize about being with other women. I wonder what it would be like. But - I DON"T DO IT. I'm married. Lots of people are attracted to people other than their spouses.

If you are bisexual, then you are attracted to men and women. You can no more be with other men than you can be with other women.

OTOH if you are gay - which is to say that you substantially prefer men to women, that is a different story. In that case you should divorce your wife so that she can be with someone who is attracted to her.
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post #10 of 32 (permalink) Old 08-14-2017, 11:46 AM
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Re: Continue to talk, or let it lie?

I believe everyone lies on some point on a spectrum with very few being 100% hetero or homosexual and few being completely 50/50. It's normal to have at least some attraction to the same sex.

It is still very much a choice to stay faithful to your wife. If it's something you feel you need to experiment with you can either speak to your wife about having an open marriage or divorce but either way you have to be honest with her about it.
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post #11 of 32 (permalink) Old 08-14-2017, 11:52 AM
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Re: Continue to talk, or let it lie?

You are an increased risk for std's which means full disclosure with whoever you are with.
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post #12 of 32 (permalink) Old 08-14-2017, 03:30 PM
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Re: Continue to talk, or let it lie?

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Originally Posted by notmyrealname4 View Post
OP wants some d.

A huge majority of straight women are not going to be okay with that in a husband.

If OP's wife is okay with that, she's a minority.

She's going to have to be okay with him having sex with men at some point.

Yuck.

No, she never has to be okay with it, nor allow him. Nor does OP "have" to have sex with men. She can be, however, okay with the fact that her husband likes women AND men.

Your homophobia is showing.

"Every time I read your posts about your wife I want to swallow strychnine."
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post #13 of 32 (permalink) Old 08-14-2017, 04:15 PM
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Re: Continue to talk, or let it lie?

Yeah. The "yuck" was very unnecessary


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post #14 of 32 (permalink) Old 08-14-2017, 07:25 PM
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Re: Continue to talk, or let it lie?

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No, she never has to be okay with it, nor allow him. Nor does OP "have" to have sex with men. She can be, however, okay with the fact that her husband likes women AND men.

Your homophobia is showing.
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Yeah. The "yuck" was very unnecessary


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In defense of @notmyrealname4, sexual acts involve bodily fluids exchanges even if the only fluids exchanged are saliva and sweat. There is an "ick factor" (yuck!) in that exchange regardless of the genders involved. Pretty much only fetishists want their partner coming home smelling like someone else or, even worse, with another's bodily fluid residue on their person.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #15 of 32 (permalink) Old 08-14-2017, 08:11 PM
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Re: Continue to talk, or let it lie?

Have a peek through Craigslist personals ads or go to a bathhouse or "peep show" (aka glory hole booths)
Like half of them are married men going to be with other men. The want is fairly common but what you do with it your own choice. I'd much rather see men like this trying to figure out a solution rather than trolling Craigslist for car head.

Cheating is yuck. Wanting to sleep with someone of the same sex is just normal.

Less "yuck" when it's 2 women though it seems. Maybe more acceptance would help these guys explore in more positive and less lying, secretive ways?
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