Continue to talk, or let it lie?
This all started back in my senior year of high school. I grew up a very heterosexual male, and as many guys my age, very focused on sex. My father is and was a pretty perverted guy so I grew up with that influence constantly. My last semester of high school, I started noticing that I would randomly start looking at other mens genitals during P.E. At first I thought I was just comparing myself to other men, but I began noticing that i would often fixate on it and was constantly curious about it during shower time.
At the time, I didnt think much of it. Even though I noticed it had evolved into more than just comparing myself, I thought it was normal and had no bearing on my sexual orientation. After that semester, I began college at State. I began noticing that my "curiosities" began to get stronger and more frequent. This honestly really scared me, so I did my best to ignore it and supress it. That was the wrong thing to do, as it just made things stronger and more frequent. I dated a few girls during my two years at University. It should be noted that my first roommate and I didnt really get along. At first we did, but then he started telling our mutual circle of friends that I was gay and so I ended up moving out.
After that first two years, I transferred to a different college. Things hadnt gotten any better. The curiosities and fantasies still there, even stronger. The curiosity would eventually lead to viewing adult videos containing sex acts between two men and a woman. Some heterosexual, some homosexual. I would meet my wife at College. While sexually active with her, I would notice that my urges would lessen to a degree. Although, she had made comments a few times questioning my sexuality. She played it off as a joke, but i knew she was honestly wondering.
Her making comments, along with my own confusion led to me seeking out opinions and advice from mutual friends and family members of ours. Biggest mistake of my life. It backfired so bad that it eventually got back to my wife that I was talking with people other than her. That would lead to us discussing it a few times. At first she thought I was trying to tell her I was gay, which is not true at all. After some discussion, I was able to help her understand that I am/was curious. I wish i could go back and not have spoken to so many people about it. One of these people, who was her best friend in college and in our wedding wont speak to us now because of it. I think it is because I put her in an awkward position by asking her for advice on how to approach my wife on the matter.
I guess i am just wanting more clarity and less confusion when it comes to my sexuality. I had chances to experiment before I met my wife, but never followed through. I feared that if i tried it, and liked it..I would instantly turn homosexual and not love women anymore. Stupid fear, right?
I also want to not feel so much fear and anxiety when it comes to talking to my wife about it in the future. I am sure at some point we will, but the times we have to this day, I become really anxious and nervous. Scared even that she is going to leave me.
Fast forward to a few days ago, and we had big talk in which i explained that i am sexually attracted to men, and she asked if i was bisexual. I replied with "yea i think so". She was pretty supportive and understanding, but concerned and wanted to make sure i was being honest with myself about being bisexual.
Ever since we have talked, my sexual interest in men has skyrocketed. What do i do?