No Sex What-so-ever.... - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 72 (permalink) Old 09-24-2017, 06:51 AM Thread Starter
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Re: No Sex What-so-ever....

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Originally Posted by Personal View Post
Just one thing on missing red flags, don't beat yourself up about it. That said thinking it will change for the better is a fools errand. Dump him or don't, whatever you choose to is on you.
Thanks, Personal.

Yes, a fools errand indeed, you are right. If I don't end it, I need to be completely aware it will probably never change, and be okay with it. That is not acceptable for me now.... so I need to take a deep breath, pick a time, and just do it.

All of your replies have helped confirm my thoughts.

Thank you.
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post #17 of 72 (permalink) Old 09-24-2017, 06:54 AM Thread Starter
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Re: No Sex What-so-ever....

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Have a very frank discussion with him about your sexual needs. Give him a deadline. Then tell him what will happen after that time. Go see a lawyer, I doubt he will get anything when you are together such a short time.
Thank you, aine. I think actually starting the discussion will be the worst of it for now... I hate doing things that hurt people. But, if I don't, I'm hurting myself... and it's about time I put an end to that.

I think I will check with a lawyer this week (I'm on 2 weeks of school holidays starting tomorrow), and take it from there.
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post #18 of 72 (permalink) Old 09-24-2017, 07:35 AM
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Re: No Sex What-so-ever....

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Thanks for your reply uhted. I guess I've been waiting on potential. Even a couple of months ago he said that he didn't see a couple of years away from sex as meaning there would never be sex again... said he knew he had to be more physical. He says these things, but nothing has ever materialised. I'm pretty sure when I say I want to leave he'll offer to go to counselling or sex therapy then. But, for me that will be too late. He should have been interested in how I've been feeling all along instead of fobbing me off constantly and saying we'd fix/talk about it later.



Thanks Satya. The same thing happened in his marriage... no sex. His wife had an affair in the end. She tried to get him to counselling in the beginning and he wouldn't go. He offered when she asked for a divorce but she refused. He says he then offered for them to stay in the same house and just sleep in different bedrooms.
You now know exactly what his wife went through. Seems like she also just got fed up, checked out, and then was gone. This should tell you two things: 1) this isn't something he can/will change and 2) he knows exactly what he is doing, he's been here before, and he will say whatever he thinks you want to hear to keep you hanging on and delay the inevitable.

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He originally told me he lost enthusiasm for sex after they did 7 rounds of IVF to try for a baby, and then he had his medical situation and the medication put an end to it altogether. He changed the story on that about 8 months ago and said he'd not been interested in sex since he was 40, and had also had problems with it in other prior relationships.
You know this makes him a gigantic <whatever the Aussie word for complete selfish prick is here>. He knows his lack of sexuality is a HUGE problem in relationships, yet he continues to get involved with women. He's lied, he's made excuses, and he's trickle truthed you. He got involved with you knowing you wanted a sexual relationship and knowing that he couldn't provide that for you as evidenced by his past relationships and failed marriage. He also knew through the same experiences that his lack of sexual interest would psychologically and emotionally damage you as well as physically frustrate you and he forged ahead fueled by pure selfishness.

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I truly think he just values the closer companionship of a 'partner' rather than living with another bloke (as he was doing in a sharing situation before he moved in with me), but I'm not ready to be a partner in a relationship without sex. Some people just don't enjoy sex with other people, and I think he's one of them? (Asexual?) I mistook his lack of enthusiasm for embarrassment and shame in the beginning, and didn't want to be a horrible person and not give him a chance to settle in to things.
Maybe he's asexual or maybe he has some other sexual dysfunction. Who cares? He doesn't want a romantic relationship that includes regular enthusiastic sex and you do. You're not compatible. Rejecting a potential mate based on incompatibility doesn't make you a bad person at all. It's what you're supposed to do! In the future, don't be afraid to walk away from signs of incompatibility, "something missing", and/or "something off".

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I've asked him if he's attracted to me, and he says yes, very, as much as he is attracted to anyone. He sometimes tells me I look 'nice', and also says 'I love you' once every 3 weeks or so. I, on the other hand am an 'I love you' every day kind of girl. I don't do this though, as in the beginning he made it clear he thought saying I love you often was clingy behaviour. I just like to express myself!!!
Regular verbal expression of feelings isn't clingy. It's natural and normal to want to hear that you are loved and to express love in return. I tell my kids I love them daily. They respond in kind. DH and I tell each other we love each other AT LEAST twice a day. I have two old high school friends I've known for more than 20 years. I'll often tell them things like "I love you and miss your face!" Hell, I tell my dogs and parrot I love them often. Never once been accused of being clingy.

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I get someone who I know will never cheat, and that is huge for me. Huge. My friends and family all like him and get along with him. I love his family and friends. He is also great at giving me space when I need it, and letting me do my theatre hobby with no complaints at all. He is funny and humorous (when he's in a good mood).
He won't cheat on you not because he is a fine upstanding moral man or because he values you, but because he just doesn't like sex. There is a world full of decent men who won't cheat on you, do like sex, and would be liked by your friends and family.

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He has commented when being nasty and in a rage (on very rare occasions now) that he thinks I'm more intelligent than him, and he does what he needs to do to 'beat' me in an argument (yelling, swearing, sarcasm, put downs etc). This has always been a huge bone of contention as I'm not about winning, I'm about resolving problems as a team and reaching a workable solution.
The more you say the more he sounds like a complete ass.


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Unfortunately he's been in for over 2 years... moved in really quickly due to circumstances of his rented home being sold and him needing to move out (he shared it with a couple of other blokes). I'd lived alone for 6 years (even though I'd been in a relationship for a lot of that), and loved it. He snuck in, and I let him.
I truly believe he moved so fast because he knew you would pick up on the lack of sexuality soon and bolt if he didn't.

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You are right... I don't owe him the rest of my life. I think there is a part to the law that you can begin a separation from the last time you actually slept together if both agree, and if he decided to go for half of my property I'm not ashamed to say I'd have to lie and say we've been separated since a date before the 2 years was up, and living as just friends. His word against mine. (This makes me feel awful, but I would do it to save myself).

That would mean I'd have to back date to around March this year. It sounds horrible, but if I were to lose half of a property I've worked my guts out to own outright (paying triple on the mortgage), and one he's had no contribution to, I'd do whatever is necessary. It's my life and protection. I want to be completely independent, and I'm planning to start contributing to my super now I've paid off my mortgage. I will need this if I don't want to work until I'm at least 67 (and teaching is a hard gig at any age). His best friend's wife (who thought a while back I'd be better off out of this relationship), said her husband and my partner's family (his sister is a lawyer) would be aghast if he did that, and I don't think he will. So hopefully it will be alright and as amicable as possible as I do really care for him and how his life turns out.

Thank you for your thoughts.
You need to detach and protect yourself. He is a grown man and responsible for himself. What he has knowingly done to you is unconscionable. Remove him from your home and do whatever necessary yo protect yourself and your assets.

In the US, not all states recognize "common law marriage", which is our version of your country's "de facto". In the states that still do recognize common law, the couple living together isn't enough to qualify. The couple have to live together for a set amount of time, present themselves professionally and socially as married, share a last name, file taxes jointly, etc. Having a relationship recognized as a common law marriage isn't something a couple can do by accident. Is there no way for BF/GF to live together in your country without the relationship being recognized as de facto and giving him a claim to your assets? If so, perhaps you can "prove" he was merely a BF and has no claim.

Also, here in the US, property owned prior to the marriage isn't marital property and not subject to asset division during a split. Generally, only what was accumulated post marriage is considered a marital asset. You owned the property before you met him, so does he even have a claim at all as a de facto partner who came along after?

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #19 of 72 (permalink) Old 09-24-2017, 08:04 AM Thread Starter
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Re: No Sex What-so-ever....

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Originally Posted by MJJEAN View Post
You now know exactly what his wife went through. Seems like she also just got fed up, checked out, and then was gone. This should tell you two things: 1) this isn't something he can/will change and 2) he knows exactly what he is doing, he's been here before, and he will say whatever he thinks you want to hear to keep you hanging on and delay the inevitable.



You know this makes him a gigantic <whatever the Aussie word for complete selfish prick is here>. He knows his lack of sexuality is a HUGE problem in relationships, yet he continues to get involved with women. He's lied, he's made excuses, and he's trickle truthed you. He got involved with you knowing you wanted a sexual relationship and knowing that he couldn't provide that for you as evidenced by his past relationships and failed marriage. He also knew through the same experiences that his lack of sexual interest would psychologically and emotionally damage you as well as physically frustrate you and he forged ahead fueled by pure selfishness.



Maybe he's asexual or maybe he has some other sexual dysfunction. Who cares? He doesn't want a romantic relationship that includes regular enthusiastic sex and you do. You're not compatible. Rejecting a potential mate based on incompatibility doesn't make you a bad person at all. It's what you're supposed to do! In the future, don't be afraid to walk away from signs of incompatibility, "something missing", and/or "something off".



Regular verbal expression of feelings isn't clingy. It's natural and normal to want to hear that you are loved and to express love in return. I tell my kids I love them daily. They respond in kind. DH and I tell each other we love each other AT LEAST twice a day. I have two old high school friends I've known for more than 20 years. I'll often tell them things like "I love you and miss your face!" Hell, I tell my dogs and parrot I love them often. Never once been accused of being clingy.



He won't cheat on you not because he is a fine upstanding moral man or because he values you, but because he just doesn't like sex. There is a world full of decent men who won't cheat on you, do like sex, and would be liked by your friends and family.



The more you say the more he sounds like a complete ass.




I truly believe he moved so fast because he knew you would pick up on the lack of sexuality soon and bolt if he didn't.



You need to detach and protect yourself. He is a grown man and responsible for himself. What he has knowingly done to you is unconscionable. Remove him from your home and do whatever necessary yo protect yourself and your assets.

In the US, not all states recognize "common law marriage", which is our version of your country's "de facto". In the states that still do recognize common law, the couple living together isn't enough to qualify. The couple have to live together for a set amount of time, present themselves professionally and socially as married, share a last name, file taxes jointly, etc. Having a relationship recognized as a common law marriage isn't something a couple can do by accident. Is there no way for BF/GF to live together in your country without the relationship being recognized as de facto and giving him a claim to your assets? If so, perhaps you can "prove" he was merely a BF and has no claim.

Also, here in the US, property owned prior to the marriage isn't marital property and not subject to asset division during a split. Generally, only what was accumulated post marriage is considered a marital asset. You owned the property before you met him, so does he even have a claim at all as a de facto partner who came along after?
MJJEAN, for some reason, your response brought tears to my eyes. I thank you so much for taking the time to address all the bits and pieces of quotes you took out of my answers. They all 'hit home'. I think I will definitely talk to a solicitor this week... I may be worrying over nothing.

These 2 bits of yours really struck me and got to me:

1. Maybe he's asexual or maybe he has some other sexual dysfunction. Who cares? He doesn't want a romantic relationship that includes regular enthusiastic sex and you do. You're not compatible. Rejecting a potential mate based on incompatibility doesn't make you a bad person at all. It's what you're supposed to do! In the future, don't be afraid to walk away from signs of incompatibility, "something missing", and/or "something off".

2. He won't cheat on you not because he is a fine upstanding moral man or because he values you, but because he just doesn't like sex. There is a world full of decent men who won't cheat on you, do like sex, and would be liked by your friends and family.

This forum and these responses have been so helpful and validating. To have strangers on the internet take such time and care with answering is humbling.

Thank you for your response.

Red Fox Hill.
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post #20 of 72 (permalink) Old 09-24-2017, 09:12 AM
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Re: No Sex What-so-ever....

@RedFoxHill, you're very welcome.

MJ

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #21 of 72 (permalink) Old 09-24-2017, 09:42 AM
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Re: No Sex What-so-ever....

I'm 53. You don't sound LD to me. You sound like a Dream Girl :-)

You sound like Dream Girl that needs some proper lovins.

Some people are simply not any good in bed.

There are so many other guys out there that would love to have an opportunity for some affection and weekly lovins.

I don't know how you made it past the first few weeks with this guy.
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post #22 of 72 (permalink) Old 09-24-2017, 10:13 AM
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Re: No Sex What-so-ever....

You sound very unhappy to me.

Seems you have done what you can, you need to have him move out of your house so you get have a relationship with someone that is more compatible. Life is way to short, he will never change.



You do matter!
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post #23 of 72 (permalink) Old 09-24-2017, 10:31 AM Thread Starter
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Re: No Sex What-so-ever....

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I'm 53. You don't sound LD to me. You sound like a Dream Girl :-)

You sound like Dream Girl that needs some proper lovins.

Some people are simply not any good in bed.

There are so many other guys out there that would love to have an opportunity for some affection and weekly lovins.

I don't know how you made it past the first few weeks with this guy.
Old Shirt... Thanks for that. I read how often some others are 'doing' it on here and think I'd die if I was doing it daily... too tired to do that after work. But I'd certainly like something, that's for sure. I've always thought of myself as low to medium drive, but I do love it when I do it!

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You sound very unhappy to me.

Seems you have done what you can, you need to have him move out of your house so you get have a relationship with someone that is more compatible. Life is way to short, he will never change.
Thanks, Lostme. That's something I've just started saying to myself the last couple of weeks... some people around me have been diagnosed with illnesses and other tragic things have happened to friends lately. Life is indeed too short, and you never know what can happen. Carpe diem.
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post #24 of 72 (permalink) Old 09-24-2017, 10:59 AM
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Re: No Sex What-so-ever....

Sorry for your' situation.

He did not even do a 'bait and switch'on you

No, he has been upfront from the start.
Oh, upfront.....hanging, hanging low..out of sight... out of mind.

The man has given up. He knows his physical and mental limitations and has resigned himself to never changing.
I suspect that he cannot ever return to any meaningful potency.

On masturbation? The hand is much stronger than a vagina. He needs rapid violent jerks to make anything happen.
Being out of shape he cannot sustain that movement with PIV.

He is not even courteous to his own body. He is letting it die, decay, one day at a time.
He may be suffering from depression, also.

He is not a bad guy.

He is using you. Using your good nature. Selfishly.

He is a guy who finished his chores way too early.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out. The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall.
The Host, Rd is ill, any years left, remain now, in doubt? Red Dog is now lost to us.
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post #25 of 72 (permalink) Old 09-24-2017, 11:42 AM
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Re: No Sex What-so-ever....

i do not fully understand your concern about him taking 50% if your house. you are not married. Find a good lawyer, and he will tell you if that is even a possibility. Sounds pretty unlikely to me.

Yes it sounds like time to move on. He PROMISED to do all he was physically able to do to sexually satisfy you, and he is now unwilling to even lift a finger to help you. It will only get worse from here on out. Start dating again. 51 is VERY young.
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post #26 of 72 (permalink) Old 09-24-2017, 11:56 AM
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Re: No Sex What-so-ever....

Conversations like you will have are always the hardest... but also the most necessary.

There was a lot of beating up on why your partner is what he is, does what he does... leave as much of that disappointment behind if you can the moment the conversation begins. Don't get into explanations and situational examples of how and why, they will only drag you into nit-picky defensive justifications.

Expectations have now been replaced with acceptance, this is not a healthy relationship for you.

Prepare yourself to let go of any blame-exchange that may come your way.

I'm sorry you feel that way.
I see things differently.
Im not okay with...

The simplicity of it is, in the right relationship we are enough.

I doubt this conversation will come as a surprise to him.

If it does, it will be yet another affirmation your decision was the right one.

नमस्ते 🙏
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post #27 of 72 (permalink) Old 09-24-2017, 12:56 PM
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Re: No Sex What-so-ever....

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Originally Posted by RedFoxHill View Post
Old Shirt... Thanks for that. I read how often some others are 'doing' it on here and think I'd die if I was doing it daily... too tired to do that after work. But I'd certainly like something, that's for sure. I've always thought of myself as low to medium drive, but I do love it when I do it!



Thanks, Lostme. That's something I've just started saying to myself the last couple of weeks... some people around me have been diagnosed with illnesses and other tragic things have happened to friends lately. Life is indeed too short, and you never know what can happen. Carpe diem.
I don't think you're low to medium drive at all. I think the average couple has sex something like 1-2 times per week. Your level of desire is very reasonable. You've expressed willingness to teach a man what you want and to meet his needs in return. You're prescious. Some man will be very happy to find and woo you.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #28 of 72 (permalink) Old 09-24-2017, 08:18 PM
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Re: No Sex What-so-ever....

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I also have a small fear in the back of my mind that as we've been living together for over a year and a half, he'll ask for half of my home. He's entitled over here in Australia. He's always said he'd never, ever do something like that, but I've had people go ballistic on me before. (I don't think he would though....)
How long have you owned the house?

Sound like you need to see a lawyer to protect your house.

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post #29 of 72 (permalink) Old 09-24-2017, 08:30 PM
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Re: No Sex What-so-ever....

Your partner is really selfish and shows no inclination of wanting to change. I suggest you seriously consider ending this relationship.
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post #30 of 72 (permalink) Old 09-24-2017, 11:19 PM
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Re: No Sex What-so-ever....

There are men out there who want to provide the woman they love with a rich, rewarding sex life as part of a relationship.

There are women out there who don't care about sex.

You both need to move on to someone you deserve.
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