Thanks for your reply uhted. I guess I've been waiting on potential. Even a couple of months ago he said that he didn't see a couple of years away from sex as meaning there would never be sex again... said he knew he had to be more physical. He says these things, but nothing has ever materialised. I'm pretty sure when I say I want to leave he'll offer to go to counselling or sex therapy then. But, for me that will be too late. He should have been interested in how I've been feeling all along instead of fobbing me off constantly and saying we'd fix/talk about it later.
Thanks Satya. The same thing happened in his marriage... no sex. His wife had an affair in the end. She tried to get him to counselling in the beginning and he wouldn't go. He offered when she asked for a divorce but she refused. He says he then offered for them to stay in the same house and just sleep in different bedrooms.
You now know exactly what his wife went through. Seems like she also just got fed up, checked out, and then was gone. This should tell you two things: 1) this isn't something he can/will change and 2) he knows exactly what he is doing, he's been here before, and he will say whatever he thinks you want to hear to keep you hanging on and delay the inevitable.
He originally told me he lost enthusiasm for sex after they did 7 rounds of IVF to try for a baby, and then he had his medical situation and the medication put an end to it altogether. He changed the story on that about 8 months ago and said he'd not been interested in sex since he was 40, and had also had problems with it in other prior relationships.
You know this makes him a gigantic <whatever the Aussie word for complete selfish prick is here>. He knows his lack of sexuality is a HUGE problem in relationships, yet he continues to get involved with women. He's lied, he's made excuses, and he's trickle truthed you. He got involved with you knowing you wanted a sexual relationship and knowing that he couldn't provide that for you as evidenced by his past relationships and failed marriage. He also knew through the same experiences that his lack of sexual interest would psychologically and emotionally damage you as well as physically frustrate you and he forged ahead fueled by pure selfishness.
I truly think he just values the closer companionship of a 'partner' rather than living with another bloke (as he was doing in a sharing situation before he moved in with me), but I'm not ready to be a partner in a relationship without sex. Some people just don't enjoy sex with other people, and I think he's one of them? (Asexual?) I mistook his lack of enthusiasm for embarrassment and shame in the beginning, and didn't want to be a horrible person and not give him a chance to settle in to things.
Maybe he's asexual or maybe he has some other sexual dysfunction. Who cares? He doesn't want a romantic relationship that includes regular enthusiastic sex and you do. You're not compatible. Rejecting a potential mate based on incompatibility doesn't make you a bad person at all. It's what you're supposed to do! In the future, don't be afraid to walk away from signs of incompatibility, "something missing", and/or "something off".
I've asked him if he's attracted to me, and he says yes, very, as much as he is attracted to anyone. He sometimes tells me I look 'nice', and also says 'I love you' once every 3 weeks or so. I, on the other hand am an 'I love you' every day kind of girl. I don't do this though, as in the beginning he made it clear he thought saying I love you often was clingy behaviour. I just like to express myself!!!
Regular verbal expression of feelings isn't clingy. It's natural and normal to want to hear that you are loved and to express love in return. I tell my kids I love them daily. They respond in kind. DH and I tell each other we love each other AT LEAST twice a day. I have two old high school friends I've known for more than 20 years. I'll often tell them things like "I love you and miss your face!" Hell, I tell my dogs and parrot I love them often. Never once been accused of being clingy.
I get someone who I know will never cheat, and that is huge for me. Huge. My friends and family all like him and get along with him. I love his family and friends. He is also great at giving me space when I need it, and letting me do my theatre hobby with no complaints at all. He is funny and humorous (when he's in a good mood).
He won't cheat on you not because he is a fine upstanding moral man or because he values you, but because he just doesn't like sex. There is a world full of decent men who won't cheat on you, do like sex, and would be liked by your friends and family.
He has commented when being nasty and in a rage (on very rare occasions now) that he thinks I'm more intelligent than him, and he does what he needs to do to 'beat' me in an argument (yelling, swearing, sarcasm, put downs etc). This has always been a huge bone of contention as I'm not about winning, I'm about resolving problems as a team and reaching a workable solution.
The more you say the more he sounds like a complete ass.
Unfortunately he's been in for over 2 years... moved in really quickly due to circumstances of his rented home being sold and him needing to move out (he shared it with a couple of other blokes). I'd lived alone for 6 years (even though I'd been in a relationship for a lot of that), and loved it. He snuck in, and I let him.
I truly believe he moved so fast because he knew you would pick up on the lack of sexuality soon and bolt if he didn't.
You are right... I don't owe him the rest of my life. I think there is a part to the law that you can begin a separation from the last time you actually slept together if both agree, and if he decided to go for half of my property I'm not ashamed to say I'd have to lie and say we've been separated since a date before the 2 years was up, and living as just friends. His word against mine. (This makes me feel awful, but I would do it to save myself).
That would mean I'd have to back date to around March this year. It sounds horrible, but if I were to lose half of a property I've worked my guts out to own outright (paying triple on the mortgage), and one he's had no contribution to, I'd do whatever is necessary. It's my life and protection. I want to be completely independent, and I'm planning to start contributing to my super now I've paid off my mortgage. I will need this if I don't want to work until I'm at least 67 (and teaching is a hard gig at any age). His best friend's wife (who thought a while back I'd be better off out of this relationship), said her husband and my partner's family (his sister is a lawyer) would be aghast if he did that, and I don't think he will. So hopefully it will be alright and as amicable as possible as I do really care for him and how his life turns out.
Thank you for your thoughts.
You need to detach and protect yourself. He is a grown man and responsible for himself. What he has knowingly done to you is unconscionable. Remove him from your home and do whatever necessary yo protect yourself and your assets.
In the US, not all states recognize "common law marriage", which is our version of your country's "de facto". In the states that still do recognize common law, the couple living together isn't enough to qualify. The couple have to live together for a set amount of time, present themselves professionally and socially as married, share a last name, file taxes jointly, etc. Having a relationship recognized as a common law marriage isn't something a couple can do by accident. Is there no way for BF/GF to live together in your country without the relationship being recognized as de facto and giving him a claim to your assets? If so, perhaps you can "prove" he was merely a BF and has no claim.
Also, here in the US, property owned prior to the marriage isn't marital property and not subject to asset division during a split. Generally, only what was accumulated post marriage is considered a marital asset. You owned the property before you met him, so does he even have a claim at all as a de facto partner who came along after?