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post #46 of 127 (permalink) Old 07-04-2018, 07:39 PM
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Re: Why The Dishonesty?

@SevenXII

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I doubt he will give it up, if he is getting sex like three times a week every week possible. He may want it to be more exciting and adventurous, but knows that's too much to ask because he really does know you are so busy. Plus, with kids, I don't know how you can find a time and place to let your wild sides hang out together. I get the sense you would if you could, and you'd enjoy it. I think you both need to work on that, but first, find out what is going on by talking.

See, finding the time to talk will help get you closer to him and him to you. It will show you both you can make time for each other. It will make you closer and want to help each other free up time, because there is a nice reward for both of you.

Well, that's my hope for you both. I can't know, since I don't really know either of you. You have to think about all of these suggestions and take them with a grain of salt, so to speak. Decide what is best for you, even if you don't get it right the first time, there are other ways to approach it all. Work on it and you will both appreciate each other more.

"I'm significant!! Screamed the dust speck." - Bill Watterson
"Youth is wasted on the young". - George Bernard Shaw

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post #47 of 127 (permalink) Old 07-04-2018, 07:48 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Why The Dishonesty?

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Thank you. I'll try to bring it up for discussion at a better time and be more casual about it. In the meantime, I guess I'll just work on trying to not let it upset me.
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post #48 of 127 (permalink) Old 07-04-2018, 07:57 PM
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Re: Why The Dishonesty?

People don't always want to go into details when asked about their sexual habits or proclivities, or bathroom habits, or other private activities. I think it is normal to try to duck the question.

Are you a very intense person? Why is this a big deal? You're asking about something that is private. It's not like he is lying about spending money or where he's been, etc.

Are you so concerned for his health that you question every odd noise? Is there something else going on? Your line of questioning to him and then upset reaction because he's "lied" to you feels claustrophobic to me.

"If we hurt, we hurt others. If we love....guess what? Easy math, the basics, really. Add love, subtract anger, multiple kindness, divide suffering." Emerging Buddhist.
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post #49 of 127 (permalink) Old 07-04-2018, 08:18 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Why The Dishonesty?

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People don't always want to go into details when asked about their sexual habits or proclivities, or bathroom habits, or other private activities. I think it is normal to try to duck the question.

Are you a very intense person? Why is this a big deal? You're asking about something that is private. It's not like he is lying about spending money or where he's been, etc.

Are you so concerned for his health that you question every odd noise? Is there something else going on? Your line of questioning to him and then upset reaction because he's "lied" to you feels claustrophobic to me.
I do have a tendency to be paranoid about things, but that's more of a PTSD thing from childhood experiences. He knows about all of that. Things that are unusual will sometimes cause me to think the worst. So yes, every odd noise that happens around the house bothers me unless I figure out exactly what it was and where it came from. I do the same thing to my kids. They all know that I do this. It is not new.

The point is, if it's about privacy and feeling that it is none of my business then he can tell me that. I'm not demanding an explanation from him, I just want him to stop lying to me about it. I can handle a "None of your business" better than some crappy lie that's insulting because he believes that I'm dumb enough to believe it.
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post #50 of 127 (permalink) Old 07-04-2018, 08:35 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Why The Dishonesty?

I'm new here so I have to ask...

Is this one of those forums where when you post about a problem you're having and it has any mention of masturbation, even if the masturbation itself is not the problem, the OP is automatically the unreasonable one? I feel liKe a lot of the replies here are completely missing my point.

On the other hand, if I am just considered unreasonable for being angry about my husband blatantly lying to me when it is completely unnecessary for him to do so, then I guess I don't need anymore feedback on this subject.
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post #51 of 127 (permalink) Old 07-04-2018, 08:36 PM
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People don't always want to go into details when asked about their sexual habits or proclivities, or bathroom habits, or other private activities. I think it is normal to try to duck the question.

Are you a very intense person? Why is this a big deal? You're asking about something that is private. It's not like he is lying about spending money or where he's been, etc.

Are you so concerned for his health that you question every odd noise? Is there something else going on? Your line of questioning to him and then upset reaction because he's "lied" to you feels claustrophobic to me.
I do have a tendency to be paranoid about things, but that's more of a PTSD thing from childhood experiences. He knows about all of that. Things that are unusual will sometimes cause me to think the worst. So yes, every odd noise that happens around the house bothers me unless I figure out exactly what it was and where it came from. I do the same thing to my kids. They all know that I do this. It is not new.

The point is, if it's about privacy and feeling that it is none of my business then he can tell me that. I'm not demanding an explanation from him, I just want him to stop lying to me about it. I can handle a "None of your business" better than some crappy lie that's insulting because he believes that I'm dumb enough to believe it.
You have said further up that you don’t grill him. So if you ask your husband as you indicated above, how does he respond that is lying?

If he said he’s okay, everything is fine, how is that being dishonest or lying? Or are you upset that you notice he has been rubbing one out and didn’t confess to the act?

The only way I can infer from your posts that he is lying is if you actually confront him and he’s too awkward or embarrassed to admit it.

Just as you have PTSD and have must investigate every sound to place your mind at ease, his not fessing up may be easier for him to place his mind at ease.

Either way, it seems like a mountain is being made out of a molehill.
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post #52 of 127 (permalink) Old 07-04-2018, 09:15 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Why The Dishonesty?

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You have said further up that you donít grill him. So if you ask your husband as you indicated above, how does he respond that is lying?

If he said heís okay, everything is fine, how is that being dishonest or lying? Or are you upset that you notice he has been rubbing one out and didnít confess to the act?

The only way I can infer from your posts that he is lying is if you actually confront him and heís too awkward or embarrassed to admit it.

Just as you have PTSD and have must investigate every sound to place your mind at ease, his not fessing up may be easier for him to place his mind at ease.

Either way, it seems like a mountain is being made out of a molehill.
What mountain?

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post #53 of 127 (permalink) Old 07-04-2018, 09:27 PM
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Re: Why The Dishonesty?

OK, this makes more sense to me. You have some degree of an anxiety disorder (PTSD) IME people with anxiety to tend to experience things in an amplified manner, so the "fight or flight" instincts are triggered more easily than in less sensitive/anxious people. Your adrenal is turned up more frequently and for a longer duration than in less sensitive/anxious people. This would explain why you get jittery with odd noises, etc.

With the additional information, I have two thoughts for your consideration:

1. My experience working with higher-anxiety people is that they don't always understand that they can be very intense. You are asking questions that many people who are less anxious/triggered wouldn't ask and if they did, would realize that they might not get a factual answer. My guess is that you want the factual answer because knowing exactly what is going on is soothing to you; however, most people would not be comfortable giving the factual answer.

My advice is to try de-personalize his resistance to saying exactly what he is doing. His resistance is not because he thinks you're so stupid that you would believe his answer;
instead, his resistance is due to a perfectly normal hesitance to talk about *that* particular topic. I'd take it as a positive that he fumbles with a stupid answer back, at least he isn't a smooth and experienced liar.

2. Since you do need some sort of certainty, you might talk with him and come up with a different term or phrase that he can say when he doesn't want to talk about private things. "It's none of your business" would come off to me as a hostile statement. If it were me, I'd go with "Just having a personal moment" or "Getting some Me time". But work out something between yourselves that will get you the info you need without pushing his limits of comfort.




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Originally Posted by SevenXII View Post
I do have a tendency to be paranoid about things, but that's more of a PTSD thing from childhood experiences. He knows about all of that. Things that are unusual will sometimes cause me to think the worst. So yes, every odd noise that happens around the house bothers me unless I figure out exactly what it was and where it came from. I do the same thing to my kids. They all know that I do this. It is not new.

The point is, if it's about privacy and feeling that it is none of my business then he can tell me that. I'm not demanding an explanation from him, I just want him to stop lying to me about it. I can handle a "None of your business" better than some crappy lie that's insulting because he believes that I'm dumb enough to believe it.

"If we hurt, we hurt others. If we love....guess what? Easy math, the basics, really. Add love, subtract anger, multiple kindness, divide suffering." Emerging Buddhist.
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post #54 of 127 (permalink) Old 07-04-2018, 09:42 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Why The Dishonesty?

This is helpful. Thank you! I haven't considered that I may be intense, but I will definitely keep that in mind. Your guess would be correct. Knowing exactly what is going on puts me at ease. When someone lies to me I get very anxious and that's when I get angry. I didn't figure the PTSD into it at all so thanks again for bringing it to my attention.

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OK, this makes more sense to me. You have some degree of an anxiety disorder (PTSD) IME people with anxiety to tend to experience things in an amplified manner, so the "fight or flight" instincts are triggered more easily than in less sensitive/anxious people. Your adrenal is turned up more frequently and for a longer duration than in less sensitive/anxious people. This would explain why you get jittery with odd noises, etc.

With the additional information, I have two thoughts for your consideration:

1. My experience working with higher-anxiety people is that they don't always understand that they can be very intense. You are asking questions that many people who are less anxious/triggered wouldn't ask and if they did, would realize that they might not get a factual answer. My guess is that you want the factual answer because knowing exactly what is going on is soothing to you; however, most people would not be comfortable giving the factual answer.

My advice is to try de-personalize his resistance to saying exactly what he is doing. His resistance is not because he thinks you're so stupid that you would believe his answer;
instead, his resistance is due to a perfectly normal hesitance to talk about *that* particular topic. I'd take it as a positive that he fumbles with a stupid answer back, at least he isn't a smooth and experienced liar.

2. Since you do need some sort of certainty, you might talk with him and come up with a different term or phrase that he can say when he doesn't want to talk about private things. "It's none of your business" would come off to me as a hostile statement. If it were me, I'd go with "Just having a personal moment" or "Getting some Me time". But work out something between yourselves that will get you the info you need without pushing his limits of comfort.


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post #55 of 127 (permalink) Old 07-04-2018, 09:43 PM
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Re: Why The Dishonesty?

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What mountain?

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I could be way off, I am just a stranger on the internet. But since you came here asking for advice, here it is.

Your question above is an example of the intensity that I am talking about.

It's just my experience, but I often interact with two people who have an anxiety disorder (one is PTSD and one is Generalized Anxiety Disorder); in both cases, they are nearly always turned up. It can be like talking with someone who is always talking loudly, but they don't know that they are talking loudly. It's like they can't modulate or miss certain social cues. Everything is always turned up; it can feel aggressive at times, even though there is no aggressive or ill intent at all.

In your case, it's like you don't see that asking if someone is masturbating is a socially awkward question. Just asking the question can be seen as hostile; as someone put it above, just asking if someone's hand is the cookie jar is the same as giving the side eye.


It's like someone asking a woman if she is changing a tampon or asking for the details of it. Most women, myself included, are not going to talk about it outside of very specific instances (like talking to a doctor or someone looking for guidance or advice.) It is not normal conversation.

So to most of us, the fact that your husband won't own up to rubbing one out is expected behavior. It is the molehill. The fact that you take it personally that he won't own up to is and you get upset is you making the mountain.

You don't see that you've made a mountain. You don't see that this level of questioning and your reaction is Turned Up. You don't view or experience it as Intense, probably because it is normal to you. To many of us, it can feel very intense.

"If we hurt, we hurt others. If we love....guess what? Easy math, the basics, really. Add love, subtract anger, multiple kindness, divide suffering." Emerging Buddhist.
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post #56 of 127 (permalink) Old 07-04-2018, 09:49 PM
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Re: Why The Dishonesty?

@SevenXII, I am glad my post helped. I am not writing about the Intensity factor to make you feel badly, but rather to help explain why others might react in certain ways. I lost a friendship with a lovely person who had high anxiety because I didn't understand some of her reactions, and I myself reacted badly.

It took me a while to put the pieces together and realize her Fight or Flight reactions, and I how I could have acted differently. However, I have been able to learn something from the experience and go on to have more successful relationships because of the knowledge I finally picked up.

So I don't know if this particular bit is helpful at all but I wanted to share it. I wish you the best!

"If we hurt, we hurt others. If we love....guess what? Easy math, the basics, really. Add love, subtract anger, multiple kindness, divide suffering." Emerging Buddhist.
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post #57 of 127 (permalink) Old 07-04-2018, 10:07 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Why The Dishonesty?

I think I'm beginning to understand it now. I understand that it is not normal conversation and all. I mean, I certainly wouldn't ask anyone else. I know that it is a socially awkward question which is why I just let it go for several years before we got married. I guess I just assumed that as a married couple we should be able to be honest about those things. I wasn't trying to have a conversation with him about it or anything. I just wanted him to stop lying about it unnecessarily, but I get that he probably just really doesn't feel comfortable with me bringing it up at all.

Quote:
Originally Posted by RoseAglow View Post
I could be way off, I am just a stranger on the internet. But since you came here asking for advice, here it is.

Your question above is an example of the intensity that I am talking about.

It's just my experience, but I often interact with two people who have an anxiety disorder (one is PTSD and one is Generalized Anxiety Disorder); in both cases, they are nearly always turned up. It can be like talking with someone who is always talking loudly, but they don't know that they are talking loudly. It's like they can't modulate or miss certain social cues. Everything is always turned up; it can feel aggressive at times, even though there is no aggressive or ill intent at all.

In your case, it's like you don't see that asking if someone is masturbating is a socially awkward question. Just asking the question can be seen as hostile; as someone put it above, just asking if someone's hand is the cookie jar is the same as giving the side eye.


It's like someone asking a woman if she is changing a tampon or asking for the details of it. Most women, myself included, are not going to talk about it outside of very specific instances (like talking to a doctor or someone looking for guidance or advice.) It is not normal conversation.

So to most of us, the fact that your husband won't own up to rubbing one out is expected behavior. It is the molehill. The fact that you take it personally that he won't own up to is and you get upset is you making the mountain.

You don't see that you've made a mountain. You don't see that this level of questioning and your reaction is Turned Up. You don't view or experience it as Intense, probably because it is normal to you. To many of us, it can feel very intense.


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post #58 of 127 (permalink) Old 07-04-2018, 10:09 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Why The Dishonesty?

I don't feel bad at all. I actually feel a bit better. Thanks!

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Originally Posted by RoseAglow View Post
@SevenXII, I am glad my post helped. I am not writing about the Intensity factor to make you feel badly, but rather to help explain why others might react in certain ways. I lost a friendship with a lovely person who had high anxiety because I didn't understand some of her reactions, and I myself reacted badly.

It took me a while to put the pieces together and realize her Fight or Flight reactions, and I how I could have acted differently. However, I have been able to learn something from the experience and go on to have more successful relationships because of the knowledge I finally picked up.

So I don't know if this particular bit is helpful at all but I wanted to share it. I wish you the best!


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post #59 of 127 (permalink) Old 07-04-2018, 11:29 PM
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Re: Why The Dishonesty?

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I hate the dishonesty. Not the masturbating. When he hides it from me and blatantly lies to me about it. That's what I hate.
In my opinion your husband has learned to be ashamed of his own sexual pleasure. When you are being together intimately he may be focused solely on you and struggling to enjoy himself in front of you.

Here is my suggestion. The fact he is hiding it and lying to you should just be a sign that he is struggling with shame. Nothing more and nothing less. Getting upset with his efforts to masturbate will only make things worse which will add lots of stress to your marriage.

While this may be difficult, you need to work on making your husband feel loved and accepted during his self exploration. Ask if there are ways you could encourage his self exploration that helps create more desire for him to be with you. An example might be to buy a jar of coconut oil at the grocery store and encourage him to enjoy self exploration with it. Ask him to imagine using coconut oil with you in creative ways and to imagine the ways it could enhance the ways you touch each other. Describe to him some things you might like to try with it, but insist he should spend some time imagining and exploring that on his own it first.

The idea is to work on letting go of shame and encourage a behavior that transforms into something positive in your marriage. While watching porn can be problematic (overstimulating and faked pleasure), try to have a conversation to explore ideas and ways of things you both approve of for use that enhances his self exploration. You want him to seeing you caring about his pleasure BOTH when you are together AND when he is alone.

Another thread on a similar topic was a husband that had a similar problem. As he and his wife worked through it he shared an fun story. She used aromatherapy to enhance his self exploration. She sprayed her favorite perfume onto a pair of sexy underwear. She hid it under his pillow along with a bottle of lotion and a love note for him to enjoy thinking of her while she was away. He woke up smelling her and was overwhelmed with excitement at the surprise she left for him to enjoy. :-)

Hopefully you and your husband can find similar way to transform this topic from frustration and arguments into something extremely positive and fun for the two of you.

Regards,
Badsanta
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post #60 of 127 (permalink) Old 07-05-2018, 02:44 AM
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Re: Why The Dishonesty?

I totally get where you are coming from...your issue is only with the lying. That's a legitimate complaint. I hate being lied too also.

When you have asked him, "Are you ok?" and he says, "yep, I'm fine" and you realize right then that you interrupted a session...try to let that roll off you. He's embarrassed, and he doesn't want to acknowledge it. Don't take it personal.

Ciao,

Spicy

Last edited by Spicy; 07-05-2018 at 07:39 AM.
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