Not to threadjack, but shortish answers:
^How long did it take you to figure it out, and divorce.
TOO long. 18 years to truly understand how much, by then, he actually despised me. Divorced after 25 years, but took me some time to prepare. I saw marriage as covenant with God. Kids insisted I leave while I was still alive--he had become more unstable when not in public, but ok mostly around others.
He did (unknowingly) teach me to take care of myself as everything from car repair to trips home from the hospital were on me. Doing the 'love me' dance, I became a gourmet cook, gardener, entertainer, managing to obtain HIGHER education, being still pretty decent to look at too. Most valuable to me is that I have never discussed this outside of counseling and I surrounded myself in a web of almost isolationist protection because I knew I would have been vulnerable to outside seductions.
Well now, NOT so shortish.
And in general, why do people do this type of stuff. How sick is that. Be is a man or woman that "Changes" their mind or whatever about sex AFTER marriage. It happens a lot.