Active sex life? I have a question for you... - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 54 (permalink) Old 12-28-2018, 09:16 AM
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Re: Active sex life? I have a question for you...

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56 & 61



About an hour every night between 10:30 and midnight. Usually the same on weekend mornings if there is nothing we need to get up to do.



Very well matched. I didn't know it could be this awesome.



With my ex, it was once a week. Like a duty. Good enough, but not awesome.


I want the first half of this post, I live in the second half


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post #17 of 54 (permalink) Old 12-28-2018, 09:20 AM
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Re: Active sex life? I have a question for you...

We're both early 40s, Normal for us is about an hour or so Friday, Saturday and Sunday and 2-3 times a week usually quicker on wee nights. Nights that both the kids are out of the house is much more of an event and usually goes multiple rounds and will include our massage table and other apparatus.
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post #18 of 54 (permalink) Old 12-28-2018, 09:47 AM
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Re: Active sex life? I have a question for you...

@Spicy, what would you say your main source of frustration is really? What I'm asking is, is it the frequency, quality or are you more frustrated by his attitude. Does he never initiate, is his attitude obvious that he isn't that into it?

Sometimes reading the sexual mismatch threads it seems to me the frustration becomes more the LD partners apparent lack of effort or enthusiasm that is really the problem so even having more sex won't help if the LDs attitude sucks and they let there disinterest be well known. If his attitude is part of your frustration that might be easier for him to work on than increasing his desire for more frequency. It won't necessarily help with you desire for more frequency but may help with some of the frustration.

I personally believe sexual desire can be a use it or lose it thing for some people. If they get into a low frequency pattern their desire drops to match that. Sometimes you need to recondition the brain to expect and desire sex more often. Has your husband always been LD even when he was younger?

Could you set a schedule, something like once or twice on the weekends with plenty of foreplay and buildup and then two quickies a week.

Or find an online HRT clinic and get him some testosterone therapy. That will change his attitude unless he has more going on mentally thats blocking his desire.
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post #19 of 54 (permalink) Old 12-28-2018, 10:13 AM
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Re: Active sex life? I have a question for you...

Our average age is now 60, and we've been together for 19 years. In the last year, we've slowed down some, mostly because of some health issues that are temporary and should be resolved in the next couple of months. We hope things will return to our normal (daily, or more) then. Even so, we still have sex 4 or 5 times a week, and sometimes - like last night - twice in an evening. We both initiate, but she may do so a little more often. Duration varies a lot - sometimes as little as 15 minutes, usually about a half hour, and occasionally more leisurely (or multiple round) sessions of an hour or so. Cuddling and foreplay can go on for an hour or two before that, if we are watching TV together, and we like to cuddle a half hour afterwards, much of the time, or just go to sleep.

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

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post #20 of 54 (permalink) Old 12-28-2018, 10:31 AM
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Re: Active sex life? I have a question for you...

I guess you will have to hate me as well. And I will say that I hesitate to post one these thread because I seem to upset lots of people.

Me - 54, her - 60, about 15 or so months together so it is not long term marriage, yet, still dating.

Usually at least once a day, but usually twice a day, morning and evening, and sometimes all day long, it just depends.

She is easily orgasmic, and multi orgasmic, or she is with me. She is over the moon with our sex life because I don't think that she was taken care of properly or had many husbands or lovers that were very good.

Frankly, even with my experience, and her relative lack of experience, she is one of the best if not the best I have ever had in my life. I am not sure if it is the depth of love, her being inactive for a while before meeting me, our ages or just our individual anatomy, I really have no idea.

I can say that she is like driving a sports car, put the gas peddle down and she goes.

One issue we have is that I like to have sex for a long time, an hour is usually good for me, but if she is not really rested and ready for that, she really gets too tired sometimes.

And I understand that not all woman can go that long every time and I have adjusted and worked to be able to finish sooner so she is not exhausted too badly afterwards.

It is something that we are working on.

But my question to you @Spicy, is why not just attack your H and tie him up and have your way with him.

That may work...
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post #21 of 54 (permalink) Old 12-28-2018, 10:47 AM
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Re: Active sex life? I have a question for you...

When I was married in my late 30's it was a few times a week and it was probably only about 15 minutes on average and really boring. We just fell into a rut and didn't put in the effort with each other.

With my current GF, it really depends on how much we get to see each other (we both have kids). As far as how long it takes also depends. If we are so turned on that we can't keep our hands off each other it could be a quickie in the back seat of the car. But it could also be a tantric episode that lasts for hours. I really don't know how long it lasts because we get lost in each other and time flows differently.

I don't do second place
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post #22 of 54 (permalink) Old 12-28-2018, 12:04 PM
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Re: Active sex life? I have a question for you...

I think that we fit your profile: We are both 64, and have a fairly active sex life, we average about once every other day. We would do it more often, but at our age, hip joints and knees need a little longer for recovery. We have never had the discussion as to who has the higher drive, but at this time I would say it is equal.

As to the second part of the question, we take our time. (We have it) Pre-foreplay, we sit with one another, have cocktails, and/or a smoke (cigar, joint etc). We talk and laugh, then we go upstairs. Once down to it, I have never timed us. I can sort of estimate, that it takes about 40 minutes to an hour or so.

Say what you think and do what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.-Dr. Seuss
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post #23 of 54 (permalink) Old 12-28-2018, 12:28 PM
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I like @2ntnuf's question about carnal desire. Which I also think may be related to testosterone levels.

Has he always been at this level of sexual desire or has it dropped? If it's dropped then there could be a reason. If it's always been this way then it's probably not going to change much as the ball is in his court.

You hinted at the fact that your husband can be finished in 60 seconds. This together with your attempts to improve the frequency of sex might make him feel a little insecure in his abilities to please you now.

I went through a stage of talking about our sex life in an attempt to improve things for myself but it's had little effect and may have made things worse.

I don't think I'm going to make you jealous with our frequency.
We are just in our 50s now with teens at home so we have a few morning quickies midweek and maybe once at the weekend. Very rarely at night. Once a week we get a couple of hours in an evening when the kids are out and we can play properly for my pleasure and attempt to reach orgasm for me. We both used to be very HD for a long time before reducing to this level though.
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post #24 of 54 (permalink) Old 12-28-2018, 01:08 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Active sex life? I have a question for you...

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I may be asking the obvious but has he had his testosterone levels checked?
Would he have any objections to using viagra or similar substances?
You will build more and more resentment if your needs arenít being met and do you really want to look back in a few years and regret all the sex you have missed out on.
I canít offer any real advice because to me this is baffling,why any man who has a willing partner doesnít have sex at every opportunity.I know guys that would love to be in his shoes.(Or bed)
We did have it checked a few years ago, and it was boarderline, so we should check it again. I think he will. He is game for a Viagra trial, should we get it just for fun?? I can Get him off no prob, but I would love to play with some rock hard meat for a while myself. That would be epic. Is that what you are suggesting it for? What might we be able to do with it?

Ciao,

Spicy
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post #25 of 54 (permalink) Old 12-28-2018, 01:31 PM
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Re: Active sex life? I have a question for you...

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Yes, Iíve told him everything. It feels like we have talked it to death.

Being more aggressive is one of the things I am working on.
Be careful!

Use motion, not words.

A woman's words sting....men.

They hear the words, they flee them.

Use your hands and your lips.... quietly.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out. The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall.
The Host, Rd is ill, any years left, remain now, in doubt? Red Dog is now lost to us.
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post #26 of 54 (permalink) Old 12-28-2018, 01:55 PM
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Re: Active sex life? I have a question for you...

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We did have it checked a few years ago, and it was boarderline, so we should check it again. I think he will. He is game for a Viagra trial, should we get it just for fun?? I can Get him off no prob, but I would love to play with some rock hard meat for a while myself. That would be epic. Is that what you are suggesting it for? What might we be able to do with it?
Ok this may be the problem...

Some doctors take a really weak approach to treating T levels.

So lets say that he is 50, so the doc says, well you are borderline for a 50 YO.... No sir, **** THAT...

I want the T levels I had in my 30's, I am not going to settle for oh you are close enough, I want them high like they always have been.

Get a doc that is aggressive... The gel never worked well for me, so my doc put me on shots. I go in every three weeks, get a nice big fat shot and my levels are fine, in the 600's.

It literally takes less than 30 min and I am in and out. It is not a problem, and all the girls in the office love me and think it is "cute" that an "Old guy" gets laid this much...

Find the right doc, and don't let him feel or say that he is "not a man" if he has to take T shots or any of that crap... Just do it.

The shots work MUCH better than anything else... With my copay I think it costs 30 a month...

Oh and the V part... Both V and Cialis are generic now, so if he has any issues with this at all, taking it will allow him NOT TO WORRY ABOUT HIS PERFORANCE at all.

In fact, having no worries allows men to take their time in a lot of ways, I also helps them last longer as well, you can stop and start as you need to and it is not an issue...

So yes, it may help him not worry as much and make it more fun for him...

Same thing goes for this as it does for T shots, it is just silly to not be where you used to be if the science allows you to perform like a 30 YO...

Last edited by BluesPower; 12-28-2018 at 01:59 PM.
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post #27 of 54 (permalink) Old 12-28-2018, 02:38 PM
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Re: Active sex life? I have a question for you...

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So my H and I are in a LD/HD mismatch but are very in love...

...... my question is:

For those of you in the 30-60ish range, LTR/M that have active sex lives (multiple times a week) how much time a week do you spend getting it on? Give me an idea of what a sample snapshot of a week is like for you.
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Yes, I’ve told him everything. It feels like we have talked it to death.

Being more aggressive is one of the things I am working on.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Spicy View Post
We did have it checked a few years ago, and it was boarderline, so we should check it again. I think he will. He is game for a Viagra trial, should we get it just for fun?? I can Get him off no prob, but I would love to play with some rock hard meat for a while myself. That would be epic. Is that what you are suggesting it for? What might we be able to do with it?
OK to answer your questions: I am HD and 70, W is LD 69. She has a number of body self image issues, which get in the way. Been married 47+ years.

Sex with W: usually weekend morning, about an hour, multiple O's for her, one for me. Also either a Wednesday or Thursday morning also about an hour, about half the time multiple 0's for her, and one for me.

Sex with M: masturbate several mornings a week.

Now to address a few things. If you need more than he can provide, try self love. Since you and he talk freely, tell him that you would like him to hold you while you take care of things. It can be a special time together.

Since you talk freely find out if there is any role playing or sex-like things the two of you can do, that he wouldn't consider as sex, but that you would. The mind is the biggest sex organ and can be easily fooled in and LTR as your partner knows you very well.

As to Low T, well that has lots and lots of implications. Low T levels often result in loss of muscle mass, being chronically tired, low bone density, and low libido. HRT is much more than a libido thing. If it is low, it can be a quality of life thing. That is what your H and his doctor should really focus on. As to recreational sex drugs. Unless he has a medical or mental problem with sex, I would suggest that the two of you not dabble in that.

If you want to read and gain some insights into you and your H's sexuality, may I suggest you get a copy of David Schnarch's book Intimacy and Desire. You will learn that the low desire partner controls the frequency and style of sex. That the LD partner control's the HD partner's sense of worth. That there is self-validated and other (partner) validated sexual desire and that people tend to play mental games with each other based on our need to be emotionally validated by our partner. This need to partner emotional validation also is based on weakness or lack of emotional growth within ourselves. Not everything Schnarch writes about is true for all couples, but he has some insights that tend to knock most people for a loop and force them to do some serious introspection about why sex is so important to them, what intimacy really means, etc.

Good luck.

P.S. Seriously envious of all of you who are mating like bunny rabbits.
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post #28 of 54 (permalink) Old 12-28-2018, 03:22 PM
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Re: Active sex life? I have a question for you...

I have been married for over a decade, and i also have a girlfriend...

Early 30s. The polyamory might not fit your profile... Up to you to decide. I only mention it to say that my total time having sex each day is not the same as my wifes.

Sessions with my wife usually last between 15 minutes to half an hour before she is too exhausted to continue. We usually have sex twice a day when i am home.

So, half an hour a day to an hour a day having sex with my wife.

"I am the wiser in respect to all knowledges, and the better qualified for all fortunes, for knowing that there is a minnow in the brook." -Henry David Thoreau

Last edited by As'laDain; 12-28-2018 at 03:33 PM.
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post #29 of 54 (permalink) Old 12-28-2018, 03:42 PM
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Re: Active sex life? I have a question for you...

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We did have it checked a few years ago, and it was boarderline, so we should check it again. I think he will. He is game for a Viagra trial, should we get it just for fun?? I can Get him off no prob, but I would love to play with some rock hard meat for a while myself. That would be epic. Is that what you are suggesting it for? What might we be able to do with it?
Thatís what viagra is for,getting and sustaining an erection for longer.Some men who donít need it to get an erection,they use it so they can last longer.
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post #30 of 54 (permalink) Old 12-28-2018, 04:25 PM
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Re: Active sex life? I have a question for you...

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Yes, I’ve told him everything. It feels like we have talked it to death.

Being more aggressive is one of the things I am working on.
Well I really can't speak much to this as any interest from my wife is pretty much enough for me. But I do understand with life and work sometimes it's hard to find the time where one of you is not tired or your mind is somewhere else.

I am sure I am not telling you something you don't already know.

It is interesting though when you read about folks in affairs how hyper-sexual they get. Doesn't seem to work that way in marriage much though. Not sure why that is. You would thing that would be the goal of both spouses. Maybe it's something about not having the freedom to act that way because of ones commitment. Meaning it's more about the restrictions and stuff.

I remember once when I was 17 I really liked this women who was my supervisor at a job I had, but she was in her early 20s. I pursued and pursued and she kept telling me that though she liked me she wasn't interested because of how young I was. Eventually enough persistence and she just admitted she liked me one night. By the way I should say I pursued her by like leaving notes at her desk, flirting with her about her how pretty I thought she was, how lucky the guys were who were dating her. She never once said to stop, she just kind of dismissed me like I was a kid (Oh you are a sweet kid, one day you are going to make some girl very lucky but it can't be me) type of stuff. Eventually though as I could tell she was attracted to me and I got her to admit it and then all bets were off. That may have been the most intense early in the relationship experience I ever had. I always relate this to how affairs must feel. Part of my excitement of the whole thing was the pursuit, the challenge and the success. I remember being shocked that it happened.

Here is the thing with that. The whole thing was like a match, meaning it sparked very bright but was over for me very quickly. In about 3 months time I realized I didn't really like her besides being attracted to her and then had to admit to that to her. To this day I still feel very bad about that. My excuse was this was the first girl I ever had the guts enough to pursue that way and I had no idea the difference between lust and real feelings. She was very hurt though.

I guess I say all that to say if you could figure out a way to get your husband to feel that intensity. My point is a lot of that was a trick my mind was playing on me, which is not to say in the right context that would be a bad thing. Not sure what that is but if you could find the thing that turns him on and play with that, that might get him into it more. That is what I mean by seduction.

He must have some things right? It's hard to speak to that is I can only speak for myself. Also I don't feel really comfortable saying much more about this to a stranger on we board or really anyone other then my wife. I reserve that for her.

You hear all the time that the BS has to eat a **** sandwich, but most of the time the WS -- IS the **** sandwich.

Last edited by sokillme; 12-28-2018 at 04:31 PM.
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