Wifes sex drive after kids is non existant.... complicated past effecting it? - Page 5 - Talk About Marriage
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post #61 of 182 (permalink) Old 01-10-2019, 12:48 PM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by FieryHairedLady View Post
I forgot to mention this in my last post, but if your wife feels emotionally close to you, and confidant in your love for her and the relationship, she (should) want to be intimate with you. Maybe not every day, multiple times a day, but a few times a week.
It USE to be like that for years!! Nothing started changing until after our 1st was born and then it snowballed from there.... like I said in one of my previous comments her drive use to be equal or higher than mine until that moment in our lives...
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post #62 of 182 (permalink) Old 01-10-2019, 12:50 PM
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Re: Wifes sex drive after kids is non existant.... complicated past effecting it?

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I'm not looking for a different " kitten " I can get my rocks off by myself if that's the goal. What I want is the passion and connection that I once had with my wife.
The only way you stand a chance of regaining that with your wife is to risk losing her.

No risk. No gain.
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post #63 of 182 (permalink) Old 01-10-2019, 12:59 PM
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Re: Wifes sex drive after kids is non existant.... complicated past effecting it?

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I'm not looking for a different " kitten " I can get my rocks off by myself if that's the goal. What I want is the passion and connection that I once had with my wife.
Extremely unlikely that you will get that before the last kid leaves the house. And if you constantly whine and moan between now and then, you probably won't ever get that back with you current wife. Not what you want to hear. Stinks. But that is where you are. You want to be at Daytona Beach on spring break. But you are at a staff meeting at the office and you have to get back to work. I know retirement seems a long way off, but you will never get there if you spend all day dreaming about it and stop doing your job.

The standard advice applies. Rock things at work. Hit the gym - hard. Dress nice. Wear cologne. If your wife notices and starts to offer more sex as a way to "up her game" and defend her territory - great. If she doesn't, then you can rest assured that there is most likely nothing you can do to get the prior version of her back. Only you can decide whether you want to stay married if it becomes clear that the prior version of her is never coming back.

When you can see it coming, duck!
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post #64 of 182 (permalink) Old 01-10-2019, 01:28 PM
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Re: Wifes sex drive after kids is non existant.... complicated past effecting it?

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Children, that is why<a href="https://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/smilies/smile.gif" border="0" alt="" title="Smile" >:-)</a>

Right now she thinks she can maintain your presence if she gives it up once every month or two. Stop letting her think that at all times.
I'm not sure what other hints to really drop that won't result in an argument... I already I know for a fact if it doesn't happen before 430p.m. when the kids are sleeping there's no way it's gonna happen the rest of day because she is too tired at night and any conversation asking about it will result in a fight...[/QUOTE]

There's a lot going on here and I'm late to the game but I'm going to give you some advice as I kind of know were you're at. I'm going to focus on the sex part for now.

First, and most important, what is going on inside your wife's head is very complicated. She is a working mom with 2 very small kids. She feels pressure self inflicted or not to be the perfect mom and still be the perfect career woman and the perfect wife. No person can be all these perfectly and most of the sacrifice is coming out of the perfect wife part. Besides the physical exhaustion there is complete mental exhaustion and to maintain sanity she needs to shut it down completely at some point in the day.

Second, this is very normal, it is. Many couples go through this after having kids. I would venture to say this is the rule more than the exception. You may be a bit of an extreme example but still within the normal situation.

It is great that you do so much to try and take the pressure off her, but there is reasons why it isn't having success. The stress and pressure aren't coming from these household duties themselves, the stress is coming from her. I'm going to guess that many times when she gets home after you've been cleaning and stuff she cleans some more or if you were cooking she will do some stuff to add onto the food prep or set the table or whatever. She is compelled to do this even though it's not needed because it's part of her drive to be the perfect mom/wife in her mind. You doing this stuff might even be causing her more stress as she might see the fact you took care of it as a failure on her part. Like I said this is complicated and you can't look at it logically.

To be honest getting over these self inflicted stresses counseling is often needed. She needs to learn and decide for herself that perfection is a ridiculous standard and finding the appropriate balance is what she needs to do.

So the conversation you should be having should be more like, You telling her you see how exhausted and stressed she is, you're willing to do whatever is needed to help reduce the stress and exhaustion but you can't figure out how to help. The current situation has had a very serious negative impact on your relationship and you have to work together to bring it back to more of a marriage than roommates. Tell her you are going to find a good counselor for her to talk to individually and someone to see as a couple to help you both with this. Ask her describe to you exactly what is going on in her head, ask this knowing the answer will be vague and won't be much because she really doesn't know she just knows she is in a funk. This is why she needs the counseling and you need marriage counseling so you can learn how to support each other.

Really dig in here, let her know you are equally concerned for her and your marriage. She should leave this conversation fully understanding the marriage will not work like this forever and you are willing to do whatever it takes to fix it, but she needs to put in work also. This is tough and will likely leave her feeling a little stressed. You don't want to come off like you're attacking her and saying it's all her fault, it's normal for couples to go through this but there is a way to fix it. But she needs to be motivated to put in the work.

Couple more things, Date night once a month is not enough, make it weekly. Also settle on together time in the evening, not TV or devices just the two of you sitting and talking, this could be going to bed a little early and talking in bed or just sitting on the sofa, facing each other. Also initiate affection often, walk up and hug her from behind kiss her while you're washing the dishes whatever, just do it, do it often, I'm a big fan of a slap on the butt every now and then to let her know you mean business.

And start working out, lose the 40 lbs. If you're the one doing the cooking start making good healthy foods. Personally I am into fitness and have always maintain a fit body, a few months ago I went vegetarian and now I'm back to a ripped six pack at 41.

I have been were you are, not as bad as once every couple of months, but we went from 5-7 times a week to once and a major drop in general affection. We did counseling and had the talks and implemented a lot of the stuff I have put here.

Last, after you have done a good job with most of this work book a vacation for you and your wife. A second honeymoon type of vacation, somewhere that screams destress and rest. When my daughter hit about 18 months we lined up the grandparents for a week and took off to the Caribbean for a week. There was no agenda except to relax and recharge the batteries. There was no expectation of lots of sex or anything, we were just going to enjoy time together. Well I would estimate that in the 6 full days we were gone we had sex 25 times, and besides the sex were all over each other the entire time I probably got her off using my hand just lying on the bed under our beach umbrella 10-15 times, it was non stop. That trip was the start of our new us centric marriage. Now we are back to an average of probably 4-5 times a week and when we go away just the two of us which is probably 3-4 times a year its multiple times a day.

There is a way back, it takes hard work, patience, understanding, help, and most importantly teamwork. Right now it seems impossible but it is not.

As to the other stuff with your friend and the past, forget it, let it go, it's small potatoes in the grand scheme of things.

The work trip issues, this board has a lot of people who have been cheated on so thats is the go to no matter what, it's understandable. What happened is she stopped being mommy for a bit, this could actually be good news for you because that fun loving and living person is still in there. I'm not telling you to ignore anything if you have real reason to think something was up, but limited contact doesn't immediately mean cheating.

Thats my 2 cents.
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post #65 of 182 (permalink) Old 01-10-2019, 01:30 PM
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Re: Wifes sex drive after kids is non existant.... complicated past effecting it?

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I'm not looking for a different " kitten " I can get my rocks off by myself if that's the goal. What I want is the passion and connection that I once had with my wife.

That passion and connection that you once had with your wife was a product of sex. For you. For your wife, it likely was not a product of sex. Rather, for her, sex was a product of that passion and - mostly - that connection.

As much as sex is important to how you feel about your wife emotionally, emotional connection is just as vital to how your wife feels about you sexually. From the way you've described your marriage, I'm guessing that the real emotional connection - fun, non-sexual affection, quality time together doing date-like things, conversation, laughter, etc. - is sorely lacking.

More sex will bring back the emotional connection. For you. But it's unlikely to do that for your wife. She likely needs the emotional connection in order to want to have sex with you. So, just having more sex won't make the marriage any better for her, she'll just be doing it to keep you happy or to keep you quiet. Which is why it won't be a lasting improvement. If you really want your marriage to be better for both of you, and your wife to actually want to have sex with you, you two need to work on the marriage as a whole, both the emotional and sexual aspects.

If any of that is news to you, then I recommend you read His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley and The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.

You'll find that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly upon our own point of view. - Obi Wan Kenobi
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post #66 of 182 (permalink) Old 01-10-2019, 01:50 PM
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Re: Wifes sex drive after kids is non existant.... complicated past effecting it?

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Yes I believe that mention earlier to somebody else's that us getting out of the house is very tough besides that once a month date dinner night we go on.... I can work on finding someone to watch the kids more frequently so we get more together time....
When we had young kids, our rule was to try to finish up everything important before we put the kids to bed, which we did at 7:00 PM and then later 8:00 PM every night. That gave us time together almost every night to connect. We didn't go out. We didn't do anything fancy. It was usually just sex or a shared TV show or something. We virtually never had date nights - too cheap to hire a sitter and no family nearby, but we never missed it because we spent so many evenings together.
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post #67 of 182 (permalink) Old 01-10-2019, 01:57 PM
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Re: Wifes sex drive after kids is non existant.... complicated past effecting it?

@EleGirl is well versed in the whole dating your wife thing, but basically couples need to spend something like 15 hours per week together.

If you can afford to, or can swap nights with another couple. Once a week. 3-4 hours. Make it fun. If you are budget conscious, find some stuff to do in town that is not as expensive, plan a picnic. Walk around downtown "window shopping", bowl, kayak, try roller skating, bike rides.

See if the doc can help the kid with the nightmares.

Ideally you should have 2 hours before bedtime to reconnect with her. Kids in bed at 7, you in bed at 9.

Old kittys, young kittens, etc. I like what @oldshirt was getting at and it is true when we have very young kids in the house, we focus on them more. But this is why we need to MAKE time for the adults to have couple time. But the romance doesn't need to die. It needs to be rekindled.

I am 44 and love giving my hubby all kinds of attention. Our youngest is 6 and when he was a baby, baby, it was harder. Now that our kid is more able to play by himself and entertain himself for longer periods of time it is nice.

We kiss, hold hands, hug, sex, talk, hang out, go on date nights. We spend his lunch break together.

Make more time for each other. Try some fun board games at home, or even play video games together. Make it fun.

I have to add in here that my hubby treats me great, makes me feel beautiful every day, and is emotionally attentive, so lets just say I am down for whatever he wants, whenever he wants, time permitting.
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post #68 of 182 (permalink) Old 01-10-2019, 01:59 PM
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Re: Wifes sex drive after kids is non existant.... complicated past effecting it?

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Originally Posted by Ragnar Ragnasson View Post
Her "it bothers me too much if the house isn't perfect" is an excuse, or at best a pattern you must firmly break.
You make it sound like it is natural for sex to be an obligation for her and that the goal should be for her to fulfill her duty more often. That's not a very satisfying way to live. I don't think the problem is that he needs to convince his wife that she needs to have sex with him more often. They need to resolve the issue that keeps her from wanting to have sex with him. No sexual solution that isn't mutually satisfying is likely to last.
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post #69 of 182 (permalink) Old 01-10-2019, 02:06 PM
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Re: Wifes sex drive after kids is non existant.... complicated past effecting it?

Another option, if she's interested, is to have her switch to being a SAHM. That removes the work stress. It can replace it with financial stress if you aren't careful. My wife wanted to be SAHM for the kids and it worked out great for us. Plus, she was often starved for adult company when I got home, so I got lots of attention (occasionally more than I wanted after a long day at work). I know it isn't a popular option now, but it worked our great for us. I think the career advantage I had from all the assistance she provided in my life was important to my success. Over half of the male execs I know had non-career spouses.
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post #70 of 182 (permalink) Old 01-10-2019, 02:07 PM
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Re: Wifes sex drive after kids is non existant.... complicated past effecting it?

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When we had young kids, our rule was to try to finish up everything important before we put the kids to bed, which we did at 7:00 PM and then later 8:00 PM every night. That gave us time together almost every night to connect. We didn't go out. We didn't do anything fancy. It was usually just sex or a shared TV show or something. We virtually never had date nights - too cheap to hire a sitter and no family nearby, but we never missed it because we spent so many evenings together.
Enforcing a set bedtime is the single most important thing to do when having kids.
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post #71 of 182 (permalink) Old 01-10-2019, 02:23 PM Thread Starter
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When we had young kids, our rule was to try to finish up everything important before we put the kids to bed, which we did at 7:00 PM and then later 8:00 PM every night. That gave us time together almost every night to connect. We didn't go out. We didn't do anything fancy. It was usually just sex or a shared TV show or something. We virtually never had date nights - too cheap to hire a sitter and no family nearby, but we never missed it because we spent so many evenings together.
Enforcing a set bedtime is the single most important thing to do when having kids.
I would agree I wouldn't know as our kids never seem to fall asleep and when they do they are awake 2 hours or sooner waking us up
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post #72 of 182 (permalink) Old 01-10-2019, 02:26 PM
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Re: Wifes sex drive after kids is non existant.... complicated past effecting it?

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That passion and connection that you once had with your wife was a product of sex. For you. For your wife, it likely was not a product of sex. Rather, for her, sex was a product of that passion and - mostly - that connection.

As much as sex is important to how you feel about your wife emotionally, emotional connection is just as vital to how your wife feels about you sexually. From the way you've described your marriage, I'm guessing that the real emotional connection - fun, non-sexual affection, quality time together doing date-like things, conversation, laughter, etc. - is sorely lacking.

More sex will bring back the emotional connection. For you. But it's unlikely to do that for your wife. She likely needs the emotional connection in order to want to have sex with you. So, just having more sex won't make the marriage any better for her, she'll just be doing it to keep you happy or to keep you quiet. Which is why it won't be a lasting improvement. If you really want your marriage to be better for both of you, and your wife to actually want to have sex with you, you two need to work on the marriage as a whole, both the emotional and sexual aspects.

If any of that is news to you, then I recommend you read His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley and The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.
This is on the one hand true and on the other total BS <g>.

When is the last time you heard of a women going from "all you think of is sex" to wanting to have sex with her husband on a really regular basis because he tried to pay more attention as you describe. Maybe after many sessions with a third party involved. Never based on efforts by hubby.

Ask her what she needs and the most likely answer is "I don't know". Which is why I s said earlier "Sex for (Not all, some?, many?) women after children is largely mental, they can think their way into it if they choose to". Some time with a third party talking to both sides + some actions along your suggested lines may get her to the point where she does choose to.
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post #73 of 182 (permalink) Old 01-10-2019, 03:01 PM
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Re: Wifes sex drive after kids is non existant.... complicated past effecting it?

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Another option, if she's interested, is to have her switch to being a SAHM. That removes the work stress. It can replace it with financial stress if you aren't careful. My wife wanted to be SAHM for the kids and it worked out great for us. Plus, she was often starved for adult company when I got home, so I got lots of attention (occasionally more than I wanted after a long day at work). I know it isn't a popular option now, but it worked our great for us. I think the career advantage I had from all the assistance she provided in my life was important to my success. Over half of the male execs I know had non-career spouses.
I agree. I am a SAHM too. It is not always feasible financially for everyone though.
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post #74 of 182 (permalink) Old 01-10-2019, 03:16 PM Thread Starter
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Another option, if she's interested, is to have her switch to being a SAHM. That removes the work stress. It can replace it with financial stress if you aren't careful. My wife wanted to be SAHM for the kids and it worked out great for us. Plus, she was often starved for adult company when I got home, so I got lots of attention (occasionally more than I wanted after a long day at work). I know it isn't a popular option now, but it worked our great for us. I think the career advantage I had from all the assistance she provided in my life was important to my success. Over half of the male execs I know had non-career spouses.
I agree. I am a SAHM too. It is not always feasible financially for everyone though.
Not really an option for us and I don't think she would want to stop her job she enjoys it quite a lot
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post #75 of 182 (permalink) Old 01-10-2019, 03:51 PM
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Re: Wifes sex drive after kids is non existant.... complicated past effecting it?

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Enforcing a set bedtime is the single most important thing to do when having kids.
Amen to that.

And during busy schedules if it becomes necessary to schedule in expected times for intimacy then do so. That often greatly reduces expectations anxiety for both partners.

Mom and Dad need husband and wife time to keep that closeness that very often is the gateway to better communication and reinforcing their love for each other.
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