Sex every day - Page 6 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #76 of 158 (permalink) Old 01-24-2019, 12:13 PM
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Re: Sex every day

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Originally Posted by NobodySpecial View Post
It does read that way. That's why what looks like the well if you aren't getting laid enough there are other women out there advice seems weird on this thread.
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@Frozen001 if the compromise which your wife has reached with you, isn't enough to satiate your wants and she isn't willing to share more with you. Then the reality is the only way you are going to get those desires met, is by being with another woman or other women. Either after separating pending a divorce and or getting a divorce. Or on the side through sexual infidelity, if you're fine with doing it that way.
Given that I agree with what @StarFires wrote. I think it is likely he will not get to share more or much more sex with his wife. That being the case, since @Frozen001 isn't satisfied with a frequency of 3x a week, and less during menstruation. He is left with little option other than to seek it elsewhere if he wants to satiate his desires. Which is why another women or other women are likely to be the only way he will get a lot more sex as the normal thing.

Of which on the side can potentially achieved via consensual non-monogamy, agreement with his wife, and the like etc. Just as not on the side can be done via the dissolution of their marriage. Whether he chooses to avail himself of any of those options or not, is entirely up to him.

Yet while ever most of us are in agreement. That his wanting more with his wife, is not likely to see fruition without heaping spoonfuls of resentment into the mix. Considering that, if he wants his desires fulfilled, the reality is others are probably the only way it's going to happen.
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post #77 of 158 (permalink) Old 01-24-2019, 12:22 PM
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Re: Sex every day

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Hmmm, so if he puts his wife first he will have less sex than 3x a week. While if his wife puts him first he will have sex everyday each week. any compromise would see a situation where one or both are not putting the other first.

Glib statements on putting the each other first, immediately fall apart in the face of one, or both reaching a compromise or both not compromising at all.

At the end of the day mutual compromise sees a situation where neither can really put the other first. While if one chooses to compromise alone, the other by default certainly can't put the other first either.

Such suggestions though often proffered, are for the most part worthless for they ignore reality.

Compromise in relationships can often be very helpful. Yet it is a misnomer to conflate the goal of putting another first, with the goal of seeking compromise.
She seem happy to have sex 3 times a week. Its more than the average for a married couple.
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post #78 of 158 (permalink) Old 01-24-2019, 12:32 PM
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Re: Sex every day

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She seem happy to have sex 3 times a week. Its more than the average for a married couple.
Yes she does, yet he isn't happy with that.

So by only doing that, she isn't putting him first at all.

Likewise with him wanting more, he also isn't putting her first at all either.

Meeting in the middle doesn't put either of them first.

While one of them putting the other first, always does so at the expense of the other not being put first.

It's that simple.

That's why it's nonsense to claim that putting each other first, can be achieved via compromise or acquiescing to the other.

Last edited by Personal; 01-24-2019 at 12:40 PM.
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post #79 of 158 (permalink) Old 01-24-2019, 12:52 PM
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Re: Sex every day

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Yes she does, yet he isn't happy with that.

So by only doing that, she isn't putting him first at all.

Likewise with him wanting more, he also isn't putting her first at all either.

Meeting in the middle doesn't put either of them first.

While one of them putting the other first, always does so at the expense of the other not being put first.

It's that simple.

That's why it's nonsense to claim that putting each other first, can be achieved via compromise or acquiescing to the other.
I no longer have any idea what you are advising.
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post #80 of 158 (permalink) Old 01-24-2019, 01:04 PM
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Re: Sex every day

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I no longer have any idea what you are advising.
@Diana7 was saying that the OP and his wife, ought to put each other first.

I was just pointing out the flaw in her suggestion, that putting each other first can ever be achieved. When they both want conflicting outcomes.
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post #81 of 158 (permalink) Old 01-24-2019, 01:09 PM
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A man who cheats because he only gets sex 3 times a year is still wrong, but he has my sympathy. A man who cheats because hes only getting sex 3 times a week is disgusting. As is anyone who suggests he cheat because he is only getting sex 3 times a week.
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post #82 of 158 (permalink) Old 01-24-2019, 01:10 PM
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Re: Sex every day

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Yes she does, yet he isn't happy with that.

So she isn't putting him first at all, in only being willing to do that.

While he also isn't putting her first at all, in wanting her to do more than that.

Meeting in the middle doesn't put either of them first.

While one of them putting the other first, always does so at the expense of the other not being put first.

It's that simple.

That's why it's nonsense to claim that putting each other first, can be achieved via compromise or acquiescing to the other.
It doesn't have to be a sum-zero game like that. I really don't think it is. I tend to lean toward Dr. Harley's Policy of Joint Agreement, in which putting each other first is a committed state of mind. A husband putting his wife first means his desire is her happiness. A wife putting her husband first means her desire is his happiness. While that could, and probably sometimes does, turn out as one having to acquiesce, the aim is the joy derived from the other person's happiness, which makes each of them happy. Conversely, a person can't find joy in the unhappiness they cause the other. So, it's a win/win proposition, not win/lose.

He's not acquiescing since sex every single day is hardly anything a person actually needs. He's just being gratuitous unless he has some kind of addiction to sex, which it's evident that he doesn't. If they both wanted that, it would be different. Since she doesn't want what is obviously taxing on her and possibly making her feel demeaned, it's not a matter of him having to acquiesce. It's a matter of him NOT wanting her to be unhappy because that should, by virtue of the principle, cause him to be unhappy. The result being his unhappiness in getting what he wants.

You're saying he is unhappy in not getting what he wants due to having to acquiesce to her.

I'm saying forcing her into what she doesn't want to do is what should be the cause of his unhappiness.
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post #83 of 158 (permalink) Old 01-24-2019, 01:14 PM
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Re: Sex every day

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@Diana7 was saying that the OP and his wife, ought to put each other first.

I was just pointing out the flaw in her suggestion, that putting each other first can ever be achieved. When they both want conflicting outcomes.
I guess it depends. In theory, let's say his W could put the OP first by agreeing to have sex every day. As a compromise, the OP could agree to put his W first for something separate that she wants . I do agree that both cannot put each other first over the same scenario if their wants are different.
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post #84 of 158 (permalink) Old 01-24-2019, 01:15 PM
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Re: Sex every day

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Originally Posted by StarFires View Post
It doesn't have to be a sum-zero game like that. I really don't think it is. I tend to lean toward Dr. Harley's Policy of Joint Agreement, in which putting each other first is a committed state of mind. A husband putting his wife first means his desire is her happiness. A wife putting her husband first means her desire is his happiness. While that could, and probably sometimes does, turn out as one having to acquiesce, the aim is the joy derived from the other person's happiness, which makes each of them happy. Conversely, a person can't find joy in the unhappiness they cause the other. So, it's a win/win proposition, not win/lose.

He's not acquiescing since sex every single day is hardly anything a person actually needs. He's just being gratuitous unless he has some kind of addiction to sex, which it's evident that he doesn't. If they both wanted that, it would be different. Since she doesn't want what is obviously taxing on her and possibly making her feel demeaned, it's not a matter of him having to acquiesce. It's a matter of him NOT wanting her to be unhappy because that should, by virtue of the principle, cause him to be unhappy. The result being his unhappiness in getting what he wants.

You're saying he is unhappy in not getting what he wants due to having to acquiesce to her.

I'm saying forcing her into what she doesn't want to do is what should be the cause of his unhappiness.

Yah I think the idea that less than x times per week is a starvation ration is hyperbole.
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post #85 of 158 (permalink) Old 01-24-2019, 01:20 PM
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Re: Sex every day

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Yes she does, yet he isn't happy with that.

So by only doing that, she isn't putting him first at all.

Likewise with him wanting more, he also isn't putting her first at all either.

Meeting in the middle doesn't put either of them first.

While one of them putting the other first, always does so at the expense of the other not being put first.

It's that simple.

That's why it's nonsense to claim that putting each other first, can be achieved via compromise or acquiescing to the other.
I find that compromise and unselfishness works.
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post #86 of 158 (permalink) Old 01-24-2019, 01:29 PM
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Re: Sex every day

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Yah I think the idea that less than x times per week is a starvation ration is hyperbole.
I get that and I've basically agreed 3 times is a decent compromise. However, I do need to interject here that the cavalier way his desires are so easily dismissed by female responses (Starfire just verbalized it but it comes across often in these discussions) just grates. A lot.
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post #87 of 158 (permalink) Old 01-24-2019, 01:40 PM
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Re: Sex every day

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Yah I think the idea that less than x times per week is a starvation ration is hyperbole.
Yes, it absolutely is. But didn't he say somewhere that they do have sex the odd 4 or 5 times a week? I could be wrong. I just think pressuring her into an everyday thing or 2 or 3 times a day is ridiculous. Actually, I think THAT is what he said, something like they don't have to do it every day necessarily but that it could be 4 or 5 times a week with some of them being 2 or 3 times a day. Still ridiculous. Again, I could be wrong just trying to go on memory. It's not important enough to me to try to go find each of his comments.

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I find that compromise and unselfishness works.
I agree. I know a wife who hated that his adult kids (from former marriage) always asked him for money, and he always gave it to them. One of them had asked on this particular occasion, and she was complaining about it. I suggested she accept that he does it this time but with him and the kids understanding that, in the future, it's not a given just because they ask. She was able to accept that since it was hard for him to say no, but she also came away with a more reliable expectation for the future. I just don't think that same compromising kind of rule applies in Frozen's situation. I think this is something he has no business asking for to the point of pressuring and trying to force her. I think he should loathe himself for it.
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post #88 of 158 (permalink) Old 01-24-2019, 01:41 PM
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Re: Sex every day

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A man who cheats because he only gets sex 3 times a year is still wrong, but he has my sympathy. A man who cheats because hes only getting sex 3 times a week is disgusting. As is anyone who suggests he cheat because he is only getting sex 3 times a week.
I don't think anyone here, is suggesting that he cheats on his wife. Of which, I don't think he should cheat on his wife either.

At the end of the day though, if he isn't happy with 3x a week, isn't willing to settle for less, and his wife isn't willing to share more. He's left with having sex with others (since marital rape is not okay), as the only way to get more sex. Which means either divorce, swinging, polyamory, consensual non-monogamy and the like or sexual infidelity (cheating).

Stating thie above isn't encouraging him to cheat, it is simply stating the facts as they stand.
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post #89 of 158 (permalink) Old 01-24-2019, 01:44 PM
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Re: Sex every day

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I don't think anyone here, is suggesting that he cheats on his wife. Of which, I don't think he should cheat on his wife either.

At the end of the day though, if he isn't happy with 3x a week, isn't willing to settle for less, and his wife isn't willing to share more. He's left with having sex with others (since marital rape is not okay), as the only way to get more sex. Which means either divorce, swinging, polyamory, consensual non-monogamy and the like or sexual infidelity (cheating).

Stating thie above isn't encouraging him to cheat, it is simply stating the facts as they stand.
To what end? The facts, as they stand, as you put it are obvious. How is that helpful?
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post #90 of 158 (permalink) Old 01-24-2019, 01:52 PM
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Re: Sex every day

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I find that compromise and unselfishness works.
I find that hollow platitudes (like "put each other first", when both want different and conflicting things) and empty rhetoric don't provide firm foundations for great relationships.
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