H and I are in our late 50's and have been together for 37 years. As a woman I found my libido has changed over the years........Soooooooooo any thoughts? My first thought is that he is having an EA/PA....but I developed OCD around this so I think everything points to an affair- I cant rely on my thoughts
Am I just being unempathetic? am I unattractive now
......-when I got upset he said "he didnt "mind" going with me....I said I dont want to go on a trip with him if he doesnt "want" to go
Its just all such a change- a few months ago we were holding hands and sleeping in each others arms- now he rolls to the edge of the mattress away from me
Is it just too much stress? age? I really dont know what to think
Yes absolutely avoidance- no troubles in the marriage that I can think of- No money problems, kids are grown and good, we had become so close I thought. I suggested he check his T levels and he refused. He said he's had enough medical appointments and doesnt want to take more time off work. He feels there is nothing wrong.
The medical issues have all turned out to be nothing. Maybe the stress of him thinking there was something wrong all the time?
I absolutely understand how my varied libido took a toll on him.......He never discussed his feelings about it except to say that during the 6 months he stopped wanting sex years ago (when I suspected an EA/PA) it was because he was tired of being turned down.
The medical check is out of the question at this time- I have asked and he has stubbornly said no- hes had enough dr visits and tests done and he sees nothing wrong with this "change".
No ED issues that I can tell. .........Red flags now.....
he has no libido.....
he has pulled back emotionally
he avoids opportunities to be intimate or alone with me
he spends a good deal of time doing side jobs away from home
he lacks the interest and joy he once had for pleasurable pasttimes with me
he has little interest in going on vacation with me
he does not cuddle in bed or on the couch anymore
These could all be signs of depression, low T, or his age catching up to him (previously people regularly thought he was 15-20 years younger than he actually is.
As a 70 year old man, I have a few suggestions.
First, it is not your appearance that is the problem.
You really need to talk to your husband about your concerns, fears and hopes.
It sounds like for a while you pushed him away emotionally, and he told you he gave up on sex because he didn't want to be turned down anymore. Did you listen? Did you apologize and change things?
You said that you don't want to travel with him if he really isn't into it and wants to be there with you. Maybe your H felt and feels the same way about sex with you. I bet he does.
The red flags you point out sure sound like an H who has emotionally checked out of his marriage.
My advice is that you need to figure out what you want. You need to communicate it to your H. You need to then negotiate with him to learn what he needs and meet his needs as well as just expecting him to meet your needs.
Now for some specifics. Start by making him feel loved and cherished. Once he feels loved and cherished you might be surprised what he might do for you. I strongly recommend the book by Chapman, the 5 Languages of Love. I was shocked at how my wife and I were saying "I love you" to each other for decades, but neither of us understood what the other was saying and than neither of us felt loved in our own love languages. I changed that and it has a huge impact on my wife who had emotionally withdrawn from our marriage and who refused to have sex with me.
May I also suggest the book by MW David, Divorce Busting and/or her other book the Sex Starved Marriage or the Sex Starved Wife. Probably start with the later as it should make you feel that you are not alone in this problem and that there are lots of people who have found ways out of this swamp of emotional crisis.
You need to focus on yourself. You need to change yourself so you are not clingy and needy for sex with him. You also need to show him love and make him feel loved and cherished. And above all you need to learn how to turn him down for sex at times without destroying his ego (at least until his confidence in himself and your relationship returns).
P.S. I have survived a sex starved marriage with an LD wife. She emotionally destroyed me, I got fed up, changed myself and the way I treated her, got help with a Sex Therapist & Marriage counselor, rebuilt our sex life and our marriage survived.