his libido torpedoed -any insights? - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 35 (permalink) Old 02-05-2019, 08:47 AM Thread Starter
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Re: his libido torpedoed -any insights?

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Originally Posted by sunsetmist View Post
First, I'd want him to have medical check-up--T, ED issues?, depression, energy, etc. Then I'd worry about other possibilities--guilt, mind movies, affairs past or present, how old was his dad when health deteriorated? You feeling his rejection can be tough for both. Maybe go back to MC since was effective before.

Are there red flags now. Was affair possibility discussed?
The medical check is out of the question at this time- I have asked and he has stubbornly said no- hes had enough dr visits and tests done and he sees nothing wrong with this "change".

No ED issues that I can tell. In 38 years together he only had 1 incident of ED and that was during the time I thought he was having an A - he had worked with OW for about 12 hours straight - he could have just been tired but to me it was signs of having previously performed that day.

His dad died of a heart attack when he was about 10 years older than H is now. Perhaps that knowledge is weighing on his mind thus all the health complaints and testing. But again, it all came back negative.

Red flags now.....
he has no libido.....
he has pulled back emotionally
he avoids opportunities to be intimate or alone with me
he spends a good deal of time doing side jobs away from home
he lacks the interest and joy he once had for pleasurable pasttimes with me
he has little interest in going on vacation with me
he does not cuddle in bed or on the couch anymore

These could all be signs of depression, low T, or his age catching up to him (previously people regularly thought he was 15-20 years younger than he actually is.
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post #17 of 35 (permalink) Old 02-05-2019, 08:59 AM Thread Starter
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Re: his libido torpedoed -any insights?

@Diana7 and @spicey
He is only on a prostrate pill which he has been on for years -its never had any negative effect, He was put on 2 different antidepressents for about a week each as a migraine preventative. I dont think the side effects would still be in effect though.

He is a healthy weight - maybe 10 pounds more than usual. He has a job which is somewhat physical and is always on the move doing something-
but excercise...after he had issues with his knee he gave up his sport (this happened 4 years ago and I thought maybe the self esteem drop from having to give it up (he excelled at his sport and it was very much part of his identity) along with my lack of interest in him sexually at the time propelled him towards an A (much younger woman who looked up to him and gave him constant ego kibbles-pretty sure she had daddy issues as well) Im not saying that excuses his EA/PA but citing it as a possible precursor.
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post #18 of 35 (permalink) Old 02-05-2019, 09:04 AM Thread Starter
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Re: his libido torpedoed -any insights?

@Vinnydee I have read your posts often over the years. If a drop in libido can happen to you it can happen to anyone!
Perhaps then age is the biggest factor...
I would say the few times we have had sex in the past while he has been reactive. I should be greateful for that.
Did you ask your dr to put you back on Wellbutrin? I would have no drive without it.
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post #19 of 35 (permalink) Old 02-05-2019, 09:20 AM Thread Starter
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Re: his libido torpedoed -any insights?

@ Buddy400 -my thoughts exactly - we seem to have worked through all of that. He even said as painful as those 4 years were while we were working through it he was grateful for how close we became, the restoration to our sex life and the fact that he felt he finally got to know me. He felt we were closer than we'd ever been.

It seemed very sudden. He was off work for a few months while awaiting medical tests- everything seemed normal mostly under the circumstances. He returned to work....that seemed to be the day things changed. This of course makes me think OW is involved... although he says 2 weeks before he went back to work she went off sick and has been off ever since.

He assures me he has not seen or heard from her in over 6 months and has nothing to do with her. However...he has lied in the past about such things. He said years ago when I thought something was going on that he hadnt spoken to her while she was off sick but I showed him phone records that proved he had at least once for half an hour. He also had told me she was off sick one day but then I saw a text from her telling him who was going to be late to work that day....About a year ago he told me he was at work in the lunchroom, had just got there, she was off sick, henwas staying a half hour then leaving...when in reality he was parked in front of an apartment building across from a park at least 15 minutes from work.

There was never any real explanation for that lie. He said he thought i'd get mad at him for leaving work early, had pulled over to take a phone call, was angry at me for snooping on his phone...none of that makes for a good explanation.

@Mr.Nail and @ aaarghdub I am so sorry that your wives do not appreciate you. Many women would give up a decade of their life to have a husband that desires and needs them. I hope you both can find some happiness or at least contentment in these situations. I'm sure counselling has been brought up. Keep trying.
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post #20 of 35 (permalink) Old 02-05-2019, 09:34 AM
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Re: his libido torpedoed -any insights?

I'm sorry NJ that this is happening after all the effort you both have put in. I suggest you keep your mouth closed and eyes wide open. There may be plausible explanations but if that woman is still around, then it could have started up again. If necessary get a PI, put a VAR in his car, you know the drill.
Do not broach the subject again with him, act normal. Do your own thing, go your own places. Show no interest or suspicion, and ensure this woman is really out of the picture or no-one else is in it.
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post #21 of 35 (permalink) Old 02-05-2019, 11:14 AM
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Re: his libido torpedoed -any insights?

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It seemed very sudden. He was off work for a few months while awaiting medical tests- everything seemed normal mostly under the circumstances. He returned to work....that seemed to be the day things changed. This of course makes me think OW is involved... although he says 2 weeks before he went back to work she went off sick and has been off ever since.
I would think that the time off work awaiting medical tests was very hard for him; a very self reliant man who's worth is probably largely driven my his work.

Obviously, it would be nice if he could talk honestly with you about what's going on. But, that's exactly what he's always had problems doing.

Looking at your older posts for background, I realized that you're Nurse Jackie and thought OMG, what did I do, suggesting that your H might be in an EA/PA?!

Maybe his illness (or what ever it was that had him off work) lead him to doubt his manhood, going back to work brought him in contact with his designated worshiper (and the associated ego kibbles) and then he started to rewrite the past with you to justify getting the ego boosts from her. If he's happy with you (and he was), how could he justify his EA? He can't. So, he has to decide he's unhappy with you.

Very distressing. Especially in your situation.

Any chance you can afford a PI without him finding out?

You can't twist in the wind like in the past and obsess over VAR's etc. You've done that and it almost destroyed you.

It seems like he needs people to think he's wonderful (which it seems like he largely is). The work woman feeds this. Could your asking him to do stuff be interpreted (my an overly emotionally fragile man) as dissatisfaction with him?

Can you focus on building him up emotionally (assuming you want to)?
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post #22 of 35 (permalink) Old 02-05-2019, 11:26 AM
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Re: his libido torpedoed -any insights?

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If not, then it could be fear of failure; performance anxiety.

Otherwise, I'd have to think EA/PA (though, why now?)

or, for some reason, the past suddenly came back to piss him off.
Honestly, these are the things that came to mind. Not saying that low T couldn't be part of the problem, but much of this doesn't quite seem to line up. My libido had been moving down for a while, and after getting bloodwork done, it was confirmed that I had low T. That being said, I would have still been willing to work with my W on things if everything else in the marriage was ok. The times where I was avoiding my W, it was not b/c of my libido but other issues in the marriage (the low libido just made it easier to deal with). Something is quite wrong here which I think goes beyond getting bloodwork done (I guess best case scenario would be he has low t and performance anxiety is causing his avoidance, but just don't feel like that fits in this case, IDK ...)

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post #23 of 35 (permalink) Old 02-05-2019, 03:05 PM
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Re: his libido torpedoed -any insights?

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H and I are in our late 50's and have been together for 37 years. As a woman I found my libido has changed over the years........Soooooooooo any thoughts? My first thought is that he is having an EA/PA....but I developed OCD around this so I think everything points to an affair- I cant rely on my thoughts

Am I just being unempathetic? am I unattractive now
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Originally Posted by NJ2 View Post
......-when I got upset he said "he didnt "mind" going with me....I said I dont want to go on a trip with him if he doesnt "want" to go
Its just all such a change- a few months ago we were holding hands and sleeping in each others arms- now he rolls to the edge of the mattress away from me

Is it just too much stress? age? I really dont know what to think
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Originally Posted by NJ2 View Post
Yes absolutely avoidance- no troubles in the marriage that I can think of- No money problems, kids are grown and good, we had become so close I thought. I suggested he check his T levels and he refused. He said he's had enough medical appointments and doesnt want to take more time off work. He feels there is nothing wrong.

The medical issues have all turned out to be nothing. Maybe the stress of him thinking there was something wrong all the time?

I absolutely understand how my varied libido took a toll on him.......He never discussed his feelings about it except to say that during the 6 months he stopped wanting sex years ago (when I suspected an EA/PA) it was because he was tired of being turned down.
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Originally Posted by NJ2 View Post
The medical check is out of the question at this time- I have asked and he has stubbornly said no- hes had enough dr visits and tests done and he sees nothing wrong with this "change".

No ED issues that I can tell. .........Red flags now.....
he has no libido.....
he has pulled back emotionally
he avoids opportunities to be intimate or alone with me
he spends a good deal of time doing side jobs away from home
he lacks the interest and joy he once had for pleasurable pasttimes with me
he has little interest in going on vacation with me
he does not cuddle in bed or on the couch anymore

These could all be signs of depression, low T, or his age catching up to him (previously people regularly thought he was 15-20 years younger than he actually is.
As a 70 year old man, I have a few suggestions.

First, it is not your appearance that is the problem.

You really need to talk to your husband about your concerns, fears and hopes.

It sounds like for a while you pushed him away emotionally, and he told you he gave up on sex because he didn't want to be turned down anymore. Did you listen? Did you apologize and change things?

You said that you don't want to travel with him if he really isn't into it and wants to be there with you. Maybe your H felt and feels the same way about sex with you. I bet he does.

The red flags you point out sure sound like an H who has emotionally checked out of his marriage.

My advice is that you need to figure out what you want. You need to communicate it to your H. You need to then negotiate with him to learn what he needs and meet his needs as well as just expecting him to meet your needs.

Now for some specifics. Start by making him feel loved and cherished. Once he feels loved and cherished you might be surprised what he might do for you. I strongly recommend the book by Chapman, the 5 Languages of Love. I was shocked at how my wife and I were saying "I love you" to each other for decades, but neither of us understood what the other was saying and than neither of us felt loved in our own love languages. I changed that and it has a huge impact on my wife who had emotionally withdrawn from our marriage and who refused to have sex with me.

May I also suggest the book by MW David, Divorce Busting and/or her other book the Sex Starved Marriage or the Sex Starved Wife. Probably start with the later as it should make you feel that you are not alone in this problem and that there are lots of people who have found ways out of this swamp of emotional crisis.

You need to focus on yourself. You need to change yourself so you are not clingy and needy for sex with him. You also need to show him love and make him feel loved and cherished. And above all you need to learn how to turn him down for sex at times without destroying his ego (at least until his confidence in himself and your relationship returns).

Good luck.

P.S. I have survived a sex starved marriage with an LD wife. She emotionally destroyed me, I got fed up, changed myself and the way I treated her, got help with a Sex Therapist & Marriage counselor, rebuilt our sex life and our marriage survived.

Last edited by Young at Heart; 02-06-2019 at 01:50 AM.
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post #24 of 35 (permalink) Old 02-05-2019, 03:41 PM
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Re: his libido torpedoed -any insights?

@NJ2

There's a LOT of history behind your story and without reading it all, it's hard to give good advice.

After having re-read a lot of it (and remembering a lot more), I'm pretty sure that this isn't a story about blowback from a low sex period in the past and I'm pretty sure there's no PA here.

My guesses are:

It is very important to your husband that others, and especially you, think well of him.

It is very important to your husband that he be seen as a very capable man.

Things said to him (particularly by you) which would roll right off most other men may be very hurtful to him (and you'd probably never imagine that anything you said could have been taken that way).

My guess is that somehow (starting around the time of his health problems) he has become too vulnerable to you. The only way he can protect himself is to withdraw emotionally so that you can't hurt him.

Examine anything you might have said or done which he might have mistakenly (probably) taken as your opinion of him being lowered around the time it went wrong.

Be 100% complimentary of him and what he means to you and how fabulous he is (assuming you pretty much believe it). Don't question his capability to do anything. It doesn't sound like you've been overprotective of his health, but if you have, stop doing that.

Another possibility is if, when he has has sex recently, he hasn't been able to perform. To a guy like him, not performing is unacceptable. Disappointing YOU is unacceptable. He'd be better off coming up with reasons not to try than to try and risk failure. But you haven't said anything about recent performance problems, so I'm discounting that.
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post #25 of 35 (permalink) Old 02-05-2019, 09:13 PM Thread Starter
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Re: his libido torpedoed -any insights?

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@NJ2

There's a LOT of history behind your story and without reading it all, it's hard to give good advice.

After having re-read a lot of it (and remembering a lot more), I'm pretty sure that this isn't a story about blowback from a low sex period in the past and I'm pretty sure there's no PA here.

My guesses are:

It is very important to your husband that others, and especially you, think well of him.

It is very important to your husband that he be seen as a very capable man.

Things said to him (particularly by you) which would roll right off most other men may be very hurtful to him (and you'd probably never imagine that anything you said could have been taken that way).

My guess is that somehow (starting around the time of his health problems) he has become too vulnerable to you. The only way he can protect himself is to withdraw emotionally so that you can't hurt him.

Examine anything you might have said or done which he might have mistakenly (probably) taken as your opinion of him being lowered around the time it went wrong.

Be 100% complimentary of him and what he means to you and how fabulous he is (assuming you pretty much believe it). Don't question his capability to do anything. It doesn't sound like you've been overprotective of his health, but if you have, stop doing that.

Another possibility is if, when he has has sex recently, he hasn't been able to perform. To a guy like him, not performing is unacceptable. Disappointing YOU is unacceptable. He'd be better off coming up with reasons not to try than to try and risk failure. But you haven't said anything about recent performance problems, so I'm discounting that.

Recent sex -although very infrequent- was initiated by me, and quite satisfactory.

Wow @Buddy400 -I think you may have hit the nail on the head!!! He is exactly as you describe him. Those are his needs. This makes sense. It was a bit hard for me to read what you wrote as I hate to think of myself as being inconsiderate of his feelings after all our hard work- but in all honesty you have opened my eyes to this fact.

Truth be told I HAVE disliked the fact that he has been vulnerable throughout this time.

I have said things like OMG its a stye in your eye....it looks monstrous but its not the end of the world.....its an ingrown toenail.....gross but not deadly...and then there was the whole I'm allergic to the new mattress thing....he said he couldn't lay down on the bed without being dizzy and having a panick attack....its a mattress come on...who is allergic to a mattress...? (he was)

I had made uncomplimentary comments re his missing tooth- they were meant to be funny- he is normally so handsome that it is now shocking when he smiles. He laughed -but looking at it from a more sympathetic side it probably wasn't funny to him and he may have taken it to heart and felt unattractive.

I was overprotective of his health during the heart/migraine issues- I probably drove him crazy telling him not to do this or that... certainly could have made him feel less capable, less vigorous.

I also went behind his back and contacted his sisters (dr, and married to a dr) to get their opinions and to use their influence to move him up the line for testing etc. I don't know if he knows I did that or they kept it quiet but I was feeling quite desparate at times. They were talking tumours...heart attacks, MS.....it was all quite daunting and I was a little loopy from the painkillers and my own pain.

My comments were probably an expression of my own anxiety. I'd hate to think I was just a *****!

Your suggestions are taken to heart. I will be very careful in the future. I will build him up with more admiration and appreciation. I do those things because I know they are important to him -but I would say my negative comments during this time nullified those efforts.

BRAVO Buddy!! I feel this mystery is solved and I can fix it!!

Interesting note- today was the first time in 4 years H decided he was going to try and play his sport again. My son encouraged him to play on a less competitive team more focussed on fun with less chance for injury.
As he went out the door he said he was excited and you could tell it meant a lot to him.
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post #26 of 35 (permalink) Old 02-05-2019, 11:12 PM
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Re: his libido torpedoed -any insights?

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Recent sex -although very infrequent- was initiated by me, and quite satisfactory.

Wow @Buddy400 -I think you may have hit the nail on the head!!! He is exactly as you describe him. Those are his needs. This makes sense. It was a bit hard for me to read what you wrote as I hate to think of myself as being inconsiderate of his feelings after all our hard work- but in all honesty you have opened my eyes to this fact.

Truth be told I HAVE disliked the fact that he has been vulnerable throughout this time.

I have said things like OMG its a stye in your eye....it looks monstrous but its not the end of the world.....its an ingrown toenail.....gross but not deadly...and then there was the whole I'm allergic to the new mattress thing....he said he couldn't lay down on the bed without being dizzy and having a panick attack....its a mattress come on...who is allergic to a mattress...? (he was)

I had made uncomplimentary comments re his missing tooth- they were meant to be funny- he is normally so handsome that it is now shocking when he smiles. He laughed -but looking at it from a more sympathetic side it probably wasn't funny to him and he may have taken it to heart and felt unattractive.

I was overprotective of his health during the heart/migraine issues- I probably drove him crazy telling him not to do this or that... certainly could have made him feel less capable, less vigorous.

I also went behind his back and contacted his sisters (dr, and married to a dr) to get their opinions and to use their influence to move him up the line for testing etc. I don't know if he knows I did that or they kept it quiet but I was feeling quite desparate at times. They were talking tumours...heart attacks, MS.....it was all quite daunting and I was a little loopy from the painkillers and my own pain.

My comments were probably an expression of my own anxiety. I'd hate to think I was just a *****!

Your suggestions are taken to heart. I will be very careful in the future. I will build him up with more admiration and appreciation. I do those things because I know they are important to him -but I would say my negative comments during this time nullified those efforts.

BRAVO Buddy!! I feel this mystery is solved and I can fix it!!

Interesting note- today was the first time in 4 years H decided he was going to try and play his sport again. My son encouraged him to play on a less competitive team more focussed on fun with less chance for injury.
As he went out the door he said he was excited and you could tell it meant a lot to him.
To be clear, it's far more excessive sensitivity on his part than lack of consideration on yours.

I suspect your husband and I share a few quirks
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post #27 of 35 (permalink) Old 02-06-2019, 02:27 PM Thread Starter
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Re: his libido torpedoed -any insights?

@Buddy400 well that makes me feel better and I'm so glad you were able to see it from his angle. I think women never give men- especially their husbands -credit for being sensitive. I have enjoyed the softer side of H in these past few years, but was scared of any real physical vulnerability.

When H came home last night DD and I both asked all about the game and said we were so happy that he has put himself out there again. DD also gave him some other compliments as we had discussed how this (playing the game again)was an important ego boost for him. I made him a nice dinner, admired his garage cleaning and told him I'd get up early in the morning and make his tea and breakfast.....

Seemed to do the trick- this morning HE initiated and looks like hes back in the saddle again
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post #28 of 35 (permalink) Old 02-06-2019, 05:19 PM
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Re: his libido torpedoed -any insights?

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@Buddy400 well that makes me feel better and I'm so glad you were able to see it from his angle. I think women never give men- especially their husbands -credit for being sensitive. I have enjoyed the softer side of H in these past few years, but was scared of any real physical vulnerability.
I am invulnerable to everything and everyone; except my wife.

She could destroy me.
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post #29 of 35 (permalink) Old 02-06-2019, 11:38 PM
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Re: his libido torpedoed -any insights?

NJ2, sometimes people just wear out from working most of the time and see things not improving as much as they would like. Maybe your H is just seeing all the work he did in the past and it doesn't add up to him, so he withdraws to be alone sometimes. I will admit that most of my self worth came from the work I did and the money I earned.

My W is critical of so many small things, I just gave up trying to please her I do what I see that needs being done in my way. I have gotten that way with the older children and the grand children. It is give, give, give. It gets old. BTW, sex dried up years ago. Too many complaints and I had to jump through too many hoops

I am not saying your H is like me but saying sometimes I have to do my thing my way, which might not be the way you would do things.

I will say Young at Heart has one of the better turn arounds. I have followed his posts for over 10 years. WTG Young at Heart.

It looks like Buddy400 has the right advice.

Last edited by Handy; 02-06-2019 at 11:43 PM.
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post #30 of 35 (permalink) Old 02-07-2019, 08:57 PM Thread Starter
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Re: his libido torpedoed -any insights?

@Handy Certainly H is like you in that way....he's a "nice" guy. He does everything for the kids, his mother, his workmates...and me (on his own schedule). He said once -he just expects to work and die in the field so to speak. I'm sure he is tired but finds it difficult to say no. I want him to retire, enjoy life more....say NO!

He does get his worth from making money- not spending it. I keep telling him he has worked long and hard enough-now is the time to reap those rewards. I tell him he has earned this through his hard work and sacrifices.

When my parents died 3 years ago we had everything we needed. Our kids were grown, no debts or mortgages...so I took my inheritance and bought a property he found -but we both wanted -to fix up as a getaway - I paid for everything and was happy to. I also took him on 7 trips in 2 years. I have appreciated him but maybe not enough.

Sometimes....this makes me feel a bit like now that money has dried up he's not interested in going with me if he has to pay half.

Sometimes I take that further in my mind (because I have OCD with regards to our relationship) and wonder if he was so shallow as to fake it till the money was gone. Sometimes I wonder if he actually cares or just wants to keep appearances up...

But intellectually I know @Buddy400 got it right.
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