Wives not feeling sexually "safe" enough to open up to their husband - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
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post #46 of 123 (permalink) Old 09-16-2019, 05:53 PM
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Re: Wives not feeling sexually "safe" enough to open up to their husband

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Originally Posted by dadstartingover View Post
A common thing I have heard is that women don't feel "safe" enough with their spouse to be open and truthful about their sexuality. It could be that the woman feels shamed for her thoughts and feelings (common) or that the man will be too offended by what he hears and pout or get angry... or a combination of the two.

For guys I work with, I will often ask them what they would do if their wife admitted that they had fantasies about being dominated by a strong man or multiple men at once (common fantasy). Would the husband be offended? Would he call her names and throw her out of the house? Would he pout because he knows that she is, in fact, saying, "I have fantasies about men that are the exact opposite of you"? Or would he use that information in a healthy and constructive way and learn more about what makes his wife tick and try to amplify those traits she wants to see in her fantasy lover?

For those men that say, "Haha... yeah, right. Like my wife has fantasies. Right. Sure. She doesn't have a sexual bone in her body. Trust me." Are you sure about that? There's one thing I always say to men: Women are human beings. They are sexual creatures, just like you. While it may seem to take more to get their buttons pushed in the right combination, once those buttons are pushed... watch out. Their sexuality can run laps around a man's sexuality. Many of us have learned this when we catch our "low libido" spouses in an affair. After all, there is no stronger button-pusher than an affair partner. The newness and secretive nature of getting some on the side ignites a fire in a person that the comfortable and safe spouse cannot compete with.

The trick is to lay the groundwork for allowing you to push those buttons yourself. Part of that may be to set aside your butthurt feelings about what your wife's sexuality SHOULD be, and embrace what is. You may be surprised, and in the end, it may be a very VERY pleasant surprise.

Have any men here learned of a wife's secretive sexual kink or turn-on that surprised you? Did you react negatively? Women, do you feel safe enough to share your fantasies with your husband?
I'm not offended. I also have no problem playing a role. The only thing I would say is when it comes to introducing other people as long as she is married to me then that is out of the question. I also don't want to know about her fantasies when it comes to "real" not counting movie stars and media figures. I get it we all have them but I don't want to know about those ones. I think you should be happy if your wife feels safe enough to tell you these things.

Besides that any specifics will be kept between me and my wife.
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post #47 of 123 (permalink) Old 09-16-2019, 06:11 PM
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Re: Wives not feeling sexually "safe" enough to open up to their husband

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I always took a different path to dating. I let the girls see my average to bad side right off. Figured why waste time trying to impress someone and then end it later.
Just as long as you don't think it's recipricol. It's hard to get past the way we flavor our impressions based upon how we'd act in his or her shoes, and think their motives are the same.
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post #48 of 123 (permalink) Old 09-16-2019, 06:21 PM
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Re: Wives not feeling sexually "safe" enough to open up to their husband

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I think more often than not, some women (not all) control the type of sex they have with their husbands as a means of maintaining a certain control over the marital relationship. I don't buy this argument that the reason women won't share their kinks with their husbands because they don't "feel safe" with them is a cop-out. It is just an excuse most of the time. What it really is is that they don't want to lose what leverage they have within the relationship.

If feeling "safe" were really the case, why do some women have affairs with sleazy, alpha-wolf scumbags, who often are far below their husbands in terms of wage-earning and stability? You're telling me they feel "safer" with these scrubs than they do their husbands? Doesn't make sense. It is the same reason they put out for every cute, clueless jock in college: because he was temporary toy to be used and cast away when no longer needed. But a wife needs her husband, so the sex rules are different.

Women don't have anything to lose with men they are not committed to, so they feel free to fly their freak flag. A woman doesn't care if Jose the hunky poolboy doesn't respect her, because she's going to be tossing him aside as soon as she's through using him. But she has to maintain her husband's respect, so she needs to put restrictions on the type of sex she allows him to have with her, so that hubby doesn't think of her as loose or cheap and so lose his desire to stay married to her. Which in itself is a crock of sh!t reasoning. Most men want to do whatever they can, within reason, to sexually please their wives.

This is one of those issues where our experiences color our perspective. @dadstartingover described "safe" the way I describe safe.

"......they feel ZERO judgement about anything related to their life. He doesn't shame her for not being with her kids, he doesn't shame her for not keeping the house clean, and he certainly doesn't shame her for wanting to be banged on the hood of his car in the Walmart parking lot. In a sense, he's the antithesis of "safe" in the way you're looking at it. But he is "safe" in the sense of he allows her to let her freak flag fly and there is ZERO fear of being judged or shamed for it."

I am one of those people who need to feel "safe" to let my walls down enough to open up sexually. But you are right @bandit.45, when you have a marriage, a family, a life you've spent years (sometimes decades) building, the risk of possibly being thought of as "defective" and living in perpetual judgement is not worth the reward.

This is not a female issue. Men do it as well. They do not share fantasies for fear of being thought of as a "freak" or a "porn addict" by their spouses.
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post #49 of 123 (permalink) Old 09-16-2019, 06:27 PM
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Re: Wives not feeling sexually "safe" enough to open up to their husband

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I always took a different path to dating. I let the girls see my average to bad side right off. Figured why waste time trying to impress someone and then end it later.
You can do that if you wish, but the other person will not be doing the same.
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post #50 of 123 (permalink) Old 09-16-2019, 06:35 PM
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Re: Wives not feeling sexually "safe" enough to open up to their husband

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What I have seen for decades is that very young people notoriously make bad choices when they marry, and now people are realizing that getting married is not some kind of magical event that guarantees anyone happiness. So younger people are taking the results of what their parents did and seeing the problems, and choosing to marry later when they are more likely to make a more informed choice.
True. Also, the older you get, the pickier you become. At some point, you might not consider marriage at all.

At 31, I thank God I haven't settled down yet as it feels like I'm still learning about my own self and the taste for men changes almost every year.

I could see myself getting married at 40 for the convenience of not spending my life all alone...but then I could consider cohabitation which has "lighter" legal "side-effects".

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Davelli0331: If a GNO, or alcohol, or an attractive coworker, or a past flame on FB were all that were needed for someone to cheat, then I think that person had that defect in their integrity all along. All they ever lacked was the opportunity to act on their lack of integrity and the circumstances required to rationalize it to themselves.
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post #51 of 123 (permalink) Old 09-16-2019, 07:04 PM
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Re: Wives not feeling sexually "safe" enough to open up to their husband

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Originally Posted by dadstartingover View Post
.



Have any men here learned of a wife's secretive sexual kink or turn-on that surprised you? Did you react negatively? Women, do you feel safe enough to share your fantasies with your husband?
I don't know why some hidden, sexy fantasies about people (other than your SO) should even be discussed.

I'm not married.. but I'm not sure if I'd really want my future H to talk about his sexual fantasies that include other women.

Just like @sokillme said, not referring to celebrity-fantazies, but anything that involves a 3rd party into marriage/relationship (even if it's just a fantasy), turns me off and leaves me with a bad taste.

I'm not saying I haven't shared fantasies with my ex-BFs, ....sure I have shared mines (for example...gang bang) and they have shared theirs...but everytime they expressed how much they'd want a 3some, it used to turn me off.
Some had already tried it and said none of the females were their GF, some others had yet to try it.

Let me be honest though, even if I have shared mine, I still don't think it was a good idea. I did it because they wanted to know so badly....but I wouldn't share anything otherwise. So I HAD to ask what was theirs, as I said above.
But I wasn't keen on knowing about that type of fantasy, nor revealing anything from mine.

Also, part of me, didn't want to sound like I was "sexually-dead" by saying I have no fantasy (which would also be untrue)...hence, the reason for sharing.
I've always told them that MFM is one of my fantasies, but then I think..... what decent BF would let his GF be f*cked by another dude???
So, I'd lose respect for a guy if he was willing to even fantasize about me being banged by another dude, let alone make it a reality.

Sure, some fantasies are just that, fantasies.

But still, I don't like to fantasize about sharing my SO.

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sokillme: *People cheat because of their nature, not because of their circumstance.*
Davelli0331: If a GNO, or alcohol, or an attractive coworker, or a past flame on FB were all that were needed for someone to cheat, then I think that person had that defect in their integrity all along. All they ever lacked was the opportunity to act on their lack of integrity and the circumstances required to rationalize it to themselves.
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post #52 of 123 (permalink) Old 09-16-2019, 07:06 PM
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Re: Wives not feeling sexually "safe" enough to open up to their husband

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You can do that if you wish, but the other person will not be doing the same.
Only expectation I had for the other person was; they should try and enjoy whatever was planned.
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post #53 of 123 (permalink) Old 09-16-2019, 07:11 PM
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Re: Wives not feeling sexually "safe" enough to open up to their husband

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Only expectation I had for the other person was; they should try and enjoy whatever was planned.
Iím just pointing out that no matter what bad sides of yourself you felt you were revealing, the other person is not doing that and you will never see the worst in someone until you have been with them for several years.
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post #54 of 123 (permalink) Old 09-17-2019, 09:02 PM
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Re: Wives not feeling sexually "safe" enough to open up to their husband

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Iím just pointing out that no matter what bad sides of yourself you felt you were revealing, the other person is not doing that and you will never see the worst in someone until you have been with them for several years.
I'm not even convinced that someone can show their "worst" side anyway. I think we have circuit-breakers built-in to prevent that. And even if we did, what we'd be showing is what *we* think is our worst, and we're not the best judge of our own worst thoughts and mannerisms.

I think the best we can do (when meeting new people, whether potential SO or otherwise) is think about what might help to have a good time.
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post #55 of 123 (permalink) Old 09-17-2019, 10:25 PM
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Re: Wives not feeling sexually "safe" enough to open up to their husband

I think there is another flip side.

SOME women may not feel "safe" to share their fantasies because their husband isn't as sexual or sensual as their fantasy. So first of all, he'd be lacking the qualities she is dreaming of.....secondly, she doesnt want to make him feel bad. SOME husbands are like the wife referred to earlier.....maybe he'd respond with shock and laughter? If she even THINKS he might, then nope, not sharing.

Or if she is trying to spice up the sexy time, because it isn't very sexy....and he is either not noticing, or pretending not to notice, then putting herself out there all vulnerable is a gigantic risk. Rejection WITH laughter just suck.

But there's more. It's not safe if he doesn't value wifey's thoughts and opinions....communication problems? Pretty common, I think. So she doesn't open up to him, because if he isn't going to listen to the "REAL" stuff, then why trust him with intimate extra stuff???

I think some of the explanations up there kind of ticked me off. Like our reasons .... for not sharing.... which is supposed to be voluntary.... are not really valid, and some seemed kind of sleezy. Like hiding things on purpose, or hiding important things out of spite or deviousness. Its FANTASY..... no one has to share if they don't want to. The reasons don't even matter.

*Edited to add: Ha, ticked me off....or hit a nerve?
**Edited to add more: Just noticed the title again. "sexually safe"? That explanation at least makes sense in that there's no shame in a one night stand. But for the wife to open up with her husband, I'd think she'd want to feel EMOTIONALLY safe. If he stomps on her emotions, or neglects her point of view.... then why would she want to share?

Last edited by SunnyT; 09-17-2019 at 10:31 PM.
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post #56 of 123 (permalink) Old 09-18-2019, 08:34 AM Thread Starter
 
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Re: Wives not feeling sexually "safe" enough to open up to their husband

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I think there is another flip side.

SOME women may not feel "safe" to share their fantasies because their husband isn't as sexual or sensual as their fantasy. So first of all, he'd be lacking the qualities she is dreaming of.....secondly, she doesnt want to make him feel bad. SOME husbands are like the wife referred to earlier.....maybe he'd respond with shock and laughter? If she even THINKS he might, then nope, not sharing.

Or if she is trying to spice up the sexy time, because it isn't very sexy....and he is either not noticing, or pretending not to notice, then putting herself out there all vulnerable is a gigantic risk. Rejection WITH laughter just suck.

But there's more. It's not safe if he doesn't value wifey's thoughts and opinions....communication problems? Pretty common, I think. So she doesn't open up to him, because if he isn't going to listen to the "REAL" stuff, then why trust him with intimate extra stuff???

I think some of the explanations up there kind of ticked me off. Like our reasons .... for not sharing.... which is supposed to be voluntary.... are not really valid, and some seemed kind of sleezy. Like hiding things on purpose, or hiding important things out of spite or deviousness. Its FANTASY..... no one has to share if they don't want to. The reasons don't even matter.

*Edited to add: Ha, ticked me off....or hit a nerve?
**Edited to add more: Just noticed the title again. "sexually safe"? That explanation at least makes sense in that there's no shame in a one night stand. But for the wife to open up with her husband, I'd think she'd want to feel EMOTIONALLY safe. If he stomps on her emotions, or neglects her point of view.... then why would she want to share?
All of the above is what I had in mind when I posted the question. A lot of men I talk to just do the cruddiest job of helping to cultivate a level of sexiness and fun that allows his wife to feel "safe" enough to be truly open and free with her thoughts. A LOT of men portray a very sensitive and "easily offended" persona that makes them not only look weak and prudish but also helps push down their wife's sexuality. "I can't tell him that... he'll get mad and pout and I hate that."

If my wife were to tell me that she has a fantasy of being ravaged by seven-foot-tall well-hung barbarians, I would probably just say something like, "Wow...Dirty giiiiiirl" and then take that energy into the bedroom. For her, if I told her I had a dream the other day of being back in college and having a fivesome with four 19 year old co-eds, she'd probably go buy a schoolgirl outfit or something similar. Both of our reactions says, "Oh, that's kinda sexy... and I'm in no way threatened by your thoughts. In fact, I like that about you and let me show you how much."

Shock and laughter, anger, rejection... all points to fundamental disconnect, lack of respect and incompatibility. You don't HAVE to be with that person.


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post #57 of 123 (permalink) Old 09-18-2019, 08:42 AM
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I think there is another flip side.

SOME women may not feel "safe" to share their fantasies because their husband isn't as sexual or sensual as their fantasy. So first of all, he'd be lacking the qualities she is dreaming of.....secondly, she doesnt want to make him feel bad. SOME husbands are like the wife referred to earlier.....maybe he'd respond with shock and laughter? If she even THINKS he might, then nope, not sharing.

Or if she is trying to spice up the sexy time, because it isn't very sexy....and he is either not noticing, or pretending not to notice, then putting herself out there all vulnerable is a gigantic risk. Rejection WITH laughter just suck.

But there's more. It's not safe if he doesn't value wifey's thoughts and opinions....communication problems? Pretty common, I think. So she doesn't open up to him, because if he isn't going to listen to the "REAL" stuff, then why trust him with intimate extra stuff???

I think some of the explanations up there kind of ticked me off. Like our reasons .... for not sharing.... which is supposed to be voluntary.... are not really valid, and some seemed kind of sleezy. Like hiding things on purpose, or hiding important things out of spite or deviousness. Its FANTASY..... no one has to share if they don't want to. The reasons don't even matter.

*Edited to add: Ha, ticked me off....or hit a nerve?
**Edited to add more: Just noticed the title again. "sexually safe"? That explanation at least makes sense in that there's no shame in a one night stand. But for the wife to open up with her husband, I'd think she'd want to feel EMOTIONALLY safe. If he stomps on her emotions, or neglects her point of view.... then why would she want to share?
All of the above is what I had in mind when I posted the question. A lot of men I talk to just do the cruddiest job of helping to cultivate a level of sexiness and fun that allows his wife to feel "safe" enough to be truly open and free with her thoughts. A LOT of men portray a very sensitive and "easily offended" persona that makes them not only look weak and prudish but also helps push down their wife's sexuality. "I can't tell him that... he'll get mad and pout and I hate that."

If my wife were to tell me that she has a fantasy of being ravaged by seven-foot-tall well-hung barbarians, I would probably just say something like, "Wow...Dirty giiiiiirl" and then take that energy into the bedroom. For her, if I told her I had a dream the other day of being back in college and having a fivesome with four 19 year old co-eds, she'd probably go buy a schoolgirl outfit or something similar. Both of our reactions says, "Oh, that's kinda sexy... and I'm in no way threatened by your thoughts. In fact, I like that about you and let me show you how much."

Shock and laughter, anger, rejection... all points to fundamental disconnect, lack of respect and incompatibility. You don't HAVE to be with that person.
Or you could have brought up the subject, tried to get her to open up about her fantasies, told her yours, been told that "she could never do that", then find out later that she COULD do that but with someone else. Better to fulfill your fantasies when you are single and can enjoy them. Because the old saying happens to be true...."The best way to close a womans legs is to marry her"
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post #58 of 123 (permalink) Old 09-18-2019, 08:50 AM Thread Starter
 
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Re: Wives not feeling sexually "safe" enough to open up to their husband

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Or you could have brought up the subject, tried to get her to open up about her fantasies, told her yours, been told that "she could never do that", then find out later that she COULD do that but with someone else. Better to fulfill your fantasies when you are single and can enjoy them. Because the old saying happens to be true...."The best way to close a womans legs is to marry her"
Yep, she could leave you. Cheat on you. Been there, done that.

I think your statement is true for most people, unfortunately. Hasn't been the case for me... six years into marriage #2. If it goes down that route, I'll be fine as a single man again. I have no interest in a dead bedroom relationship.


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post #59 of 123 (permalink) Old 09-18-2019, 09:03 AM
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Because the old saying happens to be true...."The best way to close a womans legs is to marry her"
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post #60 of 123 (permalink) Old 09-18-2019, 09:08 AM
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Re: Wives not feeling sexually "safe" enough to open up to their husband

Short answer?

Too much thought.

Just do it.

Especially if a long M, a couple has gone through the standard roller coasters in life ie kids, childbirth, buying homes, other ups and downs.

The emotional maturity of both spouses is able to handle sharing fantasies.

Dear Lord, if one can't share that stuff with their SO there are likely other problems.

Sharing a FANTASY isn't like doing it in all cases. But it can bring, with modifications, more sexual enjoyment time to time.

And sharing these can bring a couple closer.
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