Wives not feeling sexually "safe" enough to open up to their husband - Page 7 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #91 of 123 (permalink) Old 10-04-2019, 12:46 PM
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Re: Wives not feeling sexually "safe" enough to open up to their husband

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For example if I had a fantasy that I wanted sex with another man or men, I would not feed it because my husband is the only man I want to have sexual thoughts about. I don't want my mind and thoughts and desires to be concentrated on any one but him. Fortunately for me, I don't have those fantasies, he is the only man I am interested in.
Interesting. You may be the first person that is able to control their thoughts successfully...Could you control my thoughts by chance? Because I don't like most of them (even non-sexual ones. Actually, it's mostly the non-sexual thoughts that I don't like).

Have you had thoughts you didn't like and you could successfully shut them down? How do you do that?
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post #92 of 123 (permalink) Old 10-04-2019, 12:48 PM
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Re: Wives not feeling sexually "safe" enough to open up to their husband

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Interesting. You may be the first person that is able to control their thoughts successfully...Could you control my thoughts by chance? Because I don't like most of them (even non-sexual ones. Actually, it's mostly the non-sexual thoughts that I don't like).

Have you had thoughts you didn't like and you could successfully shut them down? How do you do that?
Here's a brief assignment in thought control - please use a stop watch to time how long it takes you to control away from this thought: Think of having sex with a 5 year old child.
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post #93 of 123 (permalink) Old 10-04-2019, 12:49 PM
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Re: Wives not feeling sexually "safe" enough to open up to their husband

Here's another one: think of poking yourself in the eye with a hot knife.
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post #94 of 123 (permalink) Old 10-04-2019, 12:50 PM
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Re: Wives not feeling sexually "safe" enough to open up to their husband

We could go on but you get the idea.

We all have the ability to control our thoughts. What's different is which thoughts do we, as individuals, find it preferable to control.
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post #95 of 123 (permalink) Old 10-04-2019, 12:52 PM
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Re: Wives not feeling sexually "safe" enough to open up to their husband

Diana7 brings up a valuable point - and that is that what we allow ourselves to be exposed to, is what we are putting into our brains. We do need to be careful - and I speak from experience that probably no young person will heed. I call it "Garbage in, garbage out." I have way too much garbage in my head I wish was not there.
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post #96 of 123 (permalink) Old 10-04-2019, 01:02 PM
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Re: Wives not feeling sexually "safe" enough to open up to their husband

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Here's a brief assignment in thought control - please use a stop watch to time how long it takes you to control away from this thought: Think of having sex with a 5 year old child.
Gawdd! I asked to control my thoughts, meaning to make me stop thinking about horrible stuff, not put more horrible thoughts in! That's not a thought I could even begin to contemplate.
I thought the discussion was more about being able to control thoughts, that we have no control over...

Say IF @Diana7 had fantasies of being pleasured by a bunch of very polite and considerate Christian men (lets call them The 12 Cavaliers) , would she be able to stop those thoughts? It's easy to say that I can control the thoughts that I don't have! What about uncomfortable thoughts that people DO have?

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post #97 of 123 (permalink) Old 10-04-2019, 01:06 PM
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Re: Wives not feeling sexually "safe" enough to open up to their husband

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We could go on but you get the idea.

We all have the ability to control our thoughts. What's different is which thoughts do we, as individuals, find it preferable to control.
Have you never been on top of a tall building and suddenly having the overwhelming feeling of wanting to jump??? That's the kind of thing I am talking about! (Poking your eye with a knife....arrrgh! My brain! Stop!)
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post #98 of 123 (permalink) Old 10-04-2019, 01:17 PM
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Re: Wives not feeling sexually "safe" enough to open up to their husband

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Here's a brief assignment in thought control - please use a stop watch to time how long it takes you to control away from this thought: Think of having sex with a 5 year old child.
And btw, there are a lot of pedophiles out there. I have no idea what their brains are like or how they are wired but I do not believe they can 'control' their thoughts. A number of them can I am sure control their actions, but thoughts? They surely know it is wrong to have those thoughts yet they have them anyway...

My bad thoughts have mostly to do with mortality & health of people close to me, and some bad **** waiting to happen around the corner that I haven't thought of/being able to predict. No, I can't stop those.
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post #99 of 123 (permalink) Old 10-04-2019, 02:22 PM
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Re: Wives not feeling sexually "safe" enough to open up to their husband

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And btw, there are a lot of pedophiles out there. I have no idea what their brains are like or how they are wired but I do not believe they can 'control' their thoughts. A number of them can I am sure control their actions, but thoughts? They surely know it is wrong to have those thoughts yet they have them anyway...

My bad thoughts have mostly to do with mortality & health of people close to me, and some bad **** waiting to happen around the corner that I haven't thought of/being able to predict. No, I can't stop those.
Sorry to freak you out - but you get what I'm saying. You've obviously watched shows - or read or listened to news about pedophiles, right?

Well, whether you are aware of it or not, your brain controls your thoughts on that front. It would never OCCUR to you to cross that line because your brain tells you, rightly so, to be horrified of that idea.

You probably aren't going to purposely do harm to yourself either.

That doesn't mean those thoughts don't float through your minds - even swiftly - especially in this day and age of violent images we're exposed to via television, movies and the internet - or even books.

I remember being a fan of Stephen King when I was younger and he was younger, etc., until I read an unabridged version of The Stand wherein there was a scene he wrote which I will not repeat here. I was so angry with him about that. Never in my life would I have imagined such an idea - and he put that idea in my head. I've seen or heard of that violent idea being used since then also.

I was a newspaper journalist for two decades and - just like fire, police, LE, court systems and military - you get exposed to some truly horrid things that you can't get out of your head ever again. It's traumatic.

If you can avoid exposing your brain to information like that, it's better. In that sense, you can't control what goes through your thoughts. It's almost like your brain is an index you tap into every day and it asks you questions as you look around or consider the stimulus choices available.

There's a show that was produced you may have heard about many years ago called "What the Bleep?" - which explored how human existence possibly works...the physical and the spiritual and the spacial concepts of all these things. One of the things that was being postulated is the effects of video games on the brains of young people - the effects of electronics on people - the effects of any number of obsessions people choose. Can we control these things - or turn around the ones that are destructive to us?

I do think we can - people obviously change. But, like Diana7 said, probably one of the best things is to be very careful what you put in there in the first place.

Stepping out into an imaginary world of wild and crazy ideas for sex in your thinking - what she is saying is that if you think something, that is the precursor to action. It often is. So, we do need to be careful what ideas we foster. That means different things to different people.

I'm too far gone for most stuff. I may have seen and experienced way to much to be redeemable. I do know some things bit me in the azz and I won't be repeating them. But, getting them out of my head or stopping them from going through my head? That part is too far gone. The best I can do is talk back to anything I don't want to linger.
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post #100 of 123 (permalink) Old 10-04-2019, 02:55 PM
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Re: Wives not feeling sexually "safe" enough to open up to their husband

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I think its also hard to strike the right balance without the guy also getting insecurities: is she attracted to me because of me or because of her heightened libido?
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Speaking only for myself, I can say that being with a good partner IS what heightens my libido. I guess it's lucky for me that my libido is so tied to my partner. I spent 6 years in a sexless marriage. My libido went way down. I thought of sex as an abstract thing at that time. Yeah, sure it would be nice to have some again but oh well.

Now I'm dating someone I really like who really likes me. We enjoy our time together, we communicate very well. We have a million things in common. He's very handsome. Guess what has happened to my libido?? It's not that I'm thinking "I'd really love some sex right now" it's that I'm thinking "I'd really love to be with him right now"

See the difference?
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post #101 of 123 (permalink) Old 10-04-2019, 03:13 PM
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I think it’s also hard to strike the right balance without the guy also getting insecurities: “is she attracted to me because of me or because of her heightened libido?”
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Speaking only for myself, I can say that being with a good partner IS what heightens my libido. I guess it's lucky for me that my libido is so tied to my partner. I spent 6 years in a sexless marriage. My libido went way down. I thought of sex as an abstract thing at that time. Yeah, sure it would be nice to have some again but oh well.

Now I'm dating someone I really like who really likes me. We enjoy our time together, we communicate very well. We have a million things in common. He's very handsome. Guess what has happened to my libido?? It's not that I'm thinking "I'd really love some sex right now" it's that I'm thinking "I'd really love to be with him right now"

See the difference?
Dating sex and married sex are two different things. My wife had a high libido BEFORE we were married.
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post #102 of 123 (permalink) Old 10-04-2019, 03:19 PM
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Re: Wives not feeling sexually "safe" enough to open up to their husband

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Dating sex and married sex are two different things. My wife had a high libido BEFORE we were married.
Probably true in many cases. In my case, my libido did not go away until I learned my husband was gay. Before that, I felt the same as I always had...I wanted him just as often unless something big in our lives interfered..ie. childbirth.
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post #103 of 123 (permalink) Old 10-04-2019, 03:28 PM
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Re: Wives not feeling sexually "safe" enough to open up to their husband

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I seem to be surrounded by women who have low libidos or even no libido. I end up feeling like a freak when I say that I feel the opposite way. I'm not going to say how often I like to have sex but it's WAY more than once a week. And some women (close friends and family) literally stare at me and express total shock that I like it at all never mind that I am willing as often as I am...notice they say "willing" while I say "want." It just does not compute to these women that at a woman in her 50's would still desire sex. I feel badly for them...but more so for their husbands. I know what it's like to be married to someone and still be totally alone. It's soul crushing.
Do the women in question have otherwise healthy and nurturing relationships with their husbands? Do you think their lack of sex drive is a reflection of the poor quality of their marriage, or lack of attraction to their spouse (have they let themselves go?), or are they just the sexual dead zones that every man fears?

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And my wife doesn't believe women like you even exist. I think for her to acknowledge that would only make her feel even more inadequate, so it's easier for her to believe that highly sexual women are nothing more than urban myth or part of some conspiracy to sell sex books to women like her and men like me who are married to women like her.
May I ask, how did that start? I would assume your relationship wasn't like that in the beginning, or you wouldn't have married her. Was there a catalyst that instigated the change in her sexual self? Or was it just NRE, and once it wore off, things changed?

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post #104 of 123 (permalink) Old 10-04-2019, 03:34 PM
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Re: Wives not feeling sexually "safe" enough to open up to their husband

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Do the women in question have otherwise healthy and nurturing relationships with their husbands? Do you think their lack of sex drive is a reflection of the poor quality of their marriage, or lack of attraction to their spouse (have they let themselves go?), or are they just the sexual dead zones that every man fears?



May I ask, how did that start? I would assume your relationship wasn't like that in the beginning, or you wouldn't have married her. Was there a catalyst that instigated the change in her sexual self? Or was it just NRE, and once it wore off, things changed?
No, she was always pretty reserved and vanilla about sex. Very uncomfortable letting her hair down, sexually speaking. Frequency was somewhat higher, but never on the right side of the bell curve (except during ovulation).

I'm confident her issues are a combination of an inherently private personality combined with some very sex-negative experiences in her youth and early adulthood.

I married her, well because I loved her and didn't want to be without her, but also because I was very inexperienced... to the point of not even knowing yet what I wanted out of a sexual relationship myself, let alone being able to tell if a partner was willing and able to provide that.

I bought into that whole "one partner for life" fairytale that I was raised with.... much to my own detriment in the long run.
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post #105 of 123 (permalink) Old 10-04-2019, 03:39 PM
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Re: Wives not feeling sexually "safe" enough to open up to their husband

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Interesting. You may be the first person that is able to control their thoughts successfully...Could you control my thoughts by chance? Because I don't like most of them (even non-sexual ones. Actually, it's mostly the non-sexual thoughts that I don't like).

Have you had thoughts you didn't like and you could successfully shut them down? How do you do that?
We cant control what flashes into our minds, but we can control if we let the thoughts stay and then feed them.

Best thing is to think of something else. So say I met a woman who was very discontent with her husband and was always complaining about him and thinking about his faults and failings. I would suggest that she instead thought of all the good and positive things about him and all the blessings that she has. Not easy as we do like to wallow in things, and let our minds go where they probably shouldn't, but its a good thing to do.

No I am far from being the first person to do this, many do it. I do think that what we think about is very important, not just what we do, because one often follows the other.
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