Wives not feeling sexually "safe" enough to open up to their husband - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 123 (permalink) Old 09-16-2019, 02:22 PM Thread Starter
 
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Wives not feeling sexually "safe" enough to open up to their husband

A common thing I have heard is that women don't feel "safe" enough with their spouse to be open and truthful about their sexuality. It could be that the woman feels shamed for her thoughts and feelings (common) or that the man will be too offended by what he hears and pout or get angry... or a combination of the two.

For guys I work with, I will often ask them what they would do if their wife admitted that they had fantasies about being dominated by a strong man or multiple men at once (common fantasy). Would the husband be offended? Would he call her names and throw her out of the house? Would he pout because he knows that she is, in fact, saying, "I have fantasies about men that are the exact opposite of you"? Or would he use that information in a healthy and constructive way and learn more about what makes his wife tick and try to amplify those traits she wants to see in her fantasy lover?

For those men that say, "Haha... yeah, right. Like my wife has fantasies. Right. Sure. She doesn't have a sexual bone in her body. Trust me." Are you sure about that? There's one thing I always say to men: Women are human beings. They are sexual creatures, just like you. While it may seem to take more to get their buttons pushed in the right combination, once those buttons are pushed... watch out. Their sexuality can run laps around a man's sexuality. Many of us have learned this when we catch our "low libido" spouses in an affair. After all, there is no stronger button-pusher than an affair partner. The newness and secretive nature of getting some on the side ignites a fire in a person that the comfortable and safe spouse cannot compete with.

The trick is to lay the groundwork for allowing you to push those buttons yourself. Part of that may be to set aside your butthurt feelings about what your wife's sexuality SHOULD be, and embrace what is. You may be surprised, and in the end, it may be a very VERY pleasant surprise.

Have any men here learned of a wife's secretive sexual kink or turn-on that surprised you? Did you react negatively? Women, do you feel safe enough to share your fantasies with your husband?


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post #2 of 123 (permalink) Old 09-16-2019, 02:38 PM
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Re: Wives not feeling sexually "safe" enough to open up to their husband

In the context of marriage, think it is more often about control than feeling safe.
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post #3 of 123 (permalink) Old 09-16-2019, 02:42 PM
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Re: Wives not feeling sexually "safe" enough to open up to their husband

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In the context of marriage, think it is more often about control than feeling safe.
What do you mean by this? Do you think they don't want to feel out of control?
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post #4 of 123 (permalink) Old 09-16-2019, 02:48 PM
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Re: Wives not feeling sexually "safe" enough to open up to their husband

NBD.

That's why they're called fantasies.

A man should already know their wife's likely have a fantasy about being ravaged by a barbarian.

And, being flown to Paris for a quick dinner and dancing at the Ritz followed by several days at Monaco, by a total gentleman then passionate love making on in Rio on a private beach, where money is no object.

And being the total sexual focus by hot men slaves, where she can command all or one at a time, to bend to her will. To include women slaves as desired.

I could go on.

A H shouldn't be upset at all if she shares these typical fantasies. Now, if she knows and names several men you both already know and see regularly socially, that's a different issue 😊😊😊.
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post #5 of 123 (permalink) Old 09-16-2019, 03:01 PM
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That's the battle " if their wife admitted that they had fantasies about....(..........)." Something l would learn to enjoy but it's not going to happen. Tried and tried... I'm just tired of chasing my own tail.

If your not the object of your lovers heart, then your just an object.
If you think the grass is greener on the otherside it's not, what you see are the weeds.
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post #6 of 123 (permalink) Old 09-16-2019, 03:01 PM
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Re: Wives not feeling sexually "safe" enough to open up to their husband

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What do you mean by this? Do you think they don't want to feel out of control?
I think more often than not, some women (not all) control the type of sex they have with their husbands as a means of maintaining a certain control over the marital relationship. I don't buy this argument that the reason women won't share their kinks with their husbands because they don't "feel safe" with them is a cop-out. It is just an excuse most of the time. What it really is is that they don't want to lose what leverage they have within the relationship.

If feeling "safe" were really the case, why do some women have affairs with sleazy, alpha-wolf scumbags, who often are far below their husbands in terms of wage-earning and stability? You're telling me they feel "safer" with these scrubs than they do their husbands? Doesn't make sense. It is the same reason they put out for every cute, clueless jock in college: because he was temporary toy to be used and cast away when no longer needed. But a wife needs her husband, so the sex rules are different.

Women don't have anything to lose with men they are not committed to, so they feel free to fly their freak flag. A woman doesn't care if Jose the hunky poolboy doesn't respect her, because she's going to be tossing him aside as soon as she's through using him. But she has to maintain her husband's respect, so she needs to put restrictions on the type of sex she allows him to have with her, so that hubby doesn't think of her as loose or cheap and so lose his desire to stay married to her. Which in itself is a crock of sh!t reasoning. Most men want to do whatever they can, within reason, to sexually please their wives.
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post #7 of 123 (permalink) Old 09-16-2019, 03:13 PM
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Re: Wives not feeling sexually "safe" enough to open up to their husband

We have had freaky sex, and there are times I spend days working on a new freak, and spring it on her.

I've built things, bought things, planned evenings and mornings, and never had anything turned down. We don't always repeat, some we do actually repeat, improve.

This is one area that has posed limited issues. No relationship is perfect but being sexually open within our monogamous relationship hasn't been a fear by either of us.

My personal belief is that she likes me spending time thinking about her as I flesh out what's needed for new and improved encounters. As an engineer, I like to plan, build, execute, appreciate, revise as needed.

Sometimes I think it's a draw back having sex in the brain almost all the time but then I come to my senses.

One day old age will catch up to us, I want to leave no desired stone unturned while we can.
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post #8 of 123 (permalink) Old 09-16-2019, 03:19 PM
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Re: Wives not feeling sexually "safe" enough to open up to their husband

Let me propose the inverse of this situation. It is not as common but it does happen.

What about the women who for religious or other reasons actively suppress their sexuality and do not have fantasies per say? Then when their husbands ask about their fantasies and the wife says: "don't have any". But he husband as read online and thinks only women who don't feel say refuse to share their fantasies. So now the husband ask why don't you trust me? why don't you feel safe with me? Why won't you open up?

The wife felt safe and opened up to her husband, but it has created an issue because there is an expectation that she is hiding something.
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post #9 of 123 (permalink) Old 09-16-2019, 03:20 PM
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Re: Wives not feeling sexually "safe" enough to open up to their husband

Good post! I'm 9.5 years into my marriage, but I have yet to discover my wife's kinks or fantasies. However, my wife is deeply religious and views such as sinful and wrong, so maybe that explains it. I would just like to know for enlightenment purposes, maybe incorporating some of her fantasy into a little bedroom banter and role playing. I have never shared my fantasies with her, because she would likely just shame me for them.
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post #10 of 123 (permalink) Old 09-16-2019, 03:21 PM Thread Starter
 
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Re: Wives not feeling sexually "safe" enough to open up to their husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by bandit.45 View Post
I think more often than not, some women (not all) control the type of sex they have with their husbands as a means of maintaining a certain control over the marital relationship. I don't buy this argument that the reason women won't share their kinks with their husbands because they don't "feel safe" with them is a cop-out. It is just an excuse most of the time. What it really is is that they don't want to lose what leverage they have within the relationship.

If feeling "safe" were really the case, why do some women have affairs with sleazy, alpha-wolf scumbags, who often are far below their husbands in terms of wage-earning and stability? You're telling me they feel "safer" with these scrubs than they do their husbands? Doesn't make sense. It is the same reason they put out for every cute, clueless jock in college: because he was temporary toy to be used and cast away when no longer needed. But a wife needs her husband, so the sex rules are different.

Women don't have anything to lose with men they are not committed to, so they feel free to fly their freak flag. A woman doesn't care if Jose the hunky poolboy doesn't respect her, because she's going to be tossing him aside as soon as she's through using him. But she has to maintain her husband's respect, so she needs to put restrictions on the type of sex she allows him to have with her, so that hubby doesn't think of her as loose or cheap and so lose his desire to stay married to her. Which in itself is a crock of sh!t reasoning. Most men want to do whatever they can, within reason, to sexually please their wives.
You're misunderstanding the point of the word "safe" in my context. It's not that they feel safe and secure in a domestic sense, but with the "loser neck tattoo guy" at the bar who they had wild sex with... they feel ZERO judgement about anything related to their life. He doesn't shame her for not being with her kids, he doesn't shame her for not keeping the house clean, and he certainly doesn't shame her for wanting to be banged on the hood of his car in the Walmart parking lot. In a sense, he's the antithesis of "safe" in the way you're looking at it. But he is "safe" in the sense of he allows her to let her freak flag fly and there is ZERO fear of being judged or shamed for it.


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post #11 of 123 (permalink) Old 09-16-2019, 03:23 PM
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This site allows men and women to input their kinks. If you both share the same kink, you learn that. If only one does (or neither does), it’s silent:

https://www.weshouldtryit.com/
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post #12 of 123 (permalink) Old 09-16-2019, 03:26 PM
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Re: Wives not feeling sexually "safe" enough to open up to their husband

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Originally Posted by bandit.45 View Post
I think more often than not, some women (not all) control the type of sex they have with their husbands as a means of maintaining a certain control over the marital relationship. I don't buy this argument that the reason women won't share their kinks with their husbands because they don't "feel safe" with them is a cop-out. It is just an excuse most of the time. What it really is is that they don't want to lose what leverage they have within the relationship.

If feeling "safe" were really the case, why do some women have affairs with sleazy, alpha-wolf scumbags, who often are far below their husbands in terms of wage-earning and stability? You're telling me they feel "safer" with these scrubs than they do their husbands? Doesn't make sense. It is the same reason they put out for every cute, clueless jock in college: because he was temporary toy to be used and cast away when no longer needed. But a wife needs her husband, so the sex rules are different.

Women don't have anything to lose with men they are not committed to, so they feel free to fly their freak flag. A woman doesn't care if Jose the hunky poolboy doesn't respect her, because she's going to be tossing him aside as soon as she's through using him. But she has to maintain her husband's respect, so she needs to put restrictions on the type of sex she allows him to have with her, so that hubby doesn't think of her as loose or cheap and so lose his desire to stay married to her. Which in itself is a crock of sh!t reasoning. Most men want to do whatever they can, within reason, to sexually please their wives.
And guys can be the same.

At least when I was young and single; who among us, when sex is going to happen, if dating someone we can choose to never see again; see how much it what one could "make" her do?

Now, nothing against her will, unpleasant or obnoxiously, but if a woman goes down a path, just how far will she go?

If she was having a good time, just let her be as hot and bothered as she wants, in public and in private.

I've been surprised at the things certain women have instigated once they knew I was on board and obviously non-judgmental but in awe of their hotness.

Give a woman confidence and there's no end to their imagination and actions regarding sexual activities.

That's been my guiding principle since 12yrs old and a teenage girl / neighbor exploring her new sexuality stuck her hand down my pants more than a few times. She told her girlfriends and my "awakening" was off and running.

My takeaway was women will show us what they want if we'll only pay attention.
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post #13 of 123 (permalink) Old 09-16-2019, 03:27 PM
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Quote:
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lila View Post
What do you mean by this? Do you think they don't want to feel out of control?
I think more often than not, some women (not all) control the type of sex they have with their husbands as a means of maintaining a certain control over the marital relationship. I don't buy this argument that the reason women won't share their kinks with their husbands because they don't "feel safe" with them is a cop-out. It is just an excuse most of the time. What it really is is that they don't want to lose what leverage they have within the relationship.

If feeling "safe" were really the case, why do some women have affairs with sleazy, alpha-wolf scumbags, who often are far below their husbands in terms of wage-earning and stability? You're telling me they feel "safer" with these scrubs than they do their husbands? Doesn't make sense. It is the same reason they put out for every cute, clueless jock in college: because he was temporary toy to be used and cast away when no longer needed. But a wife needs her husband, so the sex rules are different.

Women don't have anything to lose with men they are not committed to, so they feel free to fly their freak flag. A woman doesn't care if Jose the hunky poolboy doesn't respect her, because she's going to be tossing him aside as soon as she's through using him. But she has to maintain her husband's respect, so she needs to put restrictions on the type of sex she allows him to have with her, so that hubby doesn't think of her as loose or cheap and so lose his desire to stay married to her. Which in itself is a crock of sh!t reasoning. Most men want to do whatever they can, within reason, to sexually please their wives.
This
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post #14 of 123 (permalink) Old 09-16-2019, 03:30 PM
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Re: Wives not feeling sexually "safe" enough to open up to their husband

What about the flipside? Wives feeling ashamed and even reactive to their past? They're not at all unhappy with their husband but they don't want to be reminded of what went on before, a life that was fun based on desire more than practicality. They may have had to turn that part of their thinking off to accept the future. So when you bring something up like their fantasies, you're asking them to be thinking about their past life, prior to you, and they've spent a lot of time telling themselves that's not who they are anymore.

I'm not suggesting a generalization, that this is usually the case. Just that sometimes it is, and that it's not because your wife isn't in love with you. Not that I'm having a very tough time dealing with this myself...

But in such a case as I'm presenting, the wife really doesn't want to dwell on things that remind her of that past. Which is why I think it is so important to make sure, going into a marriage, that you've really looked into this stuff first. Your LTR-to-be may have an agenda. To her, it's not an evil agenda. In fact, she doesn't at all understand why you, the husband, would be upset about her thinking she valued you for much more than just sex.

So you can see why a wife might not be open, at all, to discussion about fantasies and truthfulness about sexuality in general. When you became husband material, her thinking changed. She thinks, for the better. And now you're questioning her about the stuff she intentionally left behind. To become a better person even. Think about that.

Again, not a generalization. Just something that might be appropriate for some. Speaking of generalization, the woman who thinks as I described here, very likely is not here (on TAM) because she's not looking for a discussion of sexuality. Because again, that's her past, not her present. Being here would be in conflict with many years of her rationalization of who she was vs who she is.
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post #15 of 123 (permalink) Old 09-16-2019, 03:35 PM
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Re: Wives not feeling sexually "safe" enough to open up to their husband

I think there are a lot of not very sexual people who still masturbate and have fantasies. This does not mean they want to live out those fantasies nor does it mean they even want to have partnered sex.

I don’t think chasing down what her “fantasies” are is the way to get a woman to be more sexual with you.
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