Great marriage... extremely frustrated in bed. - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #46 of 61 (permalink) Old 10-01-2019, 03:50 PM
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Re: Great marriage... extremely frustrated in bed.

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Originally Posted by Diana7 View Post
After the birth.
I think its awesome that a spouse would not refuse their spouse sex even if they didn't always 'feel' like it. Its shows unselfishness and love and that marriage isn't always about me me me, but you and us.
If we never did anything we didn't feel like doing then little would get done.
I gotta give it to @Diana7 here.

She didn't say have a semblance of sex by just laying there for H, she did say have sex; I'll give her the benefit of of believing she means good and passionate sex, that it wouldn't be passive-aggressive starfish sex.
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post #47 of 61 (permalink) Old 10-01-2019, 04:05 PM
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Re: Great marriage... extremely frustrated in bed.

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I gotta give it to @Diana7 here.

She didn't say have a semblance of sex by just laying there for H, she did say have sex; I'll give her the benefit of of believing she means good and passionate sex, that it wouldn't be passive-aggressive starfish sex.
Yes I meant good sex, not something done grudgingly or with resentment.
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post #48 of 61 (permalink) Old 10-01-2019, 04:07 PM
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Re: Great marriage... extremely frustrated in bed.

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Originally Posted by happiness27 View Post
Oh, crst-on-a-stick...

A person can't control what thoughts fly through their minds during sex. Even one of our therapists who had a divinity degree and was very spiritual (he's a marriage counselor) said that stuff floats through your mind when you're wanting an O. That doesn't mean you are wishing for a different person to be with!

I get pretty dirty thinking during sex. I'm not going: "Ah, dah'ling, the sparkle in your eyes is so lovely..." - I doubt I could write what I'm thinking here because it would just be a bunch of asterisks.

And I want him to be saying a bunch of stuff. I can't even write this without getting hot. I'm sure you don't mean what you said in a shaming way.
Ok we cant stop things popping into our heads, but we can control what stays there. Our minds are 100% under our control.
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post #49 of 61 (permalink) Old 10-01-2019, 04:13 PM
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Re: Great marriage... extremely frustrated in bed.

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Originally Posted by Diana7 View Post
Yes I meant good sex, not something done grudgingly or with resentment.
See? Kudos to @Diana7. And I believe her. 👍👍
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post #50 of 61 (permalink) Old 10-01-2019, 04:13 PM
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Re: Great marriage... extremely frustrated in bed.

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Ok we cant stop things popping into our heads, but we can control what stays there. Our minds are 100% under our control.
Yeah, you're right.
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post #51 of 61 (permalink) Old 10-01-2019, 04:20 PM
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Re: Great marriage... extremely frustrated in bed.

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Originally Posted by Diana7 View Post
Yes I meant good sex, not something done grudgingly or with resentment.
If a person is doing sex grudgingly and/or with resentment, that's a passive-aggressive message...maybe?

It's like, I'm angry at you about something so I'm going to withhold enhancing or participating happily in your pleasure.

So...what are the possible messages there by the grudgingly submitting spouse?

1.) I don't want to have sex but if I don't, you'll be angry with me and want to fight about it.
2.) The foreplay is too short so I'm not going to enjoy this, therefore, I would like to just get this over with as quickly as possible.
3.) We're fighting and, to you, sex is going to make things better but to me, that's not true.

I don't know - ^^^^ I just made some stuff up ^^^^

As long as we're constructively exploring what is happening here, what do you guys think about that?
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post #52 of 61 (permalink) Old 10-01-2019, 04:25 PM
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Re: Great marriage... extremely frustrated in bed.

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This is the part that jumps out at me. She does not attribute sexual desire as something that is loving. Based on your comments about her past, it is possible she has experienced a lot of chemistry with someone that wanted nothing emotionally to do with her immediately afterwards. Or perhaps she has experienced herself towards someone in that she just wanted sex and nothing else.

I felt the same as you and here is a post I once made about it https://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-ma...ex-spouse.html

The thread blew up, but the gist of it gets into different views on carnal lust in marriage versus an emotional desire to love and feel loved. Some people strongly believe the two can not be mixed and others would disagree.
Not wanting to generalize for "all men" though I believe many are this way;

speaking for myself both carnal and emotional times are common for me, us.

I lean towards carnal at the end mostly, especially after lengthy sessions, sometimes the whole time, and so does DW. And other times it's slower and yet still just as passionate.

Imho both frames of mind are needed for a complete relationship.
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post #53 of 61 (permalink) Old 10-01-2019, 04:32 PM
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Re: Great marriage... extremely frustrated in bed.

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Originally Posted by happiness27 View Post
If a person is doing sex grudgingly and/or with resentment, that's a passive-aggressive message...maybe?

It's like, I'm angry at you about something so I'm going to withhold enhancing or participating happily in your pleasure.

So...what are the possible messages there by the grudgingly submitting spouse?

1.) I don't want to have sex but if I don't, you'll be angry with me and want to fight about it.
2.) The foreplay is too short so I'm not going to enjoy this, therefore, I would like to just get this over with as quickly as possible.
3.) We're fighting and, to you, sex is going to make things better but to me, that's not true.

I don't know - ^^^^ I just made some stuff up ^^^^

As long as we're constructively exploring what is happening here, what do you guys think about that?
Sex grudgingly is poor at best. That is indeed the truth.

Now we still have sex even if we're fighting but that's an agreement we made long ago to still fool around even during a scuffle, and that's never grudge sex, sometimes it's rough and rowdy ❤❤❤ yet we thoroughly enjoy.
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post #54 of 61 (permalink) Old 10-01-2019, 04:34 PM
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Re: Great marriage... extremely frustrated in bed.

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Sex grudgingly is poor at best. That is indeed the truth.

Now we still have sex even if we're fighting but that's an agreement we made long ago to still fool around even during a scuffle, and that's never grudge sex, sometimes it's rough and rowdy ❤❤❤ yet we thoroughly enjoy.
Grudgingly performed sex is a way of (poorly) communicating.

What is a solution?

There needs to be a list of solutions to this. It just shouldn't happen at all.
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post #55 of 61 (permalink) Old 10-01-2019, 04:41 PM
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Re: Great marriage... extremely frustrated in bed.

Now I don't have that answer.

My first thought if that happened I'd keep it going, not just PIV, but the whole female anatomy in play just to see what can be made to happen, and have my way any way I wanted to, while listening to some blues music.

But you've hit on the magic mystery question. 😉😉😉
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post #56 of 61 (permalink) Old 10-01-2019, 04:42 PM
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Re: Great marriage... extremely frustrated in bed.

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Now I don't have that answer.

My first thought if that happened I'd keep it going, not just PIV, but the whole female anatomy in play just to see what can be made to happen, and have my way any way I wanted to, while listening to some blues music.

But you've hit on the magic mystery question. 😉😉😉
...or the mystery solution.
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post #57 of 61 (permalink) Old 10-01-2019, 04:57 PM
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Great marriage... extremely frustrated in bed.

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Originally Posted by Diana7 View Post
Ok we cant stop things popping into our heads, but we can control what stays there. Our minds are 100% under our control.

I wish....
And who or where is this ‘us’ that supposedly has control over our minds?
Doesn’t God have control over our minds? Or devil. I forgot which one.


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Last edited by InMyPrime; 10-01-2019 at 05:03 PM.
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post #58 of 61 (permalink) Old 10-01-2019, 05:02 PM
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Re: Great marriage... extremely frustrated in bed.

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Originally Posted by Ragnar Ragnasson View Post
Sex grudgingly is poor at best.

How can you tell? If you turn her around?

Though it’s true..sometimes I look at her ass and it looks so passive aggressive, that I just want to exorcise the devil out of it, by spanking it really hard



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post #59 of 61 (permalink) Old 10-03-2019, 04:05 PM
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Re: Great marriage... extremely frustrated in bed.

Passive aggressive in the bedroom is truly the sh*ttiest thing a partner can do. We are all our most vulnerable having sex - and that is truly a cruel thing to do to another person. You'd have to really hate them.
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post #60 of 61 (permalink) Old 10-07-2019, 11:42 AM
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Re: Great marriage... extremely frustrated in bed.

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Originally Posted by happiness27 View Post
So...what are the possible messages there by the grudgingly submitting spouse?

1.) I don't want to have sex but if I don't, you'll be angry with me and want to fight about it.
2.) The foreplay is too short so I'm not going to enjoy this, therefore, I would like to just get this over with as quickly as possible.
3.) We're fighting and, to you, sex is going to make things better but to me, that's not true.
Let me add one:

4) I was sexually abused or raped in the past. I have ongoing PTSD about sex. I do not want to admit that because (i) I do not want to feel "tainted", (ii) I do not want to feel guilty about not seeking help to deal with it, and/or (iii) I do not want to give you ammunition to use against me. So I will keep you in the dark about an important aspect of my sexuality, with the aim of distracting you from the real reason I only ever grudgingly submit and am never enthusiastic.

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Originally Posted by happiness27 View Post
Passive aggressive in the bedroom is truly the sh*ttiest thing a partner can do. We are all our most vulnerable having sex - and that is truly a cruel thing to do to another person. You'd have to really hate them.
Or be really really scared about admitting the truth.

When you can see it coming, duck!
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