Sexless Marriage...depression... Lost hope - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
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post #46 of 73 (permalink) Old 11-06-2019, 04:06 PM
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Re: Sexless Marriage...depression... Lost hope

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Hi All, thanks for the many responses. Just to clarify a few things.

Yes, we have talked about this numerous times. We agree that we should have set date nights, because you can't go from nothing to full on. However, these date nights don't happen. Dam it, someone has to instigate that. The other week I sent a message to my wife saying let's have dinner together after the kids have gone to bed. She forgot, ate dinner with the kids, and then I was so fed up I didn't bother with anything. Neither did she.

Sometimes when we go out, we both get dressed up, come home, then go to bed. Nothing.

She knows everything I mentioned in my post. But there is a history in our marriage of raising problems and no changes being made.

I'm fairly sure there is nobody else. I don't think our marriage is missing love, its just missing intimacy and physicality. Without which the live will wane I am sure.

I explained to her two weeks ago that we can't carry on like this.
"Wife why are you sabotaging our date nights?" You need to start to see this as deliberate choices by your wife, not just events that she is powerless to control.

Maybe you need to be more selfish for a while. Your wife has no problem being so. Lots of women are attracted to aloof men.

Besides that why not get your Mom or someone to watch the kids and book a hotel and a nice restaurant in the city or something. Take her out to buy a dress ahead of time. Send her some texts, tell he she is hot. Kiss her neck. Whatever it is. Pay attention to when she talks and tells you something is important to her and make a mental note. Then speak to her about it or provide it when the time is right. The point is you want to make that connection.

But because it has to be said. Your wife is a SAHM right? You should probably do some checking. Did you check your phone, do you have access to her phone? I know it sucks but it happens all the time. SAH parents have lots of time on their hands.

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post #47 of 73 (permalink) Old 11-06-2019, 04:20 PM
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Re: Sexless Marriage...depression... Lost hope

Usually when tho moderator plays the thread jack card, and I can't identify the thread jack I abandon the thread as a bad job.
But today, especially after reading this all too familiar tale, I just don't give a ****.

I'm here to address the OP ( @Spacehog )'s problem by talking directly to him. You have neatly crossed off most of the common problems. You have indeed done the right things. There are 2 things that are a bit iffy. The first is Quality time. I'm no expert on this. In fact I once started a whole thread just to figure out what "quality time" is. (turns out it is whatever the relationship needs). So you have kids down time and instead of talking, or playing, or flirting and sparking, you are watching TV that you don't even like. I get it. I've got the same problem. My only advice is to put your chair between her and the television. No promises, it might work. In my case about one in four times I knock the kindle out of her hands she actually talks to me.

Second is something that has been hinted at but not said. Many women are sexually attracted to men that they find mysterious and "interesting". This is one of those things about you that you can change. You can be "interesting". But to do it you can't be such a great husband. You have to do things that you don't tell her about. It's ok if you take the kids. In fact I recommend it. For example sign your 7 year old son up for Cub scouting, and get involved. "honey. it's cubs night, we'll grab a bite after meeting." That's it. Just go be all manly. You said you have hobbies, can they require more time? road trips? Money? Go for it. She can't be interested unless there is a mystery to solve. And if she is not interested, you are not "interesting".

Finally, you stated that you can't live in celibacy. It's too late, you are. Sex is a hobby that you only do on anniversaries, birthdays and christmas. It's like Cake, you probably wouldn't have much trouble giving up Cake, because it only happens 4 times a year. You honestly have nothing sexual to lose.
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post #48 of 73 (permalink) Old 11-06-2019, 04:35 PM
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Usually when tho moderator plays the thread jack card, and I can't identify the thread jack I abandon the thread as a bad job.
If you can't identify the thread jack then I did an excellent job of deleting it.
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post #49 of 73 (permalink) Old 11-06-2019, 04:50 PM
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Re: Sexless Marriage...depression... Lost hope

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Well, I wrote a book on the subject, so I wouldn't be a good salesman/vendor without bringing it up:



The Dead Bedroom Fix



I wrote it for guys in your exact predicament. It's available from my site or you can get on Amazon. For a while there it was ranked the #1 new release in several categories and has a five-star review. I even have a private group on Facebook for men to chat about the dead bedrooms and experience with the book.



"I get up at 6am every day with my son and give him breakfast end get him ready for school. I help with everything around the house. I cook. I do spontaneous things. I come home for kids bedtime every day." --- What you just did is THE most common thing men do that I chat with about their dead bedroom. They bring up what a great dad/husband/father/housekeeper they are. I've had men go on for over an hour about the gifts they buy, the chores, how they just built a new deck onto the back of the house, how they are the homework helper extraordinaire, how they pick up kids from school every day, etc. I will say to you what I say to them: How on Earth does any of that translate into a guy that a woman wants to ****?



Just food for thought.



Best of luck to you.


I see this kind of response on TAM so often and I guess I decided it's time to respond. LEARN your spouses language of love. If your spouses primary language is acts of service (like mine). It makes for someone I'd really like to ****. The men who are all about go to the gym blAh blah blah that works for women who are motivated by looks. But when my husband lost 80 pounds training for triathlons was when my desire dropped. Because my primary and secondary languages are acts of service and time together. Both took a hit with training 2-4 hours a days.

Be honest with your wife. Scheduling can work. You both are incredibly busy and she may not realize how little sex you both are having. Responsive desire means she gets turned on when something is happening not necessarily before, so that can make getting something going difficult. Figure out what make her tick there are surveys with the 5 languages of love. Dating your wife keeps relationships strong.


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post #50 of 73 (permalink) Old 11-06-2019, 05:06 PM
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Re: Sexless Marriage...depression... Lost hope

Ok read deeper into the thread. Don't wait for queues. If she forgets and eats dinner go out anyway. Say is like to spend time with you guess you can watch me eat while we talk. Or I'll grab a sandwich and we can go bowling instead of dinner. Don't necessarily go to the movies you need to talk be together as a couple not just mom and dad.

After spending time ( more than a day). Working on rebuilding your connection, time. Then schedule sex on one of your dates. Say I love you and I miss being with you. We get so busy and such that we hardly get a chance to be together. Let's just schedule sex so we both know it's coming and we don't make other plans. How about every "blank". Saturday morning. Let the kids stay up a little late on Friday you guys get up about an hour before they do.

And don't underestimate how much children can zap a woman's libido. We get touched out, everyone wants a piece of me out. Emotionally exhausted.


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post #51 of 73 (permalink) Old 11-06-2019, 05:28 PM
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Re: Sexless Marriage...depression... Lost hope

Donít wait for subtle signs from her. Initiate. Donít be so passive. Some women love when their man aggressively initiates.
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post #52 of 73 (permalink) Old 11-06-2019, 05:31 PM
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Re: Sexless Marriage...depression... Lost hope

OP, something that is important to note.

All of the suggestions from people regarding love languages, empathy for being busy or parents, household chores, etc., are all important...but not most important.

Most important is if your wife is willing to meet you somewhere near half way.

If she isn't, all of the aforementioned will be like adding water to a bucket full of holes...and will only serve to frustrate you further.

Your attitude should be incredibly simple, direct, and completely serious:

We either make our marriage great together, or we find great with someone else.

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post #53 of 73 (permalink) Old 11-06-2019, 06:13 PM
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Re: Sexless Marriage...depression... Lost hope

I would caution you strongly against bringing up divorce unless you are really ready to take that step. Don't do it as a bluff. It will be shocking for her--an unemployed SAHM--to hear and will change the relationship. Maybe it will change it for the better, but maybe it will create fear and uncertainty in her that pulls her away. If you need some time apart, just phrase it that you need time to clear your head and think things through. But again, don't throw out separation as a bluff. It should only be done if you are ready to take that step. You should try things like reading marriage books, counseling, etc. that are more about building a strong relationship. If she pushes back and shuts down, then it's clearer what steps you'll need to take next.

I'm not too surprised that she's worn out in the evening and just wants to chill and relax. Is there anything you can to do have productive relaxation times other than TV? Like, if you have a patio, get a fire pit, a 2-seater swinging bench, and some cozy blankets. Then instead of watching TV, sit by the fire drinking wine and chatting. She'll get her relaxation time, but you'll also be strengthening your emotional relationship.
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post #54 of 73 (permalink) Old 11-06-2019, 06:30 PM
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Re: Sexless Marriage...depression... Lost hope

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Originally Posted by Spacehog View Post
Hi All, thanks for the many responses. Just to clarify a few things.

Yes, we have talked about this numerous times. We agree that we should have set date nights, because you can't go from nothing to full on. However, these date nights don't happen. Dam it, someone has to instigate that. The other week I sent a message to my wife saying let's have dinner together after the kids have gone to bed. She forgot, ate dinner with the kids, and then I was so fed up I didn't bother with anything. Neither did she.

Sometimes when we go out, we both get dressed up, come home, then go to bed. Nothing.

She knows everything I mentioned in my post. But there is a history in our marriage of raising problems and no changes being made.

I'm fairly sure there is nobody else. I don't think our marriage is missing love, its just missing intimacy and physicality. Without which the live will wane I am sure.

I explained to her two weeks ago that we can't carry on like this.
I would really hate your approach and would hate you thinking a date - throw a dog a bone, in other words - will get you sex. I'm horny most of the time and have a happy, if not exhausted husband, but you wouldn't get any from me. You also wouldn't get any by the methods, threats, ultimatums, and she ought to just do it mentalies people are telling you to employ. You have responded to several of them, and I'm wondering why you haven't responded to my post. In none of your responses have I read you say anything about spending time with your wife. You only mentioned the talks and the dates you plan to get sex. You say you don't go about it under that pretext, but your wife isn't stupid. She knows. What she gets out of your discussions and date planning is you demanding sex. The only questions are if she feels she has reasons for resentment (which you can't tell us), whether she feels otherwise neglected, and whether the sexual encounters give her satisfaction. These are three reasons women sometimes don't want to have to sex. The are others, such as some women losing libido and don't know why, but these are the three main ones.

It's interesting that the responses to these no-sex kinds of threads always jump on the poster's side to point to the wife and how awful and inconsiderate and disrespectful and unloving she is, so I guess I can understand you ignoring my post that doesn't entirely support your point of view and might suggest that something is required of you, or that you may in some way contribute to her lack of desire. But just food for thought, the responses you received in this thread are exact repeats of the responses in all the other threads of this topic. And please believe they are numerous, almost daily, and almost daily down through the years. Believe also that I've never read anybody come back to report any kind of improvement in their sex life, so I'm not really sure why so many people continue to repeat the same unhelpful advice, commiserations, and wife bashing.

I'm only trying to submit a different approach and method, one that takes your wife's needs into consideration in order to get your needs addressed. In another article, How Can A Husband Receive The Sex He Needs, Dr. Harley notes that getting the sex you need requires negotiation, which is the reason I said something is required of you. Understanding that something is required of you is half your battle. Knowing what is required and properly executing that strategy gets you claiming victory....on a regular, if not frequent basis. Read his article and incorporate his instructions with @Anastasia6's suggestions.

Just to note there was one person I've heard of that had success in improving their sex life because they had their wife read an online article/blog that she found helpful. But I can't remember the name of it. If anyone knows what I'm referring to, please post a link to the blog. The title goes something like "The ____________ Wife." I can tell you it's definitely NOT the book titled "The Surrendered Wife" by Laura Doyle. The blank line stood for a different word.
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post #55 of 73 (permalink) Old 11-06-2019, 06:46 PM
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Re: Sexless Marriage...depression... Lost hope

LOL After spending most of the day trying to find this blog, I remembered the name shortly after posting above.

The Forgiven Wife

There are lots of articles and resources, and she also has articles For Husbands, For Wives, and Understanding Your Wife.

Much of her blog is religious-based but the concepts are universal, so if you and/or your wife are not religious, there is still a lot to glean from her articles. You read and ask your wife to read. I hope it helps.
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post #56 of 73 (permalink) Old 11-07-2019, 03:46 PM
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Re: Sexless Marriage...depression... Lost hope

All of the above is true, because different low desire spouses react differently to each potential "cure".
If your spouse won't tell you what he or she needs (they may not know), you have to proceed by trial and error and informed guessing.
In some substantial portion of sexless marriage cases, one of the previously mentioned behavioral changes would work. But no one of them works for every low desire spouse.

Then again, in a non-trivial portion of the "sexless marriage" cases, the problem is that your spouse married someone they do not find even remotely sexually attractive, but find very attractive for the role of spouse and daily companion. In those cases, nothing will work and it is just a question of how much abuse you are willing to take until you call it quits.

What makes this excruciatingly difficult is that there is no easy and reliable test to determine whether you are among the fixable or the unfixable. But if you had to bet money, bet on how much sex you had the first year you were together. If you had lots of sex the first year, good chance you are among the fixable. If you had little sex and got many promises that "things will get better once we get to know one another better", good bet that you are among the unfixable.

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post #57 of 73 (permalink) Old 11-11-2019, 11:42 AM
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Hey brother, it sounds like you’ve got a great woman who is spending her days and nights in “mommy mode” and frankly it’s your job to pull her out of it. You do that by taking her away at least once a week, wooing her continually, and when you get her warmed up- you advance on her until you’ve brought her back into “woman and lover” mode at which point you make passionate love to her, repeatedly. Remind her she was your lover first.

I get the feeling you’re being too passive. I bet you weren’t that passive when you were dating. Remember, as the man it IS your job to woo and pursue!

You’d also be less resentful if you just “took” her sometimes. Next time she goes off to take a shower, just go jump in there with her and take her. I started doing this (albeit selfish) act recently and my wife has actually thanked me for it... she was happy to oblige my need, it made her feel sexy, and desired.

Just remember, if you aren’t having sex, it’s really YOUR fault because you’re in charge. This assumes you haven’t done something awful such that she hates you....
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post #58 of 73 (permalink) Old 11-11-2019, 12:28 PM
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Nope. I don't get this at all. This post reads like a woman is a child in the areas of life of keeping up a close relationship and sex life. No agency. No responsibility. No accountability. It's a man's JOB alone to make sure a woman balances the areas of her life? It's a man's job alone to make sure a couple has a sex life? No. Both partners need to participate in this.

Men: In 2019, both partners are responsible for keeping a relationship close and good, and women really do have personalities, and responsibilities to a relationship.

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Hey brother, it sounds like you’ve got a great woman who is spending her days and nights in “mommy mode” and frankly it’s your job to pull her out of it. You do that by taking her away at least once a week, wooing her continually, and when you get her warmed up- you advance on her until you’ve brought her back into “woman and lover” mode at which point you make passionate love to her, repeatedly. Remind her she was your lover first.

I get the feeling you’re being too passive. I bet you weren’t that passive when you were dating. Remember, as the man it IS your job to woo and pursue!

You’d also be less resentful if you just “took” her sometimes. Next time she goes off to take a shower, just go jump in there with her and take her. I started doing this (albeit selfish) act recently and my wife has actually thanked me for it... she was happy to oblige my need, it made her feel sexy, and desired.

Just remember, if you aren’t having sex, it’s really YOUR fault because you’re in charge. This assumes you haven’t done something awful such that she hates you....
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post #59 of 73 (permalink) Old 11-11-2019, 12:29 PM
 
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Re: Sexless Marriage...depression... Lost hope

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I see this kind of response on TAM so often and I guess I decided it's time to respond. LEARN your spouses language of love. If your spouses primary language is acts of service (like mine). It makes for someone I'd really like to ****. The men who are all about go to the gym blAh blah blah that works for women who are motivated by looks. But when my husband lost 80 pounds training for triathlons was when my desire dropped. Because my primary and secondary languages are acts of service and time together. Both took a hit with training 2-4 hours a days.
I talk to a lot of guys about this topic... and the vast majority are well-aware of the "love languages" theory and have acts of serviced themselves right into the deadest of bedrooms. Wife: "I like when you do things that help our family, like helping me clean the house, picking up the kids, fixing things..." Husband: "You got it! I will be the bestest husband in the world!"

*months go by with no sex*

If you're truly sexually aroused by your husband's ability to help out around the house and get nothing out of him being a fit, healthy and independent man who reaches the goal of completing a triathlon... I'm thinking you're in the minority.

"More Lover, less Provider" is what I prescribe to these guys and it works almost every time.


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post #60 of 73 (permalink) Old 11-11-2019, 02:35 PM
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Re: Sexless Marriage...depression... Lost hope

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Nope. I don't get this at all. This post reads like a woman is a child in the areas of life of keeping up a close relationship and sex life. No agency. No responsibility. No accountability. It's a man's JOB alone to make sure a woman balances the areas of her life? It's a man's job alone to make sure a couple has a sex life? No. Both partners need to participate in this.

Men: In 2019, both partners are responsible for keeping a relationship close and good, and women really do have personalities, and responsibilities to a relationship.
@Livvie, without calling out specific posters, there are threads that have been active within the last week where this very thing has been noted, with suggestions that they live with it while finding ways around it.

By no stretch am I suggesting it to be an always / never occurrence, but it is far more common than some would like to believe.

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