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Sexless Marriage...depression... Lost hope

15K views 72 replies 38 participants last post by  EleGirl 
#1 ·
We have been married for ten years now. My wife is fantastic in so many ways she is a wonderful mother to our two small children. I run a business and she is stay at home, our eldest is at school, youngest at nursery. She is kind, funny, we dont argue in destructive ways but....

Our sex life is dead. We have sex maybe four or five times a year. It's as if the entire universe has to align for this to happen. I feel like an old man, but I'm not old. I'm in good shape, and I don't think I'm a bad catch (just being objective!). The lack of intimacy is eating at my soul, I can barely stand it. I feel sad and alone. I do so much for my family, it's no chore, I love them. I have built a business that gives me flexibility. I get up at 6am every day with my son and give him breakfast end get him ready for school. I help with everything around the house. I cook. I do spontaneous things. I come home for kids bedtime every day. I have my own interests and friends. I don't pressure for anything. This lack of intimacy has crept up on me and I have a sick, hollow feeling. There is anger and growing resentment too. It's worse becuase I find her incredibly attractive. Our physical relationship before marriage was incredible. When we do have sex now, she says she can't understand why we dont do it more often, because it's great.

I feel like I'm sinking in to a void. I feel depressed and on the verge of tears sometimes. It scares me where our marriage will end up, at some point I will break. We have talked about this many times, she agrees that the mindset needs to change, but nothing ever does, until there is another breaking point. How many breaking points do there have to be? Do I have to walk out to make it stick that our marriage needs to be a priority?

To add insult to injury, we will often have interactions that hint at sex, but then it just dies...

Help.
 
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#56 ·
All of the above is true, because different low desire spouses react differently to each potential "cure".
If your spouse won't tell you what he or she needs (they may not know), you have to proceed by trial and error and informed guessing.
In some substantial portion of sexless marriage cases, one of the previously mentioned behavioral changes would work. But no one of them works for every low desire spouse.

Then again, in a non-trivial portion of the "sexless marriage" cases, the problem is that your spouse married someone they do not find even remotely sexually attractive, but find very attractive for the role of spouse and daily companion. In those cases, nothing will work and it is just a question of how much abuse you are willing to take until you call it quits.

What makes this excruciatingly difficult is that there is no easy and reliable test to determine whether you are among the fixable or the unfixable. But if you had to bet money, bet on how much sex you had the first year you were together. If you had lots of sex the first year, good chance you are among the fixable. If you had little sex and got many promises that "things will get better once we get to know one another better", good bet that you are among the unfixable.
 
#57 ·
Hey brother, it sounds like you’ve got a great woman who is spending her days and nights in “mommy mode” and frankly it’s your job to pull her out of it. You do that by taking her away at least once a week, wooing her continually, and when you get her warmed up- you advance on her until you’ve brought her back into “woman and lover” mode at which point you make passionate love to her, repeatedly. Remind her she was your lover first.

I get the feeling you’re being too passive. I bet you weren’t that passive when you were dating. Remember, as the man it IS your job to woo and pursue!

You’d also be less resentful if you just “took” her sometimes. Next time she goes off to take a shower, just go jump in there with her and take her. I started doing this (albeit selfish) act recently and my wife has actually thanked me for it... she was happy to oblige my need, it made her feel sexy, and desired.

Just remember, if you aren’t having sex, it’s really YOUR fault because you’re in charge. This assumes you haven’t done something awful such that she hates you....
 
#58 ·
Nope. I don't get this at all. This post reads like a woman is a child in the areas of life of keeping up a close relationship and sex life. No agency. No responsibility. No accountability. It's a man's JOB alone to make sure a woman balances the areas of her life? It's a man's job alone to make sure a couple has a sex life? No. Both partners need to participate in this.

Men: In 2019, both partners are responsible for keeping a relationship close and good, and women really do have personalities, and responsibilities to a relationship.
 
#61 ·
My wife is the hyper vigilant mother type that would literally lay down her life for her kids... I do consider it my job (and a bit of a game and even responsibility) to bring her out of that role... I mean, we BOTH have to serve each other’s needs. My need is for her as my beautiful lover so I’m glad to encourage this sometimes dormant aspect of her personality. Flowers, wine, and listening bring my wife out of her “shell”. Works like magic. It isn’t transactional though... rather I try and set the mood and await my chance. Dirty talk, innuendo, sit down talks about “my needs” get you nowhere! Hugs, genuine care and support and love and a little romance is what brings my wife out of mommy mode. This is my experience, and my wife and I have more kids and probably been parents for a decade longer than most.

My wife’s not a child. She often has to bring me out of “worker mode” as I tend to get obsessed with work. The point is, we can all get a little stuck in our own heads and need to be pulled back to reality!
 
#63 ·
Spacehog, you seem awfully passive about this. It could be that you just have to insist on sex right now. As it is, she doesn't have to do anything. You support her and she takes advantage of you, as though you are last on the list. I hate to say it, but maybe her mind is somewhere else, or
on somebody else. Cheaters can devise ways to cheat that would never occur to a non-cheater. If it were me, I's file. That might get her attention.
 
#64 ·
I'll have to check out that book too. I posted a question about how my wife recently shared her journals with me and sex was great before our first child...he is 7 now and things started to really fizzle following his birth. My wife had said she wanted to have another baby and I said that would be awesome but we should practice more and we had another baby 2 years later and she's five now. I got really depressed over not having sex...3x in 2019, 6 times in 2018, 11 times in 2017, and 16 times in 2016. It's pretty bad when I have the stats on this too. Throw in getting laid off from 4 companies and my father who was in and out of the hospital and past away, I really felt at the lowest in my life.

I love my wife very much, I'm very attracted to her, and she even admitted being neglectful. She also mentioned a couple times that she really doesn't enjoy sex, so I've been very patient. When she shared her journal with me, she also had a notation in there when she was 20 that said "I have yet to get pleasure from sex". We discussed the lack of intimacy before the new year and she said she would put effort in to do it more...granted that since Dec. 31, we're up to 3 times...she also joked that we're ahead of where we've been last year...I was not amused. The thing that kills me are so many times she's asked if I would like a BJ later and they never happen and this morning she told me how happy and in love she is with me and she wanted to get "frisky" tonight...that never happened.

The big thing I've done is a lot of reflecting on me. for the past month I have been going to the gym everyday. I do some things I like and I talk to friends. I also jump in to help out with anything I can do even if she's not happy with the way I load the dishwasher or do the kids laundry. I started a new job back in September where I work from home, so I jump in and do everything. It has freaked her out because she said she's seen all this and she did ask me if I met someone. Which I have not. We've been together going on 14 years, 10 of which are married. I've been focusing on my sanity and health and I figure if things don't shape up, we need to see a counselor or as much as I would hate to, it might be time to separate. I've been focused on my kids but enough is enough.

One other thing that has bothered me is a comment about my wanting to change my wife because not only have I asked for more intimacy, from time to time I like to see her in lingerie and heels. I've expressed that I love the way she is, she's beautiful, sexy, intelligent, and the occasions she wears those things is like having beautiful wrapping paper on a beautiful present.

In some ways I feel as if I was duped but it was also a running joke with friends that when she was pregnant the first time, oh my life would change.
 
#68 ·
if I would like a BJ later and they never happen and this morning she told me how happy and in love she is with me and she wanted to get "frisky" tonight...that never happened.
It’s been my experience that these statements have very short-lived expiration times.

. One other thing that has bothered me is a comment about my wanting to change my wife because not only have I asked for more intimacy, from time to time I like to see her in lingerie and heels. I've expressed that I love the way she is, she's beautiful, sexy, intelligent, and the occasions she wears those things is like having beautiful wrapping paper on a beautiful present.

This has bugged me always. Having two main things TAKEN from me and painting me into a corner:

1) I’m supposed to have only eyes for my wife so I give them to her. Compliments, etc. She then takes that away from me with her insecurities, anxiety, lower self-esteem by covering up, dressing frumpy and shaming me for looking at her that way. God forbid see she’s me looking in the direction of another woman. Well if you don’t want my eyes what I do with it?

2) I’m supposed to give her my erotic love and fantasize only for her. She then takes that away from me with low energy sex, arbitrary desire expiration times, excuses, and shaming me for being horny. Well if you don’t want give or take erotic love then what I supposed to do?

This is why less men are not married getting. They’re being painted into a corner and the cost to leave is half your stuff + alimony + child support.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 
#65 ·
Wow, I am in less than sexless. Nothing in almost 4 years. I am so baffled how this happens. I know people do not intentionally do this or mean to, but lately that song "WICKED GAME" seems to ring a bell, there is some weird dynamic with this in marriages. Its ****ed to say the least, men always expected to provide and support no matter how we feel. Seems like wives always have feeling conditions, its like very their way ...They can do something and have no boundaries when they want something or want to do it .. then conditions show up when it comes to your partner and their needs ? LOL
 
#66 ·
Sometimes wives go off sex. Especially after having kids. We'll never know why. It is what it is. It's soul-destroying, but I believe men should be taught that sex doesn't last forever. I don't think men should get married if they won't be able to accept this. It might be a strange idea, but going into marriage "prepared" or not going at all would save a lot of heartache... especially if you are a silly romantic person like me.
 
#69 ·
A number of posters in the thread recommended pretty strong reactions in order to try to get these lower libido wives in bed. Seems like the simplest solution is to just try. Also, treat yourself with respect and treat your marriage like an equal partnership. That should help maintain the attraction level IMHO.
 
#73 ·
@Spacehog,

A lot of marriages suffer from the same thing yours is suffering from. The two of you have ignored your relationship and put your energy into the tasks of family instead of the passion of marriage.

The relationship between you and your wife should be the priority, it's the foundation of your family. And, if you and your wife stay together you two will be alone with each other long after your children are grown and gone. Always put the most effort into that which will be around the longest.

There is a saying that I like. It's a bit simple but gets the idea across. "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."

In a relationship, for men physical intimacy is usually enough to continue his passion for his wife. Women also need a fair amount of non-sextual intimacy in order to continue to have passion for their husband. It's just the way women are wired. The problem with your marriage is not ONLY that it's sexless (less than 10 times a year is considered sexless), the problem is first that your marriage relationship is badly broken. You have to fix the relationship and get the non-sexual intimacy back before your wife's desire for sexual intimacy will return.

From what you have written here, there is no non-sexual intimacy going on in your relationship. It's really all just the business of taking care of the home and the children.

You say that you and your wife spend time together after the children are in bed but use that time to watch TV. That's not really spending time together, it's the two of you doing something separate in the same room.

A couple should spend at least 15 hours a week together in quality time, alone, without anyone else involved. This means spending time talking to each other and focusing on each other. Instead of watching TV (aka ignoring each other), you two should be talking, snuggling, etc.

While it's both of yours' responsibility to maintain your marriage relationship, your wife is not here. She most likely has issues but we don't know what they are. You have not really shared with us the things that she tells you are problems in your marriage. So we can only talk about what you can do to motivate her. You are going to have to be the person who initiates the changes since you are the one with an issue.

My suggestion is that you get the books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". Read them in that order. Do the work that they say to do. Then, after that talk to your wife about how profoundly unhappy you are about things. Tell her that you are contemplating divorce but do not really want to do that because you lover her and the children. Ask her to read the books with you and then the two of you do the work together.

There are also some good books out there on how to address a sexless marriage. Here's just one of them.

The Sex-Starved Marriage: Boosting Your Marriage Libido: A Couple's Guide
 
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