No friends with benefits we are in a tiny town everyone knows what goes on and I’d like not to shine that type of light on our home.
No he is not on any meds.
I don’t agree with LD being a get out of jail free card. I’m not asking him to serve me dialy, I am asking for sexual attention once a week. I service his kink once a week - I think I deserve to also be taken care of.
I’ve asked him to make time to go get a blood pannel done - he has yet to go as its “embarrassing”.
I’ve also expressed that he does not need to get or maintaine an erection to satisfy my needs as its not the physical act of sex that gets me to the O anyway.
If I can learn to have my feet touched and to stand on his face - yes on his face to please him and enjoy the I pleased my spouce happy feeling, I am stunned on why asking for sexual acts back done with more enthusiasm than being served a plate of raw liver is asking to much of someone even with LD at play.
Let me rephrase this question. What can WE do as a couple to encourage him to build confidence in pleasing me? What can I do to encourage a receiptive partner that does not shut down if I say thats not working?
He is fine to finger me or have actual sex which I get nothing from I NEED clitoral stimulation. I NEED to be able to lay back relax and let someone else take over my pleasure. He fumbles like a 18 year old thats just been exposed to a vagina. I am doing my best to be kind about it and do the “oo yah” that spot or go here and its all lost information. I also feed off watching my partners find enjoyment - which in this case is limited to foot/trampling fetishisms. I need him to dive in to the rest of me the way he does feet , and I’ve told him all of this. We’ve had open discussions on it and all I get back is I’m trying.
So is this actually a lost cause? Do i need to walk away from an otherwise healthy marriage?
He is a fantastic husband in all other aspects, we do not fight, he is a great Dad and even with dealing with this delicate situation where we are both frustrated we have been mindful of not taking anything or presenting anything as a personal attack.
Regular MC or IC might not be adequate. He may, no, I think he really does, need sex counseling. And it's not just "him" that needs it, but you as well, because neither of you are connecting well with the other. You think you're doing what's needed to get him off via his foot fetish, but do you really understand it? And he's clueless about what it takes to please you. There's a feedback loop that's missing. But in the end, he does have a responsibility that he is not meeting, while you certainly appear to be trying to meet his needs.
Regarding counseling and MC in particular, have either of you gone before? It's been a pretty interesting situation for my wife and I. Things you never believed you'd talk about with someone else, and it all comes out in the open. Rather comfortably so. You start looking forward to your next "safe" time to talk about embarrassing issues. Since embarrassment is keeping your husband from having a conversation with a doctor and getting tests done, the MC might be something to put at the very front of your priorities.
Frankly, if you have the financial means, you should put MC above all other priorities at the moment. Seriously. The MC will be able to recommend more-directed counseling (sex therapist) if needed. Please, don't delay. You speak very highly of your relationship outside of this. Don't wing it on your own. For what it's worth, I was quite proud of the fact that, for 63 years, I never see a therapist or counselor. They were for other people with "real" problems. I was way too embarrassed to think I had problems that I should be telling someone like that. It took a major crisis in our marriage to wake me up, and get me to IC first, then my wife and I into MC.
TAM is a great resource, but it's not a do-it-yourself tool box for all-things-relationship.