I need some .. O’s. - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 42 (permalink) Old 11-06-2019, 11:49 AM Thread Starter
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I need some .. O’s.

Its a long one brace yourselves.
I have been married for 9.5 years together for 11.5.

My husband has low drive - happy with once a week to every two weeks paired with a foot fetish. It took me a very long time to become comfortable with the fetish play and understand that I was not just a “foot”.

Now in the beginning he would put effort into me though he has never been all that comfortable doing it, he enjoys when I cum but not so much any tasks other than penetration via finger or man object. I keep asking him to spend some time on me like lets make out, kiss my neck, go down town and its all just forced and feels so unpassionate it makes me uncomfortable and I shut down.

Which is partially my fault I need clitoral stimulation so I used to do it so I could be “ready”. Now I’m just to the point of pleasing him and leaving the room instead of assisting because well dammit I’m dying for someone else to take control.

He is really submissive and lacks confidence. I’m not sure what I can do to encourage him to be confident and take over???

I’ve had a full check up health wise to rule out anything “funky” wrong with me that could be a turn off - there is not. & he confirmed theres not.

We tried scheduled nights to interact sexually with no rules just he takes over one night and I’ll take over the next. He missed all but 3 in the last 3 months his want is just so bloody low that if I am not slapping on some shoes and doing his kink to seduce him, he does not even think of sex until months have gone by. I have a high would love daily sex so we said 2 nights a week one for his stuff and one for mine and well as above he has not really followed through on his end.

My body definitely has changed in 10 years & 3 kids later that being an issue has been ruled out too my weight gain is not an issue.

I keep saying lets watch porn to get some ideas but I’m not actually ok with that I enjoy porn alone but I’m having some serious confidence issues with feeling like enough for him so I’m not a naked lady on the TV is a grand idea.

He refuses to see a therapist.

So.

I figured it’d be ok to have a sexless marriage and its not. I’m dying inside, I crave attention from a man - preferably mine. I skipped going out on ladies night because I didn’t trust myself not to cheat just to fullfil that need. I’ve been open and honest with him on this too. He knows I’ve considered affairs to get my needs met yet he still just does not have it in him to be passionate outside of his own desires.

I’m not genuinely interested in an affair or a divorce its just the “ I NEED a man” moments that get me debating wondering. Our marriage outside of sex is awesome, I couldnt have a better husband we have many mutal interests, our daily lives jive well together and even speaking on the most delicate of topics we manage to communicate open and honestly without a war happening.

So I’m asking here and maybe someone thats experienced it will be able to offer some helpful advice to help us through this for ideas on working through this and finding a middle ground we are both ok with? What else can we try?

I’ve asked him if he just wants to call it quits and the answer is always nooo he is happy and wants me to be happy too - he is just struggling to please me sexually.
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post #2 of 42 (permalink) Old 11-06-2019, 12:02 PM
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I don't think you are going to be able to "change" him. Has he always been like this? If he hasn't, and this is a drastic change from how he used to be, perhaps it's a low testosterone issue and if so, happily there are things he can do to get back on track to how he used to be!

If this isn't a change in how he relates sexually, why do you think anything is going to change-- after a decade?
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post #3 of 42 (permalink) Old 11-06-2019, 12:12 PM Thread Starter
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He has always been low drive, I don’t think its low T but that conversation has came up as well as something he should get checked. The lack of effort is new within the last 3 years. He used to try and now its just blahh like being touched by a stranger?! I just feel like after this long he’d be past questioning himself to make me happy? I think its a confidence issue is why I think its improvable.
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post #4 of 42 (permalink) Old 11-06-2019, 12:29 PM
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Re: I need some .. O’s.

The MC shouldn't be an option. If he thinks that way, that it's not needed, explain to him nicely that that's part of the problem. Explain to him that you married for more than just his with & charm. And consider the boundary talk. Because you may be concerned he's having his needs met elsewhere, and he might be concerned about the same with you. Work on what's allowed and what isn't. This should at least make him consider what could ultimately happen if he continues to act so selfishly.
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post #5 of 42 (permalink) Old 11-06-2019, 12:33 PM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Casual Observer View Post
The MC shouldn't be an option. If he thinks that way, that it's not needed, explain to him nicely that that's part of the problem. Explain to him that you married for more than just his with & charm. And consider the boundary talk. Because you may be concerned he's having his needs met elsewhere, and he might be concerned about the same with you. Work on what's allowed and what isn't. This should at least make him consider what could ultimately happen if he continues to act so selfishly.
What is MC?

I have no concerns on him being served else where and I have been open and honest about thinking maybe I should to have my needs met.
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post #6 of 42 (permalink) Old 11-06-2019, 12:35 PM
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Re: I need some .. Os.

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What is MC?

I have no concerns on him being served else where and I have been open and honest about thinking maybe I should to have my needs met.
MC= Marriage Counseling. IC = Individual Counseling.

When you say honest about having your needs met, if that means outside of your marriage, you’re talking about breaking your vows and should seek divorce first. If you do this unilaterally, it’s on you (if you go outside the marriage rather than divorce first). Assuming you wish to stay married, he needs to understand there is work for him to do. It’s not an ultimatum; it’s a choice. If he’s not up to it, then he’s given you his choice.

Last edited by Casual Observer; 11-06-2019 at 12:39 PM.
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post #7 of 42 (permalink) Old 11-06-2019, 01:27 PM
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Re: I need some .. O’s.

Just throwing this out there.... what do you think of having a friends with benefit outside the marriage. Would your husband be ok with this if its just sex and no relationship?
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post #8 of 42 (permalink) Old 11-06-2019, 01:34 PM
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Re: I need some .. Os.

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Ive asked him if he just wants to call it quits and the answer is always nooo he is happy and wants me to be happy too - he is just struggling to please me sexually.
Well, first off, if he is low drive he is low drive. That may just simply be who he is and something you simply cannot change. If he really did want to change, stay in the marriage, and make you happy though he should at a minimum get a full hormonal panel done. This could possibly provide some answers as to why is is low drive, and knowing that could lead to solutions.

He may love you, be happy, etc... but if he is no/low drive it is what it is. You can't expect someone who is low drive to just say "OK, I am going to be higher drive now".

Really, the thing that would be concerning to me is if he is just dismissive of the issue and is making no effort to help come up with a possible solution.

Is he by chance on any medication or have any health issues?

I'm bringing the pudding pops!

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post #9 of 42 (permalink) Old 11-06-2019, 01:45 PM
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Re: I need some .. Os.

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Well, first off, if he is low drive he is low drive. That may just simply be who he is and something you simply cannot change. If he really did want to change, stay in the marriage, and make you happy though he should at a minimum get a full hormonal panel done. This could possibly provide some answers as to why is is low drive, and knowing that could lead to solutions.

He may love you, be happy, etc... but if he is no/low drive it is what it is. You can't expect someone who is low drive to just say "OK, I am going to be higher drive now".

Really, the thing that would be concerning to me is if he is just dismissive of the issue and is making no effort to help come up with a possible solution.

Is he by chance on any medication or have any health issues?
What is it about sex that we let someone off the hook if they're "low drive?" There are so many things I do for my wife that I'd never be doing if not for her; things I didn't enjoy but now do because it's special for her, because making her happy makes me happy. I think, and I could be totally wrong her, but I think, if I had no sexual function at all, it would still please me greatly giving my wife Os through oral. It's not a tit-for-tat thing. It's doing something that someone you love responds to and maybe even needs.

This topic comes up so often and it's always treated as a sex thing, but I have to wonder if sex is just a symptom of a much bigger issue. A lack of pleasure and comfort that comes from making someone else happy and comfortable. Yet so many people post that, in every other way, their marriage is great. So perhaps there's actually a revulsion towards sex, not LD?
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post #10 of 42 (permalink) Old 11-06-2019, 01:58 PM
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Re: I need some .. Os.

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What is it about sex that we let someone off the hook if they're "low drive?" There are so many things I do for my wife that I'd never be doing if not for her; things I didn't enjoy but now do because it's special for her, because making her happy makes me happy. I think, and I could be totally wrong her, but I think, if I had no sexual function at all, it would still please me greatly giving my wife Os through oral. It's not a tit-for-tat thing. It's doing something that someone you love responds to and maybe even needs.

This topic comes up so often and it's always treated as a sex thing, but I have to wonder if sex is just a symptom of a much bigger issue. A lack of pleasure and comfort that comes from making someone else happy and comfortable. Yet so many people post that, in every other way, their marriage is great. So perhaps there's actually a revulsion towards sex, not LD?
It could be a myriad of things. It is not about letting someone off the hook. Simply put, if it is something that you are simply not interested in (could be for a variety of reasons), there is going to be very little motivation to do.

Hey, I am on board with you. If I lost all sexual function I would still do my best to please my Wife. I am saying that though from a POV where sex has always been important to me. Take someone where sex is simply not important, and you will get a much different response. There is a reason why HD and LD people combined in a relationship is usually a toxic mix

I'm bringing the pudding pops!

I put the "O" in Jell-O
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post #11 of 42 (permalink) Old 11-06-2019, 02:09 PM Thread Starter
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No friends with benefits we are in a tiny town everyone knows what goes on and I’d like not to shine that type of light on our home.

No he is not on any meds.

I don’t agree with LD being a get out of jail free card. I’m not asking him to serve me dialy, I am asking for sexual attention once a week. I service his kink once a week - I think I deserve to also be taken care of.

I’ve asked him to make time to go get a blood pannel done - he has yet to go as its “embarrassing”.

I’ve also expressed that he does not need to get or maintaine an erection to satisfy my needs as its not the physical act of sex that gets me to the O anyway.

If I can learn to have my feet touched and to stand on his face - yes on his face to please him and enjoy the I pleased my spouce happy feeling, I am stunned on why asking for sexual acts back done with more enthusiasm than being served a plate of raw liver is asking to much of someone even with LD at play.

Let me rephrase this question. What can WE do as a couple to encourage him to build confidence in pleasing me? What can I do to encourage a receiptive partner that does not shut down if I say thats not working?

He is fine to finger me or have actual sex which I get nothing from I NEED clitoral stimulation. I NEED to be able to lay back relax and let someone else take over my pleasure. He fumbles like a 18 year old thats just been exposed to a vagina. I am doing my best to be kind about it and do the “oo yah” that spot or go here and its all lost information. I also feed off watching my partners find enjoyment - which in this case is limited to foot/trampling fetishisms. I need him to dive in to the rest of me the way he does feet , and I’ve told him all of this. We’ve had open discussions on it and all I get back is I’m trying.

So is this actually a lost cause? Do i need to walk away from an otherwise healthy marriage?

He is a fantastic husband in all other aspects, we do not fight, he is a great Dad and even with dealing with this delicate situation where we are both frustrated we have been mindful of not taking anything or presenting anything as a personal attack.
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post #12 of 42 (permalink) Old 11-06-2019, 02:16 PM
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Re: I need some .. O’s.

Buy him a copy of 'She Comes First' by Ian Kerner, and tell him no foot fetish action until he's finished the book and starts putting some practice time in on what he learned from the book.
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post #13 of 42 (permalink) Old 11-06-2019, 02:18 PM
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Re: I need some .. Os.

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Originally Posted by Lady2019 View Post
No friends with benefits we are in a tiny town everyone knows what goes on and I’d like not to shine that type of light on our home.

No he is not on any meds.

I don’t agree with LD being a get out of jail free card. I’m not asking him to serve me dialy, I am asking for sexual attention once a week. I service his kink once a week - I think I deserve to also be taken care of.

I’ve asked him to make time to go get a blood pannel done - he has yet to go as its “embarrassing”.

I’ve also expressed that he does not need to get or maintaine an erection to satisfy my needs as its not the physical act of sex that gets me to the O anyway.

If I can learn to have my feet touched and to stand on his face - yes on his face to please him and enjoy the I pleased my spouce happy feeling, I am stunned on why asking for sexual acts back done with more enthusiasm than being served a plate of raw liver is asking to much of someone even with LD at play.

Let me rephrase this question. What can WE do as a couple to encourage him to build confidence in pleasing me? What can I do to encourage a receiptive partner that does not shut down if I say thats not working?

He is fine to finger me or have actual sex which I get nothing from I NEED clitoral stimulation. I NEED to be able to lay back relax and let someone else take over my pleasure. He fumbles like a 18 year old thats just been exposed to a vagina. I am doing my best to be kind about it and do the “oo yah” that spot or go here and its all lost information. I also feed off watching my partners find enjoyment - which in this case is limited to foot/trampling fetishisms. I need him to dive in to the rest of me the way he does feet , and I’ve told him all of this. We’ve had open discussions on it and all I get back is I’m trying.

So is this actually a lost cause? Do i need to walk away from an otherwise healthy marriage?

He is a fantastic husband in all other aspects, we do not fight, he is a great Dad and even with dealing with this delicate situation where we are both frustrated we have been mindful of not taking anything or presenting anything as a personal attack.
Have you looked at watching sex ed videos together (or even done separately)? Not talking porn here, but videos that go in depth showing different techniques, etc...? My Wife and I actually got a series a few weeks ago that we both try to watch when we have some time.

The challenge, it sounds like you are looking for enthusiasm from him as well. IDK, maybe beyond his own fetishes he in unable to give you this? Maybe it is as simple as he needs to gain confidence in what he is going.

I'm bringing the pudding pops!

I put the "O" in Jell-O
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post #14 of 42 (permalink) Old 11-06-2019, 02:20 PM
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Wait, so has he always fumbled with this, or is it a new thing?
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post #15 of 42 (permalink) Old 11-06-2019, 02:24 PM
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Re: I need some .. Os.

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Originally Posted by Lady2019 View Post
No friends with benefits we are in a tiny town everyone knows what goes on and Id like not to shine that type of light on our home.

No he is not on any meds.

I dont agree with LD being a get out of jail free card. Im not asking him to serve me dialy, I am asking for sexual attention once a week. I service his kink once a week - I think I deserve to also be taken care of.

Ive asked him to make time to go get a blood pannel done - he has yet to go as its embarrassing.

Ive also expressed that he does not need to get or maintaine an erection to satisfy my needs as its not the physical act of sex that gets me to the O anyway.

If I can learn to have my feet touched and to stand on his face - yes on his face to please him and enjoy the I pleased my spouce happy feeling, I am stunned on why asking for sexual acts back done with more enthusiasm than being served a plate of raw liver is asking to much of someone even with LD at play.

Let me rephrase this question. What can WE do as a couple to encourage him to build confidence in pleasing me? What can I do to encourage a receiptive partner that does not shut down if I say thats not working?

He is fine to finger me or have actual sex which I get nothing from I NEED clitoral stimulation. I NEED to be able to lay back relax and let someone else take over my pleasure. He fumbles like a 18 year old thats just been exposed to a vagina. I am doing my best to be kind about it and do the oo yah that spot or go here and its all lost information. I also feed off watching my partners find enjoyment - which in this case is limited to foot/trampling fetishisms. I need him to dive in to the rest of me the way he does feet , and Ive told him all of this. Weve had open discussions on it and all I get back is Im trying.

So is this actually a lost cause? Do i need to walk away from an otherwise healthy marriage?

He is a fantastic husband in all other aspects, we do not fight, he is a great Dad and even with dealing with this delicate situation where we are both frustrated we have been mindful of not taking anything or presenting anything as a personal attack.
Regular MC or IC might not be adequate. He may, no, I think he really does, need sex counseling. And it's not just "him" that needs it, but you as well, because neither of you are connecting well with the other. You think you're doing what's needed to get him off via his foot fetish, but do you really understand it? And he's clueless about what it takes to please you. There's a feedback loop that's missing. But in the end, he does have a responsibility that he is not meeting, while you certainly appear to be trying to meet his needs.

Regarding counseling and MC in particular, have either of you gone before? It's been a pretty interesting situation for my wife and I. Things you never believed you'd talk about with someone else, and it all comes out in the open. Rather comfortably so. You start looking forward to your next "safe" time to talk about embarrassing issues. Since embarrassment is keeping your husband from having a conversation with a doctor and getting tests done, the MC might be something to put at the very front of your priorities.

Frankly, if you have the financial means, you should put MC above all other priorities at the moment. Seriously. The MC will be able to recommend more-directed counseling (sex therapist) if needed. Please, don't delay. You speak very highly of your relationship outside of this. Don't wing it on your own. For what it's worth, I was quite proud of the fact that, for 63 years, I never see a therapist or counselor. They were for other people with "real" problems. I was way too embarrassed to think I had problems that I should be telling someone like that. It took a major crisis in our marriage to wake me up, and get me to IC first, then my wife and I into MC.

TAM is a great resource, but it's not a do-it-yourself tool box for all-things-relationship.
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