Should I tell my husband the truth about my past - Page 18 - Talk About Marriage
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post #256 of 295 (permalink) Old 11-29-2019, 04:09 PM
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It's not just you. I only remember the bad parts of sex with my ex's
Oh god yes. The "ugh" or "you want what?"
Those are better then "are you done yet?"

I just think asking is just a bad move all around. What does it accomplish besides hurt feelings, RJ or feelings of inadequacy? To me, when 2 people get together it's a clean slate to build new memories. Just how I see it
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post #257 of 295 (permalink) Old 11-29-2019, 04:20 PM
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Re: Should I tell my husband the truth about my past

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Originally Posted by Numb26 View Post
Those are better then "are you done yet?"

I just think asking is just a bad move all around. What does it accomplish besides hurt feelings, RJ or feelings of inadequacy? To me, when 2 people get together it's a clean slate to build new memories. Just how I see it
"what's that smell?"

"who's name is on that tattoo?"

"I didn't know you could pierce that."

"I don't think that's supposed to happen."

"what was that, sorry, I fell asleep for a minute."

"why is some guy banging on the window?"

"no, farting during sex isn't cute."

"it burns!"

"ouch, no teeth!"

All things I'm pretty sure I've said at one point or another somewhere along the way. Man, I'm such an idiot.
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post #258 of 295 (permalink) Old 11-29-2019, 04:51 PM
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Originally Posted by Numb26 View Post
Those are better then "are you done yet?"

I just think asking is just a bad move all around. What does it accomplish besides hurt feelings, RJ or feelings of inadequacy? To me, when 2 people get together it's a clean slate to build new memories. Just how I see it
"what's that smell?"

"who's name is on that tattoo?"

"I didn't know you could pierce that."

"I don't think that's supposed to happen."

"what was that, sorry, I fell asleep for a minute."

"why is some guy banging on the window?"

"no, farting during sex isn't cute."

"it burns!"

"ouch, no teeth!"

All things I'm pretty sure I've said at one point or another somewhere along the way. Man, I'm such an idiot.
Better be careful, don't want to be excused of thread jacking or saying anything disgusting LOL

Last edited by Numb26; 11-29-2019 at 04:58 PM.
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post #259 of 295 (permalink) Old 11-29-2019, 04:59 PM
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Re: Should I tell my husband the truth about my past

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Because I am expected to sacrifice my own desires, my own ambitions, my labor-fruits, both past and present. It seems to me a reasonable ask, for something I can build my marriage upon.
Furthermore, I think I am owed it BEFORE I marry, when I can still decide to not marry.



The "absolute objective truth" is truly quite irrelevant. What is relevant is my partner's current perception of what happened, how she remembers it.
I like where you're going with this. My "perception" of it can change in different situations. From "it never happened" to "OMG!!!" to everything in between according to what i want to believe at the time. So the "absolute objective truth" is irrelevant and what matters is what I choose to think about it at any point in time.

For my husband, I want it to be that he's the only one who ever had me. So that could be "my truth" when that's convenient. Other times I might like to "reminisce" I might want to perceive that it wasn't a one night stand. We were in love. My prince charming. I like the idea that i can arrange all of the "video clips" of my sex life just as I want them. I can even delete clips as needed. In college I took a video editing class. I picture myself arranging the "video clips" exactly as I want over and over to weave the story that I want to tell and more importantly that I want to truly believe.
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post #260 of 295 (permalink) Old 11-29-2019, 05:19 PM
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Re: Should I tell my husband the truth about my past

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I have no idea of lying about sex is common, but if it is that's very sad. Honesty for me is vital, and if a man didn't agree with that then he isn't for me.
We were both in long marriages before and we didn't really discuss our previous sex lives with our former spouses in detail, as we both knew that we were much happier with each other so what happened or didn't happen in sex with our exes wasn't something we needed to go into great detail about. My husband honestly doesn't have a jealous bone in his body and is very secure in himself. If he had asked me more I would have answered him honestly. I am always prepared to be honest about my past.

I really don't think that this is the same as your situation though, where to be honest its a constant daily deception really. I honestly have no idea how you can hide something so vital from your husband.
How do you justify it to yourself? or God?
Why do you think that my omission of my previous sexual experience is a "constant daily deception" while your own omission of aspects of your own sexual experience is justified because you are "much happier".

Why don't you sit him down and tell him all of the dirty details. Best to be open and completely honest. Why hide that from him?

Unless my husband asks me straight out about my past and I lie, then it seems that you and I are in pretty much the same place. I also think we are much happier. Do you think your "lies" or "omissions" are just less serious so they are ok? Others have said to great agreement, "a lie is a lie".

I'm not trying to pick on anyone but it's confusing what people's views are on this. It's all over the place.
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post #261 of 295 (permalink) Old 11-29-2019, 06:30 PM
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Re: Should I tell my husband the truth about my past

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I understand what you're saying but the truth is the truth. I never directly lied to my husband, even before we started dating. I hate lying so i was sneaky in my answers (again, all before we started dating). I still have no problem if someone says I did lie. I did lie in that i let him wrongly assume the situation (taht i was a virgin based on my saying that i thought virginity was important before marriage).

So I don't really understand the "politically correct" answers (I didn't try to sugar coat it, i said i was sneaky). Aren't those lies in the end? I mean, they are "omissions" if they are meant to twist the truth or to mislead in any way.
There is a big difference between a binary scenario (you did or did not have sex with anyone else) and comparing any aspect of a relationship which, by its nature, is subjective, not objective.

When I said "politically correct" I meant in terms of deference to how the other person will receive the information. You can give the same details in very different fashion. "Yes, he was bigger than you, and I enjoyed sex more" vs "It doesn't really matter to me that you're not the biggest; what matters is that I enjoy being with you more than anyone else I've been with. It's the total package and I chose you, not some guy who might have been bigger but didn't make me as happy as you do." Or something like that. No lies, no omissions, just different presentation. If he asks for details, fine, give him details but try to understand where he is coming from and explain, if need be, that he might not like some of the answers, but you love your life with him (your husband).

And if he asks if you fantasize about any of the other guys, and it turns out you do, what do you tell him then? I hope I'm far enough away not to feel the blast when that bomb goes off! Because being truthful, how do you treat that one?
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post #262 of 295 (permalink) Old 11-29-2019, 07:18 PM
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Re: Should I tell my husband the truth about my past

[Delete.

If your not the object of your lovers heart, then your just an object.
If you think the grass is greener on the otherside it's not, what you see are the weeds.
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post #263 of 295 (permalink) Old 11-29-2019, 07:21 PM
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Re: Should I tell my husband the truth about my past

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Originally Posted by Casual Observer View Post

And if he asks if you fantasize about any of the other guys, and it turns out you do, what do you tell him then? I hope I'm far enough away not to feel the blast when that bomb goes off! Because being truthful, how do you treat that one?
A good point made, and could be a thread in it's self. CO

If your not the object of your lovers heart, then your just an object.
If you think the grass is greener on the otherside it's not, what you see are the weeds.
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post #264 of 295 (permalink) Old 11-29-2019, 08:43 PM
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Re: Should I tell my husband the truth about my past

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Originally Posted by Diana7 View Post
I have no idea of lying about sex is common, but if it is that's very sad. Honesty for me is vital, and if a man didn't agree with that then he isn't for me.
We were both in long marriages before and we didn't really discuss our previous sex lives with our former spouses in detail, as we both knew that we were much happier with each other so what happened or didn't happen in sex with our exes wasn't something we needed to go into great detail about. My husband honestly doesn't have a jealous bone in his body and is very secure in himself. If he had asked me more I would have answered him honestly. I am always prepared to be honest about my past.

I really don't think that this is the same as your situation though, where to be honest its a constant daily deception really. I honestly have no idea how you can hide something so vital from your husband.
How do you justify it to yourself? or God?
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Originally Posted by Diana7 View Post
I do think its important that we disclose these important things, such as if we have had anal, threesomes, fetishes, been to prostitutes etc. How can we make such an important decision as to who we marry if there are all these hidden secrets?
This is somewhat at odds with your prior statement that you didn't "need" to go into great detail about your and your fiance's prior sex life before marriage. You apparently agreed to a certain level of privacy regarding such, which is fine. But what it really means is that you agreed to hide things from your spouse. There could be anal (I doubt it likely for your other examples) but you opted for "don't ask, don't tell." Which again is fine, but it does not mean you know for certain what didn't happen. You only know what you agreed to tell each other.

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Originally Posted by JustTheWife View Post
Why do you think that my omission of my previous sexual experience is a "constant daily deception" while your own omission of aspects of your own sexual experience is justified because you are "much happier".

Why don't you sit him down and tell him all of the dirty details. Best to be open and completely honest. Why hide that from him?

Unless my husband asks me straight out about my past and I lie, then it seems that you and I are in pretty much the same place. I also think we are much happier. Do you think your "lies" or "omissions" are just less serious so they are ok? Others have said to great agreement, "a lie is a lie".

I'm not trying to pick on anyone but it's confusing what people's views are on this. It's all over the place.
Did you agree with your husband to not discuss your past? As I said, whether specific or implied, their's is a "don't ask, don't tell" policy.

Perhaps the biggest difference here is that your past is in striking contrast to your narrative, and you have done nothing to dispel the myth of that narrative. Now it's entirely possible that @Diana7 's husband may have a past that's in contrast to her perceived narrative of him as well, but she doesn't know/has no idea. She's making assumptions about the man he is based on observation, not discussion or fact.
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post #265 of 295 (permalink) Old 11-29-2019, 10:42 PM
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Re: Should I tell my husband the truth about my past

@JustTheWife

Are you okay with knowing you tricked your husband into marrying you through your lies of omission?

I get the feeling you are because you seem to want to rationalize/contemplate it to death but it doesn't appear you have any plan of telling him. You were worried about what he'd think of you if he knew. That's who you are/were whether he knows or not. You're not being true to yourself either, just an actress playing a part. As others have told you these things have a nasty habit of revealing themselves in time no matter how well you think you've buried it. The fact that you've been married an extremely short time bodes way better for the outcome if you fess up now vs. his discovering it years down the road. It's your roll of the dice, but once they are cast and the window of opportunity closes you buy the ticket and take the ride. You may not like where that ride takes you and your psyche.

"But I'm trying, Ringo. I'm trying real hard to be the shepherd."

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post #266 of 295 (permalink) Old 11-30-2019, 03:01 AM
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Re: Should I tell my husband the truth about my past

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Originally Posted by JustTheWife View Post
Why do you think that my omission of my previous sexual experience is a "constant daily deception" while your own omission of aspects of your own sexual experience is justified because you are "much happier".

Why don't you sit him down and tell him all of the dirty details. Best to be open and completely honest. Why hide that from him?

Unless my husband asks me straight out about my past and I lie, then it seems that you and I are in pretty much the same place. I also think we are much happier. Do you think your "lies" or "omissions" are just less serious so they are ok? Others have said to great agreement, "a lie is a lie".

I'm not trying to pick on anyone but it's confusing what people's views are on this. It's all over the place.
No, I don't think you and Diana7 are analogous at all.

I'm not trying to be cruel, but it really comes off like you are trying to rationalize this. It's like you're trying to lump your deceiving your husband about an important value he has about marriage into the same group with a spouse's efforts at ego support.


First of all, you say that views are "all over the place", but that's because there's different people with different opinions. Some care about partner's pasts, some don't. But if you're going to accuse people of being "all over the place", that only makes sense in the setting of your current argument if you show that ONE person has conflicting/contradictory opinions on these topics.

Secondly, deceiving your husband about being a virgin/low number experience and managing the facts of a prior lover's skills are NOT equivalent. The first is a statement of straight out fact that (in your husband's case and in similar cases) is a critically important issue for him. Other guys don't care about prior experience (or even want their wife to have a LOT of experience/skills to bring to the table) as shown by the responses here. But that doesn't matter, because you're not married to those other guys. You're married to a man who thinks the sexual act should be sacred, bonding, transcendental and NOT just a physical pursuit of fun/orgasm all for its own ends. So those other opinions which are "all over the place" are irrelevant. The point being is that this point become an absolute on your husband's checklist of important characteristics for a spouse.

On the other hand, a prior lover's skills (or even size of his manhood) can be presented in a way to avoid being hurtful, as @Casual Observer has mentioned. Regardless of a prior lover's mechanical skills or attributes, I should hope that a current spouse should still provide a wonderful sexual experience---if not there will invariably be trouble down the road, so it needs to be addressed to correct that. And so, the truth can still be said, but in a way that avoids unnecessary hurt. So a prior lover who was bigger can be described as "too big", or "Although he was bigger, he just didn't have the same effect, I never enjoyed making love with anyone more than you", and so forth.

Look, a guy who is below average in his manhood knows he is, and if he knows his spouse has had many lovers, he's obviously going to know that at least SOME were bigger than him. He's not stupid. But if he is told that the whole "making love" event (as opposed to just "having sex") is the greatest experience for his wife, then he will have his ego preserved. Just like a woman with a big butt knows it's big---so when she says "does this outfit make my butt look big?" she's actually asking for emotional support. A guy can respond, "It doesn't look big TO ME" (which is subjective) or "you're the best looking women out there, and your butt always looks sexy", or, if she really SHOULDN'T be wearing an unflattering outfit, "NO ONE can look good in that. The cut/tailoring is TERRIBLE. Let's get you a better made outfit."

The bottom line is, there has to be some criteria here. Otherwise, by your "white lie about a past lover's skill is no different than lying about being a virgin" comparison, there's really NO end to the lies you can make up, as long as it preserves your "happy" marriage. For example, then by that comparison, is there no MORAL difference between these falsehoods:
"you're the best lover I've ever had" and "No, I didn't have sex with the bridesmaid the night before the wedding".
"you're the best lover I've ever had" and "No, I never had a period where I pursued same-sex relationships with another guy"
"you're the best lover I've ever had" and "No, I've never had sex with an unconscious woman passed out in an alley" (like Brock Turner, the Stanford swimmer)
and so on.

At some point you have to say, "this is primarily a statement to support my partner's self-esteem" and this OTHER statement/series of actions is instead "a deception which robs my spouse of something that was profoundly important to him". Trying to conflate the two seems very self-serving and frankly isn't very convincing that you truly have empathy for what you have taken from your husband.
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post #267 of 295 (permalink) Old 11-30-2019, 04:12 AM
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Re: Should I tell my husband the truth about my past

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I picture myself arranging the "video clips" exactly as I want over and over to weave the story that I want to tell and more importantly that I want to truly believe.
And, I believe, with God's help and God's direction, you can align yourself completely to your husband. I'm not saying this is an easy process, only that you can. In fact, I can see that you have taken this path, by comparing your posts now to those of a year ago. In those posts, you were disappointed in your husband's sexual provision. I'm not sure whether you are or are not now, but you come across differently and give me reason for hope that you may, someday, with God's help, have a successful marriage and sexual fulfillment. And, I believe you can.
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post #268 of 295 (permalink) Old 11-30-2019, 02:26 PM
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Re: Should I tell my husband the truth about my past

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This is somewhat at odds with your prior statement that you didn't "need" to go into great detail about your and your fiance's prior sex life before marriage. You apparently agreed to a certain level of privacy regarding such, which is fine. But what it really means is that you agreed to hide things from your spouse. There could be anal (I doubt it likely for your other examples) but you opted for "don't ask, don't tell." Which again is fine, but it does not mean you know for certain what didn't happen. You only know what you agreed to tell each other.

Did you agree with your husband to not discuss your past? As I said, whether specific or implied, their's is a "don't ask, don't tell" policy.

Perhaps the biggest difference here is that your past is in striking contrast to your narrative, and you have done nothing to dispel the myth of that narrative. Now it's entirely possible that @Diana7 's husband may have a past that's in contrast to her perceived narrative of him as well, but she doesn't know/has no idea. She's making assumptions about the man he is based on observation, not discussion or fact.
I think you misunderstood what I said. We both know about each others former boyfriends/girlfriends and each others former marriage. That we were married before, for how long and about the sort of sex that took place. We did discuss this over time, and both would be willing to answer any more questions if the other wanted to know. So no I don't hide anything, I was and am very open with him about my past. There isn't anything I would or could hide from him.
I know that his past is what he told me, firstly he is completely honest, and secondly I have met many who know him from his past as well. Family and friends.
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post #269 of 295 (permalink) Old 11-30-2019, 05:09 PM
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Youa guys should read OP post again. I think that she had over 100 partners,treesoms and possible gangbangs,when she says that she was " wery naive" in highschool, and then a "less naive" in coledge. If that is the case,then it makes a big diference. If someone tells me that she had 2 partners,i paint a certain picture in my head. If someone tells me that she had 249 partners and 6 of them at the same time,I have diferent picture of them you know. So,she is scared to tell him the truth becouse of fear that he will see her completly different. If number was 8 or 12, she would told him long time ago. Im afraid that the number is much,much bigger.
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post #270 of 295 (permalink) Old 11-30-2019, 05:22 PM
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Re: Should I tell my husband the truth about my past

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And, I believe, with God's help and God's direction, you can align yourself completely to your husband. I'm not saying this is an easy process, only that you can. In fact, I can see that you have taken this path, by comparing your posts now to those of a year ago. In those posts, you were disappointed in your husband's sexual provision. I'm not sure whether you are or are not now, but you come across differently and give me reason for hope that you may, someday, with God's help, have a successful marriage and sexual fulfillment. And, I believe you can.
The irony, I believe, is that @JustTheWife feels like she has much to offer her husband (and herself!), in the way of an improved sex life, but is held back by not being able to do so without revealing where she learned what she has to offer. It has to be immensely frustrating, and that's likely what was reflected in her earlier posts.

As for rationalization of why someone hasn't told or has actively hidden the truth about their past, I think many of us have come here, at least initially, with an idea of what does, or doesn't, need to be done, and looking for support for that position. Or a way to fine-tune a presentation by looking at how someone else in a similar situation handled it. I don't think many come here looking people to tell us we have to change. BUT-

If someone hangs around here long enough, they may get comfortable with the idea of change, more so than had they not. Especially as they gradually reveal their true self, and their relationship with people on TAM grows stronger.
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