Wife's vibrator - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 32 (permalink) Old 11-20-2019, 07:01 PM Thread Starter
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Wife's vibrator

Hi all.

I've been married 25 years and since we've had an empty nest my wife and I are having a lot more sex. Over the past years I suggested trying new things like sex toys (vibrator) and my wife acted like a prude about the idea (I'm more adventurous in the bedroom). Two years ago when my wife returned from a getaway with her friends she commented that only her and another friend didn't have a vibrator. I again asked her if she wanted to try one and again she acted like a prude.

Two weeks ago my wife told me she has and uses a vibrator and it shocked the hell out of me! She said all women use one. She also stated she only uses it when I'm not home which is BS because I'm home the vast majority of the time. This is where I really need advice because I feel very angry and also deceived. I haven't talked with her yet about my feelings because I wanted to hear advice first. I want to ask her when she got it, from where and why all of a sudden she purchased one. I did find it which pissed me off even more.

Thank you in advance for your comments.
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post #2 of 32 (permalink) Old 11-25-2019, 09:18 PM
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Re: Wife's vibrator

If she only uses it when you are not at home, and you are at home the vast majority of the time, then it follows that she hardly ever uses it.

It seems to me that in talking with her female friends, they gave her some ideas and she stated exploring... got herself a vibrator. This is apparently quite a new thing for her to explore her sexuality.

This should be a good thing since it's something you have wanted to try together. Now that she told you, if you bring this up in anger, or negatively it will be last time your wife even considered anything other than vanilla sex.

Instead of reacting in anger, my suggestion is that you invite her to bring it into your love making.

Now I have some questions for you. Do you ever masturbate? Do you ever use porn?

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post #3 of 32 (permalink) Old 11-25-2019, 10:03 PM
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Re: Wife's vibrator

@Firebird85 I would love to find out my wife, who's attitude has always been parallel to your wife's (past), found a vibrator that she could be friends with. What's the issue? Do you seriously think it's going to replace you? I don't think that's generally how it works. It seems for most it's supplemental and enhances. It keeps women in touch with their sexuality, rather than allowing it to decline over the years.

Or so I've been told.
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post #4 of 32 (permalink) Old 11-25-2019, 10:10 PM
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You should rejoice that you still have a wife that has a sex drive after 25 years. Dude, this is NOT something to be angry about.
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post #5 of 32 (permalink) Old 11-25-2019, 10:16 PM
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Re: Wife's vibrator

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Originally Posted by Firebird85 View Post
Hi all.

I've been married 25 years and since we've had an empty nest my wife and I are having a lot more sex. Over the past years I suggested trying new things like sex toys (vibrator) and my wife acted like a prude about the idea (I'm more adventurous in the bedroom). Two years ago when my wife returned from a getaway with her friends she commented that only her and another friend didn't have a vibrator. I again asked her if she wanted to try one and again she acted like a prude.

Two weeks ago my wife told me she has and uses a vibrator and it shocked the hell out of me! She said all women use one. She also stated she only uses it when I'm not home which is BS because I'm home the vast majority of the time. This is where I really need advice because I feel very angry and also deceived. I haven't talked with her yet about my feelings because I wanted to hear advice first. I want to ask her when she got it, from where and why all of a sudden she purchased one. I did find it which pissed me off even more.

Thank you in advance for your comments.
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post #6 of 32 (permalink) Old 11-25-2019, 10:26 PM
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Re: Wife's vibrator

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Originally Posted by Firebird85 View Post
Hi all.

I've been married 25 years and since we've had an empty nest my wife and I are having a lot more sex. Over the past years I suggested trying new things like sex toys (vibrator) and my wife acted like a prude about the idea (I'm more adventurous in the bedroom). Two years ago when my wife returned from a getaway with her friends she commented that only her and another friend didn't have a vibrator. I again asked her if she wanted to try one and again she acted like a prude.

Two weeks ago my wife told me she has and uses a vibrator and it shocked the hell out of me! She said all women use one. She also stated she only uses it when I'm not home which is BS because I'm home the vast majority of the time. This is where I really need advice because I feel very angry and also deceived. I haven't talked with her yet about my feelings because I wanted to hear advice first. I want to ask her when she got it, from where and why all of a sudden she purchased one. I did find it which pissed me off even more.

Thank you in advance for your comments.

Yes, you are possibly feeling inadequate, because she went behind your back. And it brings thoughts of yourself not being enough to satisfy your wife needs. And mostly because she doesn't use it during you lovemaking, but rather as a replacement for you. Now is not the time for shame, towards your wife as you were the instigator.

This is not a battle you should entertain, because really you wanted this. This is the pressure of suggestion from a husband. So be careful what you ask for, you may get exactly what you want.

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post #7 of 32 (permalink) Old 11-25-2019, 11:19 PM
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Re: Wife's vibrator

Why did she tell you? How did you react when she did? Why did finding it piss you off? Was it the size, color, wear-and-tear? Maybe she was hesitant to tell you because she thought you might react like you are--or maybe because she had portrayed herself as prudish? Expect she was influenced by her friends.

Rejoice. Go shopping together for more. Ask her to show you how she likes to use it. (Thinking she bought online or at a party.) Ask questions in an interested way, not angry.

Early on, I ordered one (of several over the years) and was amazed at what I received--huge, loud, awkward, rather not like a human. Was afraid I would die and my kids would find it, I worried about how to dispose of it. Please be laughing with me....

P.S. Do not now be afraid to leave her home alone.

Last edited by sunsetmist; 11-25-2019 at 11:27 PM.
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post #8 of 32 (permalink) Old 11-26-2019, 06:54 AM
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Re: Wife's vibrator

You said your sex life has really increased since your kids moved out. I find that the more sex I'm having, the more I want. So, last time you asked about a vibrator it's possible she had no interest because her sex drive wasn't as high as it is now that you and she are having sex more often.

I went 6 years with just about no sex in my marriage. I thought about sex sometimes but it wasn't a big deal to me. Left him and am now with someone with a very high sex drive. My sex drive has responded to the increase in my sex life and I'd say mine is very high right along with his now.

I think you increased your sex life which increased her sex drive. This is not something to complain about. And most women do NOT want to admit that they have solo time. They just don't.

If you want your increased and improved sex life to continue leave it alone!!!!!!! I can't stress this enough. Do NOT try to make her feel bad about this, it will only hurt YOU in the end. She is using it when she misses you, not instead of you and that's a HUGE difference. And the fact that she misses you when you aren't there is a good sign of a healthy sexual relationship with your wife.
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post #9 of 32 (permalink) Old 11-26-2019, 07:05 AM
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Re: Wife's vibrator

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Originally Posted by notmyjamie View Post
I think you increased your sex life which increased her sex drive. This is not something to complain about. And most women do NOT want to admit that they have solo time. They just don't.

If you want your increased and improved sex life to continue leave it alone!!!!!!! I can't stress this enough. Do NOT try to make her feel bad about this, it will only hurt YOU in the end. She is using it when she misses you, not instead of you and that's a HUGE difference. And the fact that she misses you when you aren't there is a good sign of a healthy sexual relationship with your wife.
Agreed.
You are having more sex.
Sometimes we women dont want to discuss solo time. Be thankful. Its keeping her drive high, which you will benefit from. If she had solo time to replace time with you, then you should be worried.
I understand why you feel “deceived”. But instead of getting angry, get curious. Be supportive.
Tell her you think its hot and it drives you crazy thinking about her doing that. Ask her if she wants to incorporate this into your bedroom time.
She may prefer to be alone with herself. Sometimes its just less complicated.
Go slowly. Be positive.
And people here are right. Read about so many men here who wishthey were in your shoes after 25 years.
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post #10 of 32 (permalink) Old 11-26-2019, 08:36 AM
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Re: Wife's vibrator

Quote:
Originally Posted by Firebird85 View Post
Hi all.

I've been married 25 years and since we've had an empty nest my wife and I are having a lot more sex. Over the past years I suggested trying new things like sex toys (vibrator) and my wife acted like a prude about the idea (I'm more adventurous in the bedroom). Two years ago when my wife returned from a getaway with her friends she commented that only her and another friend didn't have a vibrator. I again asked her if she wanted to try one and again she acted like a prude.

Two weeks ago my wife told me she has and uses a vibrator and it shocked the hell out of me! She said all women use one. She also stated she only uses it when I'm not home which is BS because I'm home the vast majority of the time. This is where I really need advice because I feel very angry and also deceived. I haven't talked with her yet about my feelings because I wanted to hear advice first. I want to ask her when she got it, from where and why all of a sudden she purchased one. I did find it which pissed me off even more.

Thank you in advance for your comments.
I would be very angry about the lie and cover up only.

She deceived you by telling you she didn't want one forever and then just springs it on you that she has one and has been using it.

It could just be an innocent mistake with her knowing that you are open to it but she wanted to get use to it first before opening up to you about it.

I would express your feelings to her gently but make sure she understands that you just don't like being excluded from a part of your sex life that you have shown obvious interest in.

You two should discuss the use of it and learn to use it together as well as her using it solo.

Has your sex life dropped off at all in quantity and/or quality?

I understand that you two are having more sex since the kids are gone but have you noticed any drop recently?
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post #11 of 32 (permalink) Old 11-26-2019, 08:57 AM
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Re: Wife's vibrator

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You two should discuss the use of it and learn to use it together as well as her using it solo.
With utmost respect, I disagree. He should ask her if that's something she might be interested in doing, ie. adding it to their sex life together. But, if she has a hangup about admitting or talking about solo time she's just going to shut down if he pushes the issue and that could have a negative affect on their sex life together. If she declines, leave it at that!!! If he's happy with their sex life as it is then he should be happy with that and not push her into something she doesn't want. It's fine to ask, but don't push.

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post #12 of 32 (permalink) Old 11-26-2019, 09:00 AM
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Re: Wife's vibrator

I'd be pissed too. You know how much all those batteries cost over the years? She could have looked for a 240VAC single phase model and ran a circuit for it. Sheesh, how selfish.

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post #13 of 32 (permalink) Old 11-26-2019, 09:20 AM
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Re: Wife's vibrator

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Originally Posted by notmyjamie View Post
With utmost respect, I disagree. He should ask her if that's something she might be interested in doing, ie. adding it to their sex life together. But, if she has a hangup about admitting or talking about solo time she's just going to shut down if he pushes the issue and that could have a negative affect on their sex life together. If she declines, leave it at that!!! If he's happy with their sex life as it is then he should be happy with that and not push her into something she doesn't want. It's fine to ask, but don't push.

I speak woman...I know of what I speak
I will leave it at discussing using it together then.

Speaking as a man, having a wife pull a sneaky about something a husband has been talking about and asking about for years while the wife has always said no, can seriously piss the husband off and leave him feeling deceived, because he was, and trust isn't a small issue.

If she had been asking him about porn for years and wanted him to try it with her, only to have him act prudish and say no for years and then just announce out of the blue that he has been using porn, (after all, all men use it) and she finds it after he tells her.

The deception and stupidity involved here is not negligible.

I advised him to be gentle but she behaved badly here.
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post #14 of 32 (permalink) Old 11-26-2019, 09:34 AM Thread Starter
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Hello.
Thank you for your responses. I feel like a weight has been lifted off me!

Happy Thanksgiving !
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post #15 of 32 (permalink) Old 11-26-2019, 09:41 AM
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Re: Wife's vibrator

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Originally Posted by Firebird85 View Post
Hi all.


Two weeks ago my wife told me she has and uses a vibrator and it shocked the hell out of me!

. I want to ask her when she got it, from where and why all of a sudden she purchased one. I did find it which pissed me off even more.

Thank you in advance for your comments.
As NMJ, said may cause more problems but, she did tell him. So maybe it would be a moment he could find out.

But again, this is not a flesh and blood thing, yup he may be upset, mad, angry but come now! give your wife a break just how many things have you hidden from her on the personal level. Let it go of again and because you are asking, beware where this may go.

If your not the object of your lovers heart, then your just an object.
If you think the grass is greener on the otherside it's not, what you see are the weeds.
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