Encouraging Growth & Save a Marriage - Page 11 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #151 of 185 (permalink) Old 12-05-2019, 03:49 PM
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Re: Encouraging Growth & Save a Marriage

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Originally Posted by emcsquared View Post
I feel like you want me to say something like, “wow the nerve of this guy to feel disappointed that his wife doesn’t love sexuality like he does”...
...and you wonder why your sex life isn't what you want it to be? People are trying to offer advice and you go on the attack.
Wishing you the best of luck with this one...perhaps you need to find another website that tells you what you want to hear. This one may not be your cup of tea.
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post #152 of 185 (permalink) Old 12-05-2019, 04:06 PM
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Re: Encouraging Growth & Save a Marriage

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I feel like you want me to say something like, “wow the nerve of this guy to feel disappointed that his wife doesn’t love sexuality like he does”...
You've already had a million conversations with her. She knows where you're at, and she doesn't want it. At least right now. Whether that's in general or specifically with you is immaterial at this point.

Here's what you get to pick from:

1. accept her, stay in the current relationship under the current relationship agreement, and just make your peace with it.

2. accept her, leave the current relationship and find one more suitable.

3. accept her, stay in the current relationship but attempt to renegotiate the terms of it. Meaning, open it in some fashion.

None of those involve changing her in any way, shape, or form. Be disappointed all you want, but keep it to yourself. 90% of your fights are about sex. That's a ****ty thing to continually fight about. If she asks you what you want by all means tell her. But I get the sense she's not asking you, but you keep telling her. Blood from a stone, man.

You get to control exactly one thing in this world, and only one: yourself.

But I highly, highly suggest you get the hell off her case about it, check your defensiveness at the door about it, and instead focus on your decisions, your actions, and your thoughts. Right now, you don't seem to be highly in control of any of those things. You're not a victim here. You made a choice. You keep making them every day you stay in this marriage.
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post #153 of 185 (permalink) Old 12-05-2019, 04:08 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Encouraging Growth & Save a Marriage

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It does sound a little like porn derangement..

Respectfully OP, how much porn are you consuming?

I think itís probably pretty common for men to fall into this trap. I think it is unrealistic to expect long term marital sex to be continually breaking new boundaries... shouldnít we expect peaks and valleys?
I have not masturbated to porn in a very long time - many many years. There were a few times this year where I looked at porn for a minute or two to get my engine running so I could go to her with more enthusiasm, or so I was thinking at the time. I was in more of a bad headspace than I am now and the thought of more maintenance sex just wasnít getting me going. I also have medical/hormonal issues and I knew it hurts her terribly if I canít finish, so getting my engine running helped with that and helped her, so I was thinking, by not having her to have to deal with another time I couldnít finish.

I didnít look at ďporn starsĒ. I looked a legit amateur stuff where the people were not particularly attractive. I soon noticed that I was turned on by the attitude the woman displayed for her man, and not her body. I then realized it wasnít healthy since I knew my wife isnít like that (normally), and IĎm only making things worse by looking at that.

A number of you are now judging me for ďforcingĒ my wife to be like that, and donít believe me when I say I am horrendously turned off by the remote thought of forcing a woman to do anything. And yet Iíve seen glimpses of an unrestricted sexual attitude in her and had one time recently where my wife blew away by a thousand times anything Iíve ever seen in porn. Shame on me for wanting more of that please. I do NOT expect that every time. Once in a while would be an amazing thing to shake things up and add a lot of excitement to our sex life (yes, I know, for me).
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post #154 of 185 (permalink) Old 12-05-2019, 04:08 PM
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Re: Encouraging Growth & Save a Marriage

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Originally Posted by aquarius1 View Post
...and you wonder why your sex life isn't what you want it to be? People are trying to offer advice and you go on the attack.
Wishing you the best of luck with this one...perhaps you need to find another website that tells you what you want to hear. This one may not be your cup of tea.
You know, I have thought from the start of this thread that lots of people are being hard on op.

Maybe some people think any kind of sex 3 times a week is ok. But for me, I could and often do have sex 10 times a weak with my Fiancť...

And if I sensed that she was not into it, or not enjoying it, or god forbid was a starfish, you bet I would talk to her about it.

Further, if it did not change, the relationship would be over. If there was not some health problem or some other problem that she did not let me know about and talk about... Then she would get dumped fairly quickly. In a matter of months or weeks...

I don't care how get the "Rest" of the marriage is, sex matters. Good sex matters. Maybe some people don't actually know what great sex is all about or something.

It is important...
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post #155 of 185 (permalink) Old 12-05-2019, 04:11 PM
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Re: Encouraging Growth & Save a Marriage

I can't remember if you've mentioned it yet, but how old are your kids?
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post #156 of 185 (permalink) Old 12-05-2019, 04:14 PM
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Re: Encouraging Growth & Save a Marriage

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Originally Posted by emcsquared View Post
I feel like you want me to say something like, ďwow the nerve of this guy to feel disappointed that his wife doesnít love sexuality like he doesĒ...
You cant seem to understand that your wife is different from you, yet you expect her to like and want the same things. I am not sure why that is so hard to grasp for you. You claim that she doesn't love sexuality as you do, no, she loves it as SHE does not as YOU do.
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post #157 of 185 (permalink) Old 12-05-2019, 04:19 PM
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Re: Encouraging Growth & Save a Marriage

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Originally Posted by BluesPower View Post
You know, I have thought from the start of this thread that lots of people are being hard on op.

Maybe some people think any kind of sex 3 times a week is ok. But for me, I could and often do have sex 10 times a weak with my Fiancť...

And if I sensed that she was not into it, or not enjoying it, or god forbid was a starfish, you bet I would talk to her about it.

Further, if it did not change, the relationship would be over. If there was not some health problem or some other problem that she did not let me know about and talk about... Then she would get dumped fairly quickly. In a matter of months or weeks...

I don't care how get the "Rest" of the marriage is, sex matters. Good sex matters. Maybe some people don't actually know what great sex is all about or something.

It is important...
I think that many of us realise that for a couple with a long marriage and children who are in their 50's, 3 times a week is probably well above average. You are not even married yet and I am guessing younger?
Also we have no idea what their sex ls like, we only have one side after all.
Sad to think that you would abandon your spouse and children because the sex wasn't as you wanted, but your choice I guess.
I would never ever leave my husband over something like this, I love and respect him far too much. My marriage is far too important as are the vows I made.

Last edited by Diana7; 12-05-2019 at 04:25 PM.
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post #158 of 185 (permalink) Old 12-05-2019, 04:19 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Encouraging Growth & Save a Marriage

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I can't remember if you've mentioned it yet, but how old are your kids?
Our kids will leave for college next year so we will soon be empty nesters. Iím keeping my expectations low that anything meaningful will change for the better.
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post #159 of 185 (permalink) Old 12-05-2019, 04:23 PM
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Re: Encouraging Growth & Save a Marriage

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Originally Posted by emcsquared View Post
I have not masturbated to porn in a very long time - many many years. There were a few times this year where I looked at porn for a minute or two to get my engine running so I could go to her with more enthusiasm, or so I was thinking at the time. I was in more of a bad headspace than I am now and the thought of more maintenance sex just wasnít getting me going. I also have medical/hormonal issues and I knew it hurts her terribly if I canít finish, so getting my engine running helped with that and helped her, so I was thinking, by not having her to have to deal with another time I couldnít finish.

I didnít look at ďporn starsĒ. I looked a legit amateur stuff where the people were not particularly attractive. I soon noticed that I was turned on by the attitude the woman displayed for her man, and not her body. I then realized it wasnít healthy since I knew my wife isnít like that (normally), and IĎm only making things worse by looking at that.

A number of you are now judging me for ďforcingĒ my wife to be like that, and donít believe me when I say I am horrendously turned off by the remote thought of forcing a woman to do anything. And yet Iíve seen glimpses of an unrestricted sexual attitude in her and had one time recently where my wife blew away by a thousand times anything Iíve ever seen in porn. Shame on me for wanting more of that please. I do NOT expect that every time. Once in a while would be an amazing thing to shake things up and add a lot of excitement to our sex life (yes, I know, for me).
So you would be ok if your wife regularly took a drug, that is actually illegal in the UK where I live, that is harmful to her mind and body, just so you could have the sort of sex you want? Would you actually risk that?
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post #160 of 185 (permalink) Old 12-05-2019, 04:25 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Encouraging Growth & Save a Marriage

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Originally Posted by Marduk View Post
You get to control exactly one thing in this world, and only one: yourself.

But I highly, highly suggest you get the hell off her case about it, check your defensiveness at the door about it, and instead focus on your decisions, your actions, and your thoughts. Right now, you don't seem to be highly in control of any of those things. You're not a victim here. You made a choice. You keep making them every day you stay in this marriage.
I fully agree and Iíve completely stopped talking to her about it at all. Thatís why Iím here! I was thinking / hoping there was something in ME that could change that just maybe (without talking to her about it) would allow her the freedom to let her hair down a tad more on the wild side, again, because I think there is that in her, albeit buried by cultural indoctrinations. I know full well that may never happen. Sad, but Iíd accept that. I just wanted to see if thereís anything in ME thatís boxing her in.
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post #161 of 185 (permalink) Old 12-05-2019, 04:28 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Encouraging Growth & Save a Marriage

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Originally Posted by aquarius1 View Post
You asked for opinions. You have had many. You choose to attack and defend rather than open your mind to the possibility that WHAT you have communicated to us is being examined and commented on. I'm sorry that you feel that others don't have a right to their opinion. Perhaps that's part of your issue
I let the attacks on me here get to me and for that I apologize. Thank you for your time although i do disagree with you. I should have done that more diplomatically. Iím a passionate person by nature. Sometimes thatís a good thing, other times itís not....
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post #162 of 185 (permalink) Old 12-05-2019, 04:30 PM
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Re: Encouraging Growth & Save a Marriage

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Originally Posted by emcsquared View Post
Our kids will leave for college next year so we will soon be empty nesters. Iím keeping my expectations low that anything meaningful will change for the better.
Congratulations! It'll be exciting and fun sending them off.

I would expect an empty house to have some positive effect. My wife was always concerned that the kids would hear. Once they were out of the house, it made a difference. Also, your day-to-day life will likely be more relaxed and less stressful, so she may have less on her mind that can distract her.

Because of the timing, I would recommend you try to put this physical stuff out of your mind for now. The next 8(?) months or so are going to have a lot of emotional ups and downs anyway for her with the kids moving out. Trying to tackle this issue now is going to come with a lot of extra complications that may impede progress. Use this time to maintain what you have and build up your emotional connection so you have a solid foundation come next year.
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post #163 of 185 (permalink) Old 12-05-2019, 04:35 PM
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Re: Encouraging Growth & Save a Marriage

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Originally Posted by emcsquared View Post
I fully agree and Iíve completely stopped talking to her about it at all. Thatís why Iím here! I was thinking / hoping there was something in ME that could change that just maybe (without talking to her about it) would allow her the freedom to let her hair down a tad more on the wild side, again, because I think there is that in her, albeit buried by cultural indoctrinations. I know full well that may never happen. Sad, but Iíd accept that. I just wanted to see if thereís anything in ME thatís boxing her in.
You see, you are again assuming that she wants more, but its 'buried by cultural indoctrinations'. I realise that is what you are hoping, but why cant you accept that she isn'tyou and may not want what you do. She may just like sex the way you do it now, why is that so hard for you to believe or accept?
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post #164 of 185 (permalink) Old 12-05-2019, 04:35 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Encouraging Growth & Save a Marriage

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Congratulations! It'll be exciting and fun sending them off.

I would expect an empty house to have some positive effect. My wife was always concerned that the kids would hear. Once they were out of the house, it made a difference. Also, your day-to-day life will likely be more relaxed and less stressful, so she may have less on her mind that can distract her.

Because of the timing, I would recommend you try to put this physical stuff out of your mind for now. The next 8(?) months or so are going to have a lot of emotional ups and downs anyway for her with the kids moving out. Trying to tackle this issue now is going to come with a lot of extra complications that may impede progress. Use this time to maintain what you have and build up your emotional connection so you have a solid foundation come next year.
Thatís great advice - thank you! I still want to keep my expectations low. That way, assuming thereís no change, I wonít be DISCONTENT if nothing changes (see Diana - Iím learning!).
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post #165 of 185 (permalink) Old 12-05-2019, 05:18 PM
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Re: Encouraging Growth & Save a Marriage

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Originally Posted by emcsquared View Post
I fully agree and Iíve completely stopped talking to her about it at all. Thatís why Iím here! I was thinking / hoping there was something in ME that could change that just maybe (without talking to her about it) would allow her the freedom to let her hair down a tad more on the wild side, again, because I think there is that in her, albeit buried by cultural indoctrinations. I know full well that may never happen. Sad, but Iíd accept that. I just wanted to see if thereís anything in ME thatís boxing her in.
Which explains why you're not engaging with those of us who say "tough luck, sorry to hear about it, but them's the breaks".

That's OK, I understand why. You still think that there is a sexual wildebeast hiding under you wife's demure skin. I hope you're right. I suspect that you're wrong.
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