Encouraging Growth & Save a Marriage - Page 12 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #166 of 185 (permalink) Old 12-05-2019, 05:56 PM
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Re: Encouraging Growth & Save a Marriage

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I fully agree and I’ve completely stopped talking to her about it at all. That’s why I’m here! I was thinking / hoping there was something in ME that could change that just maybe (without talking to her about it) would allow her the freedom to let her hair down a tad more on the wild side, again, because I think there is that in her, albeit buried by cultural indoctrinations. I know full well that may never happen. Sad, but I’d accept that. I just wanted to see if there’s anything in ME that’s boxing her in.
She will be free to be who she is and who she wants to be when you stop focusing on her. She may not want to shed her culture. And if you love her, you must love her for who she is and not who she could be, if she would be who you wanted her to be.

I think what may be boxing her in is exactly what you want her to be.

If I push my wife towards something, she naturally resists. She's rebellious by nature, independent, strong-willed. She will not be controlled, she will not be owned. Just the other day, she said to me "you're mine." And I said to her, "and you're mine." To which she said "no, I'm not, I'm mine. But you're also mine." And I laughed and let it go.

Later that night, as we fell asleep, in a very quiet voice, she said "I'm yours, you know that, right?" and I held her and fell asleep.

Push, and she pushes back. Pull, and she pulls back. Let go... and she remembers what she really wants, and she happily eventually partners up with me.

As for sex, I've often found the following approach works best.

One, be at your best. Seek self-perfection in all aspects of your life. If not that, at least excessive self-acceptance. Be your best and be happy being who you are! Life is for living. Choose to be happy and to strive to grow.

Two, create the opportunity for sex, and the kind of sex you want. Meaning, be ready! Be clear on what you want if she asks. Have everything you want to have happen ready to happen. Create time for it, space for it.

Three, let go. Sex is literally an infinite possibility space. If she says no to one thing, be open to another. Don't be judgmental - never, ever judge what she wants or doesn't want. I have often been amazed at what someone would say no to and ask for later - be that hours later, weeks later, months or even years later! Simply by being the guy that doesn't judge her.

Four, if it's just not working for you and never will, then you gotta just bail. A life unlived is a life wasted. You only get one. If you need to let your freak flag fly proudly, and it just isn't gonna happen with her, then you have to call the ball here and let it happen with someone that wouldn't just accept you - but someone that would celebrate it.
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post #167 of 185 (permalink) Old 12-05-2019, 06:36 PM
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Do you think she might heat up if frequency was reduced? Wouldn’t it help you finish quicker versus any need for porn? This seems like a natural and simple solution.

It sounds like sex is a little too easy and available... leads to boredom I think.

The porn did mess with your head I think... you started comparing. Porn destroys men and marriage. Being extremely busy is great for marriage. When you’ve truly longed for your wife for a week or two, it’s explosive when you reunite. Guys masturbating to porn never truly “long” and never truly explode 😉
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post #168 of 185 (permalink) Old 12-05-2019, 07:02 PM
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Re: Encouraging Growth & Save a Marriage

While I am in favor of less sauerkraut, I'm not sure that less eating is the best way to learn to enjoy it.
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post #169 of 185 (permalink) Old 12-05-2019, 09:17 PM
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Re: Encouraging Growth & Save a Marriage

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I feel like you want me to say something like, “wow the nerve of this guy to feel disappointed that his wife doesn’t love sexuality like he does”...
Not at all.

What you did was you changed the event for her. It went from being a special, magical vacation event into a test for her.

See, the problem with tests is that people automatically think of them as being pass or fail.

Rather than put herself into the position of potentially failing, she took the defensive stance of doing nothing at all.

She might also have thought: "Damn! all he wants to do is to get me to that fantastic location in order to **** me!"

Some men/women would react well to that approach, but some don't.

I think your wife felt forced, that you were playing a mindgame (even if you didn't think you were) and that she resented the approach.


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post #170 of 185 (permalink) Old 12-05-2019, 09:51 PM
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Re: Encouraging Growth & Save a Marriage

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That’s great advice - thank you! I still want to keep my expectations low. That way, assuming there’s no change, I won’t be DISCONTENT if nothing changes (see Diana - I’m learning!).
Glad to hear it, but rather than just keeping your expectations low so you wont be discontent, be proactive in being content and thankful for what you DO have in your wife and your marriage and life.

OH and, be more aware of praising you wife and thanking her and also showing your appreciation for her. In sex as well.
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post #171 of 185 (permalink) Old 12-06-2019, 02:55 AM
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Re: Encouraging Growth & Save a Marriage

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I have not masturbated to porn in a very long time - many many years. There were a few times this year where I looked at porn for a minute or two to get my engine running so I could go to her with more enthusiasm, or so I was thinking at the time. I was in more of a bad headspace than I am now and the thought of more maintenance sex just wasn’t getting me going. I also have medical/hormonal issues and I knew it hurts her terribly if I can’t finish, so getting my engine running helped with that and helped her, so I was thinking, by not having her to have to deal with another time I couldn’t finish.

I didn’t look at “porn stars”. I looked a legit amateur stuff where the people were not particularly attractive. I soon noticed that I was turned on by the attitude the woman displayed for her man, and not her body. I then realized it wasn’t healthy since I knew my wife isn’t like that (normally), and I‘m only making things worse by looking at that.

A number of you are now judging me for “forcing” my wife to be like that, and don’t believe me when I say I am horrendously turned off by the remote thought of forcing a woman to do anything. And yet I’ve seen glimpses of an unrestricted sexual attitude in her and had one time recently where my wife blew away by a thousand times anything I’ve ever seen in porn. Shame on me for wanting more of that please. I do NOT expect that every time. Once in a while would be an amazing thing to shake things up and add a lot of excitement to our sex life (yes, I know, for me).
This is more sympathetic that many posts come across. Essentially, you want something that is stereotypically feminine, to feel desired. The problem is you cannot nag her into feeling desired; you have the choice of a patient exploration about how she would spontaneously express those feelings to you, or accept it won't happen and suck it up.

Trying to make her different is not an option.
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post #172 of 185 (permalink) Old 12-06-2019, 05:47 AM
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Re: Encouraging Growth & Save a Marriage

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I would never ever leave my husband over something like this, I love and respect him far too much. My marriage is far too important as are the vows I made.

Would you stay if he just decided one day he couldn't be bothered with sex anymore?
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post #173 of 185 (permalink) Old 12-06-2019, 05:49 AM
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Re: Encouraging Growth & Save a Marriage

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I would expect an empty house to have some positive effect.

My wife took the chance to turn the sex tap off...
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post #174 of 185 (permalink) Old 12-06-2019, 06:30 AM
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I would expect an empty house to have some positive effect.

My wife took the chance to turn the sex tap off... <a href="https://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/TAMarriage_2015/smilies/tango_face_smile_big.png" border="0" alt="" title="Laugh" >:-)</a>
That sucks. Sorry
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post #175 of 185 (permalink) Old 12-06-2019, 07:17 AM
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Re: Encouraging Growth & Save a Marriage

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I think that many of us realise that for a couple with a long marriage and children who are in their 50's, 3 times a week is probably well above average. You are not even married yet and I am guessing younger?
Also we have no idea what their sex ls like, we only have one side after all.
Sad to think that you would abandon your spouse and children because the sex wasn't as you wanted, but your choice I guess.
I would never ever leave my husband over something like this, I love and respect him far too much. My marriage is far too important as are the vows I made.
Yeah, nope... It was like this in my long term marriage.

And, this relationship is newer, we are not married yet.

And you are giving the same excuses as others. And I give the same answers as always.

I don't live like that, sex is important to me, I make sex a priority.

And to top it off, I think I am older than you, unless you are well past 60....
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post #176 of 185 (permalink) Old 12-06-2019, 08:02 AM
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Re: Encouraging Growth & Save a Marriage

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That sucks. Sorry
Thanks... but we have a complicated story/history. Still, didn't expect that!
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post #177 of 185 (permalink) Old 12-06-2019, 08:21 AM
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Re: Encouraging Growth & Save a Marriage

So, what have we learned? Your wife currently has sex with you around 3 times a week. She doesn't like to talk about sex. You believe she's harboring a sexual beast that she is unwilling to unleash under normal circumstances. She is not adverse to smoking weed. You had a phenomenal time the one time you two got stoned together.

What if you picked up some weed and during an opportune time (the kids are out of the house and you two aren't particularly busy at the moment) you casually mention that you are going to partake to de-stress from the week and proceed to your appointed place for partaking (hint - not the bedroom). Do NOT invite her. Let her come to you. She may not the first time (or, ever); but, the allure might draw her in under her own power. If the desired results are achieved, do NOT bring it up to her afterwards. She needs to normalize this in her mind under her own steam.

It's a long-shot - what do you have to lose?

I could give up chocolate but I'm not a quitter.
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post #178 of 185 (permalink) Old 12-06-2019, 09:31 AM
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Re: Encouraging Growth & Save a Marriage

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It's a long-shot - what do you have to lose?

Very long shot...
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post #179 of 185 (permalink) Old 12-06-2019, 10:04 AM
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Re: Encouraging Growth & Save a Marriage

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What if you picked up some weed and during an opportune time (the kids are out of the house and you two aren't particularly busy at the moment) you casually mention that you are going to partake to de-stress from the week and proceed to your appointed place for partaking (hint - not the bedroom). Do NOT invite her. Let her come to you. She may not the first time (or, ever); but, the allure might draw her in under her own power. If the desired results are achieved, do NOT bring it up to her afterwards. She needs to normalize this in her mind under her own steam.



It's a long-shot - what do you have to lose?

^^^THIS

My wife tends to summarily reject something I want to do but when I say ok and then head out solo... all of a sudden she doesn’t want to get left out. Think it goes back to the control-thing someone mentioned earlier. Going to the gym is the perfect example. Begged her to go. At first no then begrudgingly but did her own thing. Said I want work out WITH you not just give you a ride to the gym and then dropped it. Next week she was asking it she could go with me and hung with me 90% of the workout.




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post #180 of 185 (permalink) Old 12-06-2019, 10:06 AM
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Re: Encouraging Growth & Save a Marriage

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Next week she was asking it she could go with me and hung with me 90% of the workout.

I'm surprised she falls for it so easily...
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