Encouraging Growth & Save a Marriage - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #31 of 185 (permalink) Old 12-02-2019, 04:16 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Encouraging Growth & Save a Marriage

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OK you are probably not going to listen to me, but discontentment is deadly for a marriage. Thankfulness is vital, and from what you have said you have SO much to be thankful for, many would give so much to have what you have.

You are craving the 5% that you think you must have, and risking the 95% that you do have. When ever that discontentment comes into your mind, think of all the good things about her, you children, the marriage, your home etc and stop feeling sorry for yourself.
A lot of marriage is about compromise anyway.

As for the drugs, I agree with her, there is no way that I would risk damaging my mind or body with that stuff.
Actually, I do agree that discontentment can/will kill a marriage. That’s why I’m here. I want to end that.

Where I firmly disagree with you is where our sex life is only 5% of the marriage. In fact, sex is the ONE THING that’s supposed to differentiate marriage from all other relationships. I can have everything in relationships with others, including emotional intimacy, but sex is what’s ideally reserved for marriage. Don’t you affirm that?

As for the drugs, we didn’t set out to become “intoxicated”. We did the equivalent of drinking more wine than we could handle. It happens. My point in relaying that story was to show why I think there’s more of a sexual beast within her than she’s letting on.
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post #32 of 185 (permalink) Old 12-02-2019, 04:21 PM
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OK you are probably not going to listen to me, but discontentment is deadly for a marriage. Thankfulness is vital, and from what you have said you have SO much to be thankful for, many would give so much to have what you have.

You are craving the 5% that you think you must have, and risking the 95% that you do have. When ever that discontentment comes into your mind, think of all the good things about her, you children, the marriage, your home etc and stop feeling sorry for yourself.
A lot of marriage is about compromise anyway.

As for the drugs, I agree with her, there is no way that I would risk damaging my mind or body with that stuff.
Actually, I do agree that discontentment can/will kill a marriage. That’s why I’m here. I want to end that.

Where I firmly disagree with you is where our sex life is only 5% of the marriage. In fact, sex is the ONE THING that’s supposed to differentiate marriage from all other relationships. I can have everything in relationships with others, including emotional intimacy, but sex is what’s ideally reserved for marriage. Don’t you affirm that?

As for the drugs, we didn’t set out to become “intoxicated”. We did the equivalent of drinking more wine than we could handle. It happens. My point in relaying that story was to show why I think there’s more of a sexual beast within her than she’s letting on.
Are you saying you are getting starfish sex and want bronco sex? Or are you saying you want her to initiate more or get more excited about it when you make your move?
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post #33 of 185 (permalink) Old 12-02-2019, 04:22 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Encouraging Growth & Save a Marriage

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What is your current frequency like? Although the sex might not rise to the level to fully meet your needs, how accommodating do you feel she is to having sex?
We’re at 2-3 times per week. All of it my initiation. I am NOT lacking in a “physical need” capacity. I’m looking for more enthusiasm, excitement, adventurousness, activeness. I can’t help but wonder if more of that is within her, but restrained for reasons I can’t understand.

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From many stories on the board, I think the current situation is about as good as it will get. It might get a little better, but I don't think it's likely that she becomes all that more passionate about sex. It sounds like it's not that important to her, but she still makes an effort for your sake. That seems to be most common version of "success" in these kinds of situations.

You may need to make a decision about what is more important to you: a passionate and fulling sex life, or the relationship you currently have. I have no doubt that you could meet someone who would give you everything you want sexually, but there's no guarantee about the rest of the relationship. There will be exes, step-kids, and all kind of other relationship differences to deal with. And from the dating threads, it seems like just finding someone worthy of a relationship is an adventure itself. If you want to keep your current relationship, you will likely need to think a lot about what a compatible solution will be given your needs and who she is.
I hate the binary path here. Could there not be a third way? Perhaps I’m greedy, wanting the same wife, the same life, AND a more exciting sex life. I’m not willing to throw in the towel just yet (although there have been days where I’ve sworn to myself that I’m done trying).
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post #34 of 185 (permalink) Old 12-02-2019, 04:34 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Encouraging Growth & Save a Marriage

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You never cultivate desire by complaining there is none. You’ve said your peace. You really just have to take what you can get and take care of yourself the rest of time. I think if you just stopped pursuing it, that might change things. You could make a point by stopping in the middle and saying it’s not doing anything for you but if she needs to be finished off manually off you can do that.
I learned that the hard way. I’ve been reading TAM a while and I now know it’s repulsive to women if a man in any way comes across as needy. I don’t complain at all to her about our sex life. On occasion, maybe when I’m feeling masochistic I’ll try to bring up a constructive conversation outside the bedroom. Almost never goes well when the topic is sex. She knows I’d like more but feels helpless and so she shuts down or gets angry. And I think I understand why - to her everything’s “great”. To her, me bringing up a desire to do more only means “everything now must be wrong”. Ugh.

I did do exactly that what you suggested - stopped in the middle and said those exact words. Didn’t pout, didn’t sulk. You’d think I’d murdered a puppy in front of her. That fight lasted days.

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Go hit the gym, hang with your buds and become more desirable.
Definitely agree with that. Now just need to find the time...
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post #35 of 185 (permalink) Old 12-02-2019, 04:36 PM
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@emcsquared why did you start on the TRT? Was it a choice or were you medically diagnosed with low testosterone.

Did your start noticing your wife's sexual inadequacies more after you went on the TRT?
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post #36 of 185 (permalink) Old 12-02-2019, 04:37 PM
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Re: Encouraging Growth & Save a Marriage

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As for the drugs, we didn’t set out to become “intoxicated”. We did the equivalent of drinking more wine than we could handle. It happens. My point in relaying that story was to show why I think there’s more of a sexual beast within her than she’s letting on.
First of all, marijuana is known to enhance sexual pleasure, so she may not be able to have such an intense experience without it.

I think the response that your wife had scared her for some reason. Do you think she was embarrassed by her response?



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I hate the binary path here. Could there not be a third way? Perhaps I’m greedy, wanting the same wife, the same life, AND a more exciting sex life. I’m not willing to throw in the towel just yet (although there have been days where I’ve sworn to myself that I’m done trying).
If you are trying to change your wife, that is probably a pointless endeavor. Like someone else mentioned, if she wanted you to get excited about shoe shopping, that would probably be pointless as well. Some people don't have a high sex drive and are not that into sex. That doesn't mean she's not into you or that she doesn't care about you. I think you may be taking this too personally when it's not you she isn't into. It's just that she doesn't place a high value on sex. She is available to you when you want sex, which gives me the impression that she's really into you. She'd have to be in order to have sex whenever you want and not resist or complain. Instead she happily goes along with what you like without complaint.

I understand that you want your wife to enjoy sex as much as you do and that you want some different things, but I don't think it's something you want to ruin your marriage over. Your wife loves you and supports you.

I think it would be helpful for you to be thankful for your wife and to not take it personally that she isn't creative in bed. If you want something different, ask her or take the initiative and try it out. See if she enjoys it, but don't expect her to suddenly become more creative in that area. It sounds like she's perfectly happy with you and your sex life the way it is and may be afraid, embarrassed, just plain disinterested to try anything new on her own.

When you wife told you her one and only fantasy, what did you do to fulfill it for her?


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post #37 of 185 (permalink) Old 12-02-2019, 04:38 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Encouraging Growth & Save a Marriage

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Have you considered making an appointment with a sex therapist and tell your wife that you need her to come with you, then getting the input of the therapist on what can be done to bring you two into better alignment? I think if you approach her by letting her know that you want both of you to be on the same page and think this will help, she may be willing to go, as long as it's not all about trying to get her to change, but for you to learn to be more compatible with her as well.
I have considered this. Haven’t been able to find what appears to be a decent sex therapist anywhere near me. And she has in fact yelled at me “you need help!” in a recent argument so yes, she’d come, with the clear understanding that it’s me who’s “broken” and needs to be fixed.
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post #38 of 185 (permalink) Old 12-02-2019, 04:44 PM
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Re: Encouraging Growth & Save a Marriage

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I have considered this. Haven’t been able to find what appears to be a decent sex therapist anywhere near me. And she has in fact yelled at me “you need help!” in a recent argument so yes, she’d come, with the clear understanding that it’s me who’s “broken” and needs to be fixed.
Maybe a marriage counselor could help you both come to unity in this area. Taking a collaborative approach is the most likely way to resolve this for both of you.


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post #39 of 185 (permalink) Old 12-02-2019, 04:44 PM
 
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Re: Encouraging Growth & Save a Marriage

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Well, “fortunately” while I’m perfectly average looking, I’ve never been one whom women throw themselves at. And I always wear my wedding ring which women always seem to respect. As for her, that would be more inconceivable than a Matrix-like moment when Neo must swallow that his entire existence has been a computer simulation lol
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post #40 of 185 (permalink) Old 12-02-2019, 04:48 PM
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Well, “fortunately” while I’m perfectly average looking, I’ve never been one whom women throw themselves at. And I always wear my wedding ring which women always seem to respect. As for her, that would be more inconceivable than a Matrix-like moment when Neo must swallow that his entire existence has been a computer simulation lol
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Right?? I was thinking the same thing
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post #41 of 185 (permalink) Old 12-02-2019, 05:11 PM
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Re: Encouraging Growth & Save a Marriage

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We’re at 2-3 times per week. All of it my initiation. I am NOT lacking in a “physical need” capacity. I’m looking for more enthusiasm, excitement, adventurousness, activeness. I can’t help but wonder if more of that is within her, but restrained for reasons I can’t understand.
At 2-3x/week, you're probably already at the high end of the typical range for a 25-year relationship with kids. Keep in mind what you're trying to achieve is not very typical unless the relationship has been passionate all along. It's like you have the goose who lays golden eggs, but you're frustrated because the eggs aren't big enough.

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I hate the binary path here. Could there not be a third way? Perhaps I’m greedy, wanting the same wife, the same life, AND a more exciting sex life. I’m not willing to throw in the towel just yet (although there have been days where I’ve sworn to myself that I’m done trying).
One thing that can likely be achieved is to have sex with more emotional connection. She may not be more passionate, but she could find the sex more enjoyable and fulfilling. You can help a lot by being more emotionally engaged on a regular basis. Like, when she talks to you, really listen and want to be there like you did at the start of the relationship. But don't do it as a manipulation tactic to get more sex. Do it because you love her and want her to be happy.

I also can't help wondering if the TRT is amping up your sex drive and making you more single-focused. Why are you on that? If you had to choose between staying on TRT or your marriage, which would you pick?
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post #42 of 185 (permalink) Old 12-02-2019, 05:21 PM
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Re: Encouraging Growth & Save a Marriage

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Sorry, Diana... no. If a man plays his cards right (and with pharmaceutical help, as I pointed out), he CAN be in great shape, look good, have a maturity and wisdom that only comes with age, have his finances in order, etc. The world is his oyster.
Sorry I thought you meant sexual peak.

I guess what you say applies to us all.
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post #43 of 185 (permalink) Old 12-02-2019, 05:30 PM
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Re: Encouraging Growth & Save a Marriage

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We’re at 2-3 times per week. All of it my initiation. I am NOT lacking in a “physical need” capacity. I’m looking for more enthusiasm, excitement, adventurousness, activeness. I can’t help but wonder if more of that is within her, but restrained for reasons I can’t understand.



I hate the binary path here. Could there not be a third way? Perhaps I’m greedy, wanting the same wife, the same life, AND a more exciting sex life. I’m not willing to throw in the towel just yet (although there have been days where I’ve sworn to myself that I’m done trying).
I have noticed that some men think that their wives must be like they are sexually and seem surprised when they aren't.

Why can't she be happy with your 2-3 times a week(which is quite a lot for a couple in their 50's BTW) and have to have some sort of hidden restrained sexuality? She is not you and you are not her. The story about the weekend away and wanting her to think of one thing that you havent done sexually that you can try on that weekend is a case in point. Not a good idea.

As for the 5%, I was thinking of the 5% as being a percentage of all the good things that you have in your life. Your wife, marriage, home, children, family, friends etc etc. Yes and a wife who is more than happy to have frequent regular sex with you.

The way that you stop being discontent is to stop letting your mind dwell on these things you think you lack, and think instead of the countless good things that you enjoy. Its a discipline. Be thankful.

Also I have no idea if you are porn user, but if you are then stop. Porn gives men a totally unrealistic idea of what women do and think and want, its acting.

Last edited by Diana7; 12-02-2019 at 05:34 PM.
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post #44 of 185 (permalink) Old 12-02-2019, 06:14 PM
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Re: Encouraging Growth & Save a Marriage

I love my husband. I’m super sexually attracted to him. We have a great sex life, I am very satisfied. The only problem is... it’s not enough for him. He is always pushing me, and wanting more and different. Sometimes I think he wants me to put on a fake performance for him. Why can’t I be enough the way I am? Sometimes he loses his erection and doesn’t finish, and all I can think about is I am not enough.

-your wife
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post #45 of 185 (permalink) Old 12-02-2019, 06:36 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Encouraging Growth & Save a Marriage

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First of all, if you are watching porn, stop it immediately. That stuff will rewire your brain to make you believe that all women want and do the stuff that is portrayed in those films. It's not reality...not by a long shot. So get that stuff out of your head.
I agree with you. Every once in a while I had peeked at some porn just to try and get my engine running so that I could then go to my wife. While I know 90%+ of the women in there are faking it for money, I also know full well there really are women who enjoy sex that much and are vocal, active, and get into becoming ever better at pleasing their partner. I quit looking because THAT became too painful, since I know that’s not my wife, and most likely, never will be. Isn’t that crazy? I think the attitude portrayed in porn is WAY more sexy than fake boobs etc. Yes, I know most of it is fake, but damn it’s sexy as hell. I’m not saying I expect my wife to act like a porn star but just that she show some enthusiasm!

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Second, I think you have a good understanding of your wife's personality. You will not change that so start working with it. In my case, I had to come to the place where I understood that I was going to have to be in charge of our sex life. I have a responsive desire wife and it sounds like you do as well. So you have to take a leadership role and take her where you want to go. Don't ask her to think of things to do. That will be your job. And be reasonable. I mean, you shouldn’t go pushing through hard limits, things they’re not ready for yet, feel morally opposed to (like drugs) or acts that are immoral. But, that still leaves a lot of activities for most people.
Right. I’m not asking her for threesomes or anything like that. It’s really more about the attitude than the specific acts. Short of bringing other people in, we both think everything’s morally fine.

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Also understand that she is not broken so you have nothing to fix. She's just different. So you have to adjust and be okay with being the initiator. I wanted my wife to think about sex more as well. Sexting is one thing that worked for me. Kept the wife thinking about sex and she was more enthusiastic about it when I got home.
As I said before, I fully understand she’s not broken. I’m looking to nurture and grow what just may be already there. Your idea to proactively sext is a good one.
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