Encouraging Growth & Save a Marriage - Page 7 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #91 of 185 (permalink) Old 12-03-2019, 01:46 PM
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Again, Diana is recommending rug sweeping. The wife needs to start caring about her husband's discontent in this area. Sounds like she pulls, perhaps, silent treatment regarding their sexual issues and arguing instead of listening to him and trying to work with him on this. Perhaps because she thinks he's not going anywhere. And that's dangerous. He's here saying he's losing attraction to her, having an issue with finishing, feeling resentful, and has contemplated leaving. Recommending he basically stuff his feelings on this is poor advice.
I think what she is saying is that his wife might not ever deliver on the pornstar sex he desires. But so what? Thats just not who she is. If they are still having sex, even if its vanilla, why is that so bad for him? Why does sex however it comes have to be sport if its to be good. Thats what hookups amount to not a loving marital bond.

OP is obviously not stupid enough to throw away a great marriage for the chance at pornstar sex. Some fleeting satisfaction isn't going to amount to **** in the end.

I think honestly he needs to stop whining about the molehills and be thankful for the mountains.
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post #92 of 185 (permalink) Old 12-03-2019, 01:46 PM
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I’m not going to leave my wife. I said that in my first post. And I tell her often how awesome she is for all that she is and all that she does. I would LIKE more in the sexual enthusiasm department. If that’s a crime, then I’m guilty as charged. I keep saying that I know I can’t change her. Maybe I’m a knuckle-dragger but atm I’m convinced there’s more to her sexuality than she’s letting on. I assume it’s something about ME that’s causing her to keep it repressed. So maybe there’s something in ME that can change to encourage her to reveal the “full her” to me....?
Maybe it is something about YOU. You shared that you feel sick doing anything sexual unless you have full enthusiast consent due a past relationship with a sexual assault victim. That would be a huge turn off for me and would result in a lot of disappointment. My husband once put his hand on my neck during sex (not in a squeezing I-want-to-kill-you sort of way) and man it was so hot! If he had asked me if he could do it I most certainly would’ve said hell no. Same with positions - I can’t imagine him asking me if he can lift this leg up and come in from this angle. I would immediately find reasons why that would be a bad idea. He doesn’t ask, he does, and mercy those are the most amazing moments. (And sometimes a new position like that will throw off my sciatica and ruin the whole thing. Just a roll of the dice).

Is it possible you were doing more “doing” and less asking and seeking permission during the pot sex session? Maybe your hang ups are part of what keeps her repressed?
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post #93 of 185 (permalink) Old 12-03-2019, 01:54 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Encouraging Growth & Save a Marriage

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Wow, you have all that and yet you are still discontent? You should live some peoples lives.
I am NOT discontent in every aspect of my life. On the contrary, I am blessed beyond belief. I am merely looking to expand & improve ONE area of my life, albeit an important one to me. I just don’t buy the argument that “since so much is going well for me in my life, I shouldn’t bother trying to improve things any more”. We are all works in progress. Why not strive for continuous self-improvement?
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post #94 of 185 (permalink) Old 12-03-2019, 01:57 PM
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Re: Encouraging Growth & Save a Marriage

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Well, sorry if this is a bummer of a thought, but it might be the truth. You can't manufacture passion in someone else for you. She just might not have it for you. Having natural passion for a man makes a woman do what you want your wife to do in terms of energy, enthusiasm, excitement, effort, participation, etc.
Just keep in mind that your wife can still love you, very much, without passion. Which is one of the most-frustrating revelations this 63 year old guy has had to deal with. It's tough explaining to your wife that "Love" isn't enough. By its very definition, it should be, right? So how does that make me feel, to believe otherwise?
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post #95 of 185 (permalink) Old 12-03-2019, 01:58 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Encouraging Growth & Save a Marriage

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I think honestly he needs to stop whining about the molehills and be thankful for the mountains.
So my desire for growth in my marital sex life is whining? Got it.
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post #96 of 185 (permalink) Old 12-03-2019, 02:03 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Encouraging Growth & Save a Marriage

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Maybe it is something about YOU. You shared that you feel sick doing anything sexual unless you have full enthusiast consent due a past relationship with a sexual assault victim. That would be a huge turn off for me and would result in a lot of disappointment. My husband once put his hand on my neck during sex (not in a squeezing I-want-to-kill-you sort of way) and man it was so hot! If he had asked me if he could do it I most certainly would’ve said hell no. Same with positions - I can’t imagine him asking me if he can lift this leg up and come in from this angle. I would immediately find reasons why that would be a bad idea. He doesn’t ask, he does, and mercy those are the most amazing moments. (And sometimes a new position like that will throw off my sciatica and ruin the whole thing. Just a roll of the dice).

Is it possible you were doing more “doing” and less asking and seeking permission during the pot sex session? Maybe your hang ups are part of what keeps her repressed?
I absolutely don’t ask her to move her around during sex. And sometimes I do hold her neck firmly - she’s not been sexually assaulted so I’m not worried about triggering her. It’s more like this: “I’d love for you to get some hot lingerie to wear for me”. “Why? Why not just be naked?”. “Because you’d look so hot in that!”. “I don’t think so...”. And I leave it at that. I’m NOT going to push her.
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post #97 of 185 (permalink) Old 12-03-2019, 02:06 PM
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I think honestly he needs to stop whining about the molehills and be thankful for the mountains.
So my desire for growth in my marital sex life is whining? Got it.
Is pornstar sex considered growth? Unless she is starfishing and handing you excuses left and right shutting it down then its hard for me to generate much compassion for you. If there is no passion in her for you, then its up to you to manufacture that passion in her. It doesn't come from drugs. Read 'Married Mans Sex Life Primer' if that is what you need to work on. Or maybe its simply menopause. It happens, you both aren't spring chickens anymore.
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post #98 of 185 (permalink) Old 12-03-2019, 02:07 PM
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Re: Encouraging Growth & Save a Marriage

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I am NOT discontent in every aspect of my life. On the contrary, I am blessed beyond belief. I am merely looking to expand & improve ONE area of my life, albeit an important one to me. I just don’t buy the argument that “since so much is going well for me in my life, I shouldn’t bother trying to improve things any more”. We are all works in progress. Why not strive for continuous self-improvement?
You aren't looking for self-improvement. You are looking for wife improvement. It's not the same thing. These statements are statements of entitlement. At first I didn't think that this had anything to do with how your wife feels about you, but I'm beginning to change my mind.

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post #99 of 185 (permalink) Old 12-03-2019, 02:23 PM
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Re: Encouraging Growth & Save a Marriage

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So my desire for growth in my marital sex life is whining? Got it.
Trying to change things can cause change itself, and the change is not always positive. You said this before:

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And she has in fact yelled at me “you need help!” in a recent argument so yes, she’d come, with the clear understanding that it’s me who’s “broken” and needs to be fixed.
It sounds like she's already becoming defensive and putting up walls. Whatever you're doing needs to change. Obviously, you can imagine where the current path is going to lead if she's already reacting like this. Your 2-3x/week could become 2-3x/month. I don't get the sense that hot sex, lingerie, and stuff like that is nearly as enjoyable to her as it is to you. It may even turn her off. Maybe she thinks it's trashy or who knows. I think the more you push in that direction, the more walls she'll put up.
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post #100 of 185 (permalink) Old 12-03-2019, 02:33 PM
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Re: Encouraging Growth & Save a Marriage

Self-improvement only covers parts of your life that you are personally in control of. Telling yourself that this is about self-improvement doesn't make it so. This is 100% about you not being satisfied with your sex life because your wife isn't on the same page as you are. The more she believes you are dissatisfied with her, the more self-conscious she will become and the more reserved she will become.

Your best option is counseling and expressing your satisfaction with everything you are satisfied with in your wife, including being loving and affectionate during sex, which are marriage building activities.

The fact that your wife has become very upset with you over this topic indicates that she's probably dissatisfied as well. Are you going to change for her or does it only go one way?

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post #101 of 185 (permalink) Old 12-03-2019, 03:47 PM
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Re: Encouraging Growth & Save a Marriage

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So my desire for growth in my marital sex life is whining? Got it.
I think what may be growth for you isn’t growth for her.
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post #102 of 185 (permalink) Old 12-03-2019, 04:57 PM
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Re: Encouraging Growth & Save a Marriage

Well, OP, I can't bash you for where you head is now. I've been there, and I suspect a lot of the pushback you're getting here is from people who have never been in a multi-decade marriage with someone with whom they have a large sexual disconnect.

So yes, growth to save your marriage is probably a good thing. Maybe you didn't realize that much (most?) of this growth was going to become yours to account for, but I think it is.
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post #103 of 185 (permalink) Old 12-03-2019, 05:03 PM
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Re: Encouraging Growth & Save a Marriage

It’s just like any other thing in the marriage. One person wants more or different and the other person will rise to the challenge or not. And as we all know we can’t make our partners do anything they don’t want to do.

Whether it’s more sex, romance, help around the house etc. it’s difficult to be the person dissatisfied or wanting more.
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post #104 of 185 (permalink) Old 12-03-2019, 05:32 PM
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Re: Encouraging Growth & Save a Marriage

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It’s just like any other thing in the marriage. One person wants more or different and the other person will rise to the challenge or not. And as we all know we can’t make our partners do anything they don’t want to do.

Whether it’s more sex, romance, help around the house etc. it’s difficult to be the person dissatisfied or wanting more.
Sure it is.

But I think the ease comes with a choice... am I willing to walk away if I don't get what I want, or think I need?

I think you need to find peace with whatever decision you make.
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post #105 of 185 (permalink) Old 12-03-2019, 06:09 PM
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Re: Encouraging Growth & Save a Marriage

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Again, Diana is recommending rug sweeping. The wife needs to start caring about her husband's discontent in this area. Sounds like she pulls, perhaps, silent treatment regarding their sexual issues and arguing instead of listening to him and trying to work with him on this. Perhaps because she thinks he's not going anywhere. And that's dangerous. He's here saying he's losing attraction to her, having an issue with finishing, feeling resentful, and has contemplated leaving. Recommending he basically stuff his feelings on this is poor advice.
No recommending rug sweeping at all, but recommending loving our spouse as they are and not as we want them to be.
Being thankful for the good that we have.
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