Encouraging Growth & Save a Marriage - Page 8 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #106 of 185 (permalink) Old 12-03-2019, 06:12 PM
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Re: Encouraging Growth & Save a Marriage

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Originally Posted by Girl_power View Post
It’s just like any other thing in the marriage. One person wants more or different and the other person will rise to the challenge or not. And as we all know we can’t make our partners do anything they don’t want to do.

Whether it’s more sex, romance, help around the house etc. it’s difficult to be the person dissatisfied or wanting more.
Then its up to the person to make an effort to stop that dissatisfaction and love their spouse as they are, and stop trying to change them.
I often hear men complain that women marry them and spend the next few years trying to change them. That's what is happening here.

Last edited by Diana7; 12-03-2019 at 06:22 PM.
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post #107 of 185 (permalink) Old 12-03-2019, 06:21 PM
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Re: Encouraging Growth & Save a Marriage

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I am NOT discontent in every aspect of my life. On the contrary, I am blessed beyond belief. I am merely looking to expand & improve ONE area of my life, albeit an important one to me. I just don’t buy the argument that “since so much is going well for me in my life, I shouldn’t bother trying to improve things any more”. We are all works in progress. Why not strive for continuous self-improvement?
You have said a lot about what you have tried to do to change things sexually for your benefit, but you haven't said anything about how you can work on loving and accepting your wife as she is, instead of trying to make her into something she isn't.
Its not self improvement you are wanting, its to make your wife be who she isn't.
You have this picture in your head of what you think women should be like in sex, and you are discontent because to you she isn't like those women. No she isn't, she is who she is. So accept that or spend the rest of your life making her feel not good enough and that you are disappointed in her, because believe me, she knows these things. Quite honestly I am amazed that she even wants to have sex with you at all, when she knows she isn't good enough.
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post #108 of 185 (permalink) Old 12-03-2019, 07:39 PM
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Re: Encouraging Growth & Save a Marriage

Leave or be asexual. Those are your choices. Yes, it stinks to face those choices. No, there isn't another choice.

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post #109 of 185 (permalink) Old 12-03-2019, 08:24 PM
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Re: Encouraging Growth & Save a Marriage

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Leave or be asexual. Those are your choices. Yes, it stinks to face those choices. No, there isn't another choice.
What a bunch of poop. He is not asexual. He's getting more sex from his wife than most men his age. Making things up to bolster the OP's position isn't doing him any good.


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post #110 of 185 (permalink) Old 12-03-2019, 09:22 PM
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Re: Encouraging Growth & Save a Marriage

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What a bunch of poop. He is not asexual. He's getting more sex from his wife than most men his age. Making things up to bolster the OP's position isn't doing him any good.
There is a big difference between "more sex" (which probably means "more sex than most" I'm thinking?) and an appropriate level of intimacy, of which sex is a shared part, something both participate in as opposed to the wife acquiescing.

Our MC thinks the issue is that my wife cannot "surrender" to passion. It's almost a control thing, because if you "surrender" you lose control. That could be the case here too. My wife balked at that description, so the MC softened it to "loosening up."

And yes, we can contort words like "surrender", "loosen up" and even "submit" to have very bad connotations. Or not. It's very important not just to use a word or phrase, but provide context for it.
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post #111 of 185 (permalink) Old 12-03-2019, 09:55 PM
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Re: Encouraging Growth & Save a Marriage

Your reaction is completely normal when you said:
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Originally Posted by emcsquared View Post
Perhaps it's a personality defect in me but if our sex life ain't great then my emotional connection to her begins to fade.
That's not a defect. That is very common in men. But even though you're having frequent sex, it sounds like it's not satisfying for either of you. It sounds like it's more of a chore for her, and no loving husband wants to force his wife to have sex that she doesn't want to have. Even though your frequency is good, I can understand that this kind of sex can leave you empty and weaken your emotional connection with her.

Here's what I think you should do. For the moment, forget about having wilder or more passionate sex. Try to focus on making what you have better and more enjoyable for both of you. But you can't do it on your own. She will need to be an active part of this process. She will need to think about and communicate what she needs in order to enjoy sex. Tell her you love her and need to have a satisfying sex life and you want her to have the same. Since past conversations haven't gone well, go to marriage counseling so you can discuss things in a more neutral setting. How things go in counseling will tell you a lot about how things will go in the future. If she's resistant to everything, has lots of reasons why she can't, won't, and shouldn't have sex; then there's not much hope that things will change in a significant way. But if she seems willing to participate, communicate her desires, and build a better connection, then things can get better. But you also have be willing to meet her in the middle based on what's realistic. What you're trying to achieve right now seems like it will be too challenging and she may feel it's hopeless if you say that's the only thing that will make you happy. You'll need to listen to her and take what she says to heart.
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post #112 of 185 (permalink) Old 12-04-2019, 12:54 AM
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Re: Encouraging Growth & Save a Marriage

i agree with many here. This is not about her growth, its about you convincing your wife to be what you want her to be.
She must feel very pressured in bed. And inadequate.

I cant imagine looking forward to a romantic, meaningful anniversary only to have him challenge me with thinking about a new sex act!
Id tell you to go alone, given the state of the marriage.

You say you would never force her physically, but consider this, you are forcing yourself on her mentally.

Growth and improvement needs to occur on both sides here. May i suggest MC with a sex therapist? Not one to convince her to do what you want, but one that helps you both negotiate a loving and fulfilling safe zone for sexual expression. It may mean that you need to temper your expectations, while she broadens hers. Go in with an open mind.

And please re read your post. I sense a hint of the transactional here. Expensive vacation = new sexual adventures in return.
Please seek MC. The outcome will determine next steps for both of you.

Last edited by aquarius1; 12-04-2019 at 07:15 AM.
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post #113 of 185 (permalink) Old 12-04-2019, 10:20 AM
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Encouraging Growth & Save a Marriage

After reading and commenting it occurred to me that what may be really going is OP is trying to tell his wife that there are different types of love and while love is an internal emotion how it gets expressed is different.

She is expressing pragma (enduring love) in the bedroom and this doesn’t comport with his desire to express love and receive expressions of erotic (sexual) love. Erotic love is only expressed to one person In a relationship.. your spouse. Absent a genuine reflection of passion and what appears to be obligation back at them, one partner takes this as “I love you but I’m not I love with you and I just don’t feel that way about you anymore.” Now a lot goes into that and you can’t throws rocks at someone for that because you either have passion or you don’t.

After having some barriers removed she proved that there is erotic love in there and that’s what he so desperately wants. Her walls are up for some reason and only she determines if and when they come down. I get it. She was stepping on your air hose for so long and then took her foot off for a few seconds. She’s just not getting the message that non-passionate sex is just as bad as not getting any (emotionally speaking).

*EDIT*
Forget MC, start IC and take her out of the equation. You have to deal with yourself first. She’s having sex 2-3x a week because she feels obligated to and possibly hold the moral high ground and take away the argument she is denying it or you. Regardless, just work with the IC on a way ahead to accepting (or not accepting) what she’s offering you and how that affects your marriage going forward.

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Last edited by aaarghdub; 12-04-2019 at 10:43 AM.
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post #114 of 185 (permalink) Old 12-04-2019, 11:15 AM
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Re: Encouraging Growth & Save a Marriage

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Originally Posted by Holdingontoit View Post
Leave or be asexual. Those are your choices. Yes, it stinks to face those choices. No, there isn't another choice.
His marriage isn't asexual. He's getting it 3 times a week. It's just not the porn sex he wants.
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post #115 of 185 (permalink) Old 12-04-2019, 11:23 AM
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Re: Encouraging Growth & Save a Marriage

IMO what is happening here is a basic state of the human condition: nothing being good enough, always wanting more, the grass is greener.

If you didn't have your wife in your life, you probably wouldn't even be having 3 times a week "bad" sex. Many other good things would also be missing from your life. You would be thinking of the good old days when you were married to your wife and having loving, even if it isn't porn worthy, sex 3 times a week with a wife who loves you.

You need to work on your character, and deal with your lack of greatfulness. Not greatfulness to your wife, but to God, the universe, whatever you believe in.

Like Diana said, your life is 95% good, and you are focusing on the 5% that could be better. You are on the precipice of disaster. Don't blow up your and your wife's life over this. You WILL regret it.
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post #116 of 185 (permalink) Old 12-04-2019, 11:57 AM
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You need to work on your character, and deal with your lack of greatfulness. Not greatfulness to your wife, but to God, the universe, whatever you believe in.
Wow, judgemental much?
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post #117 of 185 (permalink) Old 12-04-2019, 12:17 PM
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Re: Encouraging Growth & Save a Marriage

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Wow, judgemental much?
No. Observant. Combine that with sage wisdom I've gleaned over the decades. No my wisdom, the sages' wisdom. I just shared it. You're trying to shoot the messenger.
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post #118 of 185 (permalink) Old 12-04-2019, 12:21 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Encouraging Growth & Save a Marriage

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You have said a lot about what you have tried to do to change things sexually for your benefit, but you haven't said anything about how you can work on loving and accepting your wife as she is, instead of trying to make her into something she isn't.
Its not self improvement you are wanting, its to make your wife be who she isn't.
You have this picture in your head of what you think women should be like in sex, and you are discontent because to you she isn't like those women. No she isn't, she is who she is. So accept that or spend the rest of your life making her feel not good enough and that you are disappointed in her, because believe me, she knows these things. Quite honestly I am amazed that she even wants to have sex with you at all, when she knows she isn't good enough.
I must just suck at communicating. I’ve said repeatedly I have both a suspicion and some good evidence there’s much more to her sexuality than she’s letting on. My guess is that it’s cultural conditioning and even “religious contexts” that convey the message that a “good wife” just doesn’t “do such things” or “act such ways” with her husband. Only “****ty” women do that is the message she’s been taught by others. It’s a damn shame and just maybe that lie can be dispelled from her head.

So, again, I am NOT pressuring her to change into what “I think women should be like in sex”. I’m wanting to see what *I* can do to give her the encouragement and “safe place” to let her hair down so to speak with her sexuality. There’s a massive difference. Either you don’t see that or you think I’m lying?
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post #119 of 185 (permalink) Old 12-04-2019, 12:38 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Encouraging Growth & Save a Marriage

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i agree with many here. This is not about her growth, its about you convincing your wife to be what you want her to be.
She must feel very pressured in bed. And inadequate.
Please read my post on this I just made where I address this. Also, I NEVER pressure her in bed. EVER. That very idea makes me nauseous.

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I cant imagine looking forward to a romantic, meaningful anniversary only to have him challenge me with thinking about a new sex act!
Id tell you to go alone, given the state of the marriage.
Wow. Just wow. I took her on a fabulous trip to celebrate OUR MARRIAGE. Not to pressure her into anything. I treat her like a queen and she’d tell you that to your face. When I asked her to think of some sexual “thing” we hadn’t done before, she reacted with a smile and said “OK!” ENTHUSIASTICALLY. As I said, when the time came, she hadn’t given it another thought. Is that hard-core PRESSURE? Another thing I’m very thankful for - that I’m not married to someone who thinks like you.



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You say you would never force her physically, but consider this, you are forcing yourself on her mentally.
Again, just wow. ANY kind of sexual pressure LITERALLY turns me off more than.... I was about to be very crude here but I won’t be. Let’s just say THAT would be my ED.

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Originally Posted by aquarius1 View Post
And please re read your post. I sense a hint of the transactional here. Expensive vacation = new sexual adventures in return
Absolute B.S. I took her on a great trip to celebrate US and all that we’ve been thru. When she broke my heart with her response I completely hid my reaction and buried it. Why? Because I’m a selfish boor (as some of you have accused me of)? No, because she’d previously stated that she feels more sexually open & adventurous on trips away from the kids and she liked my idea. Obviously not enough to give it another moment’s thought but at the time it was an enthusiastic ok.
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post #120 of 185 (permalink) Old 12-04-2019, 12:41 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Encouraging Growth & Save a Marriage

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Originally Posted by aaarghdub View Post
Forget MC, start IC and take her out of the equation. You have to deal with yourself first. She’s having sex 2-3x a week because she feels obligated to and possibly hold the moral high ground and take away the argument she is denying it or you. Regardless, just work with the IC on a way ahead to accepting (or not accepting) what she’s offering you and how that affects your marriage going forward.
I am starting to lean this way. I am truly starting to think I’m the one who’s broken here for wanting what I want.
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