"Is it so hard for her to just give me a blowj*b?!" - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 137 (permalink) Old 12-03-2019, 08:53 AM Thread Starter
 
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"Is it so hard for her to just give me a blowj*b?!"

I posted this on my private Facebook group for guys in Dead Bedrooms. The response was... lukewarm.

"I don't get it. Is it so hard for her to just give me a blowj*b?"

I've heard some variation of this for years. From friends in my pre-DSO days up until today with emails from readers and guys posting on Facebook.

What is it guys are saying with this, exactly?

"I have physical needs. She knows I have physical needs. Why can't she just set aside her disgust and be the masturbatory device that I need right now?"

Ouch. That ain't good.

Do you REALLY want some robot woman to sit there and pleasure you while she's thinking about doing laundry and “Oh God... just hurry up already"?

The "Why can't she just shut up and pleasure me?" line of thinking is just wrong on so many levels.

1. You're admitting her lack of attraction. You don't care. You have needs.
2. You recognize that she's not aroused. You don't care. You have needs.
3. You recognize that it may take "work" to get your wife to the position where she WANTS to give you pleasure. You don't care. You have needs.

I've used this analogy before... so bear with me:

Let's say your wife that you love so much is suddenly 200 lbs heavier, smells like cheese, and has a beard. She's still your wife... but through some kind of hormonal wizardry, she has become an objectively gross person. You've hinted at her going to the gym. You've left out razors and shaving cream. You throw out the junk food. You buy her fancy soaps. Yet, still, she can't take the hint. Naturally, you've started avoiding her. Touching... kissing... oh god... SEX?! No way. Not happening.

She notices the change in you. She gets pissed. "It's like you don't even like me anymore." Then she gets more pissed. "Would it kill you to just go down on me every now and then?! I'm not asking for much! It would make me feel better about myself, you know!"

So you grin and bear it... you do the deed... and you take a 30-minute shower afterward.

Now some of you may be saying, "Dude... nothing's changed. I'm still the same guy. I'm not grossly overweight. I'm not disgusting. I'm loving and I do everything I'm supposed to do. I'm not asking much from her."

Then I suggest you read The Dead Bedroom Fix if you haven't done so already. Already read it? Read it again. You must get into the mindset of the guy who doesn't NEED his woman. You don't NEED her affirmation and constant validation. You don't NEED her, period. You would prefer that she stick around... but if you do all the hard work and you become an UNDENIABLY good husband candidate, and she still turns her nose up at you... that's cool. Not the end of the world. Life is by no means over without her.

THAT is precisely the mindset that builds attraction. When somebody NEEDS you, it's an instant libido-killer. You're encroaching on the world of parenthood... and being a parent is the antithesis of being a sexual being. It's anti-eroticism. You must be the escape and the oasis away from that world of "I NEED YOU". If not, something or SOMEBODY else will be that escape.

By saying, "Why can you just give me sex?!"... you're advertising your NEED in a very very blunt and, frankly, very pathetic way. It's the double whammy of attraction killing.

Then, years down the line when you're in therapy with a wife who cheated on you and filed for divorce, she says to you, "It just felt like RAPE all those years. I didn't want to do those things and you just didn't care."

Does she have a point?


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post #2 of 137 (permalink) Old 12-03-2019, 08:56 AM
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Re: "Is it so hard for her to just give me a blowj*b?!"

Quote:
Originally Posted by dadstartingover View Post
I posted this on my private Facebook group for guys in Dead Bedrooms. The response was... lukewarm.

"I don't get it. Is it so hard for her to just give me a blowj*b?"

I've heard some variation of this for years. From friends in my pre-DSO days up until today with emails from readers and guys posting on Facebook.

What is it guys are saying with this, exactly?

"I have physical needs. She knows I have physical needs. Why can't she just set aside her disgust and be the masturbatory device that I need right now?"

Ouch. That ain't good.

Do you REALLY want some robot woman to sit there and pleasure you while she's thinking about doing laundry and “Oh God... just hurry up already"?

The "Why can't she just shut up and pleasure me?" line of thinking is just wrong on so many levels.

1. You're admitting her lack of attraction. You don't care. You have needs.
2. You recognize that she's not aroused. You don't care. You have needs.
3. You recognize that it may take "work" to get your wife to the position where she WANTS to give you pleasure. You don't care. You have needs.

I've used this analogy before... so bear with me:

Let's say your wife that you love so much is suddenly 200 lbs heavier, smells like cheese, and has a beard. She's still your wife... but through some kind of hormonal wizardry, she has become an objectively gross person. You've hinted at her going to the gym. You've left out razors and shaving cream. You throw out the junk food. You buy her fancy soaps. Yet, still, she can't take the hint. Naturally, you've started avoiding her. Touching... kissing... oh god... SEX?! No way. Not happening.

She notices the change in you. She gets pissed. "It's like you don't even like me anymore." Then she gets more pissed. "Would it kill you to just go down on me every now and then?! I'm not asking for much! It would make me feel better about myself, you know!"

So you grin and bear it... you do the deed... and you take a 30-minute shower afterward.

Now some of you may be saying, "Dude... nothing's changed. I'm still the same guy. I'm not grossly overweight. I'm not disgusting. I'm loving and I do everything I'm supposed to do. I'm not asking much from her."

Then I suggest you read The Dead Bedroom Fix if you haven't done so already. Already read it? Read it again. You must get into the mindset of the guy who doesn't NEED his woman. You don't NEED her affirmation and constant validation. You don't NEED her, period. You would prefer that she stick around... but if you do all the hard work and you become an UNDENIABLY good husband candidate, and she still turns her nose up at you... that's cool. Not the end of the world. Life is by no means over without her.

THAT is precisely the mindset that builds attraction. When somebody NEEDS you, it's an instant libido-killer. You're encroaching on the world of parenthood... and being a parent is the antithesis of being a sexual being. It's anti-eroticism. You must be the escape and the oasis away from that world of "I NEED YOU". If not, something or SOMEBODY else will be that escape.

By saying, "Why can you just give me sex?!"... you're advertising your NEED in a very very blunt and, frankly, very pathetic way. It's the double whammy of attraction killing.

Then, years down the line when you're in therapy with a wife who cheated on you and filed for divorce, she says to you, "It just felt like RAPE all those years. I didn't want to do those things and you just didn't care."

Does she have a point?
Wow! Maybe men should be more sensitive and we should blame him rather than the woman!

As a man reading this in the year 1853, I find the a radically new idea.
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post #3 of 137 (permalink) Old 12-03-2019, 09:01 AM
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Re: "Is it so hard for her to just give me a blowj*b?!"

Its very situation dependent. There are some people (men and women) who only want sexual things that directly please them. They want to receive oral but no provide, because doing oral is "different for men and women" -( I've heard that claim both directions) They want the sex positions that feel good for them, even if their partners don't really like them. The result can be a very unbalanced sex life where one person start to feel like a sex slave. (not in the fun way)

So someone who doesn't want do to oral is fine - if that is it, though of course their partner has the right to end the relationship if they are not happy. OTOH I think it is a problem if someone is selfish or controlling in bed.
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post #4 of 137 (permalink) Old 12-03-2019, 09:23 AM
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DSO, what's the continuance of your thought, though? So yeah, be someone attractive, on many levels... and if she still doesn't want to, you say, it's not the end of the world.

BUT so what then? What do you suggest next??? Just live the rest of your life never experiencing oral sex? What if you are NOT cool with that? Heck I know many women who would not be okay with never experiencing receiving oral in their life again.

So, what's next after becoming the most attractive man you can be and trying to ACT like it's all cool if you never experience oral sex again???
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post #5 of 137 (permalink) Old 12-03-2019, 09:27 AM
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DSO, what's the continuance of your thought, though? So yeah, be someone attractive, on many levels... and if she still doesn't want to, you say, it's not the end of the world.

BUT so what then? What do you suggest next??? Just live the rest of your life never experiencing oral sex? What if you are NOT cool with that? Heck I know many women who would not be okay with never experiencing receiving oral in their life again.

So, what's next after becoming the most attractive man you can be and trying to ACT like it's all cool if you never experience oral sex again???
You move on
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post #6 of 137 (permalink) Old 12-03-2019, 09:51 AM
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Re: "Is it so hard for her to just give me a blowj*b?!"

A rant worthy post, well here's one for ya.

When a person is taught from a young age to lie and fake relationships, why is it some surprise that they wind up in a sexual relationship with someone they aren't attracted to. When the social construct said that people should form permanent bonds before experiencing sex, we were some how surprised that people got into relationships that were incompatible. and unbreakable. it became a quality to be constant and faithful in a dysfunctional bond. And it hasn't ended. Sure I'm old enough that my kids have had the chance to make the same mistakes I did. And moms out there of kids young enough to be my grandchildren want me to substitute the words "naughty things" for the word "sex".

When you live in a world that accepts naughty things as a definition of the bonding joyous energy that holds a couple together, you get . . . . this mess we are in.

stop lying, stop trusting liars.
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post #7 of 137 (permalink) Old 12-03-2019, 10:32 AM
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Originally Posted by Mr. Nail View Post
A rant worthy post, well here's one for ya.

When a person is taught from a young age to lie and fake relationships, why is it some surprise that they wind up in a sexual relationship with someone they aren't attracted to. When the social construct said that people should form permanent bonds before experiencing sex, we were some how surprised that people got into relationships that were incompatible. and unbreakable. it became a quality to be constant and faithful in a dysfunctional bond. And it hasn't ended. Sure I'm old enough that my kids have had the chance to make the same mistakes I did. And moms out there of kids young enough to be my grandchildren want me to substitute the words "naughty things" for the word "sex".

When you live in a world that accepts naughty things as a definition of the bonding joyous energy that holds a couple together, you get . . . . this mess we are in.

stop lying, stop trusting liars.
It's only a (positive) quality to be constant and faithful in a dysfunctional bond if you decide it so.

There are plenty of people in the world who don't believe this, who believe it's a negative quality, and living an inauthentic lie to remain in a dysfunctional, unhappy bond/ marriage.
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post #8 of 137 (permalink) Old 12-03-2019, 10:36 AM
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Re: "Is it so hard for her to just give me a blowj*b?!"

Quote:
Originally Posted by dadstartingover View Post

Then, years down the line when you're in therapy with a wife who cheated on you and filed for divorce, she says to you, "It just felt like RAPE all those years. I didn't want to do those things and you just didn't care."

Does she have a point?
I don't think you should throw around rape (or "RAPE") so loosely. It's insulting to those who have truly experienced this. I've also had bad sex, gross sex, sex i regretted and sex where there was no attraction. But it wasn't rape and it should not be confused with rape. Unfortunately I know the difference. To say bad sex or "duty sex" or agreeing to sex when you don't feel like it or anything but rape is rape is insulting and trivializing it.

Is "feeling like RAPE" the new exaggerated way to say that you had sex that wasn't that great? Or that you have duty sex with a spouse that's less attractive to you now? Next we'll see people saying "my husband gained weight and is losing his hair. Ugghhh. He still expects me to have sex with him but it LITERALLY feels like RAPE! LOL".
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post #9 of 137 (permalink) Old 12-03-2019, 10:49 AM
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Re: "Is it so hard for her to just give me a blowj*b?!"

Quote:
Let's say your wife that you love so much is suddenly 200 lbs heavier, smells like cheese, and has a beard. She's still your wife... but through some kind of hormonal wizardry, she has become an objectively gross person. You've hinted at her going to the gym. You've left out razors and shaving cream. You throw out the junk food. You buy her fancy soaps. Yet, still, she can't take the hint. Naturally, you've started avoiding her. Touching... kissing... oh god... SEX?! No way. Not happening.

She notices the change in you. She gets pissed. "It's like you don't even like me anymore." Then she gets more pissed. "Would it kill you to just go down on me every now and then?! I'm not asking for much! It would make me feel better about myself, you know!"
If I still have feelings for her and she shows affection to me, I don't care that much how gross she is. Yes. Yes, I would go down on her. On your way you can surreptitiously brush away any extra chunks / funkyness and once you've sucked/licked for a bit the sour taste just becomes the taste of skin or your own saliva.

From the other direction nagging about sexual favors is going to make willing participation less likely for this time and for future instances as well. Don't hold them to the standard you have for yourself since they might not have the same feelings or perspective. You're generally talking to guys and as my ex used to say "Your right hand still works."

The other side of the coin being, if she doesn't show affection and treats me poorly, it doesn't matter how good she looks. The "relationship" is over at that point anyway except for the paperwork (if you're married). A big contributor to the situations you are talking about is people staying together long after the natural end to their relationship. There isn't any real feeling or regard for/from the SO but you're not moving on for some reason. In the absence of feelings, you're not going to have the motivation to do things for the other person whether it is sexual, time spent, buying presents, or whatever your love language is.
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post #10 of 137 (permalink) Old 12-03-2019, 10:53 AM
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Re: "Is it so hard for her to just give me a blowj*b?!"

Is it possible that she had a traumatic or embarrassing experience with going down on a guy before you? Thinks semen is disgusting? Thinks it’s degrading? Tastes gross? Your junk smells bad? Hates cum in her hair? Gagged and threw up on a guy?

I would start with these questions before you assume she’s just being difficult or a prude.

If she knew about this and internationally hid before marriage that’s a problem of not being honest... not that you avoid someone who hates fellatio.


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post #11 of 137 (permalink) Old 12-03-2019, 12:02 PM
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Re: "Is it so hard for her to just give me a blowj*b?!"

Completely agree. Using extreme terms (rape, war crimes etc) for relatively minor problems, simply weakens those terms.

For some reason a lot of people seem to have difficulty dealing with shades of bad. That its possibly to have very bad unpleasant sex, but for it not to be nearly as bad as rape. I would only apply rape when some form of illegal coercion was involved.

That said, unwanted sex can still be miserable.


Quote:
Originally Posted by JustTheWife View Post
I don't think you should throw around rape (or "RAPE") so loosely. It's insulting to those who have truly experienced this. I've also had bad sex, gross sex, sex i regretted and sex where there was no attraction. But it wasn't rape and it should not be confused with rape. Unfortunately I know the difference. To say bad sex or "duty sex" or agreeing to sex when you don't feel like it or anything but rape is rape is insulting and trivializing it.

Is "feeling like RAPE" the new exaggerated way to say that you had sex that wasn't that great? Or that you have duty sex with a spouse that's less attractive to you now? Next we'll see people saying "my husband gained weight and is losing his hair. Ugghhh. He still expects me to have sex with him but it LITERALLY feels like RAPE! LOL".
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post #12 of 137 (permalink) Old 12-03-2019, 12:29 PM
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Re: "Is it so hard for her to just give me a blowj*b?!"

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Originally Posted by uhtred View Post
Completely agree. Using extreme terms (rape, war crimes etc) for relatively minor problems, simply weakens those terms.

For some reason a lot of people seem to have difficulty dealing with shades of bad. That its possibly to have very bad unpleasant sex, but for it not to be nearly as bad as rape. I would only apply rape when some form of illegal coercion was involved.

That said, unwanted sex can still be miserable.
The OP produced some of the most banal and at the same time sensationalist crap I have ever read.

The assumption is that the man has no consideration as to what she wants, i.e. that men are usually abusive rapists. But! We can buy his book and that will cure things!
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post #13 of 137 (permalink) Old 12-03-2019, 12:41 PM
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Re: "Is it so hard for her to just give me a blowj*b?!"

What do you mean by "lukewarm response"? Were there few responses or the respondents weren't responding favorably?

Are the responses in this thread going to find their way into your next book? Or any publication?

I could give up chocolate but I'm not a quitter.
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post #14 of 137 (permalink) Old 12-03-2019, 01:21 PM Thread Starter
 
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Re: "Is it so hard for her to just give me a blowj*b?!"

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You move on
Exactly. I thought that was clear.


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post #15 of 137 (permalink) Old 12-03-2019, 01:33 PM Thread Starter
 
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Re: "Is it so hard for her to just give me a blowj*b?!"

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr The Other View Post
The OP produced some of the most banal and at the same time sensationalist crap I have ever read.

The assumption is that the man has no consideration as to what she wants, i.e. that men are usually abusive rapists. But! We can buy his book and that will cure things!
I seemed to have struck a nerve.

The term "rape" is not one that I myself throw around... but rather one countless men have heard in therapy coming from the mouths of their wives (the men that end up on my site). The man wanted sex. She said no. He pushed. She said no. He pushed... she finally caves. At the time it was a just simple eye roll and sigh, "Fine... lets go. Make it fast. My back hurts." The man has his needs met, wife didn't say anything more... all was good.

Years later, after these men discover their wife's affair, the guy strong arms the wife into going to therapy to "save" the marriage. The wife agrees and then tearfully rips the man apart. "And for the last five years you've been pressuring me for sex and I told you no but you just kept pushing anyway! Sometimes it felt like RAPE!"

I had a reader the other day tell me that his wife's own therapist convinced her that what she experienced was rape.

Awful stong word to throw around... but don't get caught up in the definition and validity of the term. The FEELINGS are still there: Sex wasn't wanted. It wasn't desired. It was made clear. The man pressured anyway. His physical needs trumped that of his wife's own desires and feelings. Do that dozens of times in a marriage, PLUS add in some history-revising emotions that come with an affair... and I can totally see how the R word is tossed out so easily.


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