I posted this on my private Facebook group for guys in Dead Bedrooms. The response was... lukewarm. "I don't get it. Is it so hard for her to just give me a blowj*b?"
I've heard some variation of this for years. From friends in my pre-DSO days up until today with emails from readers and guys posting on Facebook.
What is it guys are saying with this, exactly? "I have physical needs. She knows I have physical needs. Why can't she just set aside her disgust and be the masturbatory device that I need right now?"
Ouch. That ain't good.
Do you REALLY want some robot woman to sit there and pleasure you while she's thinking about doing laundry and “Oh God... just hurry up already"?
The "Why can't she just shut up and pleasure me?"
line of thinking is just wrong on so many levels.
1. You're admitting her lack of attraction. You don't care. You have needs.
2. You recognize that she's not aroused. You don't care. You have needs.
3. You recognize that it may take "work" to get your wife to the position where she WANTS to give you pleasure. You don't care. You have needs.
I've used this analogy before... so bear with me:
Let's say your wife that you love so much is suddenly 200 lbs heavier, smells like cheese, and has a beard. She's still your wife... but through some kind of hormonal wizardry, she has become an objectively gross person. You've hinted at her going to the gym. You've left out razors and shaving cream. You throw out the junk food. You buy her fancy soaps. Yet, still, she can't take the hint. Naturally, you've started avoiding her. Touching... kissing... oh god... SEX?! No way. Not happening.
She notices the change in you. She gets pissed. "It's like you don't even like me anymore."
Then she gets more pissed. "Would it kill you to just go down on me every now and then?! I'm not asking for much! It would make me feel better about myself, you know!"
So you grin and bear it... you do the deed... and you take a 30-minute shower afterward.
Now some of you may be saying, "Dude... nothing's changed. I'm still the same guy. I'm not grossly overweight. I'm not disgusting. I'm loving and I do everything I'm supposed to do. I'm not asking much from her."
Then I suggest you read The Dead Bedroom Fix
if you haven't done so already. Already read it? Read it again. You must get into the mindset of the guy who doesn't NEED his woman. You don't NEED her affirmation and constant validation. You don't NEED her, period. You would prefer that she stick around... but if you do all the hard work and you become an UNDENIABLY good husband candidate, and she still turns her nose up at you... that's cool. Not the end of the world. Life is by no means over without her.
THAT is precisely the mindset that builds attraction. When somebody NEEDS you, it's an instant libido-killer. You're encroaching on the world of parenthood... and being a parent is the antithesis of being a sexual being. It's anti-eroticism. You must be the escape and the oasis away from that world of "I NEED YOU". If not, something or SOMEBODY else will be that escape.
By saying, "Why can you just give me sex?!"
... you're advertising your NEED in a very very blunt and, frankly, very pathetic way. It's the double whammy of attraction killing.
Then, years down the line when you're in therapy with a wife who cheated on you and filed for divorce, she says to you, "It just felt like RAPE all those years. I didn't want to do those things and you just didn't care."
Does she have a point?