I have been married for over 35 years. I love my wife and we have a great life together. My wife is not a very physical person. She likes her space and that's fine, I do too. But the sexual part of our relationship have been driving me nuts especial the rules. Rules:
- No sex except in the dark usually after 9:00 PM.
- No sex in the morning.
- No afternoon sex because it is too light out.
- No sex without a hot bath first.
- The man always instigates but the woman has the right of refusal.
- The man may instigate by kissing, massaging, rubbing and intimately touching. The woman will show her unwillingness to respond by laying there with arms folded hoping it will all stop. It does.
- Apparently we have sex "all the time." My wife and I have very different calendars when it comes to sex. Ten days is "all the time" but for me it seems like an eternity.
The Rules have relegated passion to such a narrow window of opportunity that I find myself frustrated, angry and at a loss. My wife feels that sex should be spontaneous (we have talked about this) but for me it is very difficult to be spontaneous within these narrow confines. She says she enjoys sex but I get the impression, if I was not there, it would be the last thing on her mind. It wasn't always like this and there are times when the sex is exceptional but it never lasts.
There is a cycle to all of this. Usually, the longer I go without the more distant and the more pissed I become. Then something snaps in her and she says to herself "Oh no! I had better do him." She slips into bed naked and I'm like "Oh COOL!" and it's wonderful. I am on cloud nine for three days and then the cycle starts all over again. I have tried to talk to her but all she hears is that I am complaining that we never do it. That's not it at all. I want some communication. I want for her to want me just every now and then. I want sex to be important and not the last item on the to-do list.
Am I the only one stuck in a sex cycle and bound by a set of arbitrary rules?
The only one binding you to said rules is you.
If you don't like the game, walk away from the table.
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This in a nutshell OP. You're wife is behind the wheel and she doesn't know how to drive.
What type of shape are you in? Her?
Does she have a religious background?
You are part of the problem in that you have pretty much allowed yourself to be removed from being an equal sexual/romantic partner in this relationship.
Like Farside mentioned, she made a game with all the rules and you keep sitting down to play her game, and it is a game sir, one which neither of you can win.
Anyone can fall into the trap you two have and many can't, or won't, do what it takes to get out.
Mrs. C and I could have found ourselves in your shoes but I refused to allow us to remain in stupidville, sexually speaking, for very long.
We are into our 29th year together and we had a bad night last night with some yelling and stress. We talked later and she gave me a foot rub.
This morning she pranced around in her black set of under lace until she got a ride out of me because she just wanted me to know she loved me.
That took years of work in good faith by both of us.
There is no magic trick that will work here and your wife isn't going to start the process it will take to heal this situation.
This is going to have to be started by you and you will probably have an uphill battle to break many years worth of bad behavior from both of you and learn and establish healthy, new behavior.
It starts with taking your choice and agency back a little and focusing more on yourself and your personal betterment.
Farside has more personal experience with more ground covered than me so you can probably learn a lot from hearing his story and process.