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Sexless and it’s my fault (sort of)

11K views 74 replies 26 participants last post by  Mr The Other 
#1 ·
Hello

I never post on online forums, so this is a first for me. I just need to get this off of my chest and maybe talk to people who have been in my situation and (hopefully) turned it around.

I have been married for 7 years. We are both in our early thirties. We haven’t had sex since June and this is the normal for us. I’m not happy and I know he’s not happy, but it just gets brushed under the rug for months at a time. We have two young kids (1 and 5) which takes up all of our time it seems.

My husband would definitely be up for having sex any time, but I am not. And though I say that, he has never been one to really initiate anything either, but has never rejected me. Other than the occasional suggesting that we do it he shows me no affection at all.

I actually shudder and feel sick when I think about having sex. I could cry because that’s how badly I don’t want to do it. I always tell myself I should just suck it up for him but I literally cannot bring myself to do it. I know I have a problem. I don’t know how to fix it. Part of my problem is that he regularly skips showering and brushing his teeth and hygiene is very important to me. I’ve said things to him on many occasions but it just doesn’t matter, nothing changes. I usually can’t get that out of my head and it’s a huge turn off.

We’ve been in marriage counseling before and it did help for a while but we are right back to square one.

Has anyone been in a sexless marriage - where they are the problem - and fixed it eventually? I can’t bare the thought of breaking up our family but also can’t bare the thought of living a love never being touched, kissed, or loved in that way ever again. Just looking for hope or advice.

Thanks for reading if you made it to the end 🙂
 
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#2 ·
Re: Sexless and it’s my fault (sort of)



As difficult as it is, your problem is not the sexless marriage. That's a symptom.

Your problem is that you're married to someone that doesn't care about you and doesn't care about himself enough to actually take care of basic hygiene. My call would either be depression or just chronic laziness.

Don't focus on the sex. Focus on his behaviour. The sex will happen - maybe - if his behaviour changes.

And if it's too late for that, then it's too late for that. Your lack of attraction to someone that doesn't care about you and is actively disgusting is not your fault.
 
#3 ·
Re: Sexless and it’s my fault (sort of)

You really need to figure out what is going on.

You know that at some point even the weakest man will leave this type of marriage.

But at the same time why do you want to stay in the marriage? He basically repulses you so get out and find someone new...
 
#8 ·
You really need to figure out what is going on.

You know that at some point even the weakest man will leave this type of marriage.

But at the same time why do you want to stay in the marriage? He basically repulses you so get out and find someone new...
I want to stay in this marriage because we have children and a life together. I don’t want to break up our family if I can help it. I feel terrible.
 
#4 ·
Re: Sexless and it’s my fault (sort of)

A few questions:

If he fixed his hygiene and was more attentive to you, do you think you would desire sex? Have you been in relationships before where you desired sex?

If (being completely honest with yourself) you don't think you would desire sex under any realistic conditions, please take a look at asexuality.org Asexuality exists, there are some people who do not want sex ever. It like being gay, not something that can be changed.

OTOH, if you think that changes in his behavior would make you desire him, then you need to find a way to tell him - maybe through counseling.

If you have already told him and he is unwilling to change, then you have a very difficult decision, but many people would divorce in that situation .
 
#12 ·
A few questions:

If he fixed his hygiene and was more attentive to you, do you think you would desire sex? Have you been in relationships before where you desired sex?

If (being completely honest with yourself) you don't think you would desire sex under any realistic conditions, please take a look at asexuality.org Asexuality exists, there are some people who do not want sex ever. It like being gay, not something that can be changed.

OTOH, if you think that changes in his behavior would make you desire him, then you need to find a way to tell him - maybe through counseling.

If you have already told him and he is unwilling to change, then you have a very difficult decision, but many people would divorce in that situation .


Hello

I never post on online forums, so this is a first for me. I just need to get this off of my chest and maybe talk to people who have been in my situation and (hopefully) turned it around.

I have been married for 7 years. We are both in our early thirties. We haven’t had sex since June and this is the normal for us. I’m not happy and I know he’s not happy, but it just gets brushed under the rug for months at a time. We have two young kids (1 and 5) which takes up all of our time it seems.

My husband would definitely be up for having sex any time, but I am not. And though I say that, he has never been one to really initiate anything either, but has never rejected me. Other than the occasional suggesting that we do it he shows me no affection at all.

I actually shudder and feel sick when I think about having sex. I could cry because that’s how badly I don’t want to do it. I always tell myself I should just suck it up for him but I literally cannot bring myself to do it. I know I have a problem. I don’t know how to fix it. Part of my problem is that he regularly skips showering and brushing his teeth and hygiene is very important to me. I’ve said things to him on many occasions but it just doesn’t matter, nothing changes. I usually can’t get that out of my head and it’s a huge turn off.

We’ve been in marriage counseling before and it did help for a while but we are right back to square one.

Has anyone been in a sexless marriage - where they are the problem - and fixed it eventually? I can’t bare the thought of breaking up our family but also can’t bare the thought of living a love never being touched, kissed, or loved in that way ever again. Just looking for hope or advice.

Thanks for reading if you made it to the end 🙂
Yes I do think so, I’ve been asking for years for him to just show me a little more attention and affection. He says it’s just not who he is, his parents were never like that. I understand but it’s hard to accept because I feel undesired honestly.

I’m not asexual, I have been in previous relationships where I’ve enjoyed it and did it regularly. And I think about it a lot, I want it to be a part of my life...

I’m thinking our best shot here is to try counseling again. It’s been a few years and we Probably should have never stopped going.
 
#5 ·
Re: Sexless and it’s my fault (sort of)

Hello

We have two young kids (1 and 5) which takes up all of our time it seems.
Both of your problems can be solved - IF - at one time you desired and wanted sex with him. Those feelings can be regained by spending time ALONE with him. If he's ready for sex, go get one of those nice marital suites with the jacuzzi or in-room swimming pool. Get him into the tub and/or pool and give him a bath sensually.

If you never wanted sex with him, which is my strong suspicion.... there's nothing to regain. It was just never there in the first place. Your marriage is a dreadful mistake for both of you. In this case, the kids, the hygiene, etc....are all just excuses.

I suspect that because the marriage counseling didn't work.
 
#6 ·
If you were to hand him his toothbrush and a bar of soap, then tell him that you'll ring his bell as soon as he gets out of the shower, what would happen?

Which is the chicken and which is the egg? Did he stop caring about his hygiene after he discovered that it no longer made any difference in his sex life, or did you stop wanting him when you discovered that he was a little bit nasty all of the time?
 
#14 ·
Both of your problems can be solved - IF - at one time you desired and wanted sex with him. Those feelings can be regained by spending time ALONE with him. If he's ready for sex, go get one of those nice marital suites with the jacuzzi or in-room swimming pool. Get him into the tub and/or pool and give him a bath sensually.

If you never wanted sex with him, which is my strong suspicion.... there's nothing to regain. It was just never there in the first place. Your marriage is a dreadful mistake for both of you. In this case, the kids, the hygiene, etc....are all just excuses.

I suspect that because the marriage counseling didn't work.[/QUOTE]


There was a time when I did want sex with him, then things just started changing and to be honest I’m not 100% sure how we even got here. The hygiene issue has been bothering me for a long time, ever since we moved in together actually. It took me a long time to ask him to brush his teeth.



I think he would shower and brush his teeth if I told him that. I think the hygiene thing may have always been an issue because I discovered it shortly after we moved in together & it may have gotten a bit worse over time but it’s always been something that bothered me.

It's time for intervention, is there anyone he can turn too?
He doesn’t have many friends and he would NEVER talk to his family about it, he’s too proud . I know he can’t be happy either.
 
#7 ·
As difficult as it is, your problem is not the sexless marriage. That's a symptom.

Your problem is that you're married to someone that doesn't care about you and doesn't care about himself enough to actually take care of basic hygiene. My call would either be depression or just chronic laziness.

Don't focus on the sex. Focus on his behaviour. The sex will happen - maybe - if his behaviour changes.

And if it's too late for that, then it's too late for that. Your lack of attraction to someone that doesn't care about you and is actively disgusting is not your fault.[/QUOTE]

You’re right, I know it’s just the symptom of the troubles in our marriage. I have wondered about depression with him. We’ve discussed him seeking individual counseling because in general he’s not a very happy person. He said he would think about it , but has yet to call a doctor.
 
#11 ·
Re: Sexless and it’s my fault (sort of)

I actually shudder and feel sick when I think about having sex. I could cry because that’s how badly I don’t want to do it. I always tell myself I should just suck it up for him but I literally cannot bring myself to do it. I know I have a problem. I don’t know how to fix it.
....
You’re right, I know it’s just the symptom of the troubles in our marriage. I have wondered about depression with him. We’ve discussed him seeking individual counseling because in general he’s not a very happy person. He said he would think about it , but has yet to call a doctor.
He's not the only person possibly depressed here. If you're in a situation where you find sex with your husband repulsive, and your desire to stay in your marriage is because you have kids, well... if that isn't part of a recipe for depression, what is? I don't think this is all about him.

How did you meet? What was the attraction? What changed? Did you ever enjoy sex?
 
#16 ·
Well, your being here shows you want it will to here from others what could help. And you really don't know what to do. You know the answer. And it's not the one you were hoping for.

How many more wasted years are you going to stay you are repulsed by him because of his reasons of his lack of interest in you. And it isn't just going to happen and change.

Don't you deserve to be respected and love by what most people would call minimum requirements hygiene? And are repulsed l am with you and am repulsed by the thought of my woman doing the same.

You know what must be done because you have shown yourself to want nothing more than what others would. You attempted to talk and help him but he's not really that in to you. And because he's just a plain and filthy man ( literally).

Make this your last ditch effort to inform then start the process not as tool of fear, but as a way of sanity. And only you will if he's even capable of change, if he's not just divorce and leave.

You deserve sex and desires to have thoughts of gabbing your lover and any second to have a moment of lust and fulfilllment, and not having the thought nor smell of rotten potatoes.

That would kill anyone's desire. Like 5 yrs ago.
 
#23 ·
Re: Sexless and it’s my fault (sort of)

I think once the lack of hygiene problem is in your head, it never goes away... you will always be thinking about the garbage can, as Blondilocks very diplomatically puts it...
LOL! I have been accused of many transgressions over the years on this forum; but, being diplomatic is a first.:grin2: I think I'll archive this post for future reference.>:)
@TJW, you attributed a quote to me which actually belongs to In Absentia. I'll cop to the 'garbage can' descriptor.
 
#21 · (Edited)
Re: Sexless and it’s my fault (sort of)

Cucumbermelon said:
There was a time when I did want sex with him, then things just started changing
Blondilocks said:
you will always be thinking about the garbage can
So, there was a time when you didn't think about the garbage can. It's not that you didn't know about the garbage can. The garbage can was always there. But, you were CHOOSING to not think about the garbage can.

Instead, you were, whether known to you, or not, obeying a biblical principle which was eloquently asserted by Paul the Apostle (Phillippians 4:8 KJV)

Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.

You were, back then, "thinking on these things" and not the garbage can. You were thinking about how you wanted this terrific guy to be your forever wedded husband, and how you wanted to be intimate and loving with him. The garbage can didn't "go away" - but it "faded from view" .....

It's a CHOICE.... a choice which only you can make. You have other choices.

Behind door #2 is: I do not have control over my own thoughts. They just "happen"...

Behind door #3 is: The devil made me do it.....

Only door #1 has any RESULTS. Door #2, and Door #3, keep things just as they are.
 
#25 ·
Thank you all for taking the time to reply! You really have given me a lot to think about.

I’ve been sort of secretly telling myself for the past 6 months that 2020 is the last year I will spend this way. Life is TOO short and I know we both deserve better than this. I told him this today. We NEED counseling, or we might not make it.

I suspect he was always like this - with the lack of hygiene. Just hid it well when we were dating because he used to try to impress me, therefore would care whether or not he was showered before we saw each other. He doesn’t really care much about his personal appearance, doesn’t even own a brush. Cuts his hair maybe twice a year, never buys new clothes therefore wears ones that are old and too tight. It’s just completely the opposite of myself. I am always buying new outfits, shower daily, do my hair and makeup and go get my hair done every other month. I don’t want to expect too much but the basic hygiene is something I can’t look past.

I want to try and change but how can I get it out of my head?? I’m worried it’s always going to be an issue. Hoping marriage counseling can help with that.
 
#29 ·
Men respond to bluntness. We're not that emotionally "intelligent", so we don't pick up on nuance. We also tend to fall asleep in a relationship and set aside all the things that made us attractive mates to begin with.

Just flat out tell him what you said here.

Or, if you want to be more passive-aggressive, shoot him my Dead Bedroom Fix book: https://www.dadstartingover.com/the-dead-bedroom-fix
 
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#31 ·
Let's not give credence to the saying that men are dogs.

Lest anyone thinks pheromones translates to a petri dish teeming with bacteria - the answer is NO.

Her husband needs to acquire an interest in maintaining his hygiene for his health and personal pleasure. Regardless of whether he gets a cookie or not. Ringworm, swamp ass and gingivitis are not pleasant for the sufferer.
 
#35 ·
Hello

I never post on online forums, so this is a first for me. I just need to get this off of my chest and maybe talk to people who have been in my situation and (hopefully) turned it around.

I have been married for 7 years. We are both in our early thirties. We haven’t had sex since June and this is the normal for us. I’m not happy and I know he’s not happy, but it just gets brushed under the rug for months at a time. We have two young kids (1 and 5) which takes up all of our time it seems.

My husband would definitely be up for having sex any time, but I am not. And though I say that, he has never been one to really initiate anything either, but has never rejected me. Other than the occasional suggesting that we do it he shows me no affection at all.

I actually shudder and feel sick when I think about having sex. I could cry because that’s how badly I don’t want to do it. I always tell myself I should just suck it up for him but I literally cannot bring myself to do it. I know I have a problem. I don’t know how to fix it. Part of my problem is that he regularly skips showering and brushing his teeth and hygiene is very important to me. I’ve said things to him on many occasions but it just doesn’t matter, nothing changes. I usually can’t get that out of my head and it’s a huge turn off.

We’ve been in marriage counseling before and it did help for a while but we are right back to square one.

Has anyone been in a sexless marriage - where they are the problem - and fixed it eventually? I can’t bare the thought of breaking up our family but also can’t bare the thought of living a love never being touched, kissed, or loved in that way ever again. Just looking for hope or advice.

Thanks for reading if you made it to the end 🙂
Do you feel any respect or love for him?
I respect him as he is a good father and I love him, but it feels like we are just roommates. That spark is not there anymore on my end. It’s terrible, I wish it weren’t true.
 
#36 ·
Re: Sexless and it’s my fault (sort of)

I respect him as he is a good father and I love him, but it feels like we are just roommates. That spark is not there anymore on my end. It’s terrible, I wish it weren’t true.
Sorry you are feeling this way.

I will say that I have experienced similar phases with Mrs. Conan over the course of almost three decades but his crappy hygiene needs to go.
 
#43 ·
Re: Sexless and it’s my fault (sort of)

We haven’t had sex since June and this is the normal for us.
My husband would definitely be up for having sex any time, but I am not.
Adelais said:
is he using up his sex drive with fantasy women, ie. porn?
I don't advocate, condone, praise, or use porn. But, I think it is quite natural for someone to seek it for release in the absence of a normal marital sex life.

Many guys consider it "the lesser of evils", I don't subscribe to that self-justification, but I understand where someone may get that idea.
 
#44 ·
Re: Sexless and it’s my fault (sort of)

I don't advocate, condone, praise, or use porn. But, I think it is quite natural for someone to seek it for release in the absence of a normal marital sex life.

Many guys consider it "the lesser of evils", I don't subscribe to that self-justification, but I understand where someone may get that idea.
I understand the temptation as well. While I believe it is morally wrong, my reason for asking the OP if her husband is using porn wasn't because of moral reasons. I asked because she said that he doesn't seem to pursue her very hard for sex. He is meek in his pursuits. If he is getting it somewhere else (porn), that may be his reason for not pursuing her more aggressively and frequently.

If he showers, brushes his teeth and stops using porn (if he is using it) her sex issues would be solved. If he is just meek, and he showers and brushes his teeth, she might be more motivated to take the initiative to pursue him more aggressively and frequently.
 
#45 ·
I think your husband hasn't been respectful or loyal to your marriage.

In many posts here on TAM many talk about how no one should put up with infidelity, yet other destructive problems are forced to be fixed or the person should be given second or third chances.

If my husband didn't care about his hygiene, I would feel cheated. If my husband showed no interest in being intimate with me I would feel cheated. Finding out my husband was looking at Craiglist personal ads it would make me feel cheated.

If you feel your husband is not 100% committed to you or the marriage why staying with him then?

I understand in a marriage husbands and wives are together in sickness and in health, but one thing is dealing with a problem out of your control and another is when a person is capable of changing negative behaviors. If your husband has mental health issues, then he's going to need support finding help but it's up to him to follow the advice and treatment. You can support him, but he needs to be responsible of his own treatment. He's responsible of his own hygiene. He's not your child.

I really admire your patience and endurance, but what are you going to do about it? Have you asked your husband to take showers more often? How direct have you been with him?

Like I said, you can talk and be supportive of your husband but it's his choice if he wants to change, and it's your choice to stay with him or not.

I won't blame you if you decide to leave, though.
 
#46 ·
I have been direct with him. I said to him countless times “you need to shower every day” he works a strenuous job, so it’s not like he goes and sits in an office all day, he gets sweaty. I’ve also said “I hate having to ask my husband when the last time he showered is, I feel like your mother”. Its bad when you never know when the last time he brushed his teeth was. Ugh. I forced him to go to the dentist about a year ago and he said she had to use a heavy duty tool to crack all of the Tatar off his teeth🤢 he has a permanent retainer in, and at one point he couldn’t even feel or see it anymore due to the plaque and tartar build up on it. I feel so bad sharing this, I’ve never told anybody out of fear of embarrassing him. Also I don’t want my friends and family to know these things. I feel like they’d definitely judge.

Calling a counselor tomorrow ....
Not just for us, but for me too. I need help sorting through how I’m feeling.
 
#49 ·
His parents paid for braces on his teeth and a permanent retainer and this is how he treats them? I know his orthodontist explained how very important it is for him to take special care with brushing and flossing to protect his teeth because the wire will trap bacteria and plaque builds up.

He could wind up having to have crowns put on those teeth and another retainer. I don't know where you live, but in California you'd be looking at about $8,000 for 4 teeth. And, if he has to get implants - about $25,000.

If he doesn't care about hygiene, maybe he'll care about his
wallet.

At some point, your kids are going to say "Daddy, you stink!" and knowing kids it will be at a most inopportune time.

eta: Trust me, your friends and family know he stinks. They probably think you've lost your sense of smell.
 
#50 ·
Re: Sexless and it’s my fault (sort of)

I actually shudder and feel sick when I think about having sex. I could cry because that’s how badly I don’t want to do it.
There must be days when he does shower and clean up, yet the above is how you feel on all days. This is on you.

I've been on the other side of this and it is awful.

Maybe this has something to do with why he is depressed.

You may think its going ok, but it is not, you better make changes quickly.

Go see a counselor that focuses on this type of thing specifically.
 
#56 ·
Seriously? So are you saying men in their 30s who aren't "getting any" have no reason to bother with personal hygiene?? Okay. I'd like to hear from other men on this forum about how the only reason in life and society to take a shower and brush your teeth is if you are having regular sex in your life. Gross. Crossing fingers that I never run across a sexless man in an elevator or in close quarters because it sounds really gross if none of them are going to be brushing their teeth or showering.

Really, I know kids in elementary school who don't even know what sex is who brush their teeth and want to take a shower or bath because having ****ing crusty teeth and a stinking body is disgusting.
 
#53 ·
Hey @Cucumbermelon, I’ve just read your initial post and haven’t seen any of the replies yet, so my advice may already have been given. For what it’s worth, here are my 2 cents:

You guys have a sexless marriage, and for some reason, you think it’s mostly your fault. However, you’re married to an unhygienic man, and you’ve told him how much this bothers you, to no avail. Have you actually sat him down and said, “not showering and not brushing your teeth grosses me out, and I have a really hard time getting past that to pleasure you. If you would like to be part of a marriage with an active sex life, please start showering and brushing your teeth regularly.”? Maybe he truly doesn’t understand how much this bothers you…?

When I was married, it was to a man with atrocious breath. He was clean, and brushed twice a day, but he had post nasal drip which made his breath smell like rubber. To boot, he was a mouth breather, and it disgusted me to the point of gagging. So, I get it, and would feel the same way that you feel.

I would talk to him openly and calmly, and then see where things go from there. It would have to be a permanent change though, and he would have to understand that. If he’s in his 30s, this really shouldn’t be a problem to begin with though.
 
#63 ·
I actually shudder and feel sick when I think about having sex. I could cry because that’s how badly I don’t want to do it.
There must be days when he does shower and clean up, yet the above is how you feel on all days. This is on you.

I've been on the other side of this and it is awful.

Maybe this has something to do with why he is depressed.

You may think its going ok, but it is not, you better make changes quickly.

Go see a counselor that focuses on this type of thing specifically.
Yes, you’re right a large part of this is on me. I don’t think I said otherwise. I’m just saying that the hygiene is a huge turn off. Also, when we do have sex it’s SO predictable and BORING. Not enjoyable at all for me. And yes I have asked him to do different things in the bedroom but he’s not interested.


Maybe if you gave him more sex, he would take more showers? Have you considered the poor fellow has no reason to bother with personal hygiene, since he can't get any?
Hmm. Could be the reason but I highly doubt it. Either way it’s not an excuse to not be a clean person.
 
#65 ·
Re: Sexless and it’s my fault (sort of)

Yes, you’re right a large part of this is on me. I don’t think I said otherwise. I’m just saying that the hygiene is a huge turn off. Also, when we do have sex it’s SO predictable and BORING. Not enjoyable at all for me. And yes I have asked him to do different things in the bedroom but he’s not interested.
I sort of thought the hygiene thing was a little bit of a red herring here. Not that it's unimportant, but it's not really the major issue here, is it? I mean, you could get him to clean up and come to bed, but then it would just be boring and predictable.
 
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#68 ·
Yeah, how many of you men have a wife that hasn't brushed her teeth in who knows how long and has a permanent retainer which she's not able to find due to plaque and tartar build up?

Also, how many of you have a wife who has a physical job and doesn't shower every day?

I'm sorry but the husband has a big hygiene issue (sounds like a mental health issue) that has nothing to do with boredom or missmatch libido.

If the guy can't even pick up a tooth brush, or take a shower frequently, do you think he is going to put any effort at having sex? That's why the poor wife is bored!!

But, I think OP is lucky because can you imagine, on top of not being clean him expecting to be intimate with her every day?

There's no way I can kiss, much less have sex with Oscar the grouch! No gracias!
 
#69 ·
Not clear to me whether the poor hygiene is the cause or the reaction.

When my wife and I were not getting along, I worked late every night. Whether the work was urgent or not. I wanted to minimize our interaction, so I stayed away until it was time to pick up one of the kids from a team practice or activity. That way I walked into the house with one or both kids and I could pretend that her warm welcome for them included me.

So if someone had suggested that, for us to have more sex, I needed to be home more, they would have been correct. But the causation was in the opposite direction. She had a hostile attitude toward me as her way of dissuading me from making sexual advances. And I stayed away to reduce the negativity. Now that we aren't having any sex at all, so she does not feel threatened, she treats me very nicely. And I am motivated to get home earlier. Correlation does not necessarily imply causation.

Maybe her husband is using poor hygiene as a passive-aggressive way of eliminating sex from their relationship. Or eliminating his feeling inadequate when they have sex. This way he tells himself the lack of sex is her fault for turning him down rather than his fault for being lousy in bed.
 
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