Sexless and it’s my fault (sort of) - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 75 (permalink) Old 01-09-2020, 04:39 PM Thread Starter
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Sexless and it’s my fault (sort of)

Hello

I never post on online forums, so this is a first for me. I just need to get this off of my chest and maybe talk to people who have been in my situation and (hopefully) turned it around.

I have been married for 7 years. We are both in our early thirties. We haven’t had sex since June and this is the normal for us. I’m not happy and I know he’s not happy, but it just gets brushed under the rug for months at a time. We have two young kids (1 and 5) which takes up all of our time it seems.

My husband would definitely be up for having sex any time, but I am not. And though I say that, he has never been one to really initiate anything either, but has never rejected me. Other than the occasional suggesting that we do it he shows me no affection at all.

I actually shudder and feel sick when I think about having sex. I could cry because that’s how badly I don’t want to do it. I always tell myself I should just suck it up for him but I literally cannot bring myself to do it. I know I have a problem. I don’t know how to fix it. Part of my problem is that he regularly skips showering and brushing his teeth and hygiene is very important to me. I’ve said things to him on many occasions but it just doesn’t matter, nothing changes. I usually can’t get that out of my head and it’s a huge turn off.

We’ve been in marriage counseling before and it did help for a while but we are right back to square one.

Has anyone been in a sexless marriage - where they are the problem - and fixed it eventually? I can’t bare the thought of breaking up our family but also can’t bare the thought of living a love never being touched, kissed, or loved in that way ever again. Just looking for hope or advice.

Thanks for reading if you made it to the end 🙂
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post #2 of 75 (permalink) Old 01-09-2020, 04:55 PM
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Re: Sexless and itís my fault (sort of)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cucumbermelon View Post
Hello

I never post on online forums, so this is a first for me. I just need to get this off of my chest and maybe talk to people who have been in my situation and (hopefully) turned it around.

I have been married for 7 years. We are both in our early thirties. We havenít had sex since June and this is the normal for us. Iím not happy and I know heís not happy, but it just gets brushed under the rug for months at a time. We have two young kids (1 and 5) which takes up all of our time it seems.

My husband would definitely be up for having sex any time, but I am not. And though I say that, he has never been one to really initiate anything either, but has never rejected me. Other than the occasional suggesting that we do it he shows me no affection at all.

I actually shudder and feel sick when I think about having sex. I could cry because thatís how badly I donít want to do it. I always tell myself I should just suck it up for him but I literally cannot bring myself to do it. I know I have a problem. I donít know how to fix it. Part of my problem is that he regularly skips showering and brushing his teeth and hygiene is very important to me. Iíve said things to him on many occasions but it just doesnít matter, nothing changes. I usually canít get that out of my head and itís a huge turn off.

Weíve been in marriage counseling before and it did help for a while but we are right back to square one.

Has anyone been in a sexless marriage - where they are the problem - and fixed it eventually? I canít bare the thought of breaking up our family but also canít bare the thought of living a love never being touched, kissed, or loved in that way ever again. Just looking for hope or advice.

Thanks for reading if you made it to the end 🙂
As difficult as it is, your problem is not the sexless marriage. That's a symptom.

Your problem is that you're married to someone that doesn't care about you and doesn't care about himself enough to actually take care of basic hygiene. My call would either be depression or just chronic laziness.

Don't focus on the sex. Focus on his behaviour. The sex will happen - maybe - if his behaviour changes.

And if it's too late for that, then it's too late for that. Your lack of attraction to someone that doesn't care about you and is actively disgusting is not your fault.
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post #3 of 75 (permalink) Old 01-09-2020, 05:06 PM
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Re: Sexless and itís my fault (sort of)

You really need to figure out what is going on.

You know that at some point even the weakest man will leave this type of marriage.

But at the same time why do you want to stay in the marriage? He basically repulses you so get out and find someone new...
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post #4 of 75 (permalink) Old 01-09-2020, 05:27 PM
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Re: Sexless and itís my fault (sort of)

A few questions:

If he fixed his hygiene and was more attentive to you, do you think you would desire sex? Have you been in relationships before where you desired sex?

If (being completely honest with yourself) you don't think you would desire sex under any realistic conditions, please take a look at asexuality.org Asexuality exists, there are some people who do not want sex ever. It like being gay, not something that can be changed.

OTOH, if you think that changes in his behavior would make you desire him, then you need to find a way to tell him - maybe through counseling.

If you have already told him and he is unwilling to change, then you have a very difficult decision, but many people would divorce in that situation .


Quote:
Originally Posted by Cucumbermelon View Post
Hello

I never post on online forums, so this is a first for me. I just need to get this off of my chest and maybe talk to people who have been in my situation and (hopefully) turned it around.

I have been married for 7 years. We are both in our early thirties. We havenít had sex since June and this is the normal for us. Iím not happy and I know heís not happy, but it just gets brushed under the rug for months at a time. We have two young kids (1 and 5) which takes up all of our time it seems.

My husband would definitely be up for having sex any time, but I am not. And though I say that, he has never been one to really initiate anything either, but has never rejected me. Other than the occasional suggesting that we do it he shows me no affection at all.

I actually shudder and feel sick when I think about having sex. I could cry because thatís how badly I donít want to do it. I always tell myself I should just suck it up for him but I literally cannot bring myself to do it. I know I have a problem. I donít know how to fix it. Part of my problem is that he regularly skips showering and brushing his teeth and hygiene is very important to me. Iíve said things to him on many occasions but it just doesnít matter, nothing changes. I usually canít get that out of my head and itís a huge turn off.

Weíve been in marriage counseling before and it did help for a while but we are right back to square one.

Has anyone been in a sexless marriage - where they are the problem - and fixed it eventually? I canít bare the thought of breaking up our family but also canít bare the thought of living a love never being touched, kissed, or loved in that way ever again. Just looking for hope or advice.

Thanks for reading if you made it to the end 🙂
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post #5 of 75 (permalink) Old 01-09-2020, 05:51 PM
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Re: Sexless and itís my fault (sort of)

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Originally Posted by Cucumbermelon View Post
Hello

We have two young kids (1 and 5) which takes up all of our time it seems.
Both of your problems can be solved - IF - at one time you desired and wanted sex with him. Those feelings can be regained by spending time ALONE with him. If he's ready for sex, go get one of those nice marital suites with the jacuzzi or in-room swimming pool. Get him into the tub and/or pool and give him a bath sensually.

If you never wanted sex with him, which is my strong suspicion.... there's nothing to regain. It was just never there in the first place. Your marriage is a dreadful mistake for both of you. In this case, the kids, the hygiene, etc....are all just excuses.

I suspect that because the marriage counseling didn't work.
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post #6 of 75 (permalink) Old 01-09-2020, 06:09 PM
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Re: Sexless and it’s my fault (sort of)

If you were to hand him his toothbrush and a bar of soap, then tell him that you'll ring his bell as soon as he gets out of the shower, what would happen?

Which is the chicken and which is the egg? Did he stop caring about his hygiene after he discovered that it no longer made any difference in his sex life, or did you stop wanting him when you discovered that he was a little bit nasty all of the time?
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post #7 of 75 (permalink) Old 01-09-2020, 06:22 PM Thread Starter
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As difficult as it is, your problem is not the sexless marriage. That's a symptom.

Your problem is that you're married to someone that doesn't care about you and doesn't care about himself enough to actually take care of basic hygiene. My call would either be depression or just chronic laziness.

Don't focus on the sex. Focus on his behaviour. The sex will happen - maybe - if his behaviour changes.

And if it's too late for that, then it's too late for that. Your lack of attraction to someone that doesn't care about you and is actively disgusting is not your fault.[/QUOTE]

You’re right, I know it’s just the symptom of the troubles in our marriage. I have wondered about depression with him. We’ve discussed him seeking individual counseling because in general he’s not a very happy person. He said he would think about it , but has yet to call a doctor.
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post #8 of 75 (permalink) Old 01-09-2020, 06:24 PM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BluesPower View Post
You really need to figure out what is going on.

You know that at some point even the weakest man will leave this type of marriage.

But at the same time why do you want to stay in the marriage? He basically repulses you so get out and find someone new...
I want to stay in this marriage because we have children and a life together. I don’t want to break up our family if I can help it. I feel terrible.
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post #9 of 75 (permalink) Old 01-09-2020, 06:31 PM
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Re: Sexless and it’s my fault (sort of)

It's time for intervention, is there anyone he can turn too?

If your not the object of your lovers heart, then your just an object.
If you think the grass is greener on the otherside it's not, what you see are the weeds.
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post #10 of 75 (permalink) Old 01-09-2020, 07:40 PM
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Re: Sexless and itís my fault (sort of)

Quote:
Originally Posted by BluesPower View Post
You really need to figure out what is going on.

You know that at some point even the weakest man will leave this type of marriage.

But at the same time why do you want to stay in the marriage? He basically repulses you so get out and find someone new...
The man is too lazy to shower and brush his teeth - do you really see him filing for divorce? That takes effort.

And, no other woman is going to want to bed a garbage can, either. Well, I take that back - Swat's wife did. Eeeeewwwwwww!

I could give up chocolate but I'm not a quitter.
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post #11 of 75 (permalink) Old 01-09-2020, 08:05 PM
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Re: Sexless and itís my fault (sort of)

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Originally Posted by Cucumbermelon View Post
I actually shudder and feel sick when I think about having sex. I could cry because thatís how badly I donít want to do it. I always tell myself I should just suck it up for him but I literally cannot bring myself to do it. I know I have a problem. I donít know how to fix it.
....
Youíre right, I know itís just the symptom of the troubles in our marriage. I have wondered about depression with him. Weíve discussed him seeking individual counseling because in general heís not a very happy person. He said he would think about it , but has yet to call a doctor.
He's not the only person possibly depressed here. If you're in a situation where you find sex with your husband repulsive, and your desire to stay in your marriage is because you have kids, well... if that isn't part of a recipe for depression, what is? I don't think this is all about him.

How did you meet? What was the attraction? What changed? Did you ever enjoy sex?
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post #12 of 75 (permalink) Old 01-09-2020, 08:08 PM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by uhtred View Post
A few questions:

If he fixed his hygiene and was more attentive to you, do you think you would desire sex? Have you been in relationships before where you desired sex?

If (being completely honest with yourself) you don't think you would desire sex under any realistic conditions, please take a look at asexuality.org Asexuality exists, there are some people who do not want sex ever. It like being gay, not something that can be changed.

OTOH, if you think that changes in his behavior would make you desire him, then you need to find a way to tell him - maybe through counseling.

If you have already told him and he is unwilling to change, then you have a very difficult decision, but many people would divorce in that situation .


Quote:
Originally Posted by Cucumbermelon View Post
Hello

I never post on online forums, so this is a first for me. I just need to get this off of my chest and maybe talk to people who have been in my situation and (hopefully) turned it around.

I have been married for 7 years. We are both in our early thirties. We haven’t had sex since June and this is the normal for us. I’m not happy and I know he’s not happy, but it just gets brushed under the rug for months at a time. We have two young kids (1 and 5) which takes up all of our time it seems.

My husband would definitely be up for having sex any time, but I am not. And though I say that, he has never been one to really initiate anything either, but has never rejected me. Other than the occasional suggesting that we do it he shows me no affection at all.

I actually shudder and feel sick when I think about having sex. I could cry because that’s how badly I don’t want to do it. I always tell myself I should just suck it up for him but I literally cannot bring myself to do it. I know I have a problem. I don’t know how to fix it. Part of my problem is that he regularly skips showering and brushing his teeth and hygiene is very important to me. I’ve said things to him on many occasions but it just doesn’t matter, nothing changes. I usually can’t get that out of my head and it’s a huge turn off.

We’ve been in marriage counseling before and it did help for a while but we are right back to square one.

Has anyone been in a sexless marriage - where they are the problem - and fixed it eventually? I can’t bare the thought of breaking up our family but also can’t bare the thought of living a love never being touched, kissed, or loved in that way ever again. Just looking for hope or advice.

Thanks for reading if you made it to the end 🙂
Yes I do think so, I’ve been asking for years for him to just show me a little more attention and affection. He says it’s just not who he is, his parents were never like that. I understand but it’s hard to accept because I feel undesired honestly.

I’m not asexual, I have been in previous relationships where I’ve enjoyed it and did it regularly. And I think about it a lot, I want it to be a part of my life...

I’m thinking our best shot here is to try counseling again. It’s been a few years and we Probably should have never stopped going.
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post #13 of 75 (permalink) Old 01-09-2020, 08:09 PM
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Re: Sexless and itís my fault (sort of)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cucumbermelon View Post
Youíre right, I know itís just the symptom of the troubles in our marriage. I have wondered about depression with him. Weíve discussed him seeking individual counseling because in general heís not a very happy person. He said he would think about it , but has yet to call a doctor.
If he's truly depressed, then he might not be able to call the doctor for himself. It can sap you of the will to do anything but exist. You might have to make the call, and take him there yourself. A badly depressed person won't be able to take that initiative.
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post #14 of 75 (permalink) Old 01-09-2020, 08:17 PM Thread Starter
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Both of your problems can be solved - IF - at one time you desired and wanted sex with him. Those feelings can be regained by spending time ALONE with him. If he's ready for sex, go get one of those nice marital suites with the jacuzzi or in-room swimming pool. Get him into the tub and/or pool and give him a bath sensually.

If you never wanted sex with him, which is my strong suspicion.... there's nothing to regain. It was just never there in the first place. Your marriage is a dreadful mistake for both of you. In this case, the kids, the hygiene, etc....are all just excuses.

I suspect that because the marriage counseling didn't work.[/QUOTE]


There was a time when I did want sex with him, then things just started changing and to be honest I’m not 100% sure how we even got here. The hygiene issue has been bothering me for a long time, ever since we moved in together actually. It took me a long time to ask him to brush his teeth.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cletus View Post
If you were to hand him his toothbrush and a bar of soap, then tell him that you'll ring his bell as soon as he gets out of the shower, what would happen?

Which is the chicken and which is the egg? Did he stop caring about his hygiene after he discovered that it no longer made any difference in his sex life, or did you stop wanting him when you discovered that he was a little bit nasty all of the time?
I think he would shower and brush his teeth if I told him that. I think the hygiene thing may have always been an issue because I discovered it shortly after we moved in together & it may have gotten a bit worse over time but it’s always been something that bothered me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tilted 1 View Post
It's time for intervention, is there anyone he can turn too?
He doesn’t have many friends and he would NEVER talk to his family about it, he’s too proud . I know he can’t be happy either.
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post #15 of 75 (permalink) Old 01-10-2020, 08:15 AM
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Re: Sexless and itís my fault (sort of)

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Originally Posted by Cucumbermelon View Post
I want to stay in this marriage because we have children and a life together.
To paraphrase One so far wiser and greater than me..... verily, verily I say unto you, you have your reward....

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cucumbermelon View Post
I think he would shower and brush his teeth if I told him that.
I'm not a gambler, nor the son of a gambler, but if I was, I would wager that you're 100% correct.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cucumbermelon View Post
I can’t bare the thought of breaking up our family but also can’t bare the thought of living a love never being touched, kissed, or loved in that way ever again.
I believe you. I also believe you are looking for hope or advice. I am now going to give you both hope, and advice.

Your problem is that you have your PRIORITIES out of order. Your priority is "family". Being touched, kissed and loved is in second rank. It's a "but also".

Now, I am going to make a radical statement. You can SOLVE this problem. And, you can solve this problem ALONE, with no help from your husband. Please don't get me wrong, I fully get it. His lack of personal hygiene is contributing to the problem, and not to the solution. But, I'm not talking to him, he isn't here. Neither you, nor I, can change him. I cannot change you, only YOU can.

This is my advice, and it is truly simple advice:

Husband FIRST. Family SECOND.

Hope FIRST. Advice SECOND.

Ownership FIRST. "(sort of)" to be eliminated.

Touched and kissed FIRST. "Breaking up" - "but also"....
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