Just some thoughts - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

User Tag List

 103Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #1 of 94 (permalink) Old 01-13-2020, 04:38 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Currently; the planet earth.
Posts: 181
Just some thoughts

Thanks to some comments by @notmyjamie I have decided to post some of the thoughts I have had recently about my marriage. Over the last few months I have learned quite a bit about my wife's sexuality. The most important thing is something that I already knew, but for some reason we have been able to paper over it for the last 6+ years. That is: sexual intimacy is not very important to her and she will put in the least amount of energy possible to have a 'decent' sex life. This is why I mentioned to notmyjamie: "I hate feeling like she is just going through the motions for me. It sucks all of the joy out of it." In the last few weeks I have come to think of it as the emotional equivalent of 'star fish sex'.

To give an example of what I mean. I might mention to my wife; 'I really like seeing you in that sexy lingerie'. Her response is: 'just let me know when you want me to wear it. I'm willing'. We have actually developed into a dom/sub relationship, but it is not because I want to be dominant per say and she does not enjoy being submissive. We have this relationship because anything else would require more from her.

To be fair; in the last few months I have come to understand her much better and she does not see the need to put in more effort. I have come to understand that for her everything is about sexual intercourse (penetration). The build up and foreplay have essentially no role in her sexuality, she is completely focused on the finish. If I ask point blank, do you enjoy the touching or kissing or whatever she will say 'yes'. If I ask if she 'wants' those things, the response is 'I know they mean a lot to you'. Even in her fantasizing these things don't play a role. When she is imagining things; the man and woman both want it and go at it. Nothing else needed. I asked about how the cloths come off and the response was; 'they just disappear, or magically move out of the way'. In my mind, I am thinking; there are about 15 fun ways to removing the clothing.

I have read that men emotionally connect through sex and that has always seemed to be the situation for me. In the last few weeks I have noticed that has changed. As I have come to understand her more I am finding that the emotional connection is not happening because we are not sharing intimacy (as I see it) we are just screwing. There have been a few times recently that after we are done I have the thought; 'this is what a one night stand must feel like. I really don't care if she is in my bed or anything about her, there is just no connection'. The lack of emotional connection is bothering me to the point that I avoided intimacy with my wife this last week and I know that I can easily avoid it again this week.

I am not sure what I want to do from here.

I am not really looking for advice. I am mostly just writing down some of my recent thoughts in a way that helps me organize them.
leftfield is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #2 of 94 (permalink) Old 01-13-2020, 06:34 PM
Member
 
arbitrator's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Central Texas/Brazos Valley
Posts: 16,021
Cool Re: Just some thoughts

Well written, Sir!

Maybe when I was a tad more sophomoric, in my academic days, sex was foremostly the end all to everything ~ which in and of itself, seems so unilateral, one-sided, and totally self-serving!

Experience in living and rationalizing one's feelings, along with doing the very same of the one's whom you love, revere, and display empathetic feelings takes precedence, greatly to the point that one learns the axiom that while receiving is nice, that giving in love is just far more nicer!

Perhaps this is conjecture for fantasyland, but over the due passage of time, that is exactly how I feel!

My heart goes out to you, @leftfield ~
I know of what you speak!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story!
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
arbitrator is offline  
post #3 of 94 (permalink) Old 01-13-2020, 06:41 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 2,134
How old are you both? How long have you been together? Has she always been like this?
Livvie is online now  
post #4 of 94 (permalink) Old 01-13-2020, 06:54 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Currently; the planet earth.
Posts: 181
Re: Just some thoughts

Since I am just randomly spewing out thoughts, I'm just going to keep going.

I don't believe it is possible for me to go back and unknow what I currently know so going back to the way things were is out. So that leaves me with several choices that I don't really like.

1. I can bring this up and try and work on it. Ultimately we are two very different people when it comes to this and I don't see a workable option going forward. My wife already thinks I over thinks things, so bringing this up introduces secondary issues.
2. I can try the 'fake it tell you make it' option and keep things how they have been for several years, I just keep my feelings to myself.
3. We can decide to shut down our sex life and essentially have a sexless marriage unless one of use decides we need to get off. This would cause some rather drastic changes to our overall relationship, but on the plus side this is the option that most fits her sexually.
4. We can divorce and look for a better sexual connection in a new relationship. The biggest challenge to this is that she will promise almost anything to avoid it. She seems to think other men will not connect with her either.
5. Some other option that I am not seeing right now.

None of those are appealing to me. The kindest one for my wife would be the second one.

Last edited by leftfield; 01-14-2020 at 11:48 AM.
leftfield is offline  
post #5 of 94 (permalink) Old 01-13-2020, 06:58 PM
Member
 
arbitrator's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Central Texas/Brazos Valley
Posts: 16,021
Cool Re: Just some thoughts

Have the two of you ever given thought to considering marital or sexual counseling?

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story!
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
arbitrator is offline  
post #6 of 94 (permalink) Old 01-13-2020, 07:06 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Currently; the planet earth.
Posts: 181
Re: Just some thoughts

Quote:
Originally Posted by Livvie View Post
How old are you both? How long have you been together? Has she always been like this?
I'm mid 40's she is early 40's. We just celebrated our 19 anniversary. As far as I know, this is who she is. It has taken her a long, long time to open up to me sexually.
leftfield is offline  
post #7 of 94 (permalink) Old 01-13-2020, 07:06 PM
Member
 
ConanHub's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Abroad. Mid to eastern U.S.
Posts: 12,311
Re: Just some thoughts

Realistic sex doll? I didn't know it was legal to marry one?
ConanHub is offline  
post #8 of 94 (permalink) Old 01-13-2020, 07:14 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Currently; the planet earth.
Posts: 181
Re: Just some thoughts

Quote:
Originally Posted by arbitrator View Post
Have the two of you ever given thought to considering marital or sexual counseling?
Yes, when I have wanted to do it she has been uninterested. When she has decided that it would be good, I find it pointless. Neither of us have ever brought it up when the other would agree to it.

Counselors often spend much of their time and effort trying to help the two understand each other. (You know the whole woman are from Venus men are from Mars idea) In this case, I think that we both are communicating very clearly and we do understand each other. I am doubtful that counseling is what we need at this time.
leftfield is offline  
post #9 of 94 (permalink) Old 01-13-2020, 07:14 PM
Member
 
Marduk's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 17,610
Re: Just some thoughts

Quote:
Originally Posted by leftfield View Post
Since I am just randomly spewing out thoughts, I'm just going to keep going.

I don't believe it is possible for me to go back and unknow what I currently know so going back to the way things were is out. So that leaves me with several choices that I don't really like.

1. I can bring this up and try and work on it. Ultimately we are two very different people when it comes to this and I don't see a workable option going forward. My wife already thinks I over thinks things, so bringing this up introduces secondary issues.
2. I can try the 'fake it tell you make it' option and keep things how they have been for several years, I just keep my feelings to myself.
3. We can decide to shut down our sex life and essentially have a sexless marriage unless one of use decides we need to get off. This would cause some rather drastic changes to our overall relationship, but on the plus side this is the option that most fits her sexually.
4. We can divorce and look for a better sexual connection in a new relationship. The biggest challenge to this is that she will promise almost anything to avoid it. She seems to think other men will not connect with her either.
5. Some other option that I am not seeing right now.

None of those are appealing to me. The kindest one for my wife would be the second one. How the heck did I end up here.
Before you get to options, I’d recommend being clear about two things:

1. What precisely is your problem?

2. How badly to you want to solve it?
Marduk is offline  
post #10 of 94 (permalink) Old 01-13-2020, 07:23 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Currently; the planet earth.
Posts: 181
Re: Just some thoughts

Quote:
Originally Posted by Marduk View Post
Before you get to options, I’d recommend being clear about two things:

1. What precisely is your problem?

2. How badly to you want to solve it?
The problem, for me, is that sexual intimacy (not just screwing) is one of the main ways that I emotionally connect. My wife will go through the motions, but there is nothing there on her part. Knowing this destroys the ability to connect through sexual intimacy.

The second question is a lot more complicated. To keep it short; I think I'm looking to accept it for what it is and not solve it.
leftfield is offline  
post #11 of 94 (permalink) Old 01-13-2020, 07:25 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Currently; the planet earth.
Posts: 181
Re: Just some thoughts

Quote:
Originally Posted by ConanHub View Post
Realistic sex doll? I didn't know it was legal to marry one?
You win my LOL for the day.
leftfield is offline  
post #12 of 94 (permalink) Old 01-13-2020, 07:32 PM
Member
 
Marduk's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 17,610
Re: Just some thoughts

Quote:
Originally Posted by leftfield View Post
The problem, for me, is that sexual intimacy (not just screwing) is one of the main ways that I emotionally connect. My wife will go through the motions, but there is nothing there on her part. Knowing this destroys the ability to connect through sexual intimacy.
Hang on. You are trying to solve for emotional intimacy with sex? Isnít the problem then a lack of emotional intimacy and not sex then?

Quote:
The second question is a lot more complicated. To keep it short; I think I'm looking to accept it for what it is and not solve it.
Not really an answer. Maybe on a scale of 1-5, with 5 being the most important thing in your life and 1 being something that just irritates you, where would it be?

If it were possible to improve your emotional connection with your wife in ways that had nothing at all to do with sex, would that hit the mark with you?
Marduk is offline  
post #13 of 94 (permalink) Old 01-13-2020, 07:50 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: West Coast USA
Posts: 1,192
Re: Just some thoughts

Let's turn this inside-out. What's in it for your wife? What does she enjoy, being married to you? What does she think you bring to the table? Why will she promise anything to avoid divorce?

Let's get to here "promising anything" gig. She'll promise anything but? She quickly reverts? Is there a "Groundhog Day" aspect to her where it gets frustrating because the same things, the same promises, occur over and over and over again, lasting a short while before she goes back to her old ways?

Why is it impossible to enforce accountability? Is this an issue with you as well? You mentioned that marriage counseling won't work because at any one time either one of you will nix the idea. Why are you inconsistent in seeing the need?

What about a sex therapist instead? I have no experience in this area, but maybe there's a connection that can be found with a bit of work.

And then there's the elephant in the closet. Some of us here are just amazed that you have a partner who's very willing to have sex with you, with the apparent issue being a lack of desire or passion. And we're surprised that you're projecting forward to a sexless marriage when it seems like you're so much better off than some of us, that you've got something you can work with. And that you've come to this epiphany at a young-enough age to matter.

Just some rambling thoughts from a troubled guy...
Casual Observer is offline  
post #14 of 94 (permalink) Old 01-13-2020, 08:01 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Currently; the planet earth.
Posts: 181
Re: Just some thoughts

Quote:
Originally Posted by Marduk View Post
Hang on. You are trying to solve for emotional intimacy with sex? Isnít the problem then a lack of emotional intimacy and not sex then?

I have a premonition that you and I are going to end up talking in circles about this. Sex is not the issue and I am not trying to solve something with sex. Being able to share sexual intimacy (this does not even need to include intercourse. Physical intimacy might be a better term) with my partner is very important to me and my ability to connect with her.

Not really an answer. Maybe on a scale of 1-5, with 5 being the most important thing in your life and 1 being something that just irritates you, where would it be?

If it were possible to improve your emotional connection with your wife in ways that had nothing at all to do with sex, would that hit the mark with you?
It is greater than 1. Having said that, the only person on this planet that I have any control over is myself. Therefor I am looking for ways within myself to make this a 1 or less. That might include me changing or that might include me taking some action, I don't know yet. This is not the answer you are looking for. I will tell you that behind my faith in god, my relationship with my wife is the most important thing in the world to me (maybe that is what I need to change).

My wife and I are able to emotionally connect through other things. Those things do not replace sexual (physical) intimacy. If it helps to make things clear my love languages are quality time and physical touch. Sexual (Physical) intimacy hits both of those in one thing. I can connect with my wife with out physical touch.
leftfield is offline  
post #15 of 94 (permalink) Old 01-14-2020, 07:21 AM
Member
 
notmyjamie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2019
Location: United States
Posts: 1,579
Re: Just some thoughts

So, outside of sex, is there any physical touch happening? Does she hold your hand, rub your back as you walk by, keep her hand on your leg as you're driving, that sort of thing? Are you doing any of those things? If not, start...lead by example. She may learn she likes and start reciprocating without realizing she's doing it. I do those things all the time and a lot of the time I don't even realize I'm doing it. As she gets more and more used to those types of touches, touching during sex might become a more natural thing for her.

Just an idea.
notmyjamie is online now  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in










Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome