Not feeling sexy - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 11 (permalink) Old 02-14-2020, 01:52 AM Thread Starter
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Not feeling sexy

We’ve been together for 5 years. We have sex every other day sometimes every day. He initiates it all the time. No four play. Just “let’s have sex” he has never gone down on me or fingered me. When I have brought that up he said he figured I had a hang up with it cause I never asked. I know he watches porn and that has been a big self confidence thing for me. I’ve asked him to stop, he claims he has but he hasn’t. Knowing he watches it Makes me feel less sexy, and less inclined to initiate sex at all anymore. I feel like he’s comparing me to those porn stars. I’ve tried to bring it up and he denies it. He doesn’t masterbate to it cause like I said we have sex all the time. He watches it at work to kill time I guess. We argue a lot about our sex life. The main argument is that I don’t initiate sex but complain about how Unsexual he initiates it. But I don’t initiate it cause I don’t feel sexy or desired because Of his lack or four play. So it’s a cycle. I think about doing sexy stuff but then I just feel dumb. Like I’m not going to be good at it. Then I get mad that there’s an expectation for me to be sexy and alluring and he’s never done anything of that sort. It’s literally ruining our marriage.
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post #2 of 11 (permalink) Old 02-14-2020, 08:09 AM
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Re: Not feeling sexy

I see he may have a porn issue, he watches these and see's the actor's come on to the poor unsuspecting man. And before you know it she's overwhelmed's him. And then watches the man in him take over and gives the woman a sexual experience she won't ever forget.

What a kind of person does this? He's mixed acting as a reality that stimulates him. I see that he's lazy as a lover, and expects you to know that this is what you do to have a active and fulfilling sex life because it's what he's into.

Equals= his unmet expectations, which will continue because this is how he thinks life is. He needs to stop porn as what he thinks real life is. And you not being his pornstar wife, upsets him. He needs help you can't give him a counselor or sex therapist, he sounds like he's really into roll playing.

But if because you may want to try this, that is up to you and not guaranteed you a blissful harmonious life together. But if you were to try it and had some success I think it would only ratchet up his next fantasy.

I think caring for his lover (you) needs to come from him. But it will require work on his part, and fun real world sex and love making with you. Is something he will need to participate.

If your not the object of your lovers heart, then your just an object.
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post #3 of 11 (permalink) Old 02-14-2020, 08:37 AM
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Some of us guys are clueless at times. Communication is where I suggest you start.
Pick a good time to tell him exactly what you want and expect in a non threatening, nice positive way
It should be that easy.
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post #4 of 11 (permalink) Old 02-14-2020, 08:41 AM
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Re: Not feeling sexy

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Originally Posted by Mrcqiw83 View Post
Weíve been together for 5 years. We have sex every other day sometimes every day. He initiates it all the time. No four play. Just ďletís have sexĒ he has never gone down on me or fingered me. When I have brought that up he said he figured I had a hang up with it cause I never asked. I know he watches porn and that has been a big self confidence thing for me. Iíve asked him to stop, he claims he has but he hasnít. Knowing he watches it Makes me feel less sexy, and less inclined to initiate sex at all anymore. I feel like heís comparing me to those porn stars. Iíve tried to bring it up and he denies it. He doesnít masterbate to it cause like I said we have sex all the time. He watches it at work to kill time I guess. We argue a lot about our sex life. The main argument is that I donít initiate sex but complain about how Unsexual he initiates it. But I donít initiate it cause I donít feel sexy or desired because Of his lack or four play. So itís a cycle. I think about doing sexy stuff but then I just feel dumb. Like Iím not going to be good at it. Then I get mad that thereís an expectation for me to be sexy and alluring and heís never done anything of that sort. Itís literally ruining our marriage.
Then...break the cycle. Try it for a week or two, what have you got to lose?

Is your husband the type of man who would laugh in your face and his boner would wilt if your ''sexy stuff'' came off a little dorky or clumsily (at first), or would he appreciate the effort and bang you a little harder than usual? You know him better than we do.

Your post is full of self-induced helplessness and despair....are you intentionally self-sabotaging?

This seems so fixable, but I'm no Tony Robbins, so despite my efforts at motivating you with words it's up to you for action.

If I may suggest. Next time it gets close to intimacy, hand him a jar of coconut oil and whisper in his ear that you want a five minute vagina massage. See what happens, give him a chance to ''rise'' to the occasion.
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post #5 of 11 (permalink) Old 02-14-2020, 10:36 AM
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Re: Not feeling sexy

Has he always been like this?

If you can talk to him, maybe see if he is happy to do what you like if you do what he likes Its possible you have both just fallen into a bad mode of interaction.

Its also possible he is just a bad selfish lover.

I agree with OnTheFly, try for two weeks of doing what what he likes ,but being sure to let him know what you like. See if things improve. It not, then you will have your answer to the above and can decide what you want to do about it.
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post #6 of 11 (permalink) Old 02-14-2020, 01:40 PM
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Re: Not feeling sexy

Mrc, he's practicing the technique of masterbatis in vaganis. Don't bother trying to find it in any sex improvement manual. Honestly, I don't understand how both men and women are willing to sacrifice so much to stay with someone who offers so little. If you can ever get away from this guy, and the ghost of him that hangs around to haunt you a few month after he's gone, you'll have an opportunity to replace him. I wish I could tell you how to make a thoroughbred out of a plug horse, but I can't. You're either going to have to upgrade your man or downgrade your expectations. Chances of you turning him into a legendary lover of women is nil.

"The facts have never mattered less than they do today. We're living in a time where the truth has been so diminished in value, even those at the top of government (and the media) are quite comfortable with the truth being whatever they can convince people to believe",
Raymond Reddington.
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post #7 of 11 (permalink) Old 02-14-2020, 02:52 PM
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Re: Not feeling sexy

Here's a line you can use, "I'm not ready." Then you can tell him that you want to do some exploration to see what each of you enjoys. You don't have to act sexy. I think that's self defeating thinking. The idea is to get to know each other and each other's bodies in a loving, connected manner as lovers, not as ___ buddies.

You are right that his porn habits are wrecking your sex life and your marriage.


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post #8 of 11 (permalink) Old 02-14-2020, 04:58 PM
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Re: Not feeling sexy

It's perfectly normal and best to do; tell him you want him to do this/that as you desire, and be confident as you do things you yourself want to try.

It's all good and he'll give in when you give directions.

And the best thing about sex is every encounter Is fun practice.

Don't worry about trying what you want. It will be good. No worries.
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post #9 of 11 (permalink) Old 02-14-2020, 06:21 PM
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Re: Not feeling sexy

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Originally Posted by Mrcqiw83 View Post
Weíve been together for 5 years. We have sex every other day sometimes every day. He initiates it all the time. No four play. Just ďletís have sexĒ he has never gone down on me or fingered me. When I have brought that up he said he figured I had a hang up with it cause I never asked. I know he watches porn and that has been a big self confidence thing for me. Iíve asked him to stop, he claims he has but he hasnít. Knowing he watches it Makes me feel less sexy, and less inclined to initiate sex at all anymore. I feel like heís comparing me to those porn stars. Iíve tried to bring it up and he denies it. He doesnít masterbate to it cause like I said we have sex all the time. He watches it at work to kill time I guess. We argue a lot about our sex life. The main argument is that I donít initiate sex but complain about how Unsexual he initiates it. But I donít initiate it cause I donít feel sexy or desired because Of his lack or four play. So itís a cycle. I think about doing sexy stuff but then I just feel dumb. Like Iím not going to be good at it. Then I get mad that thereís an expectation for me to be sexy and alluring and heís never done anything of that sort. Itís literally ruining our marriage.
You really need to learn how to talk to your H about sex. You two sound like perfect examples of what a Sex Therapist could turn around with some Sensate focus exercises.

As others have said you should do some initiation. If you don't feel comfortable doing that, spend some time doing affirmations that you are a sexual woman, you deserve a good sex life, you husband enjoys your body, you have has the courage and confidence to initiate sex. Affirmations like self hypnosis can do wonders.

Even if you don't feel sexy, after 5+ years you probably know what your H likes and finds sexy. If he like breasts, wear something that shows your cleavage. If he like stockings, there you go. Maybe some sexy underwear or nighties. Look him in the eye and tell him that you love him. Then hug him. Tell him how much he means to you and how proud you are of him. Then tell him that you want to try initiating sex, but in a way that involves foreplay and slow sensual arousal. Ask him if he has any deep dark fantasies that the two of you might role play with just each other. Who knows you might enjoy it.

Remember that your H's biggest sex organ is between his ears and not between his legs, so take control of his mind.

Good luck, and if he is open to a few sessions with a marriage counselor who is a sex therapist, that your really help if you are too shy to talk to him about sex.
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post #10 of 11 (permalink) Old 02-15-2020, 10:13 AM
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Not feeling sexy

OP I am 100% just like you. I am too in my head and sometimes I feel super confident and other times I feel so disgusting. Wearing lingerie and putting in a ďshowĒ, the thought of that makes me so uncomfortable.

I think that the problem with us is us. We have low self esteem and low confidence. Itís not our partners job to fix us. But there are things your partner can do that make things better and worse for you, and you need to recognize these and talk to him about it. Your partner is not making you feel unsexy, it is not his fault. Your partner is making you feel what you think you already ďknowĒ. If that makes sense.
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post #11 of 11 (permalink) Old 02-16-2020, 09:35 AM
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Re: Not feeling sexy

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Originally Posted by Lake life View Post
Some of us guys are clueless at times..
That's not being 'clueless.'

It's pure selfishness. The OP says she HAS mentioned that he doesn't do foreplay and he gave her some moronic excuse about thinking she had a 'hang up' about it so he doesn't do it. I guess even after hearing how she doesn't have a hang up, it didn't change his SELFISH outlook, now did it?

Why on earth the OP continually indulges this selfish ass-hole in this one-sided ****-show on an every other day or daily basis is a mystery to me. I wouldn't waste one more second on this troglodyte.

Once you start seeing your worth, you'll find it harder to stay around people who don't.
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