What's on your mind - Part 2 - Page 184 - Talk About Marriage
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post #2746 of 3446 (permalink) Old 10-10-2019, 11:16 AM
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Re: What's on your mind - Part 2

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Same here. I have some extremely personal questions I've had for a very long time. When I've been here long enough to understand who the good posters are, I may float them. A few years ago, I tried asking them in another forum. The responses were judgmental and certainly not helpful. ("Just get over it!") Being older, I recognize that there are not a lot of people my age in any forum. Some issues transcend age barriers, some do not. I have some hang ups that a person my age shouldn't have.

I'm still reading Not Just Friends and am finally getting answers to some questions I've had for years. Since I'm not done with it yet, I may find more answers. At some level, I'm somewhat resolved that I will probably never get the answers I want. When I have enough posts to participate in the Private Forum, I'll likely take a shot there.

The discussions here have been better than any other forum I've read.
There is (was?) a TAM saying/adage that ďthe good ones eventually float to the bottomĒ.

That, and last time there was an age poll I was surprised that TAMers were older on average than I thought.





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post #2747 of 3446 (permalink) Old 10-10-2019, 09:59 PM
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Re: What's on your mind - Part 2

Person A: "just move on. There's lots of good people out there who will treat you right."

Person B: "my husband sneezed funny the other day"

Person A: "get your VAR, check you phone bill, check their phone, check everything. You cant trust anyone!"

Person B: "I was just saying he has a cold.."

Person A: "I wouldn't trust them as far as i could throw them! Why haven't you done what I told you? Did you check anything? Clearly they are cheating!"

Person B: "yeah I think I'll go somewhere else for a while. This place seems a little unhinged"

Person A: "we'll be here when you get back and are finally ready to take our advice"

If my devils are to leave me, I'm afraid my angels will take flight as well.
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post #2748 of 3446 (permalink) Old 10-11-2019, 07:18 AM
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Person A: "just move on. There's lots of good people out there who will treat you right."
I think people who say this (usually married people with no idea what the current dating climate looks like) want to give hope.

Imagine how much more depressing it would be to hear "learn to be alone. Move on understanding that you will most likely never meet another Mr/Ms. Right" while dealing with infidelity or staring down the barrel of an unwanted divorce?
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post #2749 of 3446 (permalink) Old 10-11-2019, 08:19 AM
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Re: What's on your mind - Part 2

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I think people who say this (usually married people with no idea what the current dating climate looks like) want to give hope.

Imagine how much more depressing it would be to hear "learn to be alone. Move on understanding that you will most likely never meet another Mr/Ms. Right" while dealing with infidelity or staring down the barrel of an unwanted divorce?
Ugh!

Nah. Too depressing. Just lie to me and give me hope!

Truthfully however, I have almost always been ok with being alone. I wasn't looking for anyone when I met Mrs. C and I probably wouldn't be looking if something ever happened to her and I found myself single at or near the half century mark.
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post #2750 of 3446 (permalink) Old 10-11-2019, 09:36 AM
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Re: What's on your mind - Part 2

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I think people who say this (usually married people with no idea what the current dating climate looks like) want to give hope.

Imagine how much more depressing it would be to hear "learn to be alone. Move on understanding that you will most likely never meet another Mr/Ms. Right" while dealing with infidelity or staring down the barrel of an unwanted divorce?
I think they are being honest. 7.5 billion people on the planet. Shoot, if things went sour, just on this site alone there's quite a few people I wouldn't hesitate having a go at. Not that anyone here would feel that way about me in a million years haha

But there's loads of people on this planet. The commitment and trust issues now fall on those who've been hurt. Attempting to date before working all that out will only lead to frustration. Like there's nobody out there for them. Well, yeah there's no unicorns waiting out there to wash away all that pain and instantly thwart your (general your) trust and commitment issues. So if you're waiting on a miracle its not gonna happen.

The problem with married folks who've been married a long time is they aren't being honest about "Mr and Mrs right" as if their entire history together suddenly was erased from their memory. They weren't that in the beginning. They worked through many issues over a decade or two. Now 20 years later they tell everyone about "Mr and Mrs right" being out there. Um, no. Its just other people out there. People with their own hang ups and issues and red flags. Growing together is the journey.

The only destination in life is death. Other than that its all about the journey. If you're dating looking for a destination, you will never find it. There's probably somewhere around 500,000,000 people at least out there that would journey through heaven and hell with you if you open up that lap bar on the roller coaster for them. I picture a lot of single people keeping the lap bar down and asking others to hop in for a ride, and others are going "can you lift that lap bar so I can sit with you?" And they get a "nope. If you want me, you will find a way to work around all that and hang on some other way through this ride" and nobody is going for that. Or its two people with their lap bars down looking at each other waiting for somebody to lift that bar and neither do. To scared to try. Then they just take off on their separate tracks.

If my devils are to leave me, I'm afraid my angels will take flight as well.
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post #2751 of 3446 (permalink) Old 10-11-2019, 12:25 PM
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I think they are being honest. 7.5 billion people on the planet. Shoot, if things went sour, just on this site alone there's quite a few people I wouldn't hesitate having a go at. Not that anyone here would feel that way about me in a million years haha <a href="https://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/TAMarriage_2015/smilies/tango_face_smile_big.png" border="0" alt="" title="Laugh" >:-)</a>

But there's loads of people on this planet. The commitment and trust issues now fall on those who've been hurt. Attempting to date before working all that out will only lead to frustration. Like there's nobody out there for them. Well, yeah there's no unicorns waiting out there to wash away all that pain and instantly thwart your (general your) trust and commitment issues. So if you're waiting on a miracle its not gonna happen.

The problem with married folks who've been married a long time is they aren't being honest about "Mr and Mrs right" as if their entire history together suddenly was erased from their memory. They weren't that in the beginning. They worked through many issues over a decade or two. Now 20 years later they tell everyone about "Mr and Mrs right" being out there. Um, no. Its just other people out there. People with their own hang ups and issues and red flags. Growing together is the journey.

The only destination in life is death. Other than that its all about the journey. If you're dating looking for a destination, you will never find it. There's probably somewhere around 500,000,000 people at least out there that would journey through heaven and hell with you if you open up that lap bar on the roller coaster for them. I picture a lot of single people keeping the lap bar down and asking others to hop in for a ride, and others are going "can you lift that lap bar so I can sit with you?" And they get a "nope. If you want me, you will find a way to work around all that and hang on some other way through this ride" and nobody is going for that. Or its two people with their lap bars down looking at each other waiting for somebody to lift that bar and neither do. To scared to try. Then they just take off on their separate tracks.
You kind of proved my point @TheDudeLebowski. You're married, happily for the most part. You see "the other side" through a glass half full set of glasses. The reality is very, very different for the reasons you describe.

No one walks away from a relationship without scars and those scars are permanent. Trying to find a person you're willing to put up with, and who is willing to put up with you is almost impossible.

Many, many people who have been through a traumatic event such as divorce have learned from their mistakes. They are very aware of the things they do and don't want when looking for people to date.

For me, I feel like "growing" together is fine as long as we're on the path There is too much risk involved now that I'm older and have responsibilities that go well beyond me to try to grow together with someone with hangups, issues, and red flags that are not compatible to mine. And I know I'm not alone in my thinking. That's why I said that the appropriate response is "learn to be alone. The likelihood of finding Mr/Ms Right is low".

I do think it's wonderful that you have so much hope.
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post #2752 of 3446 (permalink) Old 10-11-2019, 12:29 PM
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Re: What's on your mind - Part 2

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Uh oh. Hope youíre ok.



I think I read that you are in your 20ís right? Is the guy in question in his 20ís?



Iím going to skip over to the singles thread and post a song for you that I hope you will laugh with...the way you worded your post made me think of it.



Spill if ya want, sweetie! What did he do?


Iím okay.. thanks for asking!!

Right Iím in my mid 20s, and heís 31.

We *were* in an exclusive non-committed relationship and he ghosted me because I refuse to see him on Saturdays which I think is ridiculous!!
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post #2753 of 3446 (permalink) Old 10-11-2019, 12:30 PM
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Re: What's on your mind - Part 2

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Oh boy ... I wish I could tell you it gets better with age.


Ugh luckily I donít see myself ever being in a relationship. Thank God!
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post #2754 of 3446 (permalink) Old 10-11-2019, 12:33 PM
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Re: What's on your mind - Part 2

Is this sexual? Like FWB?

I've not heard of it before.

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Iím okay.. thanks for asking!!

Right Iím in my mid 20s, and heís 31.

We *were* in an exclusive non-committed relationship and he ghosted me because I refuse to see him on Saturdays which I think is ridiculous!!
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post #2755 of 3446 (permalink) Old 10-11-2019, 12:38 PM
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Re: What's on your mind - Part 2

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You kind of proved my point @TheDudeLebowski. You're married, happily for the most part. You see "the other side" through a glass half full set of glasses. The reality is very, very different for the reasons you describe.

No one walks away from a relationship without scars and those scars are permanent. Trying to find a person you're willing to put up with, and who is willing to put up with you is almost impossible.

Many, many people who have been through a traumatic event such as divorce have learned from their mistakes. They are very aware of the things they do and don't want when looking for people to date.

For me, I feel like "growing" together is fine as long as we're on the path There is too much risk involved now that I'm older and have responsibilities that go well beyond me to try to grow together with someone with hangups, issues, and red flags that are not compatible to mine. And I know I'm not alone in my thinking. That's why I said that the appropriate response is "learn to be alone. The likelihood of finding Mr/Ms Right is low".

I do think it's wonderful that you have so much hope.
Hope is a worthless emotion. I dont have hope. I think people sitting around praying for a miracle are the ones with hope. Not me. Either make it happen or dont. Hope is worthless.


If my devils are to leave me, I'm afraid my angels will take flight as well.
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post #2756 of 3446 (permalink) Old 10-11-2019, 01:21 PM
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Re: What's on your mind - Part 2

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Iím okay.. thanks for asking!!

Right Iím in my mid 20s, and heís 31.

We *were* in an exclusive non-committed relationship and he ghosted me because I refuse to see him on Saturdays which I think is ridiculous!!
Apparently it wasn't ridiculous to him. To him it was a deal breaker. And that's okay.


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post #2757 of 3446 (permalink) Old 10-11-2019, 01:30 PM
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Re: What's on your mind - Part 2

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And that's okay.

I agree as long as one is an adult and says so. Itís rude to ignore someoneís message.
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post #2758 of 3446 (permalink) Old 10-11-2019, 01:31 PM
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Re: What's on your mind - Part 2

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Is this sexual? Like FWB?



I've not heard of it before.


Kind of.... minus the friend portion. We were never friends (at least on my end).
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post #2759 of 3446 (permalink) Old 10-11-2019, 01:32 PM
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Re: What's on your mind - Part 2

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Hope is a worthless emotion. I dont have hope. I think people sitting around praying for a miracle are the ones with hope. Not me. Either make it happen or dont. Hope is worthless.
On that we agree!
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post #2760 of 3446 (permalink) Old 10-11-2019, 01:41 PM
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Re: What's on your mind - Part 2

And this is why I am loyal to a fault when it comes to the people who provide me with good service.....

I have been going to the same eyebrow person now for 7 years. I had an appointment today but for reasons beyond either of our control, had to be cancelled. She doesn't have another availability for weeks. I have a singles event I am going to on Monday night. My girlfriend recommended her eyebrow lady who was available today. I asked this new lady to just "clean up" my eyebrows. She waxed them pencil thin and one eyebrow is thinner than the other. I actually started crying at the salon. It has taken me YEARS to get my eyebrows where they look good and natural. It's going to take me forever to get them back to where they were. I am so pissed at myself. I have canceled my reservation for the event Monday. This blows.
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