What's on your mind - Part 2 - Page 186 - Talk About Marriage
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post #2776 of 3446 (permalink) Old 10-11-2019, 06:36 PM
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Re: What's on your mind - Part 2

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Alright so hope is out. What replaces it? Trust. You can trust things will always go bad or you can trust they will work out. Law of attraction. Weather or not that is placebo doesn't matter, because it works.
Acceptance for the truth replaces hope. Ideally, Patience follows soon thereafter. Trust? Hmmm, that one is earned in my book.

Law of Attraction does not prevent bad things from happening; those happen all of the time even to good people. However, Law of Attraction does keep people from getting stuck or dwelling on the bad things that have happened.

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post #2777 of 3446 (permalink) Old 10-11-2019, 07:20 PM
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Re: What's on your mind - Part 2

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You kind of proved my point @TheDudeLebowski. You're married, happily for the most part. You see "the other side" through a glass half full set of glasses. The reality is very, very different for the reasons you describe.

No one walks away from a relationship without scars and those scars are permanent. Trying to find a person you're willing to put up with, and who is willing to put up with you is almost impossible.

Many, many people who have been through a traumatic event such as divorce have learned from their mistakes. They are very aware of the things they do and don't want when looking for people to date.

For me, I feel like "growing" together is fine as long as we're on the path There is too much risk involved now that I'm older and have responsibilities that go well beyond me to try to grow together with someone with hangups, issues, and red flags that are not compatible to mine. And I know I'm not alone in my thinking. That's why I said that the appropriate response is "learn to be alone. The likelihood of finding Mr/Ms Right is low".

I do think it's wonderful that you have so much hope.
It drives me nuts when I read or hear the "move on you'll find someone better" speech. It's just not that easy and it's not like you've got a huge pool of available candidates to pick from. There is probably a perfect match for me in yugoslavia or some far off land whom I'll never meet, great. Most of the people give the find better speech have no clue.

I tell people to buy a dog.......

Tomorrow is the most important thing in life. Comes into us at midnight very clean. It's perfect when it arrives and it puts itself in our hands. It hopes we've learned something from yesterday
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post #2778 of 3446 (permalink) Old 10-11-2019, 07:31 PM
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Re: What's on your mind - Part 2

Being alone is still better than being in a bad relationship! Of course I don't mean just normal ups and downs and a "bad day" or a bad time in a relationship that will pass. But if you can't be yourself, if you are chronically unhappy, if you are being cheated on, abused or disrespected, lied to, etc. then being alone is better than that.

Learning to be emotionally self sufficient by having enough self esteem to be alone (single) and happy has been the best lesson of my life. I don't ever again want to depend on what anyone else thinks of me in order to feel good about myself. I don't want to be dependent on someone else's love or be doomed to suffer immense emotional pain just because they aren't there anymore at some point.

Not every moment is a happy one when I'm alone. But that's on me. No one else. It's up to me to provide my own happiness. Until I can do that, I don't even want to consider trying to make anyone else happy.
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post #2779 of 3446 (permalink) Old 10-11-2019, 07:32 PM
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Re: What's on your mind - Part 2

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It drives me nuts when I read or hear the "move on you'll find someone better" speech. It's just not that easy and it's not like you've got a huge pool of available candidates to pick from. There is probably a perfect match for me in yugoslavia or some far off land whom I'll never meet, great. Most of the people give the find better speech have no clue.
Drives me crazy as well. There are no guarantees. But I do think the people who say "you'll find someone better" are well meaning. It's their form of encouragement, at least that's how I take it. They genuinely want us to be happy.

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I tell people to buy a dog!.......
My baby girl passed away in April. I have been thinking a lot about getting another dog. Maybe it'll be my Christmas gift to myself.
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post #2780 of 3446 (permalink) Old 10-11-2019, 08:00 PM
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Re: What's on your mind - Part 2

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Drives me crazy as well. There are no guarantees. But I do think the people who say "you'll find someone better" are well meaning. It's their form of encouragement, at least that's how I take it. They genuinely want us to be happy.



My baby girl passed away in April. I have been thinking a lot about getting another dog. Maybe it'll be my Christmas gift to myself.
Sorry about your baby, youve waited long enough.......get a dog!

My old girl is well over 16 and has some issues. I'm kind of surprised she made the summer. I spent way too much time puppy shopping this summer and every time I found exactly what I was looking for I couldn't pull the trigger. I give myself a guilt trip about buying the replacement while she's still around.

Tomorrow is the most important thing in life. Comes into us at midnight very clean. It's perfect when it arrives and it puts itself in our hands. It hopes we've learned something from yesterday
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post #2781 of 3446 (permalink) Old 10-11-2019, 08:14 PM
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Re: What's on your mind - Part 2

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Sorry about your baby, youve waited long enough.......get a dog!

My old girl is well over 16 and has some issues. I'm kind of surprised she made the summer. I spent way too much time puppy shopping this summer and every time I found exactly what I was looking for I couldn't pull the trigger. I give myself a guilt trip about buying the replacement while she's still around.
Wow 16!! Mine was 14 but was having really bad seizures and not eating right. I had to put her down which I have never had to do any other pet in my life. It was traumatizing. I had her cremated and put her ashes in a little picture box by my tv in the family room. Even in death she brings me comfort.

I know what you mean about the guilt trip though. I vote you hold off. Your old girl is hanging on for a reason.
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post #2782 of 3446 (permalink) Old 10-11-2019, 08:24 PM
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Re: What's on your mind - Part 2

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Hope is a worthless emotion. I dont have hope. I think people sitting around praying for a miracle are the ones with hope. Not me. Either make it happen or dont. Hope is worthless.
You sound like my husband, 'Hope is not a plan!'

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post #2783 of 3446 (permalink) Old 10-11-2019, 08:54 PM
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Re: What's on your mind - Part 2

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Wow 16!! Mine was 14 but was having really bad seizures and not eating right. I had to put her down which I have never had to do any other pet in my life. It was traumatizing. I had her cremated and put her ashes in a little picture box by my tv in the family room. Even in death she brings me comfort.

I know what you mean about the guilt trip though. I vote you hold off. Your old girl is hanging on for a reason.
I lost her sister to kidney failure at 14+, I had her put down but the vet figured she only had a day or two left anyway at that point. Ive had to make that trip a few times to the vet in my life unfortunately. She was the clown and my old girl was the worker dog. Ive had all mine cremated over the years and have them with me. This is my first hunting season in 30+ years I haven't had a dog working out in front of me and it's no where near the same. I love watching the dogs work a field.

Tomorrow is the most important thing in life. Comes into us at midnight very clean. It's perfect when it arrives and it puts itself in our hands. It hopes we've learned something from yesterday
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post #2784 of 3446 (permalink) Old 10-11-2019, 10:02 PM
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Re: What's on your mind - Part 2

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You sound like my husband, 'Hope is not a plan!'
Hope is fear based. It's either a selfish or fearful emotion. That's the only place it comes from. Hope and despair are basically Jekyll and Hyde, two sides of the same emotion. All fear based.

If my devils are to leave me, I'm afraid my angels will take flight as well.
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post #2785 of 3446 (permalink) Old 10-12-2019, 01:38 AM
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Re: What's on your mind - Part 2

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Hope is fear based. It's either a selfish or fearful emotion. That's the only place it comes from. Hope and despair are basically Jekyll and Hyde, two sides of the same emotion. All fear based.
What! I don't agree with this at all. Hope of optimistic, not fearful.



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post #2786 of 3446 (permalink) Old 10-12-2019, 01:59 AM
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Re: What's on your mind - Part 2

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What! I don't agree with this at all. Hope of optimistic, not fearful.
Think about every time you've thought to yourself or uttered the words "I hope" where is that coming from?

"I hope it doesn't rain tomorrow" selfish
"I hope you like it" fear/insecurity
"I hope things will change" fear/apathy
"I hope I'm right" fear/insecurity
"Hope keeps me going" locked in fear which leads to apathy.


Next time you feel yourself about to say "I hope..." Think about what emotion you are experiencing in that moment and where your hope is coming from. There's your homework assignment.

What is the opposite of hope? Not despair, it's trust. With trust in yourself, trust in others, and trust in where you're going, you won't need hope because you wont be living in fear.

If my devils are to leave me, I'm afraid my angels will take flight as well.
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post #2787 of 3446 (permalink) Old 10-12-2019, 02:11 AM
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Re: What's on your mind - Part 2

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Being alone is still better than being in a bad relationship! Of course I don't mean just normal ups and downs and a "bad day" or a bad time in a relationship that will pass. But if you can't be yourself, if you are chronically unhappy, if you are being cheated on, abused or disrespected, lied to, etc. then being alone is better than that.

Learning to be emotionally self sufficient by having enough self esteem to be alone (single) and happy has been the best lesson of my life. I don't ever again want to depend on what anyone else thinks of me in order to feel good about myself. I don't want to be dependent on someone else's love or be doomed to suffer immense emotional pain just because they aren't there anymore at some point.

Not every moment is a happy one when I'm alone. But that's on me. No one else. It's up to me to provide my own happiness. Until I can do that, I don't even want to consider trying to make anyone else happy.

Agree with all of this until that last line. Just as its nobody else's job to make you happy, its not your job to make anyone else happy. Further, you can't control what you make another person feel. So you can say you don't want to consider trying, but being yourself around others will make many of them happy. That last line feels like...

"we built ourselves a pillar we just used it as a crutch"

If my devils are to leave me, I'm afraid my angels will take flight as well.
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post #2788 of 3446 (permalink) Old 10-12-2019, 02:24 AM
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Re: What's on your mind - Part 2

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It drives me nuts when I read or hear the "move on you'll find someone better" speech. It's just not that easy and it's not like you've got a huge pool of available candidates to pick from. There is probably a perfect match for me in yugoslavia or some far off land whom I'll never meet, great. Most of the people give the find better speech have no clue.

I tell people to buy a dog.......
Nothing worth a chit comes easy. If it is something you really want, you will find it.

The "you will find better" speech is to get people out of their fear. Terrified of the unknown, they stay locked into a toxic mess of a relationship. Too scared to move. People have a clue when they give that speech. The clue is you're terrified, living in constant fear. So... You can find someone better than that. Even if its not "perfect"

There's no perfect match, because you aren't perfect and neither is anyone else.

If my devils are to leave me, I'm afraid my angels will take flight as well.
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post #2789 of 3446 (permalink) Old 10-12-2019, 03:51 AM
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Re: What's on your mind - Part 2

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Think about every time you've thought to yourself or uttered the words "I hope" where is that coming from?

"I hope it doesn't rain tomorrow" selfish
"I hope you like it" fear/insecurity
"I hope things will change" fear/apathy
"I hope I'm right" fear/insecurity
"Hope keeps me going" locked in fear which leads to apathy.


Next time you feel yourself about to say "I hope..." Think about what emotion you are experiencing in that moment and where your hope is coming from. There's your homework assignment.

What is the opposite of hope? Not despair, it's trust. With trust in yourself, trust in others, and trust in where you're going, you won't need hope because you wont be living in fear.
I hope my 16 year old daughter reaches her 18th birthday, yet I certainly don't trust that she will.
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post #2790 of 3446 (permalink) Old 10-12-2019, 04:39 AM
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Re: What's on your mind - Part 2

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Originally Posted by TheDudeLebowski View Post
Think about every time you've thought to yourself or uttered the words "I hope" where is that coming from?

"I hope it doesn't rain tomorrow" selfish
"I hope you like it" fear/insecurity
"I hope things will change" fear/apathy
"I hope I'm right" fear/insecurity
"Hope keeps me going" locked in fear which leads to apathy.


Next time you feel yourself about to say "I hope..." Think about what emotion you are experiencing in that moment and where your hope is coming from. There's your homework assignment.

What is the opposite of hope? Not despair, it's trust. With trust in yourself, trust in others, and trust in where you're going, you won't need hope because you wont be living in fear.
5:58 am one Tuesday in a city in France I had to turn the subway system back on after being reprogramming for seventy two hours straight through.
All was going through my mind was “I hope this ****ing works”.
It did. 🥳

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