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post #31 of 36 (permalink) Old 08-12-2018, 02:13 PM
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To give and nitpick should have been to HOVER and nitpick lol

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post #32 of 36 (permalink) Old 08-12-2018, 02:20 PM
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Re: Wanted: Angst and Conflict

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Do you need some disquiet and rivalry in your life to find motivation to complete goals and/or feel alive?
You know, at first I thought you were thinking of someone who doesn't have enough drama in their life, so they "make up some drama" to feel the adrenaline. But I don't think that's what you're asking.

I think you are asking if we...* I * ...need some sort of goal, objective, end, or aim in order to be motivated to do my best. As an example, do I do my best work when I have nine things to do, nine hours, and no time to around? Or does the pressure and stress "get to me" and make the me less productive?

I freely admit I have ADD and I can be easily distracted if I don't discipline my mind. Thus, for me if I have nine things to do and nine hours, I excel. At those times, I seriously get **** done! However, in no way would I want to live like that all the time--that kind of motivational stress feels like a punch in the gut to me. I prefer the peaceful life.

On the other side of that coin, when I have too much "free time" I can wander too easily. Thus, in times that are less stressful...less urgent...I very much tend to be a creature of habit. I still rise early, make my bed first thing, walk early, write a letter, get to work at a set time, and schedule my day for my own self so that I stay on track. I still act a little like * I * am micro-managing myself. I don't feel the angst/conflict (and thus don't feel the punch in the gut) but I don't get too distracted either.

I am a big walker. I aim for 10,000 steps a day which is about 5 miles, and in order to motivate myself to meet that goal, I sign up for 5k races. Now, I do NOT run! LOL But I tell 'em up front I walk, I pay the fee, I show up and walk, and I earn the t-shirt. When I don't have a 5k coming up, I tend to be less "motivated" because I don't feel like I'm training. When I do have one coming up, I tend to be more disciplined, because in truth I am a little competitive and sporty. I have no desire to "win" but I do have a desire to compete!

Finally, if you REALLY want to motivate me and have me follow you around like a puppy forever, words of admiration. I take criticism okay, and I can and do listen and apply it to myself, but boy it hurts far more than I ever show. Criticism is like Anti-Admiration to me, and although I know it's usually said to help me be a better person, it hits my heart every time. On the other hand, Admiration is like angel music in my ears. I already don't think all that highly of myself--I work on that constantly--but if someone else says something, boy that rings in my ears like a bell all day and I feel like dancing. So if you want me to work for you day and night until the job is perfect, tell me what I'm doing right. Notice something I did that you just loved, and tell me. Yep words of admiration motivate me!


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post #33 of 36 (permalink) Old 08-12-2018, 03:04 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wanted: Angst and Conflict

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Originally Posted by Affaircare View Post
You know, at first I thought you were thinking of someone who doesn't have enough drama in their life, so they "make up some drama" to feel the adrenaline. But I don't think that's what you're asking.

I think you are asking if we...* I * ...need some sort of goal, objective, end, or aim in order to be motivated to do my best. As an example, do I do my best work when I have nine things to do, nine hours, and no time to around? Or does the pressure and stress "get to me" and make the me less productive?

I freely admit I have ADD and I can be easily distracted if I don't discipline my mind. Thus, for me if I have nine things to do and nine hours, I excel. At those times, I seriously get **** done! However, in no way would I want to live like that all the time--that kind of motivational stress feels like a punch in the gut to me. I prefer the peaceful life.

On the other side of that coin, when I have too much "free time" I can wander too easily. Thus, in times that are less stressful...less urgent...I very much tend to be a creature of habit. I still rise early, make my bed first thing, walk early, write a letter, get to work at a set time, and schedule my day for my own self so that I stay on track. I still act a little like * I * am micro-managing myself. I don't feel the angst/conflict (and thus don't feel the punch in the gut) but I don't get too distracted either.

I am a big walker. I aim for 10,000 steps a day which is about 5 miles, and in order to motivate myself to meet that goal, I sign up for 5k races. Now, I do NOT run! LOL But I tell 'em up front I walk, I pay the fee, I show up and walk, and I earn the t-shirt. When I don't have a 5k coming up, I tend to be less "motivated" because I don't feel like I'm training. When I do have one coming up, I tend to be more disciplined, because in truth I am a little competitive and sporty. I have no desire to "win" but I do have a desire to compete!

Finally, if you REALLY want to motivate me and have me follow you around like a puppy forever, words of admiration. I take criticism okay, and I can and do listen and apply it to myself, but boy it hurts far more than I ever show. Criticism is like Anti-Admiration to me, and although I know it's usually said to help me be a better person, it hits my heart every time. On the other hand, Admiration is like angel music in my ears. I already don't think all that highly of myself--I work on that constantly--but if someone else says something, boy that rings in my ears like a bell all day and I feel like dancing. So if you want me to work for you day and night until the job is perfect, tell me what I'm doing right. Notice something I did that you just loved, and tell me. Yep words of admiration motivate me!

It was pretty much what you figured out. I wanted to know if others found more motivation in something a little less than angst, though I used that word for dramatic effect in the title.

The problem is, I can be motivated by micromanaging and abuse, as I described above, and then get stuck and believe it's something good, though it makes life tough. I might find myself feeding off the conflict and becoming charged when encountering it, though I truly am worn out at the end of the day. It's competition, but not like a race. It feels much more serious. There are higher stakes.

In the end, I sort of realized that I did that in both marriages and I am wondering, if I am susceptible to believing bad treatment is okay and a challenge, like healthy competition. I don't want to let myself get "beat up".

However, I wonder what the correct time is to move on. I don't want to do that too soon. I don't want to stay too long. I want to recognize bull crap and know when the situation calls for action.

I'm not even sure anyone really knows, but just takes a chance that they are making the right choices. I might be asking too much. I don't know. I just figured I'd start a conversation and see where it went, since I don't really know how to ask or what to say. I don't and can't reveal too much without getting in trouble.

Edit: this is about work, not a relationship. I just started connecting things as I thought about them.

"I'm significant!! Screamed the dust speck." - Bill Watterson
"Youth is wasted on the young". - George Bernard Shaw

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post #34 of 36 (permalink) Old 08-12-2018, 03:11 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wanted: Angst and Conflict

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Originally Posted by personofinterest View Post
To give and nitpick should have been to HOVER and nitpick lol
I'll type emails and my manager will quietly stand behind me watching and reading as I type. It's startling when I realize he is there.

Edit: Sometimes, he will tell me not to word it in the way I did. Though, I'm constantly asking, "what do you mean"? His answer is to word it in a way that has an almost identical meaning, but are his words.

It's freaky and stifles my enthusiasm, though I find myself believing he is just harassing me. I tend to rise to the occasion and become more independent, or become beaten down and exhausted. Depends on how much sleep I get the night before, I've noticed.

"I'm significant!! Screamed the dust speck." - Bill Watterson
"Youth is wasted on the young". - George Bernard Shaw

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Last edited by 2ntnuf; 08-12-2018 at 03:16 PM.
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post #35 of 36 (permalink) Old 08-12-2018, 05:11 PM
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Re: Wanted: Angst and Conflict

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Originally Posted by 2ntnuf View Post
... The problem is, I can be motivated by micromanaging and abuse, as I described above, and then get stuck and believe it's something good, though it makes life tough. I might find myself feeding off the conflict and becoming charged when encountering it, though I truly am worn out at the end of the day. It's competition, but not like a race. It feels much more serious. There are higher stakes.

In the end, I sort of realized that I did that in both marriages and I am wondering, if I am susceptible to believing bad treatment is okay and a challenge, like healthy competition. I don't want to let myself get "beat up".

However, I wonder what the correct time is to move on. I don't want to do that too soon. I don't want to stay too long. I want to recognize bull crap and know when the situation calls for action.
I get that this is about work and not about a relationship, but it sounds to me like this is REALLY about self-awareness. Namely, whether it's work or marriages, you are considering whether or not you kind of "thrive" on bad treatment thinking of it like a challenge rather than recognizing that it's bad treatment. As an example, for me I was beaten by my mom every day as a child. I came to think of "love" as something that was abusive, and in my 30's when I learned that love was not abusive it was oddly shocking and paralyzing because I knew and understood abuse, and had no clue about what something healthy even looked like! The known (abuse) was less scary than the unknown (healthy).

In your instance, @2ntnuf, it seems to me that if you're asking the question, it's conceivable that there's more to think about here.

It's funny (unusual) that you'd ask us about "the correct time to move on" only because everyone has their own limits. I mean some people can really withstand and are patient and long-suffering--others not so much. Some people can stay content in any circumstance--others not so much. So I think some of this answer is for you to determine for yourself. What are your limits? What kind of temperament do you have? Do you want to learn to be more patient or are you okay with where you are on the patience-meter? Can you be content and create your own happiness no matter what's happening around you, or do the surroundings (and people) impact your contentment? All of these you'd have to answer yourself because you know yourself.

But in a super general way, maybe it's okay to recognize you are a sort of challenge-driven, competitive person (not ruthlessly, but you like a fair contest) AND that there is a limit to what's okay with you. See, I believe we all have a voice or point within us where we feel like "You know, this just is not okay with me" and that's where our boundary is. That's where we have an obligation to speak up and say out loud "This is not okay with me" and share the boundary and the consequence. I'd say it's pretty easy after that--the other person (whether boss, co-worker or relationship) is free to choose whatever they want, but if they trample the boundary, then the consequence is enacted.

As for me, personally? I am motivated by having to train, by being organized and scheduled, and by being admired. I know this about myself. I can excel in a crisis; I know this too. But I don't want crisis in my life all the time--the adrenaline is exhausting--and I do long for peace in my life. Peace, to me, means that it is more quiet with less pressure, but then that puts me in the seat of having to be responsible for motivating myself...and sharing whatever boundary may be in danger of being crossed.


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post #36 of 36 (permalink) Old 08-12-2018, 05:47 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wanted: Angst and Conflict

Yes, you've surely understood me @Affaircare.


I think you are correct. I must make the decision. How important am I, to myself? I think I will work on making myself the most important thing in my life. Thank you.

"I'm significant!! Screamed the dust speck." - Bill Watterson
"Youth is wasted on the young". - George Bernard Shaw

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