Passive people - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
The Social Spot Talk About Whatever.

User Tag List

 32Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #16 of 37 (permalink) Old 01-20-2019, 11:26 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 1,344
Re: Passive people

Quote:
Originally Posted by StarFires View Post
Power_Girl, I can tell by your responses that you don't understand what I'm saying to you. I think you're upset right now and really not in the mood to receive it. I'm not in the mood to keep trying to explain. I guess I'm just tired tonight.



There have been times that I was like you and didn't take in things that I read or things people said but looking on them later, I was able to grasp the context and meaning and their value. I think that happens to all of us sometimes. So, I implore you to look back on this thread and read it again in a month, 6 months, or a year. Read it as many times as it takes for you to get it. Don't try to contrive a response or a retort, just read the meaning of my statements and the poem. I hope you feel better soon.


I do not understand what you are saying. But I want to and that’s why I asked you to explain it. Not everyone understands things as easily as you want them to. I am very introspective and trust me I want to understand your position, but I don’t. I hope when you aren’t too tired you can help me understand.

Girl_power is online now  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #17 of 37 (permalink) Old 01-21-2019, 12:44 AM
Member
 
aine's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Away and beyond in a hot place
Posts: 5,387
Re: Passive people

Quote:
Originally Posted by Girl_power View Post
I don’t understand this position.

It wasn’t serious at first. But over time it became serious when we opened up, and became vulnerable. At least I did.
Learn to tell the difference. Well I don’t know how to.
I got hurt. And I understand that’s life and that happens. And trust me I am moving on. How am I judging him!? He knew I really liked him, he knew I wanted a relationship, he strung me along. He knew he was hurting me or going to hurt me. He should have ended it.
He sounds too immature to really reflect on his actions. I think you give him far too much credit as he doesn't sound like the inward looking kind. He just wants to have his current life with a GF attached who has no needs, demands, etc. You should have seen this in the way he treated you, you were right to dump him. He may be 30 but he is not mature.
aine is offline  
post #18 of 37 (permalink) Old 01-21-2019, 01:29 AM
Administrator
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 41,778
Re: Passive people

Quote:
Originally Posted by Girl_power View Post
We met online. He is only 30. He had a previous relationship that messed him up 4 years ago. The relationship lasted 3 years, no kids, no marriage, no cheating. She simply moved on and met someone else who she eventually married. He hasn’t been in a relationship since, but he on every dating website and wants to find love apparently.

After months of “seeing” each other he wouldn’t **** or get off the pot. I tried once to end it wit him Bc he wasn’t giving me enough to stay on the relationship and be begged and pleaded me to stay, and made excuses that he was just too busy in his life right now and things will change. Blah blah, nothing changed. He wasn’t seeing anyone else. I was seeing other people. But months went by and he wouldn’t choose me or not choose me. So I finally had to officially end it.

I mean he is this 30 year old kid who still plays way to much video games, and hasn’t had a relationship in 4 years and says he wants one but everytime he gets close the women get too “crazy” or “clingy” but now I realize it’s just him wanting to stay exactly where he is, and get the benefits of a relationship without having the fear, the commitment, the sacrifice, the vulnerability of one.
Did this relationship stay online? Or did the two of you have an in-real-life relationship where you actually saw each other in person?

Surviving An Affair -
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.



To Create A Passionate Marriage -
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
EleGirl is offline  
 
post #19 of 37 (permalink) Old 01-21-2019, 01:31 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 1,344
Re: Passive people

Quote:
Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
Did this relationship stay online? Or did the two of you have an in-real-life relationship where you actually saw each other in person?


We saw each other in person. We hung out. We had sex.
Girl_power is online now  
post #20 of 37 (permalink) Old 01-21-2019, 01:41 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 7,931
Re: Passive people

I think the term "passive" covers so much ground that its not all that useful.

In the case @Girl_power describes, I would call that emotional blackmail. "you *promised* not to leave me". I think that is never an OK way to behave in relationships. If someone is unhappy you should always make it easy for them to leave and be happy.

Some people are passive in the sense that they won't leave when *they* are unhappy - but I think that is mostly harming themselves.
uhtred is offline  
post #21 of 37 (permalink) Old 01-21-2019, 10:04 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 6,798
Re: Passive people

Quote:
t everytime he gets close the women get too “crazy” or “clingy” but now I realize it’s just him wanting to stay exactly where he is,
Sounds like passive aggression to me.
NextTimeAround is online now  
post #22 of 37 (permalink) Old 01-21-2019, 10:17 AM
Moderator
 
MattMatt's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: England
Posts: 27,945
Re: Passive people

Quote:
Originally Posted by Girl_power View Post
We met online. He is only 30. He had a previous relationship that messed him up 4 years ago. The relationship lasted 3 years, no kids, no marriage, no cheating. She simply moved on and met someone else who she eventually married. He hasn’t been in a relationship since, but he on every dating website and wants to find love apparently.

After months of “seeing” each other he wouldn’t **** or get off the pot. I tried once to end it wit him Bc he wasn’t giving me enough to stay on the relationship and be begged and pleaded me to stay, and made excuses that he was just too busy in his life right now and things will change. Blah blah, nothing changed. He wasn’t seeing anyone else. I was seeing other people. But months went by and he wouldn’t choose me or not choose me. So I finally had to officially end it.

I mean he is this 30 year old kid who still plays way to much video games, and hasn’t had a relationship in 4 years and says he wants one but everytime he gets close the women get too “crazy” or “clingy” but now I realize it’s just him wanting to stay exactly where he is, and get the benefits of a relationship without having the fear, the commitment, the sacrifice, the vulnerability of one.
That's probably not passive. Fearful, immaturity, yes. But not necessarily being passive.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
(Be afraid UK cheaters! CheaterVille has come to the UK!
MattMatt is online now  
post #23 of 37 (permalink) Old 01-21-2019, 10:41 AM
Member
 
StillSearching's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,181
Re: Passive people

Quote:
Originally Posted by Girl_power View Post
We saw each other in person. We hung out. We had sex.
Maybe it would be best to tell the next guy exactly how much video game play he's allowed, before you will lay down with him.
It is 2019.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
at 1:30 secs
"Treat yourself like someone you are responsible for helping."
"Pursue what is meaningful, not what is expedient."
"Nothing is as simultaneously, fear inspiring and arousing for women as a Man she suspects is self-aware of his own value."
StillSearching is offline  
post #24 of 37 (permalink) Old 01-21-2019, 10:43 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 3,043
Re: Passive people

Quote:
Originally Posted by Girl_power View Post
We met online. He is only 30. He had a previous relationship that messed him up 4 years ago. The relationship lasted 3 years, no kids, no marriage, no cheating. She simply moved on and met someone else who she eventually married. He hasn’t been in a relationship since, but he on every dating website and wants to find love apparently.

After months of “seeing” each other he wouldn’t **** or get off the pot. I tried once to end it wit him Bc he wasn’t giving me enough to stay on the relationship and be begged and pleaded me to stay, and made excuses that he was just too busy in his life right now and things will change. Blah blah, nothing changed. He wasn’t seeing anyone else. I was seeing other people. But months went by and he wouldn’t choose me or not choose me. So I finally had to officially end it.

I mean he is this 30 year old kid who still plays way to much video games, and hasn’t had a relationship in 4 years and says he wants one but everytime he gets close the women get too “crazy” or “clingy” but now I realize it’s just him wanting to stay exactly where he is, and get the benefits of a relationship without having the fear, the commitment, the sacrifice, the vulnerability of one.

So you met online, dated for a number of months while you were seeing other people and you were wanting to bolt because he liked to hang out and play video games rather than pursuing you with reckless abandon and professing his undying love to you and running into burning buildings and fighting off ninjas to save you.... all within a number of months of meeting him...…

I have the feeling he thinks you were needy and clingy.


I think what you are craving here is not so much decisiveness and initiative but rather intensity. He sounded to me like he was making decisions - he just wasn't providing you the stimulation and passion and intensity that you were wanting.


I consider myself to be pretty decisive and I pursue what I want and I am not afraid to make hard decisions and live with the consequences.

But at a month shy of 55 years old what I want and the things I find myself pursuing are hanging out here on TAM talking about other people's issues and watching The Walking Dead and going to work and paying bills and shoveling the driveway etc.

My days of running into burning buildings (which I used to actually do) and fighting off ninjas (if they ever come around here I will) and "fighting" for women are pretty much over. If some gal wants to hang out and go to movies or dinner or watch Walking Dead with me, that sounds great, i'll enjoy the company.

But if she expects me to battle ninjas and samuri and come to her rescue every time her house is burning down for the privilege of having her watch Walking Dead with me, she's probably going to be as disappointed as you were.

Lack of drama and chaos is not the same as passive and wanting to do things of lower intensity is not indecisive. It's just choosing a different path than you.

And that is all fair. At it's core dating is an interview and tryout process to spend time with people to get to know them to see if they are the right match for you or not.

He wasn't. Game over.

Break ups always have a bit of a sting to them but the purpose of dating is to get to know people to see if they are a match because we choose our own mates in this culture. In many other cultures people's mate's are chosen for them.

There is no foul here. You two met, spent time together and got to know each other and he did not have the same intensity in life as you and your dating relationship ran it's course.

My suggestion going forward is get out and meet people in the skydiving, rock climbing, surfing, MMA, paragliding, scuba diving and other adventure sport communities or even the swinging community where you will be around other people that embrace intensity and adrenaline and drama similarly to yourself.
oldshirt is offline  
post #25 of 37 (permalink) Old 01-21-2019, 10:48 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 1,344
Re: Passive people

Quote:
Originally Posted by oldshirt View Post
So you met online, dated for a number of months while you were seeing other people and you were wanting to bolt because he liked to hang out and play video games rather than pursuing you with reckless abandon and professing his undying love to you and running into burning buildings and fighting off ninjas to save you.... all within a number of months of meeting him...…



I have the feeling he thinks you were needy and clingy.





I think what you are craving here is not so much decisiveness and initiative but rather intensity. He sounded to me like he was making decisions - he just wasn't providing you the stimulation and passion and intensity that you were wanting.





I consider myself to be pretty decisive and I pursue what I want and I am not afraid to make hard decisions and live with the consequences.



But at a month shy of 55 years old what I want and the things I find myself pursuing are hanging out here on TAM talking about other people's issues and watching The Walking Dead and going to work and paying bills and shoveling the driveway etc.



My days of running into burning buildings (which I used to actually do) and fighting off ninjas (if they ever come around here I will) and "fighting" for women are pretty much over. If some gal wants to hang out and go to movies or dinner or watch Walking Dead with me, that sounds great, i'll enjoy the company.



But if she expects me to battle ninjas and samuri and come to her rescue every time her house is burning down for the privilege of having her watch Walking Dead with me, she's probably going to be as disappointed as you were.



Lack of drama and chaos is not the same as passive and wanting to do things of lower intensity is not indecisive. It's just choosing a different path than you.



And that is all fair. At it's core dating is an interview and tryout process to spend time with people to get to know them to see if they are the right match for you or not.



He wasn't. Game over.



Break ups always have a bit of a sting to them but the purpose of dating is to get to know people to see if they are a match because we choose our own mates in this culture. In many other cultures people's mate's are chosen for them.



There is no foul here. You two met, spent time together and got to know each other and he did not have the same intensity in life as you and your dating relationship ran it's course.



My suggestion going forward is get out and meet people in the skydiving, rock climbing, surfing, MMA, paragliding, scuba diving and other adventure sport communities or even the swinging community where you will be around other people that embrace intensity and adrenaline and drama similarly to yourself.


I wasn’t expecting him to fight ninjas for me. I expected him to know after months of dating if he wanted to be girlfriend/boyfriend or not. We are both in our 30s, and we both want to eventually get married and have kids. Make a decision.

Girl_power is online now  
post #26 of 37 (permalink) Old 01-21-2019, 10:54 AM
Member
 
Mr.Married's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2018
Location: Texas !!!!!!!!!!
Posts: 1,764
Re: Passive people

30's ...... playing video games. Maybe I just don't get it, but if I were a woman that would be a big red flag already. That stuff is for kids and teens.....not a man looking to settle in.
Mr.Married is offline  
post #27 of 37 (permalink) Old 01-21-2019, 11:16 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 3,043
Re: Passive people

Quote:
Originally Posted by StillSearching View Post
Maybe it would be best to tell the next guy exactly how much video game play he's allowed, before you will lay down with him.
It is 2019.
Yeah any time someone tells me what I am allowed to do as grown man it makes me want them that much more.
oldshirt is offline  
post #28 of 37 (permalink) Old 01-21-2019, 11:19 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 3,043
Re: Passive people

Quote:
Originally Posted by Girl_power View Post
I wasn’t expecting him to fight ninjas for me. I expected him to know after months of dating if he wanted to be girlfriend/boyfriend or not. We are both in our 30s, and we both want to eventually get married and have kids. Make a decision.
I'd say he did. It just wasn't the decision(s) you were wanting him to.
oldshirt is offline  
post #29 of 37 (permalink) Old 01-21-2019, 11:24 AM
Forum Supporter
 
minimalME's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 5,323
Re: Passive people

Quote:
Originally Posted by StillSearching View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by Girl_power View Post
We saw each other in person. We hung out. We had sex.
Maybe it would be best to tell the next guy exactly how much video game play he's allowed, before you will lay down with him.
It is 2019.
Or - don't have sex with strangers.

It makes letting go and moving on much easier.
minimalME is offline  
post #30 of 37 (permalink) Old 01-21-2019, 11:51 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 1,344
Passive people

Quote:
Originally Posted by minimalME View Post
Or - don't have sex with strangers.



It makes letting go and moving on much easier.


We werent strangers. At least I didn’t feel like that. We waited 2 months before having sex. 2 months where we really opened up to each other and got to know each other. At least that’s how I felt.
I need to work on my emotional vulnerability more because that’s how I get myself hurt.

Last edited by Girl_power; 01-21-2019 at 12:21 PM.
Girl_power is online now  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in










Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
monogamy, sex, marriage and morality NobodySpecial Politics 26 11-16-2017 11:08 AM
Meeting people katies The Ladies' Lounge 30 11-15-2017 12:46 PM
Blamed for the actions of other people xMadame General Relationship Discussion 9 06-18-2017 12:35 AM
People who find fault in others homes peacem The Family & Parenting Forums 42 11-08-2016 04:54 PM
Passive aggressives and their anger katiecrna Long Term Success in Marriage 45 11-03-2016 01:30 PM

Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome