We met online. He is only 30. He had a previous relationship that messed him up 4 years ago. The relationship lasted 3 years, no kids, no marriage, no cheating. She simply moved on and met someone else who she eventually married. He hasn’t been in a relationship since, but he on every dating website and wants to find love apparently.
After months of “seeing” each other he wouldn’t **** or get off the pot. I tried once to end it wit him Bc he wasn’t giving me enough to stay on the relationship and be begged and pleaded me to stay, and made excuses that he was just too busy in his life right now and things will change. Blah blah, nothing changed. He wasn’t seeing anyone else. I was seeing other people. But months went by and he wouldn’t choose me or not choose me. So I finally had to officially end it.
I mean he is this 30 year old kid who still plays way to much video games, and hasn’t had a relationship in 4 years and says he wants one but everytime he gets close the women get too “crazy” or “clingy” but now I realize it’s just him wanting to stay exactly where he is, and get the benefits of a relationship without having the fear, the commitment, the sacrifice, the vulnerability of one.
So you met online, dated for a number of months while you were seeing other people and you were wanting to bolt because he liked to hang out and play video games rather than pursuing you with reckless abandon and professing his undying love to you and running into burning buildings and fighting off ninjas to save you.... all within a number of months of meeting him...…
I have the feeling he thinks you were needy and clingy.
I think what you are craving here is not so much decisiveness and initiative but rather intensity. He sounded to me like he was making decisions - he just wasn't providing you the stimulation and passion and intensity that you were wanting.
I consider myself to be pretty decisive and I pursue what I want and I am not afraid to make hard decisions and live with the consequences.
But at a month shy of 55 years old what I want and the things I find myself pursuing are hanging out here on TAM talking about other people's issues and watching The Walking Dead and going to work and paying bills and shoveling the driveway etc.
My days of running into burning buildings (which I used to actually do) and fighting off ninjas (if they ever come around here I will) and "fighting" for women are pretty much over. If some gal wants to hang out and go to movies or dinner or watch Walking Dead with me, that sounds great, i'll enjoy the company.
But if she expects me to battle ninjas and samuri and come to her rescue every time her house is burning down for the privilege of having her watch Walking Dead with me, she's probably going to be as disappointed as you were.
Lack of drama and chaos is not the same as passive and wanting to do things of lower intensity is not indecisive. It's just choosing a different path than you.
And that is all fair. At it's core dating is an interview and tryout process to spend time with people to get to know them to see if they are the right match for you or not.
He wasn't. Game over.
Break ups always have a bit of a sting to them but the purpose of dating is to get to know people to see if they are a match because we choose our own mates in this culture. In many other cultures people's mate's are chosen for them.
There is no foul here. You two met, spent time together and got to know each other and he did not have the same intensity in life as you and your dating relationship ran it's course.
My suggestion going forward is get out and meet people in the skydiving, rock climbing, surfing, MMA, paragliding, scuba diving and other adventure sport communities or even the swinging community where you will be around other people that embrace intensity and adrenaline and drama similarly to yourself.