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post #1 of 27 (permalink) Old 11-06-2019, 07:53 AM Thread Starter
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Bachelor vs Divorce

I've been thinking about people who never get married vs people who are divorced. The guy I've been dating for coming up on a year has never been married and has no kids.

I've been divorced twice with two older kids from my first marriage.

Is one judged more harshly than the other? I feel like the tendency is to wonder what's wrong with a person who gets into their 40's and beyond their without settling down.

I did ask him about it and his response was that he'd never met the right person. That could well be true.....clearly I didn't either, he was just smart enough not to get married so maybe in that sense he's smarter than me. But I did get my boys and I'd never change that. I have a decent idea why he's never been married and it isn't a deal breaker for me....at this point I'm not sure I care to be married again and what we have works for me right now.

Who knows how perspectives could change for either one of us so we'll see how things develop.

I feel like people haven't batted an eye at my two divorces and was approached by a number of what I'd call decent men after my divorce who didn't seem to care at all. It was almost like "well his loss.....". Maybe it's because divorce is common.

So what say you? Do you see divorced and never been married people differently? If so how?

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post #2 of 27 (permalink) Old 11-06-2019, 08:06 AM
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Re: Bachelor vs Divorce

My H and I met in our early 40s and he had never been married. He stated the exact same reason as your BF, and I eventually was certain that was true.

It really annoyed me at our wedding and reception, all the family saying how he FINALLY met someone, and they NEVER thought he would get married and on and on. I was pissed. How rude.

Why isnít it possible that some people are smart enough to know they havenít found someone they wanted to marry yet, so they wait?

Sure, for some it could be a red flag, but not for everyone.

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post #3 of 27 (permalink) Old 11-06-2019, 08:24 AM
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Re: Bachelor vs Divorce

From the outside looking in I would say that the two of you have red flag equality.

You: "two divorces and was approached by a number of what I'd call decent men" based on your hobbies your likely a visually good catch so I'm not surprised about the guys

Him: "has never been married and has no kids" For me this is not a red flag because of one big reason. Let me explain: I love my wife and she is no doubt the best woman for me.
Even with that knowledge and a great marriage with good kids and no problems ...... I still could easily have been or could be .....single. It was never my big intention to get
married and have kids but that is the way it worked out just due to perfect circumstances. Again ...I love my wife and kids .....but I can understand his thought process.

I was strongly independent at a very young age ..... maybe he was as well.
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post #4 of 27 (permalink) Old 11-06-2019, 08:48 AM
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Re: Bachelor vs Divorce

I have an immediate reaction to someone who is obviously interested in relationships but never married.

It is mostly curiosity or just feeling something might be off?

Intellectually, nothing should be amiss but it just Sparks something.

A person who is divorced doesn't so much and probably for the reasons you mentioned, that it is so common that everyone is use to it.
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post #5 of 27 (permalink) Old 11-06-2019, 08:49 AM
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I personally do see a man or woman who is in their 40s and hasn't at least lived with a partner as a red flag. Like, all of that time and there wasn't even one person you wanted to be close enough to live with?
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post #6 of 27 (permalink) Old 11-06-2019, 09:00 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Bachelor vs Divorce

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Originally Posted by Mr.Married View Post
From the outside looking in I would say that the two of you have red flag equality.

You: "two divorces and was approached by a number of what I'd call decent men" based on your hobbies your likely a visually good catch so I'm not surprised about the guys

Him: "has never been married and has no kids" For me this is not a red flag because of one big reason. Let me explain: I love my wife and she is no doubt the best woman for me.
Even with that knowledge and a great marriage with good kids and no problems ...... I still could easily have been or could be .....single. It was never my big intention to get
married and have kids but that is the way it worked out just due to perfect circumstances. Again ...I love my wife and kids .....but I can understand his thought process.

I was strongly independent at a very young age ..... maybe he was as well.

I see what you mean about the independent thing....he does seem to be pretty independent.

Also, remember that many of the guys in my age bracket are divorced as well, so me being divorced isn't necessarily an issue to them. I guess if I met someone who'd been divorced 5 times vs my 2 I'd be hesitant, but what I really look for is some indication that one has looked in the mirror and done some introspection. I spent 2 1/2 years in therapy to explore my issues and feel like I'm in a much better place to make good decisions.

One who has introspected is less likely to be on marriage number 5.
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post #7 of 27 (permalink) Old 11-06-2019, 09:13 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Bachelor vs Divorce

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Originally Posted by Spicy View Post
My H and I met in our early 40s and he had never been married. He stated the exact same reason as your BF, and I eventually was certain that was true.

It really annoyed me at our wedding and reception, all the family saying how he FINALLY met someone, and they NEVER thought he would get married and on and on. I was pissed. How rude.

Why isnít it possible that some people are smart enough to know they havenít found someone they wanted to marry yet, so they wait?

Sure, for some it could be a red flag, but not for everyone.

That was rude. But you did remind me of My Big Fat Greek Wedding where Tula gets engaged (at about 30) and her relatives are going on about how they NEVER thought that day would come.

Great movie!
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post #8 of 27 (permalink) Old 11-06-2019, 09:34 AM
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Re: Bachelor vs Divorce

I'm kind of like conanhub on this. Whenever I meet a man or woman for that matter in their 40s+ who has never been married or been in a long term committed relationship, I take it as a red flag. I automatically think they are either too picky or been hyper focused on one particular goal.

I also think that we (all of us regardless of marital status) become more set in our ways the older we get. In my experience men and women who haven't had to deal with the constant give and take, and compromising, that is required in marriage rarely get accustomed to it later in life.

Statistics show that men who enter their 40s as bachelors have a much lower chance of ever getting married than men who are divorced.
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post #9 of 27 (permalink) Old 11-06-2019, 09:41 AM
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Re: Bachelor vs Divorce

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Originally Posted by lifeistooshort View Post
So what say you? Do you see divorced and never been married people differently? If so how?
Of course I see divorced and never married people differently. They made different life choices and are in different situations. They are different. By age 35 or so you start seeing those who have been widowed, as well, and they are also different from the never married's and the divorced.

How I see it is everyone is damaged in some way. Single, divorced, widowed. Everybody. What I want to know is how that person is damaged and does their damage get along with my damage.


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Originally Posted by lifeistooshort View Post
The guy I've been dating for coming up on a year has never been married and has no kids.
This would be a possible red flag for me. Not the never been married bit, but the had no kids bit. I'm in my mid-40's with grown children and a tubal ligation. I'd want to take things very slow to make sure a man like that is truly childfree and not just a late bloomer in the early stages of coming to the realization that he wants a marriage and child(ren).

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #10 of 27 (permalink) Old 11-06-2019, 09:55 AM
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Re: Bachelor vs Divorce

How many long-term relationships has he experienced?

Interesting how multiple marriages are frowned on... are multiple LTRs without marriage equally frowned on?

If you have open and honest understanding, neither will bother you... sounds as you both communicate well.


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post #11 of 27 (permalink) Old 11-06-2019, 09:58 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Bachelor vs Divorce

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Originally Posted by MJJEAN View Post
Of course I see divorced and never married people differently. They made different life choices and are in different situations. They are different. By age 35 or so you start seeing those who have been widowed, as well, and they are also different from the never married's and the divorced.

How I see it is everyone is damaged in some way. Single, divorced, widowed. Everybody. What I want to know is how that person is damaged and does their damage get along with my damage.




This would be a possible red flag for me. Not the never been married bit, but the had no kids bit. I'm in my mid-40's with grown children and a tubal ligation. I'd want to take things very slow to make sure a man like that is truly childfree and not just a late bloomer in the early stages of coming to the realization that he wants a marriage and child(ren).


I like that....am going to remember that.

I agree that a late bloomer is a risk, and if he were to suddenly decide he must have marriage and children at 54 he's free to be on his way.

Based on our talks though I doubt that's going to happen. His life isn't structured to accommodate children and I see no indication that he has any desire to change that.
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post #12 of 27 (permalink) Old 11-06-2019, 10:02 AM
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Re: Bachelor vs Divorce

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Originally Posted by MJJEAN View Post
Of course I see divorced and never married people differently. They made different life choices and are in different situations. They are different. By age 35 or so you start seeing those who have been widowed, as well, and they are also different from the never married's and the divorced.

How I see it is everyone is damaged in some way. Single, divorced, widowed. Everybody. What I want to know is how that person is damaged and does their damage get along with my damage.


This would be a possible red flag for me. Not the never been married bit, but the had no kids bit. I'm in my mid-40's with grown children and a tubal ligation. I'd want to take things very slow to make sure a man like that is truly childfree and not just a late bloomer in the early stages of coming to the realization that he wants a marriage and child(ren).


I'd have to say this.

They are different and have different life experiences.

Whether or not - not being married by strong avoidance intentions, focus on career created issues (they thought were obstacles to M) or just never clicked with someone, the result is the same, the difference is there.

But so what. Barring he's an axe murderer 😁 .

Everyone has difficulties encountered and dealt with in their lives.

Difference is there, likely not better or worse, than other circumstance.

I was very much not looking to get married so young 22yo, but had been fiercely independent since 16, was out of college, traveling the world in career, and enjoying many sexual relations at the same time.

Then met DW, married w/I 4months, two sons in the next 3yrs, refocused my life, and life is good.

I was planning for at least 10 yrs of being single, it was too much fun.

I knew I hoped to provide a better family life than much of my family experiences, although not all was terrible but much was f'kd. Oh well. No worries, I got out and on with a good life the good Lord set before me.

M hasn't always been perfect, mostly my fault I'm sure, but eventually we got on an even keel and have had some great sailing with the occasional storm that passes.
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post #13 of 27 (permalink) Old 11-06-2019, 10:31 AM
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Re: Bachelor vs Divorce

I tend to not judge people based upon their past.
People grow, change, and yes make mistakes.
Who they are now is what matters.

My wife is not the same person exactly as she
was over 30 years ago. Neither of us had any
children, or now grand children. We had past
relationships, some good some bad. Experienced
a lot and grown together. Still growing.

I did know one couple who lived together a long time
and were committed and happy. They finally got married
and two years later a bitter divorce. Don't know what
changed, guess it was making it legal or something.

I know another couple both divorced with kids.
They both live in different homes and towns,
and have met each others kids. Every free moment
they have they are together. Vacations, cruises, and
weekends. They love each other very much but have
no plans on marriage. It works for them, they plan
on keeping it the way it is.

If your current relationship makes you and him happy.
Full speed ahead, let others think what they want.
They are going to anyways, it is not about them .

Live your life to the fullest and happiness

Never place anyone on a pedestal it hurts more when they fall off
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post #14 of 27 (permalink) Old 11-06-2019, 11:10 AM
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Re: Bachelor vs Divorce

i am one of those 'people'.

i wasn't interested in a relationship until i got into my 50's believe it or not. i mean didn't date at all. too much trouble. wasn't lonely, didn't need it. it wasn't that i didn't meet the 'right woman'.
it was that i didn't meet any women at all (or men). i was an old bachelor and perfectly contented.

then when i turned around 50, i changed. i got the taste of women, and i wanted that. over the next several years, i had several relationships, mostly were wonderful, but one short disastrous sexless marriage.

i married again, and have been extremely happily married for 6.5 years.

i found the right woman, what can i say?
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post #15 of 27 (permalink) Old 11-06-2019, 12:36 PM
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Re: Bachelor vs Divorce

There is no good answer.

However, it pays to see reality not what you want to see. If you can do that time will tell you what you need to know.
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