My husband and I have been married for 13 years. We have 3 beautiful and brilliant children together.
My husband abused alcohol for many many years. The red flags were there but I was 22 when I got married and naive. I truly believed my husband would grow up because he “loved” me so much.
Fast forward years of emotional/physical abuse, denial, and betrayal. As the alcohol abuse became worse, I went into survival mode. My husband was depressed for years! He barely went to work and when he did it was to go to the bar across from his office. I had to pick up the physical and emotional slack for our family. Things were so toxic that our oldest would write about how bad alcohol was. I tolerated a lot of emotional abuse but seeing what our son was going through wasn’t fair to him. I had tried reasoning with my husband for years about his alcohol abuse. It didn’t matter. He would literally tell me “I’m going to drink as much as want and you can’t tell me what to do.”
Things finally came to a head thanksgiving 23’. My husband at this point of our marriage was unrecognizable to me. He was a toxic and selfish husband. ANOTHER incident happened that night but this time it was in front of the kids. That was it for me. I stayed at my brother’s house that night with the kids. The following morning I told him he needed to leave our house or I was getting the police involved.
I went on to pursue a restraining order. It was the hardest day of my life. I didn’t hate my husband but I hated who he had become. I no longer felt safe and secure around him. He was so lost in his ways that there was no compassion or gentleness.
Well, time had passed. My husband got sober and started going to AA. He was able to visit the kids and he seemed better! Naive me thought I could do this again! He’s sober! Things will be different! And they were.
We started to rebuild our trust. Things weren’t perfect but we were figuring it out. He stopped going to AA. I would encourage him to go but it didn’t matter. He felt that he wasn’t an alcoholic. He excommunicated my family. This was extremely difficult for me. My family hadn’t wronged him. They were upset but open to healing their relationship with him and support us.
I became depressed. For years I put one foot in front of the other and persevered but this depression was more than I could handle on my own. I’ve been going to therapy on my own since March. I have a lot of unresolved trauma that I bury deep in my chest. I don’t talk to my friends or family about any of this because it’s too heavy for me to talk about. The separation between my ENTIRE family and husband has been too much.
I teach music. In May we had our spring recital. All of our children participated and my family was present. My husband almost didn’t come because he didn’t want to face my family. He came right as the doors were closing and left before the recital was over so he didn’t have to face my family.
He has missed soccer games. The girls invited my parents to a few of their games. My husband refused to go.
He missed our daughter’s 7th birthday because my parents and grandparents attended.
At first I thought maybe time would heal things and he would open up to me. I have gently brought up the topic and I get no response.
Months have passed. Although my husband is more gentle and a better father, there are things I can no longer compromise on. I was shocked when my husband said he wasn’t an alcoholic. How can I expect him to take accountability for what I’ve endured. I don’t want my husband to feel like he has to beg for forgiveness the rest of his life but my heart is shattered. Healing needs to start somewhere but it’s impossible when he’s not willing. He doesn’t do therapy, AA or other recovery support groups.
On top of this, I asked him the other day if he was planning on reconciling with my family. This time I was more stern and I wasn’t going to be dismissed again. I deserve to know! He said no. My family didn’t do anything to him. He has so much anger and righteousness that he sits on. He won’t even talk to me about why he won’t reconcile with my family. I’ve expressed to him that this is internally splitting me in half. Also, when I have brought up this topic I am told that I’m hormonal and emotional. I purposely don’t discuss this with him during or close to my menstrual cycle. I truly believe this is his way of dismissing my feelings and not having to address his.
After he told me he had no plans on reconciling with my family I told him I can’t stay in this marriage. If I decide to stay I think I might become suicidal. I love my parents!! I love my brother!! I love my nephews and grandparents!! I cannot juggle holidays, birthday celebrations, illness, etc. for the rest of my life with him!!!
After I told him I can’t continue with my life this way he told me I was being hormonal again. I can’t!! Although there has been growth in some areas, I feel like his roommate. He is more concerned about what I contribute to our household than my well being.
24hrs after this conversation I got the flu. He is going on like that conversation never happened!! I slept all day yesterday. I’ve barely spoken to him. He is trying hard to take care of me and keep up with the house and sick kids. I don’t see the point!! I don’t have many years left with my grandparents. My father’s body is failing him and I fear he may need a wheel chair in the next year or two. I want to be there for them and I want a spouse who wants to care for them too! I could understand if there was a big falling out but there wasn’t. My brother and husband were best friends!!
Therapy has helped me a lot. I’ve figured out why I chose the husband I chose and why I’m quick to people please rather than laying healthy boundaries. I’ve gone to a few al-anon meetings and that has really opened my eyes to why an alcoholic behaves the way they do.
I’m looking for support. I was 18 when I met my husband. I desperately wanted to make us work. I clearly struggle with being able to leave him. I feel like a failure. On the surface my life looks good! We have a beautiful house, we are surrounded by family and we both have jobs we enjoy. We have built a lot together but it’s been years and years of emotional struggle. My husband loves me with his limited capabilities. I want to be fully loved. I want to heal with someone who I was planning on spending my life with. I don’t think that will happen. I need support. I need to move on with my life. I don’t want to have another Christmas where mom has nothing under the Christmas tree. I don’t want to beg my husband to date me. And I can’t separate my life between one person and the rest of my community.
My husband abused alcohol for many many years. The red flags were there but I was 22 when I got married and naive. I truly believed my husband would grow up because he “loved” me so much.
Fast forward years of emotional/physical abuse, denial, and betrayal. As the alcohol abuse became worse, I went into survival mode. My husband was depressed for years! He barely went to work and when he did it was to go to the bar across from his office. I had to pick up the physical and emotional slack for our family. Things were so toxic that our oldest would write about how bad alcohol was. I tolerated a lot of emotional abuse but seeing what our son was going through wasn’t fair to him. I had tried reasoning with my husband for years about his alcohol abuse. It didn’t matter. He would literally tell me “I’m going to drink as much as want and you can’t tell me what to do.”
Things finally came to a head thanksgiving 23’. My husband at this point of our marriage was unrecognizable to me. He was a toxic and selfish husband. ANOTHER incident happened that night but this time it was in front of the kids. That was it for me. I stayed at my brother’s house that night with the kids. The following morning I told him he needed to leave our house or I was getting the police involved.
I went on to pursue a restraining order. It was the hardest day of my life. I didn’t hate my husband but I hated who he had become. I no longer felt safe and secure around him. He was so lost in his ways that there was no compassion or gentleness.
Well, time had passed. My husband got sober and started going to AA. He was able to visit the kids and he seemed better! Naive me thought I could do this again! He’s sober! Things will be different! And they were.
We started to rebuild our trust. Things weren’t perfect but we were figuring it out. He stopped going to AA. I would encourage him to go but it didn’t matter. He felt that he wasn’t an alcoholic. He excommunicated my family. This was extremely difficult for me. My family hadn’t wronged him. They were upset but open to healing their relationship with him and support us.
I became depressed. For years I put one foot in front of the other and persevered but this depression was more than I could handle on my own. I’ve been going to therapy on my own since March. I have a lot of unresolved trauma that I bury deep in my chest. I don’t talk to my friends or family about any of this because it’s too heavy for me to talk about. The separation between my ENTIRE family and husband has been too much.
I teach music. In May we had our spring recital. All of our children participated and my family was present. My husband almost didn’t come because he didn’t want to face my family. He came right as the doors were closing and left before the recital was over so he didn’t have to face my family.
He has missed soccer games. The girls invited my parents to a few of their games. My husband refused to go.
He missed our daughter’s 7th birthday because my parents and grandparents attended.
At first I thought maybe time would heal things and he would open up to me. I have gently brought up the topic and I get no response.
Months have passed. Although my husband is more gentle and a better father, there are things I can no longer compromise on. I was shocked when my husband said he wasn’t an alcoholic. How can I expect him to take accountability for what I’ve endured. I don’t want my husband to feel like he has to beg for forgiveness the rest of his life but my heart is shattered. Healing needs to start somewhere but it’s impossible when he’s not willing. He doesn’t do therapy, AA or other recovery support groups.
On top of this, I asked him the other day if he was planning on reconciling with my family. This time I was more stern and I wasn’t going to be dismissed again. I deserve to know! He said no. My family didn’t do anything to him. He has so much anger and righteousness that he sits on. He won’t even talk to me about why he won’t reconcile with my family. I’ve expressed to him that this is internally splitting me in half. Also, when I have brought up this topic I am told that I’m hormonal and emotional. I purposely don’t discuss this with him during or close to my menstrual cycle. I truly believe this is his way of dismissing my feelings and not having to address his.
After he told me he had no plans on reconciling with my family I told him I can’t stay in this marriage. If I decide to stay I think I might become suicidal. I love my parents!! I love my brother!! I love my nephews and grandparents!! I cannot juggle holidays, birthday celebrations, illness, etc. for the rest of my life with him!!!
After I told him I can’t continue with my life this way he told me I was being hormonal again. I can’t!! Although there has been growth in some areas, I feel like his roommate. He is more concerned about what I contribute to our household than my well being.
24hrs after this conversation I got the flu. He is going on like that conversation never happened!! I slept all day yesterday. I’ve barely spoken to him. He is trying hard to take care of me and keep up with the house and sick kids. I don’t see the point!! I don’t have many years left with my grandparents. My father’s body is failing him and I fear he may need a wheel chair in the next year or two. I want to be there for them and I want a spouse who wants to care for them too! I could understand if there was a big falling out but there wasn’t. My brother and husband were best friends!!
Therapy has helped me a lot. I’ve figured out why I chose the husband I chose and why I’m quick to people please rather than laying healthy boundaries. I’ve gone to a few al-anon meetings and that has really opened my eyes to why an alcoholic behaves the way they do.
I’m looking for support. I was 18 when I met my husband. I desperately wanted to make us work. I clearly struggle with being able to leave him. I feel like a failure. On the surface my life looks good! We have a beautiful house, we are surrounded by family and we both have jobs we enjoy. We have built a lot together but it’s been years and years of emotional struggle. My husband loves me with his limited capabilities. I want to be fully loved. I want to heal with someone who I was planning on spending my life with. I don’t think that will happen. I need support. I need to move on with my life. I don’t want to have another Christmas where mom has nothing under the Christmas tree. I don’t want to beg my husband to date me. And I can’t separate my life between one person and the rest of my community.
