This is my first thread at TAM, I am European and English is not my native language, so please bear over with me for any misspellings or bad language. Anyway; here is my story – I know it’s a long story, sorry about that.
Eight months ago, I discovered my wife having a full blown LTA, as bad as it gets, I would say. Of course I was shocked, we had known each other for 26 years, have 2 kids aged 7 and 10. We were the perfect couple in many peoples opinion, seemed so happy together - and we were. We were caring for each other, had a satisfactory sex life, financially well doing etc.
We went through D-day and the following days following some sort of a typical pattern: Mutual chock, denial, trickle truth, resentment, and remorse to some degree, fear, HB and finally a depression for me.
My wife justified the affair with the fact, that she didn't ever try sex with anyone but me, since we were very young when we coupled. She wanted to learn how it was to have sex with another man, and she had thought about it for a while. She also blame shifted a bit by mentioning my weight getting worse (true) and I being distant because of a personal web project (true, and she was distant by watching tv-shows tv-shows, that I didn’t have any interest in, but this could have been handled if discussed).
Then one day a male acquaintance from our kids’ school started texting her with friendly messages, later on more and more flirting and finally erotic. She told me, that she was flattered and very glad to learn that she is still attractive - and she is very attractive.
They started to have sex and the affair went on for 9 months. I found out by accident seeing a SMS from an unknown person popping up on her phone, saying “sweetie”. Investigating phone bills strengthened my suspicion and I demanded to see her FB account – she confessed under heavy pressure from me.
She had a hard time the first time they had sex, she said, very shy and reluctant to start with but then it became easier and easier. It was not ever in her mind to leave me, she still loved me endlessly, she says. It was just like living in another world, she explained, and me and the kids just didn't exist in that world (compartmentalizing). Later on she told me, that she actually loved this guy, which explained a lot to me about the resistance in telling me the whole truth at once (trickle truth). I think she may have recognized that I would have left her immediately had I known this from the beginning, and I probably would have.
But I have been told stories like: "It has absolutely nothing to do with you", "You are my only love" or "sex with you is just as good or even better..." but these stories are so hard to believe, when you have been cheated on like that.
I had a minor to medium depression, with sadness, fear, anger, and tons of ups and downs. I couldn’t concentrate at work and I also started having minor problems with sexual performance as well (performance anxiety). This was about the same time as we went through the HB-phase.
She would continue her social activities on FB, SMS etc. and I was a bit concerned about that, in fact even angry from time to time (there were guys being called “Sweetie” etc.). But she insisted on having her own life, and I guess that taking away her social life and flirting nature would result in me having a different woman than the one I initially fell in love with – I didn’t want that to happen either.
We even discussed the possibilities of living in an open relationship, since I accepted the fact, that I wouldn’t be able to stop her in thinking about sex with other men, and that there forever would be a considerable risk of her falling back in.
4 months ago my wife then, as a part of these discussions, offered me a free pass. She had now spent 6 months trying to explain how it felt to be with someone else while still loving your spouse. And I just didn’t get it. I couldn't relate to it in any way, and I had difficulties understanding her story. Further as a result of her affair; my self-esteem totally vanished from one day to another. This "unexpected" consequence, diminishing my self-worth, was hurting her, I could tell. So she decided to push me to get some extramarital sex to see for myself what it was like, and to regain some confidence in myself. I told her, that it would be okay with me, if she saw OM, but that she needed to be absolutely honest with me in relation to this and tell me if it went further than that.
I started writing other women on dating- and social networks and did also get contacts back. What a priceless feeling being recognized and appreciated by other women! I did also go out - twice. And I am so glad I did! I suddenly understood what the h... my wife talked about earlier, and my self-esteem was boosted significantly. I now KNEW for sure, that it actually had nothing to do with me not being good enough at all - and that I was quite able to get attention from other attractive women as well. And at the same time, I didn’t stop to love my wife at all – on the contrary, not many women would actively support their husband in dating other women.
My wife was well informed about my activities. And it became very clear to me that it was in fact very hard on her, and I think that for the first time, she realized, how I had felt during the last 5 months. At the same time, OM moved to the other end of the country and told her, that he wouldn’t see her again. And when I told her that I might continue the activities, and that I was still writing someone, she became extremely jealous!
All the sudden, things turned 180 degrees. Now the story is, that my writing with and seeing other women have everything to do with her, she is not good enough, I will probably end up leaving her etc. Well, well, what do you know…
She now states, that we should not date others, since it is not normal, whatever that means. She says that her desire for other men has vanished, that her need for sex it reduced to a minimum, and that she can be 100% honest with me if she ever gets the desire for other men again. She says that she would prefer that I didn’t see someone, but if I plan on doing it anyway, she would like to know and approve of it. If she chooses not to approve and I insist on following my desire disregarding her resistance, we will not be able to live together anymore (obviously). And she has shown to be very reluctant in discussing the matter anymore.
I think that what I would prefer is that it was just the two of us in our relationship. But on the other hand, I don’t think that I can rely on her never getting the desire for other men again. I don’t think that I can trust that she will tell me either, since she would fear that I will either leave her or insist on having some strange myself – and she doesn’t seem to like any of these outcomes.
So given these uncertainties… I am so much in doubt about what path to follow. Hope for her new monogamous lifestyle to last and take the fall if she it doesn’t? Wait for her to tell me in 6 months that she now desires another man, knowing that I had my opportunities and didn’t act on them? Continue to work on the possibilities of having an open relationship lifestyle, which clearly means that we will both have to learn to handle jealousy?
I don’t own my wife, and I don’t get to decide how she is going to live her life – I focus on myself, my wellbeing and my actions (did have some IC). I don’t believe in control, punishment, revenge and the alike.
Does anyone have some thoughts and perspective on this situation? I would appreciate it very much, thanks.
Eight months ago, I discovered my wife having a full blown LTA, as bad as it gets, I would say. Of course I was shocked, we had known each other for 26 years, have 2 kids aged 7 and 10. We were the perfect couple in many peoples opinion, seemed so happy together - and we were. We were caring for each other, had a satisfactory sex life, financially well doing etc.
We went through D-day and the following days following some sort of a typical pattern: Mutual chock, denial, trickle truth, resentment, and remorse to some degree, fear, HB and finally a depression for me.
My wife justified the affair with the fact, that she didn't ever try sex with anyone but me, since we were very young when we coupled. She wanted to learn how it was to have sex with another man, and she had thought about it for a while. She also blame shifted a bit by mentioning my weight getting worse (true) and I being distant because of a personal web project (true, and she was distant by watching tv-shows tv-shows, that I didn’t have any interest in, but this could have been handled if discussed).
Then one day a male acquaintance from our kids’ school started texting her with friendly messages, later on more and more flirting and finally erotic. She told me, that she was flattered and very glad to learn that she is still attractive - and she is very attractive.
They started to have sex and the affair went on for 9 months. I found out by accident seeing a SMS from an unknown person popping up on her phone, saying “sweetie”. Investigating phone bills strengthened my suspicion and I demanded to see her FB account – she confessed under heavy pressure from me.
She had a hard time the first time they had sex, she said, very shy and reluctant to start with but then it became easier and easier. It was not ever in her mind to leave me, she still loved me endlessly, she says. It was just like living in another world, she explained, and me and the kids just didn't exist in that world (compartmentalizing). Later on she told me, that she actually loved this guy, which explained a lot to me about the resistance in telling me the whole truth at once (trickle truth). I think she may have recognized that I would have left her immediately had I known this from the beginning, and I probably would have.
But I have been told stories like: "It has absolutely nothing to do with you", "You are my only love" or "sex with you is just as good or even better..." but these stories are so hard to believe, when you have been cheated on like that.
I had a minor to medium depression, with sadness, fear, anger, and tons of ups and downs. I couldn’t concentrate at work and I also started having minor problems with sexual performance as well (performance anxiety). This was about the same time as we went through the HB-phase.
She would continue her social activities on FB, SMS etc. and I was a bit concerned about that, in fact even angry from time to time (there were guys being called “Sweetie” etc.). But she insisted on having her own life, and I guess that taking away her social life and flirting nature would result in me having a different woman than the one I initially fell in love with – I didn’t want that to happen either.
We even discussed the possibilities of living in an open relationship, since I accepted the fact, that I wouldn’t be able to stop her in thinking about sex with other men, and that there forever would be a considerable risk of her falling back in.
4 months ago my wife then, as a part of these discussions, offered me a free pass. She had now spent 6 months trying to explain how it felt to be with someone else while still loving your spouse. And I just didn’t get it. I couldn't relate to it in any way, and I had difficulties understanding her story. Further as a result of her affair; my self-esteem totally vanished from one day to another. This "unexpected" consequence, diminishing my self-worth, was hurting her, I could tell. So she decided to push me to get some extramarital sex to see for myself what it was like, and to regain some confidence in myself. I told her, that it would be okay with me, if she saw OM, but that she needed to be absolutely honest with me in relation to this and tell me if it went further than that.
I started writing other women on dating- and social networks and did also get contacts back. What a priceless feeling being recognized and appreciated by other women! I did also go out - twice. And I am so glad I did! I suddenly understood what the h... my wife talked about earlier, and my self-esteem was boosted significantly. I now KNEW for sure, that it actually had nothing to do with me not being good enough at all - and that I was quite able to get attention from other attractive women as well. And at the same time, I didn’t stop to love my wife at all – on the contrary, not many women would actively support their husband in dating other women.
My wife was well informed about my activities. And it became very clear to me that it was in fact very hard on her, and I think that for the first time, she realized, how I had felt during the last 5 months. At the same time, OM moved to the other end of the country and told her, that he wouldn’t see her again. And when I told her that I might continue the activities, and that I was still writing someone, she became extremely jealous!
All the sudden, things turned 180 degrees. Now the story is, that my writing with and seeing other women have everything to do with her, she is not good enough, I will probably end up leaving her etc. Well, well, what do you know…
She now states, that we should not date others, since it is not normal, whatever that means. She says that her desire for other men has vanished, that her need for sex it reduced to a minimum, and that she can be 100% honest with me if she ever gets the desire for other men again. She says that she would prefer that I didn’t see someone, but if I plan on doing it anyway, she would like to know and approve of it. If she chooses not to approve and I insist on following my desire disregarding her resistance, we will not be able to live together anymore (obviously). And she has shown to be very reluctant in discussing the matter anymore.
I think that what I would prefer is that it was just the two of us in our relationship. But on the other hand, I don’t think that I can rely on her never getting the desire for other men again. I don’t think that I can trust that she will tell me either, since she would fear that I will either leave her or insist on having some strange myself – and she doesn’t seem to like any of these outcomes.
So given these uncertainties… I am so much in doubt about what path to follow. Hope for her new monogamous lifestyle to last and take the fall if she it doesn’t? Wait for her to tell me in 6 months that she now desires another man, knowing that I had my opportunities and didn’t act on them? Continue to work on the possibilities of having an open relationship lifestyle, which clearly means that we will both have to learn to handle jealousy?
I don’t own my wife, and I don’t get to decide how she is going to live her life – I focus on myself, my wellbeing and my actions (did have some IC). I don’t believe in control, punishment, revenge and the alike.
Does anyone have some thoughts and perspective on this situation? I would appreciate it very much, thanks.
