Wife says she is in love with another man, but still loves me
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » Wife says she is in love with another man, but still loves me

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 09-26-2012, 10:15 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Wife says she is in love with another man, but still loves me

Found out of Saturday my wife has fallen in love with another man, this hase been going on for 4 months.

I obviously am very upset by this we have been married for 19 years, been together 26 years and have 3 great grown up kids.

She says that she needs space to decide whether she will stay with me, leave for this other man or leave and be on here own.

The reason for these options is that apprently the other man (she says) is unlikely to leave his wife and 3 younger kids, so my reaction to that is why is she seeing him? she swears blind that there relationship has not got to the full sexual intercourse point (strange given over 4 months).

Everytime I have tried to talk to her, she says I am grilling her and cornering her.

My sister told me to stop following her around and back off, and that might start to make her think, also for me to start taking some control over this, rather than her doing this.

Then last night I did exactly that, she left in the car and came back 5 mins later and explodes at me becuase I have caused an argument between her and him (so now I am fault for that too!!)

I think she is only still with me for money, apparently he has none has debts up to his eyeballs, and suffers with issues including depression - my response to this was, what a great catch she has there!!

I have gone to stay at my sisters for a few days to give me and her space, I have also started things rolling such as setting up a seperate bank acct, so all my money goes into that rather than the joint acct.

Unless anyone can say different is there any hope for us???
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Old 09-26-2012, 10:22 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife says she is in love with another man, but still loves me

Your sister is correct. Read up on the 180 and get Dobson's Love Must be Tough. If she wants space she needs to find it on her own. Go back to the home and tell her if she needs space to find her own place. The more you chase her the more she will pull away. Sounds like TOM is a piece of work, let her see what she is losing by letting her go.

Yes there is hope.
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Old 09-26-2012, 10:25 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife says she is in love with another man, but still loves me

Did she say how she met the OM ? and how did you find out ?
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Old 09-26-2012, 10:26 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife says she is in love with another man, but still loves me

she is in love with another man after only 4 months yea right. The kids are adults so there is not support issue there. So you need to cut her A## off. You are a perfect canindate for "the 180"
You need to stop talking to her, stop pursuing her, stop sending her texts, stop responding to her, and and all communication should be emotionless. Do not react to anything she says just play it cool. Start working on yourself, Cut her off except for what she needs in order to live. IE cancel credit cards, phones, if the car is only in your name take the keys. If she wants to be in love with someone else. Let him pay to deal with her.

I am being honest this is likely a lot longer than a 4 month A. She probably has been having sex with him starting 4 months ago. That's when most cheaters think that there even is an Affair even though there is an long or short term Emotional Affair leading up to a Physical Affair.
Just look up "the 180" there is a link in the CWI newbie section. I would also start looking for evidence. If you don't know where to start go to the link in my signature and peruse through that thread. If you have questions post in that thread or PM me and I will be glad to help.
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Old 09-26-2012, 10:27 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife says she is in love with another man, but still loves me

Thanks Amplexor, am I right to setup seperate bank account or does that make it worse?

Also she says she has know where to go (to which I told her tough luck), so she said I should go, because my job allows me to work from pretty much anywhere, my answer to that was why should I go, I am the hurt party here!

Any thoughts??
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Old 09-26-2012, 10:29 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife says she is in love with another man, but still loves me

Tell her to leave. Do not leave your home!! She wants space.....well, she needs to go find it and be on her own.
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Old 09-26-2012, 10:29 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife says she is in love with another man, but still loves me

And start to protect and isolate your finances and assets from her. Remove her from your will, insurance, etc.

Learn how to detach from her. When you can see her with indifference, you can make clearer decisions.
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Old 09-26-2012, 10:29 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife says she is in love with another man, but still loves me

If you want sanity and peace in your life, do the 180.

If you want a chance of saving your marriage, do the 180.

Are you looking for a plan of action that will serve you in a positive way no matter if the marriage lives or dies? Do the 180.
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Old 09-26-2012, 10:30 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife says she is in love with another man, but still loves me

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Thanks Amplexor, am I right to setup seperate bank account or does that make it worse?

Also she says she has know where to go (to which I told her tough luck), so she said I should go, because my job allows me to work from pretty much anywhere, my answer to that was why should I go, I am the hurt party here!

Any thoughts??
yea sure setup another account. If she is a STAHM then all you are on the hook for is the money to buy food, pay for the house, whatever. If she has a job then you don't really have to give her access to a dime of your money.

You get your butt back into your house. She is the one that is cheating not you. That house is in your name. You go home. Stop acting like this is somehow your fault. The second she decided to go outside of your marriage to get attention or affection from another man. Is the second you became a betrayed spouse. Which means she screwed up and is using lies and false justifications to excuse her behavior.
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Old 09-26-2012, 10:31 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife says she is in love with another man, but still loves me

Your were right on spot to set up a seperate bank account. Although if you divorce it might still be considered half hers.

As far as no where to go, are all her relatives dead in the country, if not she has somewhere to go. Or hell, tell her to go to her MOM. I am sure he will put her up. But not before you tell the other BS.

Do not leave the house, make her leave.
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Old 09-26-2012, 10:31 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife says she is in love with another man, but still loves me

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Also she says she has know where to go (to which I told her tough luck), so she said I should go, because my job allows me to work from pretty much anywhere, my answer to that was why should I go, I am the hurt party here!

Any thoughts??

She wants to leave, so she goes. Not you.
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Old 09-26-2012, 10:32 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife says she is in love with another man, but still loves me

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Found out of Saturday my wife has fallen in love with another man, this hase been going on for 4 months.

I obviously am very upset by this we have been married for 19 years, been together 26 years and have 3 great grown up kids.

She says that she needs space to decide whether she will stay with me, leave for this other man or leave and be on here own.

The reason for these options is that apprently the other man (she says) is unlikely to leave his wife and 3 younger kids, so my reaction to that is why is she seeing him? she swears blind that there relationship has not got to the full sexual intercourse point (strange given over 4 months).

Everytime I have tried to talk to her, she says I am grilling her and cornering her.
Uh no. Respectfully, she doesn't get to dictate where you go from here. She cheated. She forfeited her rights to dictate terms. The ball is now in your court. You dictate the terms.

1. She dumps the OM NOW, No Contact, Period.

2. She leaves the home NOW while she tries to sort out her feelings.

3. You see a lawyer and file for divorce.

If you want her to come to her senses and have any chance of a reconciliation, then YOU have to take charge.
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Old 09-26-2012, 10:33 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife says she is in love with another man, but still loves me

Go take her things to the OM's house. Bet that won't go over well in a couple of ways!!
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Old 09-26-2012, 10:34 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife says she is in love with another man, but still loves me

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Originally Posted by garrarda View Post
Thanks Amplexor, am I right to setup seperate bank account or does that make it worse?

Also she says she has know where to go (to which I told her tough luck), so she said I should go, because my job allows me to work from pretty much anywhere, my answer to that was why should I go, I am the hurt party here!

Any thoughts??
Her reaction is typical but keep in mind that she has stepped out on the marriage, not you. You should not be accepting of punishment for her bad behavior. She has no place to go? She should have thought of that before hand. Do not enable her by bowing to her needs. Now is a time to go against your instincts. Don't pursue her, don't dote on her, stand your ground and tell her if she wants to go, go. You are her husband, not plan B
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Last edited by Amplexor; 09-27-2012 at 08:16 AM.
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Old 09-26-2012, 10:34 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife says she is in love with another man, but still loves me

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Thanks Amplexor, am I right to setup seperate bank account or does that make it worse?

Also she says she has know where to go (to which I told her tough luck), so she said I should go, because my job allows me to work from pretty much anywhere, my answer to that was why should I go, I am the hurt party here!

Any thoughts??
Do not leave your home. The burden is entirely on her to find a place to go. And the bank account thing? You have every right to secure your funds.

Always remember that this isn't your fault. She cheated. You did nothing wrong. Protect yourself.
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