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Wife says she is in love with another man, but still loves me

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75K views 123 replies 56 participants last post by  MattMatt  
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#1 ·
Found out of Saturday my wife has fallen in love with another man, this hase been going on for 4 months.

I obviously am very upset by this we have been married for 19 years, been together 26 years and have 3 great grown up kids.

She says that she needs space to decide whether she will stay with me, leave for this other man or leave and be on here own.

The reason for these options is that apprently the other man (she says) is unlikely to leave his wife and 3 younger kids, so my reaction to that is why is she seeing him? she swears blind that there relationship has not got to the full sexual intercourse point (strange given over 4 months).

Everytime I have tried to talk to her, she says I am grilling her and cornering her.

My sister told me to stop following her around and back off, and that might start to make her think, also for me to start taking some control over this, rather than her doing this.

Then last night I did exactly that, she left in the car and came back 5 mins later and explodes at me becuase I have caused an argument between her and him (so now I am fault for that too!!)

I think she is only still with me for money, apparently he has none has debts up to his eyeballs, and suffers with issues including depression - my response to this was, what a great catch she has there!!

I have gone to stay at my sisters for a few days to give me and her space, I have also started things rolling such as setting up a seperate bank acct, so all my money goes into that rather than the joint acct.

Unless anyone can say different is there any hope for us???
 
#2 ·
Your sister is correct. Read up on the 180 and get Dobson's Love Must be Tough. If she wants space she needs to find it on her own. Go back to the home and tell her if she needs space to find her own place. The more you chase her the more she will pull away. Sounds like TOM is a piece of work, let her see what she is losing by letting her go.

Yes there is hope.
 
#4 ·
she is in love with another man after only 4 months yea right. The kids are adults so there is not support issue there. So you need to cut her A## off. You are a perfect canindate for "the 180"
You need to stop talking to her, stop pursuing her, stop sending her texts, stop responding to her, and and all communication should be emotionless. Do not react to anything she says just play it cool. Start working on yourself, Cut her off except for what she needs in order to live. IE cancel credit cards, phones, if the car is only in your name take the keys. If she wants to be in love with someone else. Let him pay to deal with her.

I am being honest this is likely a lot longer than a 4 month A. She probably has been having sex with him starting 4 months ago. That's when most cheaters think that there even is an Affair even though there is an long or short term Emotional Affair leading up to a Physical Affair.
Just look up "the 180" there is a link in the CWI newbie section. I would also start looking for evidence. If you don't know where to start go to the link in my signature and peruse through that thread. If you have questions post in that thread or PM me and I will be glad to help.
 
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#5 ·
Thanks Amplexor, am I right to setup seperate bank account or does that make it worse?

Also she says she has know where to go (to which I told her tough luck), so she said I should go, because my job allows me to work from pretty much anywhere, my answer to that was why should I go, I am the hurt party here!

Any thoughts??
 
#9 ·
yea sure setup another account. If she is a STAHM then all you are on the hook for is the money to buy food, pay for the house, whatever. If she has a job then you don't really have to give her access to a dime of your money.

You get your butt back into your house. She is the one that is cheating not you. That house is in your name. You go home. Stop acting like this is somehow your fault. The second she decided to go outside of your marriage to get attention or affection from another man. Is the second you became a betrayed spouse. Which means she screwed up and is using lies and false justifications to excuse her behavior.
 
U
#10 ·
Your were right on spot to set up a seperate bank account. Although if you divorce it might still be considered half hers.

As far as no where to go, are all her relatives dead in the country, if not she has somewhere to go. Or hell, tell her to go to her MOM. I am sure he will put her up. But not before you tell the other BS.

Do not leave the house, make her leave.
 
S
#12 ·
garrarda said:
Found out of Saturday my wife has fallen in love with another man, this hase been going on for 4 months.

I obviously am very upset by this we have been married for 19 years, been together 26 years and have 3 great grown up kids.

She says that she needs space to decide whether she will stay with me, leave for this other man or leave and be on here own.

The reason for these options is that apprently the other man (she says) is unlikely to leave his wife and 3 younger kids, so my reaction to that is why is she seeing him? she swears blind that there relationship has not got to the full sexual intercourse point (strange given over 4 months).

Everytime I have tried to talk to her, she says I am grilling her and cornering her.
Click to expand...
Uh no. Respectfully, she doesn't get to dictate where you go from here. She cheated. She forfeited her rights to dictate terms. The ball is now in your court. You dictate the terms.

1. She dumps the OM NOW, No Contact, Period.

2. She leaves the home NOW while she tries to sort out her feelings.

3. You see a lawyer and file for divorce.

If you want her to come to her senses and have any chance of a reconciliation, then YOU have to take charge.
 
#50 ·
I totally agree with this.

Only do the 180 if you are done and going to divorce her ASAP. Or if you are willing to take her back after her affair runs its course. My personal feeling is that if my wife left me for another man I would never take her back. But that is just me. You may feel differently.

I would not agree to space. Space is as she says an opportunity to try out another guy with you as third choice behind just being gone from you.

I would tell her this stops immediately or you file for divorce and do the 180.

Pragmatically the ones saying do an immediate 180 may just feel that she is too far gone already perhaps. I am just saying I would give it one last shot.

But her saying they have not gone full blown intercourse yet is saying that they are doing everything else short of that. Which means this is an ongoing PA and has been for a while.
 
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#16 ·
Thanks badblane

your right, I am so confused and hurt over this, I will read the 180 stuff, also so far the kids have not been told (which she does not want) should I tell them, or is this pushing her even further away?

Everything I hear from her says she would only stay for money, she even had the cheek to buy a new dress yesterday, when I told her why should bought that, she said it will look nice, and I would buy it for her (sweet smile, and quick kiss).

So that said it all for me. She is clever most of the conversation is done via email on here ipad (which I bought her just for a little present- mug I am).

Apprently this all started on a night out on the town with a couple of girlfriends from work, she exchanged cell phone numbers with him, so I feel very betrayed, espeically as this particually night the 3 of them did not get back home till 5am, what is even more annoying is that I out of the 3 other halfs was the one who after the initial explosion of anger calmed down the quickest.... how wrong I was!!!
 
#18 ·
garrarda said:
Thanks badblane

your right, I am so confused and hurt over this, I will read the 180 stuff, also so far the kids have not been told (which she does not want) should I tell them, or is this pushing her even further away?

Everything I hear from her says she would only stay for money, she even had the cheek to buy a new dress yesterday, when I told her why should bought that, she said it will look nice, and I would buy it for her (sweet smile, and quick kiss).

So that said it all for me. She is clever most of the conversation is done via email on here ipad (which I bought her just for a little present- mug I am).
Click to expand...
After you have cancelled her credit cards and removed all her funds, take her Ipad and 'drop' it on some concrete.

Being a nice guy will not help your situation.
 
5
#19 ·
Why worry about "pushing her away" at this point? She is walking all over you; buying a new dress; really? OMG!

The kids are probably going to find out anyway-and is usually the hardest thing to deal with when dealing with an infidelity issue. Your choice whether you want to tell them or not; but please do not be concerned about pushing her away if you do decide to tell them. She is already gone right now!
 
#20 ·
Please take the great advice of all the posters above you have been given. No more mr. nice guy crap ! Its YOUR house. Throw her a$$ out pronto !! A married woman of 19 years going out partying till 5 am ?? I would have changed the damn locks on her !! Complete 180 immediately and let the broke OM pay for her cheating a$$ !!!
 
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#21 · (Edited)
OK let’s start with that has gone on way longer than 4 months and I very much doubt that they have not had sex. This is the trickle truth and her exploding at you is blame shifting
.
Get your butt back in the house and tell her to get out. Expose the affair to your family and hers. If you know who the other man is expose this to his wife right away. She has a right to know. Do not tell your wife you are going to expose the A she will blame you for breaking up another family.

File for divorce today and have her served and at work if possible. You do not have to go through with it but she needs to know you have a back bone and all the choices are not hers.

Really make sure your kids know about the A it is at the very least an EA but I very much doubt that this is not a PA

Do not have sex with her at this point no matter what happens. If she says she wants to R with you make her go to the DR and get checked for STD’s and makes her prove it to you. She will BS you they never had sex. Remind her she has to re earn you trust since she has cheated and lied to you.

Get into counseling as soon as you can. Read up in the 180 and get started on it now.
 
#26 · (Edited)
You really need to help her make the right decision, for you, by choosing him. Since she's in love with the other guy, an not you no matter what she sez, you can probably negotiate for your benefit. Once you're rid of her, get yourself a younger loyal woman and leave the old gal to her own devices.
Believe me, when they cross the line to be with another, and than want to come home to ole reliable, it ain't every gonna be the same. You'll always know you're her most expedient choice.
And BTW, the BF ain't gonna be willing to trade in the car he has now unless he's already test drove the replacement.
 
#27 ·
I'm so sorry you're dealing with all of this...Your W is being very selfish.

But listen to the posters above.

My H was having an affair. I had no idea. All I knew is that he asked for a D and then proceeded to act like a huge drama queen for the next 4 months. At first, I packed up his clothing and told him to go. Then I bought into his "poor me" attitude and listened to him complain about ME and all the ways I had hurt him. Finally, I realized this was all about him and that he was blaming all of our marriage problems on me (I wish I would have found the board then as I would have dug deeper and uncovered the A and probably saved myself months of confusion). But even without the board, something in me made me realize that if he wanted a D it was time to let him go so I ignored him and stopped coddling him and agreed that if he was not happy, we should divorce. That scared him so much, he never saw OW again and got himself into counselling. I found out about the A after it was over but the same rules applied. The minute I played hard ball with my H was when he suddenly realized what he was losing and he got himself together pretty quickly.

My H turned the corner very fast but it probably also helped that I did not beg, plead or cry in the 4 months proceeding. Many times, I thought I was not being nice enough and had to talk myself into being nice but it turns out that being cold and detaching was EXACTLY what I should have been doing.

The 180 works. It will be hard, VERY hard and she will try to break you but if you want to save your M, you have to stay the course.

She's in an affair fog right now and the only way to get her out of it is to take yourself out of the picture.

And yes, tell your kids. Make the affair as uncomfortable as possible. She wants to lose it all for a man who cheats with a married woman? Well, then let her screw up her life. I'm guessing he will not look so wonderful when she has to trade her honour, integrity and also has to lose the respect of her children to be with his cheating a$$.

Good luck. Stay strong.
 
#28 ·
Damn, it must suck being the back up plan. First things first, you need to expose to everyone. Expose to the kids. Expose to the other man's wife. Expose to her parents. Expose to everyone. You aren't really in a position to make demands like no contact etc because she isn't remorseful at all. Like I said, you're the backup plan. She believes that you're a sure thing and will be waiting when she decides who she wants to support her. You need to take control of this. Don't let her be the one making the choices.

You know you can draw up divorce papers and have her served, and you can always call off the divorce up to the last minute. Having her served is a strong indication that YOU are the one making the choices, not her. And exposing to the other man's wife will enlist her in your fight, because the other man is likely to throw your wife under the bus to save his own skin. Don't hesitate or stall, make this happen. Be decisive.
 
T
#29 ·
As everyone has said-do not beg, plead, discuss, or try to "nice" her out of the affair. And, by the way, despite what she swears to, she had sex with the other man. This is called trickle truth. You only get bits of truth here and there until she makes her plans (they do not include you).

She is definitely with you for the money and so you can provide her with a safe home will she plays the field.

You have to admit that your marriage is dead - she killed it. What kind of wife goes out until 5 AM and hands her phone number to some strange she met in a bar? The kind that has no respect for her husband, her marriage vows or her marriage in general.

In addition to separating finances, take her off any insurance policies that you have and if you have a will, change it now to benefit your kids only.

You really need to consult a lawyer and find out what your options are.

Do not let her control your actions. Protect yourself. If you think your kids need to know, then tell them. Understand that you must prepare yourself to let her go - or even better - kick her out. Kids are grown and gone. I'm betting this is not her first rodeo. I think she has done this before only she hid it very well until the kids were gone. I am afraid your marriage was dead along time ago and you just did not know it. Even if this is the first time, she now has a taste for it and it will not be her last time.

DO NOT BE AFRAID TO ACT! DO NOT LET YOUR FEAR OF WHAT SHE MIGHT SAY OR DO CONTROL YOU!
 
#30 · (Edited)
She says that she needs space to decide whether she will stay with me, leave for this other man or leave and be on here own.
Click to expand...
no, she only decides whether to separate from you. Getting back with you is your decision. You will decide if you will take her back.


This woman is totally with you only for the money. Can't get more clearer than that!!


tell the kids.
 
H
#32 ·
Should you pursue a new relationship, I wouldn't shoot for a gal a whole lot younger. The ones you want to date are those who can appreciate a good man and age is not a factor when determining that. Perhaps you would want a lady who is self sufficient so you can figure that finances aren't the driving factor.
 
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